Help: my Friday night (long, I'm sorry)

Discussion in 'Random Thoughts' started by fexurbis, Apr 7, 2007.

  1. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    I wish I had someone to talk about this in person, but I don' therapist is on Tuesday so, for now, there is only started talking about my night in another thread and realized I'm highjacking it, so I figure I'd start another one. This is going to be long, so if you're not in the mood to read my thesis, by all means ignore this thread. For those who respond, I'm very much obliged.

    Anyway...I have a little problem with alcohol and I'm getting tired of the whole scene. So, yesterday, I'm planning a fucking quiet night. No drinking, nothing. Just go to a hooker, spend a couple hours, come back home.

    This "asshole", my 11-years-going friend (we might go into business together), convinces me to go out. That's partly because I was supposed to "confirm" with the sex-worker at 8pm, and she wasn't picking up her phone...

    So there I was, pissed off because I could have this beautiful black chick with great lips and lip-gloss wrapped around my cock, and instead I'm fucking going out again...

    So basically, I get kicked out of this bore of a party for touching a delusional, ugly girl's ridiculous dress for 5 seconds. The only thing that was interesting in that party was a conversation I had with this Cuban dude...interesting guy. The kind of conversation that is impossible across the gender-barrier, partially because of libidinal anxieties (my fault). And that is sad.

    Then, I fall flat on my face (the asshole gave me marijuana cake without telling me: "You know you just ate some weed right?" What an asshole...), and my chin starts bleeding (now it's just swollen).

    Then we go to a place that actually had good music and I dance my ass off (I like dancing and I'm probably better at it than I admit to myself).

    Then we get a summons for urinating in public (this is Brooklyn, a fucking gentrifying neighborhood...oooooooooo). I actually don't much remember this, by the way --- I sort of blacked out. And then we end up in this Puerto Rican restaurant, and had this gorgeous rice, beans, chicken, and hotsauce. And I take the cab home.

    In summa: what saved the night was the conversation with Cuban dude, dancing, and the spanish food. But essentially I had yet another disheartening, alienating experience...on several levels:

    1) since I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years (the only woman that truly impresses me outside of my family), and since we stopped being friends, I'm having these saddening thoughts about relationships in general: I think relationships are essentially sado-masochistic in nature;

    2) on a more superficial level, now that I'm 30, I feel to old to think that fucking really matters. Whatever...everybody wants it, and everybody gets it. It's ultimately unfulfilling;

    3) on a social level, I feel the only self-respecting position for a male going out on the town is to ignore women completely. But that is saddening, and it takes effort. Flirting with women makes me want more, and thereby I betray myself. And what happened to D (my friend) anyway? He used to be beautiful! He used to just be able to dance. Now he goes out and worries about women too's hideous;

    4) on yet another level...I'm tired of the whole amoral, relativistic scene. Like, in New York, in these hipster circles...everything goes...there are no norms of behavior or dress. Everything could be considered "cool" or "uncool" arbitrarily, at any given moment. Like, this dude has his underwear around his head --- that was thought very cool by some, gross by others. It doesn't matter, see...I could be in a suit, or I could have oil grease on my fuckin' cheek and a ripped-off shirt, and either is ok. I could be kind and repectful, and be considered a bore...I could be a total asshole and be considered "genuine". Either is both cool and uncool depending on who you talk to. Hipster New York for you...I'm sick of it.

    I guess it's ok. This alienating, futile, meaninglessness is part of the appeal of going out. It can be fun. But I have to be in the mood for it. Like I have to be in the mood for a hooker. And yesterday I wasn't in the mood for it...

    Anyway, now that I'm single and 30, I'm hyper-sensitive about the superficiality of human interaction in New York. I wish I had a sober friend to confide in...I wish I had a girlfriend...maybe.

    Instead, I'm having a bunch of superficial relationships and then write about them at ---

    Does anyone feel as hopeless about human relationships as me? Comments, please. Thank you.
  2. Bella Désordre

    Bella Désordre Charmed

    I feel you. I've heard the social scene and dating in New York is pretty tough. I wouldn't be able to deal there. It sounds like a lonely place.
    I don't want to pry and you don't have to answer me bit-Do you think you're self-medicating with the alcohol? Maybe a up in meds or being on meds might help. I know when I let my adhd go untreated I was self-medicated with tanqs to calm myself down. Once I got on the proper med I was able to quit.
    If you need to PM I am happy to talk.
    I know what you are saying about the alcohol. I do the dumbest things while drunk-I mean just unbelievable things that seriously fuck with other people's lives. I wake up the next morning feeling like a really bad person.
  3. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    Thanks, sweetie. I didn't realize you were so sweet... And I'm really greatful for your invitation to PM-chat. Being hungover makes me feel like shit, and emotionally vulnerable, so talking about it helps.

    But, to answer your question: I'm already on medication. I am the 5th generation on my paternal side that suffers from clinical depression, so...

    Technically I shouldn't be drinking at all. But like I said, I have an alcohol problem. I'm definitely medicating. My friend on the west coast is trying to convince me to go to AA. He's gone to a couple meeting and actually said there are very interesting people.

    Why don't you tell me (if you feel like it) or PM your experiences with alcohol? I'm interested to know.

    Oh, and yes...New York is way played out.
  4. alex714

    alex714 To the Left

    I feel like that and Im not even 30 yet.....what the hell is gonna happen to me then? advice to give, sorry.
  5. clockworkorangeagain

    clockworkorangeagain femme fatale

    genuine relationships only begin in a genuine circumstance....pubs/clubs etc never provide much more than a fleeting connection with someone as u experience lust or substance provoked flirtations. but the debate of where to meet ppl is then brought up...i dont think u can deliberately attempt to meet someone and find soemthing meaningful...anyway, it all becomes so boring, dont u think, if ur not just out to have fun with friends and have a good time - trying to find something just creates problems.
  6. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    I agree 100%. You can't purposely meet someone, and it can't be done in bars/nightclubs (of course a friend of mine found his wife of 10 years in a nightclub, but that was a fluke).

    But I also think people make it that way. There is nothing inherent in it.

    So...the only conclusion I can come to is to not go out unless I'm in the mood to dance. And moderate my alcohol consumption.

    Further problem: I'm sorrounded by delusional male friends. They actually think trying to pick up women in bars is a legitimate course of action...
  7. Lodog

    Lodog ¿

    Cut down on drinking. Focus on starting that business you want, or move to some obscure small town in another state and be that "Big City Guy" Girls fall for that shit.
  8. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    lol...My priority right now is money, not women, not fucking, not relationships...A relationship is only acceptable to me if I put absolutely no effort into meeting that person.

    For now, if I feel like dancing I'll go out. If I feel like fucking, I'll get a hooker. And go after money, rather than people. That's it.
  9. clockworkorangeagain

    clockworkorangeagain femme fatale

    People do make it that way... it's a scene, and a scene is a farce... why waste ur time on it? only if its for dancing! ;)

    and i agree with lodog (not that girls go for that), but i think there should always be a point in ur life where u move away from what ur used to...mix it up a bit! Refresh! Test urself....allow for change and all that jazz...
  10. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    Well, I'll be moving to my hometown, Rio de Janeiro, pretty soon. I don't know that I'll put myself through another winter here. I had enough. Freaking almost 15 years in this town. I'm sick of it.
  11. 121

    121 Senior Member

    I'd get semi drunk and then do the black chick with sexy lip gloss... enjoy the best of both worlds! :tongue:

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