Help me make sense?

Discussion in 'Animism' started by Sir smiles, Apr 4, 2012.

  1. Sir smiles

    Sir smiles Guest

    At the age of 18 I was an Athiest. I entered rehab that year and had an experience during a deep meditation session we had. My closed mind went into this expecting absolutely nothing to happen. I ended up having a vision of me swimming with a whale. This blew my mind. I don't know why, but I immediately felt like I needed to seek the guidance of the Native American counselor there. He gave me the Native American book The Red Road to Sobriety and did my animal totem cards for me. The only two I remember for certain are my main totem which was raven, and spider which happens to be my biggest phobia. Well when I saw that raven was my main one I was like wow that is lame because I had no knowledge of how much of a gift this is to have. It just seemed like silly nonsense to me. However, this experience started my spiritual journey because I left believing in God.

    Fast forward about a year and I was in a rough spot in my life. For the first time I truly surrendered myself to God and begged for help. I entered rehab again and this is when I started to understand the universe and life better. I was being given signs that were more than just coincidence. Someone told me once you start to walk to Red Road you will start to see signs. Throughout my whole journey I have been learning stuff through thought, meditation, signs, and ideas of what is the truth.

    The past four months have been significant for my spiritual growth. Raven entered my life. To be honest I now know I was irresponsible in what I was doing, but it has changed me for the better. I started taking DXM to get high since I found pills and have never been able to drink the cough syrup. I decided to try meditating while on it one time and was amazed by the experience. I started meditating on it on a regular basis. One time I decided I wanted to enter the dream world and I asked to take me there. I learned be careful what you ask for because you just might get it... after a while I began seeing the world and understanding things from a different point of view. It was easy for me to see things from others points of view. I was looking at myself from a different point of view and realized how I was not doing anything with my life. I started to see all the pain and suffering the world is going through, and it really hurt me.

    One experience I had was that I was at my friends house and I felt like everyone was singling me out for something I said. As it turns out my memory of the night isn't what really happened... well the next time I went over a new friend of mine with the same name was being singled out. He was talking about some stuff that I don't blame anyone for not wanting to listen to him, but I remember how I felt. I sat there and listened to him. The next day his kid was being born and he asked me to go to the hospital with him even though I barely met him. He said it would make him more comfortable.
    Just recently a friend of mine said there is nothing scarier than not knowing what is real. Well, as it turns out he pretty much lost his mind like I did for a period of time at about the same time as me. I told him I know how it feels to not know what is real and what is just a dream. We went on to have a long discussion. He told me how happy he was that he could talk to someone who understands.

    One day I thought I had the truth figured out, but that was only for a very short period of time. I entered the rabbit hole as soon as I thought I got things... everything made sense, but yet nothing did. I ended up becoming delusional for a period of time and it was the scariest time of my life. Not killing myself because of the unbearable pain I was going through was hard. I even checked myself into the mental hospital.

    One of the main reasons I'm posting this is because before today I knew next to little about shamanism and I had never heard of aninism. After reading through the posts I found out I could relate to and understand most things, but I have questions about rebirth. While meditating one time I went on a journey and met with who I think one of my spirit guides is Buddha who I have seen on multiple trips. I can't explain exactly how I felt or knew it, but I had this strong sense that I had been reborn. Can someone explain in better detail what happens and how you are reborn? I feel like God or raven felt it was finally my time to learn.

    Now I look back and I can see the signs that have showed up in my life as far as my memory goes. The first memory I have is of a dream where I entered a building with a bunch of crows or ravens on top of the building. The second memory I have is of a dream where two giant bird-like creatures landed in my backyard with people on them. This was when I was 3.

    Lately, I haven't been meditating. I accepted the magic of raven and appreciated it for a while, but lately I have been having doubts. This isn't the first time. Whenever I have no doubts my life goes well, but when I doubt it seems like things aren't right. I'm thankful for what I have learned. The only thing that I am ever thinking about now is God and spirituality. I have been taking action to make change in my life. I haven't had cravings to use drugs or alcohol. I haven't had an urge to have sexual relations. I have always liked to keep to myself, but lately I have been completely isolating myself for long periods. Once I started having doubts I fell into deep depression, lost all energy, have been sick, felt overwhelmed with negative energy that I think I picked up from my best friend who has been asking me to help her through her meth addiction which I warned would happen to her, but she didn't listen. Now that I'm staying home and doing as much learning as I can about all this I'm starting to feel better. Can someone give me another point of view or better explain what I have been going through lately?
  2. machinist

    machinist Banned Lifetime Supporter

    ok.. use paragraphs
  3. Syd222

    Syd222 Member

    At some point I realized I could believe one thing and its opposite, which makes doubt no more a problem ^^
    I haven't found truth or any sort of achievement but I have the feeling that calm is a very comfortable and clear way of seeing things ; If I just calmly look, sometimes I will see, sometimes I won't, does it matter anyway? But if I try to get something, I know I'll loose myself in a really unpleasant chaos
    Also, I think that questions are greater answer than answer, because they're openned.


    This might not be what you expected to get, as an answer (^^), but that's my "other point of view", and that's what I want to tell you after reading your text, so that's what I'm writing

    (i'm fucking tired)
  4. Sir smiles

    Sir smiles Guest

    "But if I try to get something, I know I'll loose myself in a really unpleasant chaos"

    How true that is, but I always seem to forget. :/
    I think I need to stop trying to understand and just accept. Maybe then I will understand?
  5. Syd222

    Syd222 Member

    oh, and here's a great quote from mckenna "nobody is smarter than you are", check this guy if you don't know him (which i doubt)
  6. Mothman

    Mothman Senior Member

    Ok that was alot but a few things stood out. First, don't write off the spider spirits, they are far more nuturing and theraputic then their appearance lets on. They will help you grow and heal until you don't need them.

    I feel like you are in a state of being purified so that spirit can move through you, basically to carry you through a spot in your life where you can't exactly do it on your own. Hence your lack of cravings for drugs, alcohol, sex etc. This is why your mind is revolving around God and spirit so much. Some part of you is plugged in and you know you're on to something.

    Follow this pull that you feel because this will be a rare opportunity to hear the voice of spirit audibly, no more visions or hints, straight up conversation one on one. If you do, have your questions ready. Also write down what is said because you WILL forget to some extent over the years.

    Stop doubting yourself, failure is a natural path to success. The smartest guy in the room is often the one who has made the most mistakes. Being confident is a choice. One you can make without being the best at everything. You can be confident without having a reason at all, so why be doubtful? It doesn't do you any good.

    Acceptance will help you relax. Buy some books on Zen.
  7. MeowKat

    MeowKat Member

    Hello sir smiles, I like your name :)

    As a lady who was raised 1st generation Eastern European, with a lot of supersticious brainwashing, I know that crows and ravens represent an intelligent, watching creature. Crows being more vocal, ravens more subdued.

    You're searching for meaning, which at your age, is very normal. You have the added default of being considered mentally insane... I can relate. I don't think you should isolate too much. That just drives further into madness. Remain a functioning member of society and try to enjoy yourself. This life is temporary, so make good use of it.
  8. Sir smiles

    Sir smiles Guest

    Thank you for your thoughts and advice guys. :)
    The picture at is basically what I ended up finding on the internet after I wrote down what I saw in meditation in my journal one time. It definitely makes for an interesting read. Ignore the few spelling and possible grammar errors... I used paint and spent over 24 straight hours putting it together.
  9. themnax

    themnax Senior Member

    i have to compliment. i would call that the best spiritual advise i have heard anyone give anywhere ever. that last paragraph especially. i needed to be reminded of that one myself. i would certainly have had a life that had accomplished a lot more of what i would have wished it to have, had i been raised on it, instead of how i was.

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