Hello again

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Sebbi, Jan 22, 2005.

  1. Sebbi

    Sebbi Senior Member

    Hiya people it's been a while. The last time I posted here was when the new forums started. I haven't been writing much poetry for a long time, focusing most of my creative energy on my guitar playing and song writing, also on a novel.

    Anyway recently I've fallen for someone and I've written a couple of poems that I think are of a fair standard. Here goes:

    We danced

    It all started the other day,

    When tears welled up in my eyes,

    Oh man, it’s like heaven sent an angle,

    And she filled my up inside.

    And still and still the word turned, and still I cried.

    She held me through my tears,

    She whispered in my ear the words I needed to hear.

    And inside I felt all the pain and hurting,

    I felt that part of me die.

    But all the time I held her in my embrace,

    I wanted to caress her.

    But my how we dance.

    And did we dance

    Oh my God, how we did dance.

    And still and still the world has turned,

    And still I’ve found wings to fly.

    So let me take you up to heaven,

    We’ll watch the world go by.

    From our celestial embrace,

    Oh how I wanted to kiss her,

    But instead we danced across the sky

    I like this one. I think it's got quite generic/mediocre verses but I love the Chorus line. I'm not sure what to do with this one, it could work really well as a song but one the other hand I don't think it would. I could do it by rocking it up, but otherwise I don't know. I think I'll probably just have it as a performance poem.

    The first chorus I would say these three lines with different feeling if I was to perform it. I use that technique quite a bit in my song-writing and I think it works quite well. Unfortunately you don't get a grasp of that here.

    Here's my next one:

    My solemn vow

    And this is my solemn vow:

    If I ever manage, as I intend, to win your heart,

    Then this I promise you, and this is my burning wish.

    To whisper in your ear so softly that you aren't even sure I'm talking

    To sing soft music, that will move you away from your fear.

    To hold you so gently, that you will relax into my arms,

    But to hold you so firmly that, should you wish to run in fear you wouldn't know how.

    I wish to tell you stories, of lands far and near,

    Of the place of your dreams,

    And the place of your fear.

    I wish to take you away to these faraway places,

    And meet you under a moonlit sky,

    And together we can look at each other's faces,

    And the breeze will take away the tears we cry.

    And tomorrow let me show you,

    the darkest corners, of my soul

    so that you know, I am just like you -

    quaking and terrified.

    But in your fear let me be your protector,

    and in your hungers let me satisfy.

    In your thirst let me be your water,

    and in your landscape may I be your sky.

    I like this one, it's got quite a bit of Gibran and Rumi influence and a bit from other places.

    Again, quite lyrical. I think this one works better on paper than the other one (which I can't imagine working well on paper).

    I really really like this one, that's all I'll say.

    Let me know what you think.

  2. kidder

    kidder Member

    But in your fear let me be your protector,

    and in your hungers let me satisfy.

    In your thirst let me be your water,

    and in your landscape may I be your sky.

    They're generic but I like the layout. And these lines flow so well. Keep writing!
  3. Sebbi

    Sebbi Senior Member

    I just realised how rubbish the first one was.

    It's just a crude attempt at "Little Wing"

  4. hi there

    i liked both pieces
    both expressed different
    both gave alittle idea of yourself...

    to love is to be alive......

    love n peace from saff
  5. Sebbi

    Sebbi Senior Member

    "to love is to be alive......"

    Nicely summed up - thank you.

  6. Firebelle

    Firebelle Member

    Hi, I liked some of your second poem, 'Solemn Vow'... but your first poem ('We Danced') was painfully cliched. I'm rubbish at songwriting, so I can't picture your words to music and thus I am probabaly being unfair. Also, I know how it is...when you love someone deeply it can be so overwhelming that creativity is stifled and you are reduced to writing mush...that's how I am anyway, I write best in the aftermath of love, that heartbreak and despair. For me, relationships = Writer's Block! Anyway, take care, and don't lose confidence...I like reading work by people who are musicians as well as poets, as it offers me a persepctive different to my own (that is, someone who writes poetry only, no songs). Oh dear I'm rambling!

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