He loves me, not my fat

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7... almost 8 months now. He is a medical student and I am a teacher. He is 27, I am 25. As a partner it has been a wonderful experience so far dating him; he is loving, romantic, sweet, helpful, affectionate and silly. Personality wise, we are very well matched and my friends love him.

He is a triathlete, very fit- little to not fat on his body. I am slightly taller than him. We are an odd couple, but I do love it... and him, dearly.

I am in the process of changing my eating and exercising habits. By no means am I obese, but I am not entirely skinny either. I guess I would consider myself a little chubby, but still very attractive. Health wise, I am about 15 pounds over weight (according to the BMI scale).

In america, this would not be such an issue. But I live in Japan and my boyfriend is Japanese.

In this culture, its not considered rude or insensitive to straight up tell someone they are fat and that they should lose some weight. Japanese people with extra weight will nod and smile and the conversation will move on.

I am not a Japanese person, and have told him it hurts my feelings when he makes comments about my body. Since then he has toned this down a lot, but it doesn't change the fact that inside his head he thinks my body is not as it should be.

It's really confusing to me, because he continues to confess his feelings for me, be romantic, develop our relationship beautifully. We talk at least twice a day and see each other every day we are both free (around 2-3 days a week).

But I sometimes wonder if he sees us as going nowhere if I do not "reduce my weight." Verbally, he insists he is crazy about me when I bring this up. He says, "I want you to be healthy."

I am especially sensitive to this because my last boyfriend (who I dated for 2 years), said that he would have married me if I was a bit skinnier.... Needless to say, I am kind of glad I have this chub now considering that... But it really makes me question my current boyfriend.

This is a huge red flag, but I really would like to keep the romance going as this one is a real catch in every other arena.

Regardless of whether this extra weight comes off me, how will our relationship be worthwhile if he can't accept my body as it is?

 

It'll probably be fine, the relationship.

Almost everybody has 1 or 2 traits they'd like to change in their partner if they could, whether they be physical or personality traits.

The important thing is to accept each other with faults and all, and progress through the relationship with respect on how to improve oneself, and in doe cases accept valid criticism and in other cases reject criticisms that aren't valid and are selfish.

The issue of health is respectable, and it might be worthwhile to actually make changes to exercise and diet in terms of both nutrient intake, sodium intake, sugar intake, and unhealthy fat intake. (Healthy fats should actually be consumed).

That being said you should make those changes because you want too more so than because your partner wants them done.

Weight alone isn't just the issue, the insult comes from the prospect that your being a little chubby is a visual turnoff for him. That needs and might have already been communicated to him by you, you'd have to clarify more on the talk you two had about differences in culture about subject matters.
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You said he's a triathlete and very fit. A lot if fit people are also very health conscious. He probably just wants you to be healthy. It's a very different culture, and you said that by those standards, he wasn't being rude at all.

It sounds like you have a very good relationship, and it probably doesn't matter that much to him since he is very affectionate and romantic to you.

Is it possible that you think it matters more to him than it actually does?

 

To clarify, I am in process of changing my eating and doing my exercise. I too want to be healthy and within an acceptable BMI.

I actually don't care so much about my size, it's for me more so about my energy level. But he brings up my fat more than I do... I don't have a problem with my body, if I stayed this size forever, I would be okay. Him, I am not sure- despite his protestations.

But, if our future together is based on how I look without a shirt on- do I really want it? I don't know... hard to say.

 

I know exactly what you're talking about, OP!

Whitwhit, please DO continue being active on this site so your status changes from *Guest* to *Member*. This will enable the private messaging function. I would be very interested to converse with you on this subject but doing so on the public domain might mean making more of my personal info public than I would prefer to, hence the PM function.

In the meantime, I'll just say that, as a fellow male, I can't quite relate to your boyfriend's perception in regards to the physique of someone who is merely 15 pounds "overweight". It's not like you're obese, so he should either get over it and accept your physique, or else I suppose he's just not the right partner for you after all.......in my opinion, anyway.

 

Considering his culture and the fact that he is an athlete, his thinking is probably more conditioning than anything else. It's engrained in him to be fit but I bet he knows a great deal about nutrition and stays away from all sorts of foods because he sees them as damaging to one's health. This is why I think he is coming from a place of genuine concern and not criticism. In his world/mind he worries that 15 extra lbs can become 20 and then 30 and then start to affect your health. Health conscious people think like this. Perhaps his delivery in discussing this with you seems insensitive but I do not feel that is his intent at all.

As someone who has struggled with illness and fluctuating weight issues I would see it as a blessing to have such a person in my life. Our health should always be a priority and I have learned that the hard way. Obviously this man cares for you. Don't let the last douchebags mistakes become this guy's responsibility. I think they are coming from very different perspectives entirely.

Ask him to give you some things you can slowly incorporate into your daily eating and exercise habits without making you feel like you're in boot camp or he is your personal trainer. Baby steps at your own pace kind of thing...and enjoy your relationship.

 

ordinarily i would say that HE should leave YOU out of respect for you if he is not going to accept your body, but in this case there is a cultural factor at play that complicates things a bit.

why don't you respect his culture and either lose weight or leave him so he can be with someone he is happy with.

 

qft too on all accounts. also the last thing you want to do is make this guy suffer for something some other guy did. thats some crap.

 

but basically what you're asking for is unconditional love if you're asking yourself what will happen regardless of whether or not the weight comes off. sorry but life ain't a fairy tail. he wants a skinny girl and theres no changing that. you can't squeeze unconditional love out of a turnip. they say relationships involve compromise.

 

Intriguing.

 

What happens when you get pregnant? Some women lose the weight easily and some don't. I don't lose weight easily but the pregnancy weight came off quickly. Although when I miscarried, I put on about 8 pounds and it still won't come off!

You need to have a serious talk with him, see if it's a deal breaker. Hormones and medications can affect weight loss/gain. Is he going to stick through ups and downs or he just wants to be there for the ups?

 

I also agree that this conversation has to take place as well if it hasn't already.


But I also want to add in controversially, that women don't need to actually put on a lot of weight or eat super amounts of excess calories to healthily develop and carry a child when pregnant.


There is something to be said about the placebo effect, and that perhaps the label of pregnancy is a psychological excuse for women to let loose and eat whatever they want, because they have a "guilt-free" card to do so in our society. Also exercise regiments tend to be completely avoided in lots of cases too.

I'm not saying cravings don't exist, but I am saying there is something to this.

Many famous female celebrities, and models, were able to have healthy children, and also snap back into their careers after 2-5 years. But it was hard work to lose the weight and get back in shape, and probably required help of a health specialist and personal trainer.

This is not attainable for many average people, because they work or just don't have time in the day or the finances to get a personal trainer. But in the OP's case her spouse can fill the role of the latter, and the former requirement is up to her.

As for other factors like hormones and medications affecting metabolism and weight gain, well....those can be factors out of your control or trade-offs one makes in life because they might be necessary for one's quality of life.
Point being is that you should do what you can, and forgive yourself for what you cannot do, and you should expect your spouse to do the same.

 

More numbers for people to get wrapped upp in....15 pounds overweight is nothing.....Does he love youor your body? Ask him that.
If someone does not love someone completely for who they are....skinny or fat...young or old..whatever....I think the relationship is doomed anyway.

 

I am going to say if it's only 15 pounds you are better off to lose it, not for him but for you because a few years down the road it could be 25 and harder to lose. Having lost it would mean you chose a better way of living and maybe he could or is encouraging that.
Now the fact that he wants this change might mean he does love you and has the patience to wait for it to happen where another guy might have left,,, dunno, depends on how he approaches it too, is he an ass about it?
I will admit sometimes I love someone and want something to change but I wouldn't push it, mind you again, it's only 15 pounds But, is he wanting just the 15 pounds or is he wanting you to be a thin rack of bones like some athletes are? Being at weight doesn't mean you will necessarily look skinny as he might like because everyone holds their weight differently. I weigh a bit more then my friend but she looks bigger then me and it surprised us both so that means I hold my weight better then she does even tho neither of us is over weight by standards. This could be a problem and if it is then it is time to leave him if he really wants a skinny rack as a date. If he wants you at your healthy mark then possibly he does care and love you.

 

These contradict each other. Perhaps you both aren't quite communicating clearly. If you're happy the way you are, tell him, and that you're okay with remaining that way. If he doesn't like it, you'll have your answer.

 

It's one thing that he doesn't know any better because that's how he grew up. But he should realize he's never going to find anyone who is exactly what he wants 100% no one is perfect. He needs to get over it.

15 lbs overweight does not make you unhealthy. Do exercise, and do eat right. It's nice if he only cares about your health. But it seems like the issue isn't just about health. If it's anything more than that, then he's shallow as fuck. Sorry.

 

You either like a person for who they are or you don't. Nuff said.

 

That is a hard thing to figure out but I was alway told to except a person for who they are in all areas.I understand he is fit and was raised to believe you have to be fit and skinny and from what you say your not that over weight and I believe you can loss it and it could be fine but life gos on and when middle age and old age comes more then not you will not be the same body wise and some gain a little and spread in spots we wise we wouldn't.Is he going to be able to be alright with that or not?He seams to care and maybe you are reading to much into it,you haven't been together that long really and are still feeling your way around each other.Give it time and see where it gos.

 

I just find it particularly rude to ask someone to cull weight just because they're a supposed athlete. There's your first comparability issue, nutritional differences.
15 pounds I work out to be roughly 7kg. That's not a whole lot, we can put that on over winter and lose it in summer =D so to me its feeling like "you need to be a perfect size doll like Japanese stereotypes". I take it you aren't Asian at all?
I find that odd anyway, have not seen many white women with Asian guys, it's unique, unusual.. I like it. But still, gotta let this guy know that skinniness doesn't run in your DNA or something, sounds like he wants you to be something you can't be.. or willing to be.

 

So OP, what do you parents & other "blood" family members look like? Most likely you will end up looking something along those lines. Yes daily life habits and what you eat and exercise helps considerably, but family genes usually win out in the end.

The other thing is this can be a slippery slope for you. Loosing weight or getting in shape has to stem from what "YOU" want, not from what someone else tells you. Otherwise in the end it just seems like work and over time you will end up resenting him. Yes most Japanese / Asian people are thin compared to Americans, but that's also like saying they are shorter and have smaller dicks too (on average it's true). Mostly it's gene based, that and cultural habits over many generations.

It may be a cultural normalcy for Japanese to tell each other they are fat, and to me (being an American) it seems rude as it's like going up to a balding person and telling them they are bald or going up to a person with crooked teeth and pointing that out, or you telling your BF, hey your 3.5 inch dick is kind of small, can you do something about that? Yes one can make an argument that BMI or the amount of excess fat you have can be somewhat controlled whereas you are destine to be the height you are or have the hairline predisposed to your genetic base, but the same is also true about your body's mass as well. Seriously you could eat the same exact thing he does and follow exactly in his footsteps far as daily activity and in the end you would probably still be heavier than him. Why? Because of genetics, him having a naturally faster metabolism than you, etc...

Just trying to offer a different point of view and if anything tell you this will grow old over time and you will build up resentment. Yes you may have the deck stacked against you being you are living in Japan, but just saying...