Okay, I am mainly keeping this for myself. I want to have a record of this tomorrow when things will seem back to normal. I ate 8 seeds. Even typing this makes me want to vomit again. I did vomit even thought I scraped the white stuff of off the seed. I think my mistake was to eat before I ate the seeds. I thought that was smart, but it really wasn't. Note to self: Eating 6 is more than enough. Do not eat before eating the seeds. And please don't rationalize that you loved 8 so much that you can't go backwards. 8 was too much. I repeat, too much. Stick to 6. That is, if you plan on doing this again. Okay, so I ate the seeds around 9. Before I vomitted, things were really bad. I felt sick and lathargic. After vomitting (which see above, I think can be avoided. I know it can - I have done it before. Just don't eat before hand.) I felt much better. Not exactly true. I had to get rid of the taste from my mouth and my nose. Wow, vomitting is bad. Okay, but once that was done, things got a little better. Again, this is too overwheming. Next time stick to 6. Today is the 4rth of July. No work. I was supposed to meet up with my sister and her husband. Still can't decide if I am up to it. I think they will be able to tell right away. See, if I did 6 I could hide this much better. I think. Anyway, I don't want them knowing that I did this. For reasons which I will keep to myself for now. Either way, today I want to: Go to a meusem. I have to check if they are open on the Holiday. Go to Central Park. A lot of cool Eurpeans. Even if they think Americans suck. I will prove them wrong singlehandely. We need more love in the world, that's for sure. That's my two main ideas. Now, I am pretty sure I don't want to have to hide how I feel or anything for that matter around my sister and her hubby. It's 10:55. I keep needing to spit. I think I am scared to swallow it becuase of the taste. But the taste isn't there. Okay, let's move on to the realizations. A plus? I am typing better than I usually type. Much quicker and with less mistakes. The less I think, the better. My fingers seem to know where to go. But when I'm sober, it's not so easy. Note to self: When typing, just let the fingers go. They know what's going on. Okay, this is what I realized this time. 1057: Firslty, every time I trip, I always wonder how long I will live with these realziations. If they're true, how come I can't live with them on a day to day basis without having to trip again to realize them. They must not be true. But they feel so true. The human expreice is thus: Intelecaully, we know what is right and wrong. But we are led by our emotions. They keep getting in the way. That's why we can't stick to a diet, or have meaninglful relationships. Scratch that - of course we can. But it takes a lot of work. And you need to stay open and honest with each other the whole time or else it's all false. I can't understand why people need to talk to other people about they sognificatn other. If you have an issue, why not address it at the source? What's the point of talking to a freind who will only get you fired up? For some reason, I keep having the taste of the seeds come back. And it always makes me need to spit out my saliva. I can't see this date with my sister working out. Too much to hide and too much to say. She will know somethings up. Heck, we're twins. She probably knows right now. I hope she's not mad. I don't know why I never learn. Acutally, that is only what society says. To me, tripping out is okay. I agree with it wholeheartldkly. 11:03 - Okay, having realized that I am not going to hang out with my sister - see that's messed up. Why do I need to lie to her. I should just call her and explain that I ate seeds that are making me trip and if her and her husband want to be my sitters for the day that would be cool. But it would never work - she thinks pot is bad. Not really. But she thinks acid is bad. I wish I could trip with her. I think it would help her so much. But I think that about all people I love. The truth is, I don't know what's good for them just like they don't know what's good for me. We are just here to love each other uncondionally. Why is it that trippers think everyone needs to trip. Maybe we just need it. Other people might not. Maybe we're the weak ones. See, this is the death of the ego. We are wrong. They are right. Tripping is a sign of weakness. We can't deal with reality, so we need to trip. If you are okay with reality, why trip? But again, what about self exporatiobn? But foroget that - they know what they want to explore. If they are interested they will do it. If not, not. Everyone does what they think is best for them. But it's not really true Again, we are led by our emotions. We can realitionze what is good and true, but we can't live like that. See, and I thought tripping would get me closer to live with that reality. I'll only know after this is over. UNtil then, it's all theory. And I hate theory. I know what's right, but it doesn't matter. 11:09 - I want to write more, but I know that going outside is so much better. But in the end, at least I'll have this record. And I have all day to go outside. It's hot and humid. But again, I like to complain. The meusme will be nice. But I might get thrown out. Society can't deal with trippers and we cant deal with society. Isn't that nice? Who is going to break the ice? Back to realziaitons I need to work on myself. I need to refine my character traits. I am very course. And I am 28. But at least I think about these things. See, the point is like this: at 50, what kind of person will I be? Will I be led by emotions? Again, this is part of the human experiece. And right now, I don't see a way out. But there have been people in the past, right? Great people who have somehow escaped living by being controlled by their emoitions? Or maybe they just did a better job than the rest of us. Everything is relative. 11:14 - am I wasting the day? I think not. I need to read this stuff so maybe I won't need to trip again. To trip again is a sign if weakness. It means I didn't get it. I had the truth, but couldn't hold on. Then why do it in the first place? It's all so trasitaorry. But please remember next time to do 6. That's more than enough. How much truth can you handle, anyway? Will this get caught off? I hope not. I hate being cut off. I hate being censored. But that's what happends . We go to our jobs and we are censored. Does anyone really live not cesored? I doubt it. And if you think you are, I would say you are lying to yourself. Ego death is impossible. We can kid ourselves about it. Man, my tpying sucks tihgt now. 8 SEEDs IS TOO MUCH!!!! Only 6 next time LSA? Hi, my name is LSA. I am weak cousin of LSD. You remember her? Can't find her? Sucks for you. You are stuck with my until you can find her. Which is impossible. 11:30 - another wasted day stuck inside? Ni, I am going outsie.