Having Things In Common- Super Important?

My first serious relationship lasted 8 years, even though there wasn't really much physical chemistry. I attribute that to the fact that I was constantly telling myself I was never going to find someone I clicked with this well, and that looks and sex would decline as we got older anyway...

My second serious relationship came as the result of telling myself those things for so long, that I finally rebelled, believing I was still too young to settle and give up on a good sex life and experiencing passion. That relationship was only 8 months long, but it showed me what I had been missing in the previous one. However, as much as I wished I could keep it alive, we just had nothing to talk about. I was a college graduate, he had a GED. I was compassionate, spiritually open-minded and creative, and he was cold, analytical and would regularly ridicule me for being flighty. The only things we bonded over were sex and occasionally music (but even in these, he could be controlling and stifling). We each had a lot of emotional issues as well that contributed, but I feel like the thing that really made me feel empty throughout was that we never had any conversations deeper than small talk, and occasionally sharing our life stories with each other...

I recently found myself enamored with a fellow, and thought he was interested in me. Unfortunately looking back, I think he just wanted to make a movie with me, and when he realized I wasn't down, he stood me up and disappeared into the ether. However, we did have a lot in common, and it was so amazing to remember what it was like to talk to someone that seemed like they were actually on my wavelength... Of course he turned out to be a dick, and god knows how much of it was pandering, but after my last relationship, it kind of reminded me of what I needed. I used to think my last relationship lasted so long because I just felt secure there. Now I realize it wasn't just that. We used to have long conversations, bounce ideas off of each other, play with each other's thoughts and pose questions to each other. I miss that shit, man... And to find that with this new guy that I was really attracted to? It was amazing. It was such a let down when I found out what he was really after, but at the same time, it was kind of a blessing in disguise. I had almost given up on finding something that was sustainable long-term. Is this the secret? Am I just way late to this party? I used to think opposites attract and true love conquers all and all that fairy tale BS they tell you, but I'm starting to realize that all of the talk about being yourself isn't just touchy-feely new age crap... It's the whole key.

This sounds really obvious now that I'm spelling it all out, but understand that over the course of my last relationship, I gradually lost a lot of parts of myself and a lot of interests that were once very important to me and made me happy SPECIFICALLY because this guy that I was trying so hard to appease didn't like them. I think he did the same thing, but he definitely encouraged it more in me. Looking back, I realize that I knew something was wrong, but as I had never felt the way he made me feel before, I was willing to make the sacrifice. The problems with that were obvious. I became depressed, anxious and was afraid to make a move without fear of criticism. When I objected and tried to end things a few times, he guilted me, saying "I've made changes and given up things for you because I love you and want to keep you." I just figured this is what they meant when they said relationships were work... Even though it felt so wrong...

I'm finally realizing that all this despair I've been feeling about never finding the one for me has been unfounded. All the the things I clung to in him were just icing on the cake rather than the meat of the relationship. I realize now that the problem with that relationship was that there was no meat. We were just good chemistry. My prior relationship never had a spark to lose in the first place, so there were no memories of the passion we shared to help keep a fire alive, and that's not okay either, no matter how much you have in common. What I'm looking for is still out there. The problem is finding it in the sea of disingenuous people that just want to use me...

Anyone have thoughts on this? Am I putting too much stress on finding someone who thinks like me? People with significant others, do you find this is true? Or are there couples out there that are total opposites that make it work? Is it POSSIBLE to find someone that stokes your fire and is your best friend?

 

I think it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders! Don't give up. You'll certainly find something. I don't have that much experience with relationships, but it sounds like you do! You know what you need. Don't get mixed up.

 

Thanks. Unfortunately I'm extremely prone to getting mixed up. I get carried away easily, mostly because I spent so long not allowing myself to... It feels so good to give in. I'm trying to find balance, though.

 

Aww, sweetie. Count yourself lucky that you discovered his true colors before you risked your heart any further.

Look at it as an audition for a play! He didn't get hired for the part but portions of his performance were exactly what you were looking for in a leading man. (Okay, bad example because of the 'movie' aspect of your story but I'm bravely continuing with this line of babble, anyway!)

It absolutely IS possible to find someone who 'stokes your fire and is your best friend'. It happens all the time. I had it for 17 years.. and then he got middle-age crazy and went for the younger woman cliché. I'd have preferred it if he'd chosen the little red sports car option behind door number two.

There are no guarantees in any relationship. BUT.. trust your intuition. Don't settle for less than what you really want. And then, roll the dice like everyone else. Your leading man is out there and now you know as much about what you DON'T want as what you DO.

 

Noooo I'm so sorry that happened to you. I am very much grateful it didn't get to that point. He really did me a favor (or several).

I like your movie analogy, mostly because I've spent my life battling a bad stereotype that if life were a romantic comedy, I'd be the funny best friend, not the serious leading lady... And who gets with the funny best friend? The awkward, bumbling side-kick, not the sexy hero. I've hoped this wasn't true, but over and over it's proven itself till I tried to force it with what I thought was a sexy hero (really he just turned out to be an overly serious jerk). I guess I just need to readjust my sites a little. If there's nothing wrong with a funny best friend, there's nothing lesser about a silly side-kick either. In fact, we'd probably be much better matched, and there's no saying he won't have a sexy/romantic side too.

 

Ahh.. but darlin'. ... anyone with half a brain finds humor to be one of the sexiest things on the planet. Readjust your inner profile and advertise that wonderful aspect to be the headliner.

YOU are the funny funny leading lady! Not the best friend. So.. yeah.. find your match where the true gems live.

(well crap.. I've edited this thing three times and I still can't type. Irish coffee.. need more Irish coffee.)

 

My boyfriend and I don't have a lot in common as far as surface level interests - we like some of the same music but not much, we don't like the same movies or books (mainly because he never reads), but we both share the same values in life and we are both adventurous and have a love of nature.

I dont think it is necessary to share all the same interests because that would be boring but it does help if the things you hold most dear to your soul are the same or at least on the same wavelength.

 

Wavelength, yes. I say this all the time. I thought the serious one was on my wavelength, but he was just going through a rough patch. I think I fell in love with the coping mechanism persona rather than the real person. He changed personalities completely over the course of a couple of months. By the time he was himself again, I didn't recognize him.

Funny leading lady? Like Amy Schumer? Lmao... I dunno. I feel like a lot of guys are intimidated/turned off by goober personalities like mine, but I can't help it. I'm honest, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm awkward and I joke about it. Maybe it's just the city I live in. It's kind of overrun by hipsters that are obsessed with their image and granola-heads that are obsessed with hiking and eating vegan. NOT that there's anything wrong with any of those things. It takes all kinds to make the world go round and it takes all of the colors to make a rainbow, but it certainly makes it difficult for a geek girl from out of state to find love... Maybe I should start going to more conventions, lol...

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying poor pitiful me, I can't get a date. You better believe I can. But I'm not just going to date for the sake of going out with someone, and as of this moment, no one really appeals to me. I need to get with a new crowd... Just in general, not just for the guys. Friends have moved and I've moved so many times that I've lost a lot of my regular hang-out buddies. Regardless, I think this breakthrough in getting back to me will absolutely help me find both.

 

I found it is not so simple as the opposites attracts rule or have enough things in common and you have a great romantic relationship. It all depends on the exact situation between those 2 people. Opposites CAN attract, and this can even work on the long term (I see it on a regular basis). But yeah, for other people it looks like their romantic relationship needs to be for a large part about being best buds and not having enough things in common is a no no for them. I know several people for who this clearly works the best. Does it mean I need the same in a partner? I was for a long time inclined to say yes, if we do not share this or that similarities or interests I would be sure it would not last long term. But in the end it's for a large part about chemistry, attraction and recognizing what you really dig in eachother (not about how much it matches your self). I do find that having the same values or at least a bunch of them that are important to both is more important than sharing every interest or pastime.
So... for me it seems also to be values above interests (which does not mean it works with every person with the same values at all, yeah it sucks there are no rules that apply for everything ). But in the end sharing some fun interests too is always a plus naturally.

 

Yeah... I know there are no hard and fast rules, and that does kind of suck... but I mean, I guess it would be too easy to just put in a cheat code and have the man of my dreams just appear in front of me... He has to find me too...

Values, yes. That was a major bone of contention in my last relationship. Way more important than liking the same movies. It would be nice if we shared a passion or two as well, though... Not everything, just maybe a few things we both like so we can participate together. We don't have to be twinsies and do everything together. That would be weird. I like my space and I like to have my own things and my own hobbies.

Can I just point out that even though I've been technically single for a year and a half, I've only been REALLY AND TRULY single with NO MAN in my life for like 2 and a half months??? I need to calm the fuck down with the forever alone bullshit, lol...

 

Yeah, I've been single for way longer and am not worrying about a thing (not because I have a fwb or something, I don't)

 

You are still very young, that's good. First off, making a movie is like a tattoo, it lasts forever. Try not to do things you might regret later. Second, finding your soul mate is like finding a needle in a three billion dude haystack, good luck with that.

I've been with my wife 30 years now, and the only thing we have in common is our liberal ideology. I have a high libido, hers is low. I play music, she makes jewelry. She's totally responsible, I'm anything but. She's had a career for 35 years, I haven't had a job for more than six months. Funny how neither of us could live without the other though. I died a year ago, and she spent $20,000.00 of her own money, on top of $150,000.00 health insurance to bring me back. She spent 16 hours a day at my bedside for a month, nursing me back to health. I'd have to be a real heal, not to lover her back.

 

aww.. RJ... lovely story. You're lucky to have one another, and it's wonderful that you recognize that. I'm sure she does, too..sweetie