OK this may turn into a long read but I've been carrying a burden around for a long time and I was wondering if anyone had a similar type of situation and how they handled it. Quick childhood history (which may or may not affect what happened)... i discovered masturbation when I was 9 and wasn't really sure what it was all about (this is before the time of computers and immediately-available porn). When I was 10, a friend and I discovered that we both did it and masturbated together quite a bit. It progressed to oral, but not anal. I enjoyed it a lot -- I didn't know about gay or straight at that point in time, all I knew was that it felt good and it strengthened the bond with my friend. When I got a bit older I found out about gay/bi/etc and realized that I did something "wrong". I still did it though. Back when I was in my mid-late teens, I went out with a girl from high school for about 2 years. She has a little brother that is about 3-4 years younger than her/me that went to the same school as us. I never paid attention to him at the beginning of the relationship, but I eventually student aided one of his classes in my senior year, and got to know him a little better. I started hanging out with him a lot, more so then I hung out with my actual girlfriend. After an amicable breakup, I still hung out with him, even more so. We quickly became extremely close, so much as to call him my soulmate. We did everything together, hung out every minute of every day, slept over at each others houses every weekend. We were soulmates. We got drunk a lot and he kept asking me if I wanted to see his dick. I said no a few times because I didn't want to make him think that I did, but I really did. The third time he asked me, I said OK. He showed me his dick and at that point I pretty much fell in love with him. I faked "falling" and hit his dick with my nose. After about a year, we started masturbating together (not mutual masturbation) to straight porns when we slept over at each others houses. We camped alot and sometimes went to hotels when travelling to visit relatives. Every time we went to a hotel we would have a shower or a bath together, then go back to the room and masturbate on seperate beds. I was very confused about what was happening, because we were so extremely close and I was infatuated with him, and we did all this seemingly harmless nude stuff together. It got so bad that at one point when he was passed out drunk, I went into his room at his house and started fondling him through his boxers. I eventually took his dick out and started sucking his dick and balls. I was rubbing my dick against his body and was extremely horny. I could tell that he was awake but faking sleep because his breathing was getting pretty laboured. I know that he was a virgin so this must have been very new territory. Eventually I felt bad and stopped, and let him go back to sleep. We never talked about it, but when I was talking to a gay friend a few years later, he mentioned it to him.. that's the other reason I know he was awake. About a year later, he got a girlfriend, and for some reason I just snapped. He phoned me to tell me, and pretty much immediately after he told me, I told him that I didn't want to hang out with him anymore and not to call me again. He didn't. It's been about 6-7 years, and he's now married and has a child. I feel horrible for severing our friendship so harshly, and it's been plaguing me for years. i still see him occasionally but it's a bit awkward. Has anybody else had something similar happen to them?