handeling distance

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Carlfloydfan, Jun 10, 2006.

  1. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    I've experienced something amazing and now that distance has come between us, we have decided that it is worth fighting for. I already have tickets to see my gf in france after Christmas, for two and a half weeks.

    if everything is perfect besides distance...than why let distance become a factor? if love is true and strong, than it transcends everything, and overcomes all obstacles, including distance. We are going into this experience with very open minds.

    with that said, any good advice on working towards a POSITIVE long distance relationship? I have good feelings about this. The worst case scenario is, we become very good friends. I don't want to hear long distance horror stories, I've taken part in one and have friends who have too, I could care less about those stories or any nay sayers. I have heard those stories and don't want to cloud my head with them to much because of the negativity, and want to avoid any self fulfilling prophecies that come from concentrating on them to much. Other experiences, no matter how common don't dictate what will happen in yours.

    So give constructive criticism if you need to but be positive. I have seen long distance work! I know I am not giving much information but I don't want to write a novel. ask questions if you must and trust that this is a very strong bond between two people who have experienced bull shit in the past with relationships and have a good idea of what they want and who they are.
     
  2. If you feel that you love this girl very much, and the feelings are mutual I say go for it. It takes a real lot of commitment to dedicate to a long distance relationship though. I was in one for a while but it just didnt work, however I dont want to discourage you. The only reason it failed was because lack of interest or careing. But that is beside the point. I know a couple that are insanely in love with one another and live in different states. I know your situation is a little different seeing as she lives in a different country but its similar enough. They have been together for at least 2 years now, and are just as crazy about one another, as when they first met. They see eachother at least once every two months, and come August they will be going to college together. They have put in a lot of time and effort to make their relationship work, and frankly they have the best relationship out of anyone I know. They fight often though, but that is only because like I said they are crazy about one another. I dont see any reason it couldnt work out for you, you just have to know what you are getting into. You and your girlfriend soung fairly serious, so I am sure you know what you are up against :). I really hope everything works out for you, and I am sure it will.
     
  3. .Hannah.

    .Hannah. Member

    **Edit: I believe this is the longest post I've ever written in these Forums. Excuse the dissertationish length. Some of it may be commonsense but I've found life has a funny way of clouding the "commonsense" until it's not so common when you're in the middle of the picture and not the one looking objectively. I hope this will help, if not emphasize what you already know in greater detail. ;)

    Carlfloydfan,

    I'm glad you sound firm in your decision. The worst is when people waffle and are indecisive about their decisions and the impending situation. It sounds like the both of you have the maturity and foresight to not only recognize the risks and heartache, but seek to learn from others' experiences to prevent the unnecessary pain.

    Having said that, pain, loneliness, insecurity are inevitable with long distance relationships. There's no way for me to convey the joy of a successful one, without mentioning how bad or "negative" (as you put it) it can REALLY become even in the best of relationships.

    No horror stories here. Only lessons I learned the difficult way. I also want to point out that before every crash, and every end or "horror", there was a time when things were very bright, very optimistic and very wonderful. For me, long distance did not work for long. But I have some tips for you I hope will be helpful. :)

    1) Time
    You didn't mention for how long your girlfriend would be in France. Please keep in mind that we cannot see what goes on in our S.O.'s daily life other than what they tell us on the phone, email etc. Do you have to know everything? No. That is not the point, and yes, trust is a large factor.

    But what people miss completely is the daily or frequent in-person reaction that couples usually get to experience with each other. You won't have that. This also means that you won't see subtle differences in the way she may act or speak. Differences that can mean a changing personality, for better or for worse.

    How do you overcome something like this without budding differences growing so large that it seems like a shock when it finally does show? Just be aware. Know and expect these differences. Embrace them the way you would if you were not in different locations. Often these can't be helped. And though I am being as positive as I can, you should realize that the little things do and can add up.

    Also, have a goal not just of when the next time you'll both be seeing each other, but when can you both ACTUALLY be together again. If you both don't want any strings attached, it is a whole different ballgame. The best would be to just enjoy keeping intouch for now and see how things go.

    2) Communication
    As effectively as you can. Email, phone and text messages just don't cut it. They're supplements. If you're both serious about it, invest in a webcam. Be creative! Make home videos and updates of little events in your lives.

    Don't be cheap! Surprise each other with gifts in the mail.

    Sometimes even though just a walk in the park is nothing but a walk in the park to you, it may be something wonderful, nostalgic or interesting to your partner. Describe the little daily things, the big things. Don't hide the bad or the negative just because it's easy now that they can't see you in person. Set up a regular time suitable to both your schedules of each day where you can communicate/converse by webcam and catch up.

    Remember communication doesn't have to be boring or a chore. I know you're probably shrugging this off, but believe me, when it comes months or even years down the road, you might be a little annoyed at the obligation. Keep it creative! Like any relationship, distance or no, it takes work to keep it going.

    3) Visits/Holidays/Time Spent Together
    When you do see each other during those holidays or vacation times, ENJOY that time. For awhile, stop planning for the future, don't pack her stay over (or hers for your stay over) with so much to do that you don't have a chance to enjoy each other. I found that I was just so happy to see my (then) partner that I would want to show him around, do so many things with him because I felt that that was the only way we would actually GO OUT together and experience life together. Just slow down.

    The other extreme would be keeping your partner all to yourself because the joy is so great, and everything is very intense. It's normal. But remember to vary (in moderation) the time, no matter how limited, you both have. When all is said and done, whether the relationship lasts or not, you will remember the laughs you shared over doing something you did together, something you did with the rest of the world - like going on a tour with others, kayaking in a team, horseback riding in a group. Or invite each other to your workplaces, introduce them to other important people in your lives. It will keep your relationship on its toes and you'll get to see how your partner interacts not just with you, but with OTHERS (both loved ones, and strangers). I personally find this critical even if your time during the visit is limited.


    Ultimately, long distance can work only if you are willing to face the negative (like any relationship's trials and tribulations), the loneliness (which is inevitable with the time and space apart) and the uncertainty (no matter how cocksure you are of your relationship). Pushing off the potential negatives will do nothing but place one's head in the clouds.

    In the end, only time will tell with both your abilities to communicate effectively and honestly. Recognize that time is limited during visits but don't create an atmosphere where it's stifling or selfish. Share each other with the world, and watch each other continue to grow.

    Remember also that the human mind functions best through a trying period when it can visualize a goal and an end. If you can both see yourselves together again in the (near) future, it will help you greatly.
     
  4. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    thank you so much for the information!

    I will keep everything you said in my head. I will be creative in dealing with this and will send her neat and orginal things to remind her how I feel and all the things we did together.

    I know that distance often causes people to under appreciate others, but I am aware of that and I think she is too. If not I will tell her that.

    With distance, after a few months, I truly think that whatever you feel, multiply it by 10 and thats what it will be like when you meet up again. people tend to close up after being away from each other after a while and you need to be aware that things will be stagnent, obviously. and physical contact makes things very passionate.
     
  5. .Hannah.

    .Hannah. Member

    Hey, I'm glad that was of some use.

    Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure I agree with your last paragraph. People do change, and despite your determination, I hope you do also recognize how dangerous it is to try and expect them not to?

    A few months is quite awhile to spend apart and I would say 18-22 is a period where many great changes, developments in thought, opinion etc, where you choose to direct your life also (at least for the next decade) happen at this point. I'm glad you recognize any stagnant periods that may occur though.

    Nevertheless, all the best to you and yours. :) I'm very happy you've found each other.
     
  6. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    I am not quite sure i worded that correctly and now I am not sure what I ment, haha. But I know that people change. I didn't mean that they do not in that paragraph.


    thanks for all the info folks!
     

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