I've noticed this subject coming up in some other threads lately, so I thought it might be worth a discussion of its own. Have you ever felt guilt as a result of your sexual behavior? I'm not talking about having betrayed someone's trust here, I mean guilt because you had sex that in some way violated a moral or religious code - regardless of whether or not you actually believed in that code at the time. I myself lived with a lot of guilt when I was young, just over my normal urges and fantasies. I was raised in a very religious family and was a true believer. When I married my first wife, I had never been with anyone before but still felt lingering guilt when I had sex with her despite being married. (Yes, I know. - pretty hardcore complex there, way beyond the guilt I was taught to have. But there was a kind of sex-negative subtext.) I actually framed our marriage license and hung it in the bedroom to help me feel ok about it! That was a long time and several relationships ago, and I no longer have the same religious beliefs or guilt about sex. But it took a long time to get to this point, and I found that my involuntary feelings didn't immediately match my intellectual beliefs while they were changing. Has anyone else experienced guilt that was really out of step with their rational beliefs on the subject?
I refuse to have sex unless it violates a moral or religious code. On a serious note, morals are extremely subjective, and I don't believe in religion. I have my own sexual guidelines, and I've never felt guilty about them.
Irrational things I've felt guilty about: -bi-curiousity as a youth, despite always having been completely gay friendly. -masturbating because maybe my dead dad was watching =P -saving Internet girl's pictures; but I always thought that's okay as long as you keep them safe, because they were the ones to put it out there, and I have a horrible memory.. -masturbating to non-nude pics of girls I knew - which isn't really different from fantasizing about them There's probably more, and there are tons of rational ones but I don't want to share most of them from embarrassment. One was this cam girl that was giving me a free show because she was convinced I would pay for one if she gave me a free show, and there must have been a huge language barrier because I was telling her I was under age and didn't have a credit card. I could have blocked her and saved her the trouble, but I watched. She could have been a slave for all I know.
On reflection, probably only once. I may have woken up a few times and asked myself why the heck do you have sex with so and so, but that was more on a personal behaviour thing. Pure slutty. Guilt as in being in conflict with a code of morality - as I said, probably once. i pushed another woman (she was in her 30's, not a girl) into acting upon her bi-curious urges when I was 99.9% sure she was not really able to take that step Trust me when I say that for someone - man or woman - to actually act on their gay curiosities is far harder than you think. For this woman, the act of putting her face between my legs was a bridge too far. She had indicated trepidation during foreplay: that was where I should have left it. I didn't She didn't wail or anything: didn't even cry, just apologized and said she couldn't: we parted amicably. But I ignored my own sense of worth by pushing her (gently, but pushing) as far as I did.
The only morale things I have when it comes to sex is consent from the person or people I am doing it with and that cheating is wrong under any circumstance! I have never gone against either of these things so I live guilt free.
I feel a little vulnerable, for lack of a better word, in answering this, but I always try to stay open and honest - so I'll answer as such. I feel VERY guilty after posting sexual things on this forum after a while. I go through these hormonal spurts where I feel like I am incredibly horny and going to lose my mind for lack of sex, so I post here and write all kind of thoughts and feelings as freely as I can - actually I hold back, I could be more explicit. ...but then as the weeks pass, I get guilty. I too have a church background and I feel like I have done so wrong and I feel ashamed and wrong. So then you may not see me post for a while as a result. (sometimes, it's because I'm just busy or burdened) I don't feel guilty about masturbation any more, as I used to. I feel like it's my body and it's either this or I'm going to screw anything in my path because of my sex drive -- so I masturbate. I continue to wait for the right person and the right moment to have sex, it's been OVER two years now I do feel guilty after watching porn though. Depending on what I get into watching that night, the more guilty I feel. Then there is the sex act itself. If I'm in love (I'd actually like to be married, but being in love is good) then I don't feel guilty. But my ex asked me to do weird stuff in bed with him, he was bisexual and I really loved him. He kind of sprung the bisexuality on me once we lived together, and now that things are past, I can see he was more gay than bi. But anyhow, he asked me to do compromising things with him and afterward I felt very guilty and wrong. So, it's hard to have a dirty mind like mine...and a high sex drive and then all these guilt trips.
Great post! Why feel guilty about something so natural. I was raised catholic and sex was never brought up in my house growing up. Even though I wasn't religious myself, I had a feeling that consequences were waiting around the corner for me for being horny. Logically there is nothing wrong with sex or sexual thoughts as long as no one is hurt.
yeah, man. I was raised religiously. Quite a few of my close family members passed away between the ages of 7 - 11 and of course every time I was told, "they're always watching you from Heaven," and all that other crap young children are told to make them feel better. So naturally when I started masturbating around age 11 or 12 I developed a serious complex about being watched by my dead family members. Also when i started getting sexual urges but before i started masturbating and I didn't really understand what the urges were, I would imagine demons rising from the floor and surrounding me whenever I felt horny. I had some seriously fucked up hangups. Then of course when I lost my virginity I went through a huge spiritual crisis and thought I was going to burn in hell forever. Before I hit puberty I also had this overwhelming fear that I was a lesbian. I don't really know why - I actually have never thought there was anything wrong with being gay, I remember some girl told me gay people go to hell when I was in second grade and even being the good little religious girl that i was, I knew she was wrong. It didn't make any sense to me that gay people were bad or automatically condemned to hell, but at the same time I was really scared I would grow up to be a lesbian. So I hit puberty and realized I was pretty damn attracted to boys but I think I probably suppressed some bi curiosity somewhere along the way. I do love a beautiful woman but I've always been too afraid to go there. I shed my religious beliefs around 18 or 19 but didn't really start enjoying sex like a normal person until I was 22 or 23.
I'm really grateful for all the responses here - I wondered if anyone would even want to discuss the subject. Each post really deserves a detailed reply, but short of that I'll at least say this: To those who haven't had arguments with their own brains on this subject - good for you, and be grateful for the peace of mind you are able to enjoy. That's really great! To those who still struggle - you sound perfectly normal to me (for whatever little bit that might be worth) and I hope your irrational guilt fades over time. If you really don't believe, objectively, that your actions are truly wrong try asking yourself if you would condemn someone else for doing the same thing. If someone confided these things to you, would you treat them like a terrible person? If not, you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Also, ask yourself honestly, "what makes a thing wrong?" For me, the answer is "if it does harm." Your answer might be different of course. Just my $0.02. I hope others will add to the conversation.
I get what your saying. But let me say this rhetorically. Why does the church make it's believers tack on shame for confessing and talking about things. I thought the whole emphasis of that faith was CONFESSING stuff to others and feel good about having their internal mental thoughts and actions match with what they confess with their mouth. Just something I think on quiet. Maybe I'm just being a pest...but in my humble opinion the "if it does harm" test in of itself is vague and subjective. What one considers "harmful" depends on a lot of things. Each individual will have their own personal view of what they are or aren't accountable for things. And it usually happens by degrees. Most agree that things done to protect the self, are justified, but what if those same actions intended to for noble cause has a domino effect that is negative. Are you responsible or not?
Oh, not being a pest at all - I totally agree about the complexity of evaluating harm. It's often impossible to anticipate the ripple effect of any action, but the consequences are real even if unforeseen. It's also true that doing no harm also includes doing no harm to oneself, and sometimes this is the hardest of all to objectively evaluate. I simply think that if a particular idea or image in which there is no obvious harm being done (nothing violent by any definition) turns a person on, there should be no guilt attached. That's all I was really referring to. If a person believes in a particular code of conduct and goes against it, I think there is harm being done to the self, since the person is betraying their own values - whether or not they are doing anything to harm another. My point did not extend beyond that. I'm not thinking of fantasizing or masturbating in self-defense. That's a scenario even I have not yet envisioned.
