Granny in the sea

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Smiling_Rose, Jan 16, 2005.

  1. Smiling_Rose

    Smiling_Rose Member

    She stands in earl grey tea,
    Green water swilling around
    Her wrinkled ankles,
    A smile is creased across her
    Pallid skin.
    When did she become so young?

    Her arms hang stiffly by her bony thighs.
    Her eyes seem hollow, naked.
    Her beige costume is sagging.
     
  2. kidder

    kidder Member

    I love that title! I like the attempt here to craft the impression you want but I'm having trouble unifying it. Help me. Grey tea= sky? Why didn't you move with the discovery of her sudden youth in the closing three lines? You seem to give up on her very quickly.
     
  3. Smiling_Rose

    Smiling_Rose Member

    thanks, kidder. earl grey tea = the sea; english seas are all grey, lol. I don't think i understand "Why didn't you move with the discovery of her sudden youth in the closing three lines? You seem to give up on her very quickly."
    but i was going to put the line 'when did she become so young?' at the end of the poem, then changed my mind. it was too predictable, it made too much sense. my grandmother, now in a nursing home, is so out of touch with everything, she could die tommorow and her mind is already dead. i wanted to end the poem like she's ended, dissapearing before i noticed her going.
     
  4. kidder

    kidder Member

    Okay. I just saw the line- when did she become so young?- and thought the closing lines would draw on this and embellish the impression. It's neither here nor there. I hope your grandmother knows her granddaughter writes poems that try to understand what this life thing is all about. Keep writing!
     
  5. ditch the last stanaz. the first stands alone!
     
  6. Smiling_Rose

    Smiling_Rose Member

    you know, that is a really good idea! thanks! I'll put the last bit in another poem, lol.
     
  7. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

    I agree with Major.

    [She stands in earl grey tea,
    Green water swilling around
    Her wrinkled ankles,
    A smile is creased across her
    Pallid skin.
    When did she become so young?]

    *applause*
     
  8. Smiling_Rose

    Smiling_Rose Member

    thank you all for replying, it stops me being lazy and inspires me to keep trying to put words in a reasonable sort of order!
     
  9. sylvanlightning

    sylvanlightning Prismatic Essence

    Thank you for sharing, I found your poem very discriptive and full of imagination.
     
  10. browneydgrl

    browneydgrl Member

    yeah i agree w/ major, too. the poem is instantly nostalgic.

    and thats my favorite tea
     

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