Got Any Fun Sexual Jokes?

Here's one:

A guy had never heard of 69ing, so his friends got him a prostitute. They got in position and things were going pretty well. Suddenly, she farted. He didn't mind, so they kept going. Then she farted again. He stopped her and said, "wait a second baby, I'm having fun, but I don't think I can take another 67 of these."

 

Sure, first - seduce someone...just when you start humping..suddenly stop, jump up and yell "OH MY GOD!!!"...dress extremely fast...and just as you run out the door yell again - "please go see a doctor!!!"
Oh yeah...that would be funny.

 

In high school, a friend of mine slept with a guy I really liked, so I phoned him and pretended to be her and told him I had a nasty green discharge and he should go see a doctor asap.

 

Oh that is just delicious...haha

 

I save all of mine to reply to other topics where they seem relevant.

C/S,
Rev J

 

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "See you next month"

 

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalottapus.

 

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says "Error. Not long enough."

 

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A Megasaurus

What do you call a cheating dinosaur?

A Doyouthinkhesaurus

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

Alright, I'm game now:

A woman goes to the psychiatrist to complain about her husband. The psychiatrist asks what the problem is. She replies that he is a workaholic, picks his nose and won't assume the bottom position during sex.

The psychiatrist then asks to talk to the husband. He repeats the wifes complaints to which the husband replies, "When I was 13 my dad sat me down and told me 'Work hard, keep your nose clean, and never fuck up'."

C/S,
Rev J

 

I know a guy who masturbates in the shower so much he gets an erection every time it rains.

 

That's almost like that Seth Rogan line about how he jerks off with hand lotion that he actually forgot prople used it on their hands.

C/S,
Rev J

 

how many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?


10 little piggies

2 calves

one ass

one pussy.

 

I had a fight with an erection one morning. I beat it single-handed.

 

A school psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "According to your child's names you all have obsessions," she stated. To the first mother, she said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." She turned to the second mom, "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, let's go."

 

Have you heard the joke about my penis?

I won't bother telling you, it's too long.

 

That's hillarious! Love all the jokes!

 

I met a new prostitute in town. She's a midget. I gave her eight bucks to go up on me.

 

"If you switch off the light I'll take it up the ass", the wife said. The room went dark and then she let out a horrible scream. Husband said, "Sorry, I should have let the bulb cool down first, huh."

A foul mouthed woman came into Walmart yelling obscenities at her two kids. The greeter said, "Nice children, are they twins?" The bitch replied, Hell no you dumb fuck, are you blind? They're not even close to the same age! Greeter said, "I'm not blind, I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice....have a nice day...thank you for shopping Walmart."