global warming satirical essay.

what do you think?

Through my research on global warming it is apparent that global warming is not a problem at all. In fact everybody needs to consolidate the fact that global warming is helping mankind in many different ways. The environment warming up, the ocean levels rising, and the increase in carbon dioxide are all benefits to the environment, economy, and mankind in general.
As the world warms up people will not have to heat their house. This is beneficial in many aspects. Not only will this save homeowners and businesses money it will also use less natural gas, which can be saved for other things. Also power plants will not have to produce as much electricity. This will reduce the amount of fossil fuels consumed by power plants, since the majority or power plants burn coal to produce electricity.
With the temperatures on the rise the icebergs and polar ice caps will be melting. This is but a miraculous thing. For one the coastline will go inland a couple hundred miles. Thus people who have property along the new coast will have an increase in property value, due to their property now being beachfront property. Also fruits that thrive close to the coastline, such as citrus fruits, would flourish close to the new coastline, bringing fruits closer to other places and reducing the cost of shipping the fruits. This would reduce the amount of impoverished countries around the world.
With no more icebergs or polar ice caps naval passage with be much easier. Also captains will not have to worry about running into any icebergs, and recreating another titanic experience. Over-sea shipments or cruises will not take as long because the captains would not have to avoid any icebergs.
As the carbon dioxide levels in the air increase, plant growth would also show an increase. Since plant growth will be on the rise the price on fruits and vegetables will decrease, also producing enough food to help end world hunger. With plant growth on the rise the plant industry will fully benefit. Also everybody’s yard will flourish and look extravagant, relieving the stress of having to worry about how your yard looks.
Global warming should be looked upon as a blessing rather than a burden. It is time for humankind to stop degrading global warming and start praising it. With property values increasing, plant growth increasing, food prices decreasing, and world hunger diminishing who wouldn’t want global warming?

 

I imagined this being read in Stephen Colbert's voice. Great one, mate.

 

thanks. im thinking of possibly getting it published, but im not sure if it is that good.

 

I would welcome some warming around here. Can't afford to turn my furnace on.

 

I attempted to write a satirical essay about global, and was wondering if it would be good for my high school English class. Feel free to give good feed back or just totally bash on it. I am trying to improve it so, any response would be great. For those who do not know what a Satire is, according to a dictionary, it is "a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn." So please don't take this essay seriously

I also live on the east coast, therefore the events that I write about, will apply to me.
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The past few decades, the world has been astonished by the amount of CO2 humans are emitting into the atmosphere and say if we do not stop, there will be dire consequences. But what they do not understand is that global warming will be the most benevolent thing human beings will ever grant the earth. Global warming will bring a copious amount of positives, which include saving money, eradicating animals that threaten the human species and saving the world from hunger.

Tree huggers need to stop thinking so much about the animals that will be affected. For example, the penguins, which will die off with global warming. They to me are just black and white bird things that swim around the cold and cannot fly. What purpose do they serve in life anyways? And to anyone who is sad for the dying polar bears because of the melting ice caps, let’s face it; we all know that polar bears are mean and cruel animals. Similar to brown bears in America, polar bears are incredibly aggressive and will gnaw on humans if provoked. By eliminating polar bears, we are exterminating a dangerous animal, which will in turn increase another species, Homo sapiens. With less polar bears around, there will be more humans living because there will be less polar bears killing, which seems reasonable.

With global warming, people will not only be less stressed about being eaten, we will also not have to worry about buying winter clothes again! Since it won’t be cold enough for us to wear those dreadfully enormous coats, with three additional sweaters underneath, we can just relax in shorts/skirts and a t-shirt. There will be no more worrying about losing the left glove of your snow mitts or having your hair freeze when waiting for the bus in the morning because you forgot to put on your hat. In addition, there will be more girls and guys wearing bikinis and shorts at beaches, which is a plus side for anyone.

Speaking of beaches, global warming will bring the coastlines much closer inland. This means that people in the east, who love to surf, will be able to get that nice west coast water. The nice waves and warmer water would provide a better time surfing for people in the east who love the sport. Furthermore, people in areas that are landlocked, will have an easier time getting water, since our friend, global warming, is going to bring it closer inland.

Getting water is very important but without food, our bodies will not be able to function. Global warming is going to solve the world hunger problem. When global warming stops winter, it would allow us to have an extra season for growing crops. We will be able to grow food during December, January, and February! And with all of this extra food, we can send it to third world nations, who need it so dearly.

So there you have it, global warming will bring us great change, and also make a lot of humans safer. There will be less money spent on awful winter clothes, people on the east of the United States will be able to get those Cali waves, and there will be more water access for those that are landlocked. So the next time you leave your house with the lights on, take a long hot shower, drive to your workplace two blocks away, and heck, even fart, just remember that you are doing it for a good cause, you are saving the world from hunger.

 

Global warming is a joke. We're in a cooling phase. We are seeing record low temperatures across that planet that haven't been seen in decades.

Global warming my ass.

 

Using short term fluctuations to imply something about a long term trend is a sign of either naivety or stupidity. I'm embarrassed for you rat, I really am...

http://www.realclimate.org/index.php/archives/2008/12/2008-temperature-summaries-and-spin/

 

And getting all your information from Al Gore and his corporate oil buddies is even more embarrassing. The global warming myth has been so thoroughly debunked that they're now opting to instead call it "climate change." That is the new mantra because "global warming" no longer works for people with working brains. They need a new term to dupe the gullible and ignorant. Those who simply want to placate their egos and pretend they're little eco activists don't even care about the facts.

Top Russian scientist: global cooling coming

Canadian Scientists Fear Global Cooling

Four Scientists: Global Warming Out, Global Cooling In

 

Please provide evidence (peer reviewed research) to back up the statement that "global warming has been thoroughly debunked". Your blustering and ignorant empty rhetoric doesn't quite cut it.

Links such as those to your favourite corporate-puppet right-wing blogs should be in the anti global warming propaganda thread.

 

I guess debunked was the wrong word to use, as you cannot debunk what hasn't actually been proven.

 

It can indeed be debunked. It's a theory supported by a large body of empirical data; in order to falsify the theory you'd need to show that the data which corroborate the theory (all the different kinds of measurements) are wrong, or that the basic mechanisms of climate forcing are not properly understood or applied, or come up with an alternative theory such as a climate forcing factor which is not accounted for in the current models and which adequately explains the long term warming trend.

So, again: please provide evidence (peer reviewed research) which does one of these things and debunks the theory.

http://www.realclimate.org/index.ph...y-noise-and-the-art-of-model-data-comparison/

 

I'm pro global warming. While I realize that I have to take the steps necissary to preserve our mother earth, I also am aware of the things you posted. I agree, good post and you should work on putting it out there for others to read! Thanks for sharing.

 

sad to know that the glaciers are retreating at an unprecedented rate due to global warming. forget about the coasts, think about the countries in the himalayas..if the temperature continues to rise, the glaceirs will melt which will cause floods and cause massive destructions to the people downstream. floods can also wash away the farm land and there are chances of people dying of starvation. and yes not to forget the diseases like malaria, dengue, diarrhoea, allergys which are on the rise due to increase in global warming and precipitation.

 

what he said... also, did you know that one (full sized) volcanic eruption does more damage to our atmosphere than 15,000 years of auto emissions?

Great paper, kinda vague, which is ok if you intended to be that short.

 

Love to know where you got those figures... this is simply an urban myth.
http://environment.about.com/od/greenhouseeffect/a/volcano-gas.htm

 

I stand corrected. Thanks for that info dude

Edit: ok what I've just read is that they do actually create more harmful gases annually but are washed out in the troposphere by rain, the human created emissions penetrate to the stratosphere and cause the damage. Still don't know if this is accurate.

http://www.geology.sdsu.edu/how_volcanoes_work/climate_effects.html

 

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I think that global warming is already creating big problems for humanity. Although 10 years ago everything was not so scary.

 

You are wrong. I think you are referring to a different planet than earth. I’ve said it before, if casinos bet against the science and data of global warming, they would all be bankrupt before the day shift was over.