My gf and I have been together for 2 years. She's a sweet person. She was shy at first but started to open up. She tried to avoid me at the beginning of our relationship. She would not let me kiss or hug her. I thought she didn't like me or was with another person. She said the last guy she was with hurt her badly. So we took it slow and I gained her trust. Almost a year in she still didn't want me to hug or kiss her. She didn't want to have sex. She didn't want me to know where she lived or what she did. I really love her so I wanted to know why she was acting like this. She basically told me she was raped and lost her virginity to rape. I felt so bad for her. We cried together and I told her I'll be here for her. Eventually, she got comfortable and we worked our way up to sex. She was really scared her first and second time. The third time she started to relax and said it felt good. The biggest issue is she refuses to let me do anything to her. She always does things to me. She gives me handhobs which are amazing. I never came from a hand job before. I wanted to return the favor and she refused. I wanted to go down on her she refused. When we do have sex it just feels like she wants it to be over with. I told her I want her to have an orgasm she refused and told me she does not want one. Sometimes she just lays there not interacting with me at all. I can tell she never had sex before because she's inexperienced. She avoided guys after her rape until she met me. We do a few positions but I'm always on top. She gets frustrated being on top and I can't go behind because she's triggered. She's not ready for that yet. Our relationship has improved a lot. I'm just frustrated she thinks sex isn't about her too. I want to please her just as much as she pleases me. I don't know what to do.
She definitely has issues from being raped. Often women who were raped don't like to even be hugged by men and they are highly secretive. The only men they feel comfortable around are gay men. I have known women like this.
Your comment reminded me of a shy girl who I worked with some years ago. She started chatting to me in a far more relaxed way at a barbecue when I was wearing my leather shorts. It was a few years later that she admitted that she had assumed that I was gay and when she later met Jane was the point that she realized that not all men rape and abuse women. She left the company soon after that, so I don't know how her life has progressed, but it was good to know that I had helped her in some small way.
I can relate to your girl completely. I am glad she has someone like you in her life. My last boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with him or be more sexual after three months. Nightmare situation for someone who has been through what we have. Just be patient, give her lots of reassurance. There is no timeline for her feeling comfortable so just accept it and enjoy what you can. She has placed immense trust in you by being vulnerable with you. Don't screw that up by focusing on what's not happening.
These two things dont add up. More likely she put out too quckly with the last guy who then too quickly took her for granted and she learned from that Usually three different categories: a) sneaking around with some much older than them crusty rich guy no one sees, with no interest in guys their own age, off to the gay club whilst he is away on business b) the handbag mafia - no one else can stand, even other females c) The third category, you dont really want to know, but they watch too much gay twink porn. But basically all three types will bullshit every male their own age
Just a word of advice, she may never get well. Her sexuality may never become close to what is common for non-rape victims. She may get better, happier about her sexuality, but she may never get what you thing of as "well". Your role is not to help her get well. Your job (as boyfriend/partner/husband) is to care for her (as she is) and to help the two of you find a sex life that works for the two of you, the way that you are, not "the way things should be". Being raped may have "broken" her sexuality in a way that can't be repaired, your task is to find a way for your relationship to work even though her sexuality isn't normal. And that means a lot of talking with each other and a lot of emotional mirror issues. (By emotional mirroring is "I can't let her do that, its unpleasant for her, even though she does it because she knows I like it" which leaves her feeling inadequate because she didn't do what you like. Your concern for her blocking her from doing things that express her concern for you. Kind of a contest to see who makes the bigger sacrifice for the other. Its a mess, but the two of you are going to figure out how to make this work for both of you.) OR she might get better, I hope so. But it isn't guarenteed.
I was like this before. Now I'm much more understanding. She's beautiful, shy, funny, smart. I felt a connection with her. When she told me she was hurt in the past my heart broke for her. It feels like she's only having sex bevause of me.
You can change your thinking. She can change. But the two of you may not get to what you think of a "normal" or "healthy". I'm not predicting failure, but I am suggesting that a goal of "works for us" is more realistic than "healthy". Getting to "Works for us" is going to be work enough. Good luck.
