Getting along with square in-laws and unclear expectations

In-law siblings let partner and I crash for a few weeks at their place while we were between homes.
We offered to pay rent- they declined.
To make it up to them, we did chores around the house, I brought big bags of fruit on a biweekly basis (I was working for a local farm at the time), I cooked for my nephew, and did their dishes all the time everyday. Fed their dog and cats, watered their garden daily, cleaned house often, bought groceries out of our own money.
They allowed us to use their shower and laundry while we were there.
Now, this is all very generous. To make sure we weren't overstepping our boundaries, we asked multiple times to have a household meeting to establish what's allowed, what's not, what's expected.
They assured us there was no need, make ourselves at home.
Towards the very end of our stay, they kind of pulled the rug out from under us.
Suddenly, no shower, no laundry. Up until this point they let us use these facilities until we established our own.
The wife just up and said, no more, and implied she didn't know it was included. (btw the bro-in-law is chill AF he never enforces like this, but he knows where his meals come from so he doesn't say anything).
This kind of sucked because
1) we still needed showers and laundry
2) this is exactly WHY we wanted a family meeting- to establish boundaries and expectations.
Relevant info: I probably showered once every other day, and did laundry a few times a week.
She informed us their cost of living had gone QUITE high because of us. I doubt this.
But expectations were never established!
And she's a professional homelessness advocate so this seemed especially hypocritical to take these two vital things from us.
They are financially pretty well off.

We were able to find alternate accommodations, but it was q1uite a shock.

Ever since then, I haven't spoken to the wife, and rarely see cool bro-in-law. Now they're having a New Years Party. Bro has the best knock down all night parties, but I don't wanna go and be around her. It still hurts.

What do y'all think? Am I the asshole?

 

That is one of my nightmare situations to be in.
It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong...
Personally, I wouldn't go to the party if it were going to bring up negativity. If it were important to me to go, I'd try and talk to her before hand.
Sometime though, people just don't want to make things okay, and that is really hard.

 

Go somewhere else. Loyalty is not on a sliding scale. If what you say is correct, cut them loose and if they ever ask why--tell them straight up. Once a person lies--you then know that they are a liar. Once a person steals--you then know that they are a thief. Once someone proves to be disloyal (again--if what you say is correct), is there any reason to believe that their disloyalty will not happen again in some other interaction? Don't think so, but obviously, this is up to you folks. Disloyalty cuts right to the heart of having a relationship or not to me.

 

Thanks. She presents as this lovely, understanding person initially. But in the past she has been judgemental of our spending; we used to get our mail at their house (they said we could), but when we started getting too many packages she criticized our spending to her husband; essentially, "if they were REALLY poor, they wouldn't be getting..."
They didn't even know what was in the packages. Yet they live lavish lifestyles, have great income and health insurance.
She acts like she's progressive but she can be quite judgemental.
It sucks because I adore my bro-in-law.

 

You're totally right. they used to say how much they love us and that we're family.... but I don't trust her anymore.

 

You are welcome. Difficult situation. However, I believe that it would behoove the brother in law to set her to rights, if he so desires. Is this person your sister?

 

No, Bro-in-law is my husband's little brother. He's led a very rough, dangerous life, and to be fair, she set him right, helped him get healthy, and is maybe the reason he's still alive. He needed structure, and boy does she have that.
There's no way he'd contradict her. She's in charge, she takes care of him, and he knows it.
I'm pretty sure she frowns on our gypsy lifestyle.

 

Yup--difficult. Hope it can work out for you somehow.

 

Yep. Luckily we don't have to be around them.
Me, if I don't like you, don't get along, we don't talk, we don't hang out.
But my husband is big on reconciliation, on peace, and of course, it is his family. He's already over it. But my trust in them is damaged. And yet I'm sure if I brought it up to her she would reason it all away and blow me out of the water with her rationale and therapy experience. I just don't wanna fight.

 

Relations are thrust upon us.
Thank god we can choose our friends.

 

You have that right. My so=called parents were totally inept at being parents. My friends, male and female meant a lot to me.

 

Same. Haven't seen my mom since In was 16. I cut out toxic people.

 

It would be interesting to hear how they justify their behavior. The abruptness with which they cut you off seems very odd.
Sad either way, I hope you are able to find alternate housing ASAP.

 

let do math..

show us the bills.

 

They declined you paying rent then maybe offer to pay whatever the increase in the water bill would be?

If she declines that, it must be something else. I would leave, then.

 

not the way you tell it, but there's always two sides so it's hard to say why she suddenly flipped. i suppose it's possible that you were doing something really jerky and she tried to subtly tell you that and you didn't take the hint. it still would have been better to agree to the meeting, but i could see this scenario happening.

weird punishment though; if someone was living in my house the last thing i would want would be for them to stop showering or washing their clothes.