Gay man having an affair with a straight married man

Hello everyone! I'm back with an update. From my last message, we did meet that Friday and it was agreed we would be more like friends with benefits rather than "boyfriends". After much thought, I agreed to it to it thinking he could call it whatever he wants as long as the relationship continued. We continued to talk several times a day from his job and continued to have sex but not as often as before which was fine with me. To be honest, before all the trouble began he was wanting sex so often I was finding excuses sometimes not to do it. Isn't that ironic? Anyway, everything was getting better until when one day I had a late in the day dental appointment. I was in the dentist chair when my phone rang. It was him, he wanted to talk before he left work as usual. I couldn't answer the phone obviously so he sent me a text message telling me goodnight etc. That night about 9pm, I received another text message from his number that simply said "hi, how are you?" Remembering we weren't able to talk earlier, I thought he was reaching out to see how I was etc. I responded to the message saying "I'm good, how are you?" which I received no response. The about 15 minutes later, my phone rang. it was him which is highly unusual because he doesn't call me at night. I answered the phone and told him I was surprised to hear from him. He replied that yes, he had received my message but he sounded very odd so I figured the wife must be listening and played it off like we had not spoke in quite some time but told him I was surprised to get his message. The next day he calls and asks me why I texted him like that. I explained I was responding to his previous text. Well it didn't take long to figure out that it wasn't him that sent me the txt but the wife. I told him he needed to tell her that she's to stop texting his friends and pretending to be him. He had every right to talk to her. He said he wish he had known that last night and he would have said something to her at that time but thought it was me that texted him first. I again explained that we had agreed that I wouldn't do that so why did he think that? Besides when he called me that night I told him that I was responding to his text. he claimed that he didn't hear that. After explaining, he seemed fine but inside I just felt that I was going to pay the price for this. He told me that he went to take a shower that night and as always to build trust left his phone out of the bathroom. When he came out of the shower, the wife tell him that he received a message from me but of course didn't tell him she initiated it and she erased her message. Sure enough, a couple days after that he turned into a nervous wreck and said he thought she had stopped being suspicious of him and began saying things like he needed to be there for his kids as they grow up etc. and felt his life was falling apart on him. He began talking about moving out of state again and how if his family and kids ever found out his life would be over. Omg friends, I've tried to calm him down telling him that nothing happened. She didn't get any information but he's not listening. So after hearing his nervous rants everyday, I asked him to tell he why he's making such a big deal out of this when she didn't get any information. In the back of my mind I'm thinking he just wants all this to go away and maybe not talk to me anymore but he doesn't have the courage to tell me. So I asked him, and he told me he thinks until he can get himself back to normal that he thinks its better we don't talk. So this Friday, I'm supposed to see him for lunch to pick up some things from him and he implied he may want to have sex!

I'm just frustrated because he never wants to blame the wife for anything and she texts me and now our relationship has fallen apart with her text. I knew I was going to pay the price. I always do. Now to make matters worse, I still jog a regular time daily and all of a sudden she is now doing her walking exercise in the same location sometimes at the same time. I act like I don't know her when passing because if even look at her I'll pay the price for that too. She asked him after seeing me, doesn't he know who I am? He responded I don't think he recognizes you. She is such a bitch but after this is over I feel like if I see her again that I want to laugh in her face. I know that sounds terrible but I'm so tired of her playing these games. I have told him over and over again about how she likes to play games but he doesn't want to do anything and appears to be such scared of her. Maybe she thinks, because she has made comments like this, that because I'm gay that I'm naturally easy to bully or something but a part of me want to show her different.

We'll see where this goes Friday but it surprises me a little that he still wants to have sex with me tomorrow. He denies that he'll ever have feelings for another man but I don't think he'll be able to kill those feelings inside. It may not be with me but to have sex with another man. to me, it just doesn't work that way otherwise, so many of his would be straight because its easier. Thanks again, to everyone for all the great advise and caring. It is truly appreciated so much!

I'll keep you posted how this all turns out tomorrow (Friday)
Much love,

 

Wow!

Wow thepapasmurph, I read this and could not believe it the similarity! This is so crazy but yes keep your heart guarded. Have you heard from him since? I learned a BIG lesson here. Never again will ever get involved with a straight married man no matter what he says. The sex may be fun but thats as far as its going. Just fun.
Guard your heart, my friend!

 

After reading the update where the wife had intervened and sent the text I would have suspected something was up just by the response sent back. Starting out the response with "I'm fine," would let me know it is a response to a question. Knowing I wouldn't text when at home I would have my antenna extended as something was up. I think you should explain this to him because if you were initiating a text you wouldn't start it off with an answer. Many a love affair between two people has been derailed by a third party being selfish. This wife is being just that. it might be due to protection of her status as being the good wife and mother. It may be due to her wanting him only for herself. Or this may be coming from the instinct to prevent the children from knowing their father is bisexual and has a lover outside the family unit. Whatever it is she is undermining the relationship hoping to cause it to cease. But your friend if fighting her on this because of the joy you do bring him when you are together. Even if the joy is only about sex, he just cannot close the relationship and stay steadfast with his wife. If it isn't with you he may find someone else.

Here's a suggestion to deter the wife from finding text messages on his phone and fucking with your mind over them. Have him put the Google Voice app on his phone and keep the icon buried in the app group and off any front pages. The deeper it is the harder it would be for her to come across texts between you and him. Once installed set it up to where it doesn't cross into the main phone app which it can. Then have him use Voice for communicating between you and him. Also have him delete you from his contacts list and only use Voice for calls and texts. He should know your number by sight so there is no need for keeping it in his contacts. Once you are gone from the main phone app and contacts list she won't be sending any more texts fucking with your mind.

I really don't condone cheating which is what he is doing by meeting you for sex. I rather this whole affair be ethical non monogamy. it would be best if she accepted he has another lover in his life but keeps her as his primary partner. You will have to accept you are a secondary partner for him. If she continues to refuse him to have other relationships, intimate relationships, then for his and your peace of mind anything that can be done to keep it from her may be best. Of course you already know she knows and further continuance with or without her knowledge will be discovered eventually. That's the hardship of having love for more than one which is what he has gotten into. But then he may not love you as you do him and is only with you for the sex and intimacy you provide. As Papa said, guard your heart. Lastly, if this man brings you enough joy for you to put up with the wife then forge ahead and have as much of him as he will give. But beware there is a limit on what he will provide and if its not enough then look for what you need elsewhere.

 

Well its pretty much over guys. We said our goodbyes without saying goodby about 3 weeks ago. After the second time the wife anonymously called my phone, he got really scared. He said he thought she had pretty much forgotten about it and moved on but that obviously wasn't the case. He started having a difficult time dealing with out relationship and I could tell wanted to cool the relationship for the sake of his kids. He complained of not being able to sleep at night or have bad dreams in fear of losing his family when they found out he was sleeping with another man. I could tell when he called me from work, he was doing it out of obligation and the conversation became shorter and shorter.I could tell his heart wasn't into it.
Needless to say I was very hurt. I loved this guy so much. We were so happy together and I think thats what hurts most. It would easier to accept if we quarreled and couldn't get along but in reality it was just the opposite. The last time we were together he wanted to make sure I understood that everything he told about his feelings were the truth. He told me he was very happy with me but right now is just fearful of losing his entire family, He promised he would call again when his head was clear of everything he was going through but I'm not sure if he will. I'm not sure if he's saying these things to keep me from getting really upset or if he's being sincere.

I have such mixed emotions right now. Most days, I completely understand about his kids and family and wouldn't want him to put all that in jeopardy because I sincerely want to believe he's a good person and really loved me like he said he did, I know he doesn't identify with being gay or even bi but just likes having sex with older men. He's told me many times during our relationship that he never expected that he could have these emotions and love for another man and now is saying he will never have an extra-marital affair again with another person, however he's told me that he's bored with his work and his home life and how all his day are all alike and how I don't understand that after 14 years of marriage the romance can leave a marriage.

For the most part, I understand him completely but then on the other hand, I have some days where I think maybe I'm being played just so I go away peacefully without holding a grudge. That's when I get mad and start thinking of getting revenge. I've thought of sending the wife nude pictures of tests from him to show her the real husband that she's married too. I'm certain that would end the marriage but I'm afraid when people found out about him he might hurt himself in the process and that scares me. I know I'd never hear from him again but then I still might not ever hear anything from him if I don't do anyhting.
I want to leave the relationship with a good memory and want him to remember me as a good loving person. I certainly don't want to find out that he's seeing another man, one that the wife is not suspicious then I know I'll feel played. He's been talking about relocating the family to another state to be close to the rest of his family and then he can move on with his life as nothing ever happened.

For a year, we were so close shared so much together and so many fun times but then things changed so quickly through no fault of our own. I think what hurts so much is I honestly thought this was the guy for me for the remainder of my life. He often told me that, I just don't think I'll ever have the same opportunity at my age again. I'm going to miss him so much!

I sincerely want to thank so many people that took the time to respond to my initial message, I never expected to get so many thoughtful caring messages. You all are great! I don't have many friends that I can discuss this with, only one but she's very uninterested in hearing me talk about it. In fact, she knew we were breaking off the relationship that day and hasn't called me to see how I'm doing after three weeks. That's what makes me so appreciative of you all that let me sound off and cry on your shoulder. Much love to all of you who were so supportive. Keep in touch, I'd still like to hear your thoughts or just to say Hi. Thanks again, Lou

 

You both encountered unethical men who used love and romance to have an affair only to realize they cannot maintain that life without complications. In both cases I suggest that had they been up front and honest all the way around things might have been different. Oh, they may have been forced to choose between having either of you in their life or not. But it would have been so much easier on you two, Lou and Papa, if they had been honest about their desires to have relations with you and what they chose to do once their affair was known. In both of these relationships I do not see any real love, just lust for the thrill of it. People will say and do a lot that they really don't mean deep down in order to get what they want. Lies, deceit, come on's will be used just so they achieve something for them and when their comfortable life looks like it will be demolished they crawl into a hole and refuse to own up to their unethical behavior. Then. from that hole, they will string along everyone they have damaged until they have faded away. This is the damage control emotion that comes out and it hurts everyone, especially the ones who were expecting more than what they got. You two have been tossed aside for comfort and security and should know your former lovers will never be for you. It's a tough learn but try and move on. Maybe get a professional to talk with in order to help get past the rejection because rejection of love is one of the worse emotions to recover from. Best to both of you and hopefully you will find a someone that will truly love you someday.