Gay man having an affair with a straight married man

I"m an older 60 year old man that about a year ago met a very attractive 46 year old married man at the park near my house while jogging. I would see him from time to time in passing and say hello but that is all but couldn't help notice how attractive he was but could tell he was straight.
One day, stopped me while jogging and introduced himself. We talked for a minute then he left. we saw each other a few more times but and chatted a little about the weather, jogging schedule things like that. Then I decided to switch the jogging trail I was using and go to another location less crowded until one day I decided to come back to the park where I met him and ran into him again. This time he seemed very concerned and asked why I was gone for so long. I gave him the reason and he said he was concerned that I was ill or something (this was during the pandemic). He then asked to exchange phone numbers in case I ever needed anything to call him. I'm a single gay man living alone. I was shocked that this beautiful hot guy would want to be friends. I thought, could he be gay?? Then one day I was him seated on a bench at the park near the children's playground and stopped to talk when this little boy about 6 years old came walking up calling him daddy. I asked if it was his son and he said yes. The I asked, are you married, he also said yes. At that time, I said forget him being gay.
About a month after that, we went to lunch and during the lunch he finally got the nerve to ask me what I did for sex. I was surprised he was so direct. I told him I had friends with benefits. He then asked me if I liked men. I said yes. After a few more get togethers he started touching a little and I could see he was getting aroused very easily.
One thing led to another and come to find out he had a sexual relationship with another married man, no other than his doctor who then retired and he no longer sees. Over a period of months, we became very close sharing a lot of information, and having great sex.
We became very close and in months the relationship started to become very serious. We talked continuously on the phone at work, he would come over after work to make out of have sex and leave back to his wife. Come to find out he has two boys ages 13 and 6. He would tell me how much he loved me and how he never thought he would be able to having these feeling s for a man. I was very reluctant, to allow myself to go fall completely in love with him and expressed my feelings to him concerning his marriage etc. I told him his wife could snap her fingers and he would he would leave me at any time. Of course, he said, it would never ever happen, he loved me too much and we'll always be together. He was very convincing and demonstrated his love for me all the time so I took a chance and dove in. We remained close and even did things with his sons, movies, lunches etc without the wife. I got to know his sons.
Everything continued to go great until one night his 6 year old climbed next to him on the couch at home when he was texting me and accidently saw a heart gif in his message. I kid blurted out "are you cheating?" in front of the wife. He explained he was watching TIk-tok and it was graphic on tic tok. The wife looked at him and just told him to be careful whatever he was doing.
Then about a month later, she accidently saw a message on his Apple Watch while he was in the shower that where he called me "babe" She confronted him about it because at this point she knew who I was and the message had my name on it. He explained that I sent to him by mistake. It was meant for another person.She didn't buy it. and totally and remained very suspicious. She got hold of his phone and started tracking him without his knowledge. He's now terrified to make a move because of the tracking and she's watching his phone activity, recent calls and texts etc. He doesn't want to stop the tracking because he says it will look too suspicious but he's terrified not of losing his wife but of losing the kids. He's a really good father and the kids do mean a lot to him. We still talk during the day at work from another phone but cannot tell me when/if things will ever get back to normal. He says he just wants for things to chill out before going back. I completely understand and have asked him flat out if he still wanted to resume seeing me. he swears yes but you can tell she has him just terrified. I care a lot about but all of a sudden there's not many "I love you" on the phone, hes not even using the word babe anymore. I told him I was willing to wait but couldn't wait forever and for nothing if he's not coming back. We have met for lunch and made out in the car but now it seems like he's scared to do that.
I really care for this guy now and its like Love is here and now you're gone type of thing. I'm not sure what to do because I do care a lot for him. He swore that this would last a very long time and told me and even told me nothing was ever going to change that. I'm not sure if I should continue to give him more time (its only been a month). I don't want to lose him. He's the type of guy that is sensitive, alpha, hot in bed, and very loving and attentive. I'm just not sure to gamble more by waiting or just leave and miss out on the love of my life. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

He may be married, but he sure ain't straight.

He's clearly bi.

 

Well its only been a week but still no change. We continue to have conversations over the phone from his work but he's told me that his biggest fears are losing the kids and having the kids an d all his relatives and family to know he's cheating with another guy. His family is not open minded at all. He says if it was just her that was involved he would leave in a minute but because of the kids he feels an obligation to stay with them. We still have little or no communication over the weekends or after his work. He's still not offering much romantic dialog. He says he's trying to suppress that because when he goes home he feels she can tell something is wrong. He continues to tell me when things calm down he'll re-access the situation and wants to continue what we before had but will not commit to when or if only that he wants too. His wife saw a psychologist this week to talk about her possibly having trust issues. After the session, she sat down with him and told him she would work on building trust. I told him if that's the case, shut the tracking app off the phone but he doesn't have the balls to do it right now. That would be a big test for her but he refuses to do that still. I love this guy so much. We're supposed to meet for lunch on Monday at his work which may include a little making out and oral sex .

 

Keep waiting, I guess. A winner like him is sure worth it.

 

This guy that was met in the park is gay. At the very minimum bisexual, But I feel he is a closeted gay man afraid to totally come out and leave his present relationship due to family pressure and fear of rejection. Yes, gay men and lesbian woman do indeed have traditional relationships, become married, and have a family with an opposite sex partner just because of the pressures the family instills upon them. Some times they can't go on with the false persona and step out of the life they built over others expectations.

There's lots of suspicion in this thread. Suspicion like him unable to be with the OP due to the wife tracking his movements. Well, how was it they, the OP and this man, met up in the first place. A park where the two of them exercised. This park is probably close to both of their residences solidified by the fact that the man had his child with him at the park one time, probably more. A very easy explanation for the wife is he has a friend who lives nearby and is going there for (insert any normal man activity here). "Honey, I'm going over to Joes house for a while to watch the game." Sex problem solved. Plus there are many other ways to get around the tracking of ones movements and the communication issues when apart from ones lover.

I do believe this is all the man really wants. Just sex with other men who also show him love. Otherwise why would he have seen his doctor for more than medical issues in the past? He has a good home life satisfying family pressures and is safe there with his wife. She probably knows about the doctor affairs or wouldn't have "told him to be careful whatever he was doing." (OP's statement) To be careful to not let the boys figure out his sexual preferences is what I take from the comment. She is doing her mother duty, protecting her brood, and status within the family. The tracking of his movements, seeing a therapist, the trust issues, all point to the wife defensing her security with this man. On her side he provides for a home, some companionship, a father for her children. and the auspices that they, together, are fulfilling family expectations. Expectations of a nice happy couple living the American dream. If his same sex activities becomes exposed it will shake her security right down to her core. Not what she wants at all. So she sends a warning and takes action in hopes to deflect this reality that her husband likes other men.

Along with sex there comes emotions for those involved. Most men can separate love and sex. Some cannot. Thus when a relationship blossoms one partner, the OP in this case, becomes truly in love with the other partner. All this is new also. That spurs NRE or new relationship energy. I feel the OP has been bitten by NRE but his new found friend isn't going to go there because of the aforementioned pressures. This man isn't going to leave his marriage now like he didn't for his doctor/lover before. But why should he? If he can work out the arrangement so he can be sexually satisfied and have a loving partner, the OP, to do that with while remaining in the marriage he's in like flint. The best of both his worlds. He just has to "be careful whatever he was doing."

Meet for lunch and maybe you will have sex with this man again. Then suggest you build this relationship based on just male friendship. Getting together over a couple of beers so to speak. Nobody will know that you are having sex with this man and his marriage will remain intact. I suspect that is what he wants and will go no further than that. I could be wrong but he did let his doctor/lover go before.

 

You seem to be in a sticky situation. On the one hand, you've grown to care deeply about this man who has shown his affection for you and gone to great lengths to show his devotion to you. But his wife has grown suspicious of his activities, which has put a strain on your relationship because she is married and has children. It's natural that you're attached to him and don't want to lose him, but you should think about what staying together could mean.

He's afraid to commit to the relationship at this point because his wife appears to be suspicious and keeps tabs on his every move. Understandably, he doesn't want to put his loved ones in danger, but he should also think about himself. You should tell him how you feel, especially if you have concerns about your relationship or have been feeling neglected. If he decides he needs to put more effort into his family and ends the relationship, respect that.

 

Thanks for the response. Its been about 6 weeks since this problem started and the situation has not gotten better. He continues to call me about 3 times a day from his job to talk on the phone but there's not much affection being expressed unless its prompted by me. I sometimes wonder why he even calls anymore. When we have serious talks about our relationship going forward, he get a bad headache and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He says he goes home stressed out and has to try to hide it from the wife. One day, he told me he would like us to remain friends but not speak all the time just once in a while and if we see each other at the park to have a casual conversation. having beer and casual sex is not an option. He says he will always want to know how I'm doing because he cares deeply for me. He will always love me in his heart. At this time, I had to be honest. While I can respect to be with his wife, I've never wanted to take him away from her or his kids. I just wanted to continue to be with him while we can but it appears that now is out of the question because he's paranoid about the family finding out about his sexuality which even himself is in some denial but its his choice. I gave him the ultimatum that he stopped seeing me, I didn't want to be buds or even speak again in which he became highly upset. I had to explain, that I couldn't pretend like all the things that happened never existed and its easier for me to not speak again. He was upset and outraged.

What I wanted to say was this is when love turns to hate. I was very reluctant in the beginning to start this relationship because of his marriage but he persisted on being the aggressor and swearing that this relationship would not end etc. etc. I finally bought into the relationship believing in him but as soon as this problem occurred he went colder than ice and scared. One problem, I was still riding high. I can't turn off my emotions that easily. The love I used to feel for him is slowly turning to hate because of that. He tells me that whatever feelings I have of frustration, he has double the frustration, almost minimizing my feelings. I told him last weekend to think about what he wants to do but being buds is not an option. When i told him he was upset and stated to tear up and become upset that he left work to come over and see me leaving the phone with the tracker at work.. The wife has also made some terrible statements like she wanted to go to one of these spiritual witchcraft places and request my balls to fall off and that she does not want the kids around me ever again.. At this point, I almost wish she could know everything that happened between me and her husband and it has even crossed my mind to find a way of letting her know who she is married too.

Funny part is we've had sex last week and the week before but he's indicated it's probably the last time. I'm not sure if it is, but wish he'd shit or get off the pot. I sometimes think he wants me to be the one to make that decision to make it easier on him but I've told him its his decision. I'll respect his decision but I may not like it.

Btw, in case you're wondering, I still have my balls .

 

Here's what I see. This man stepped out of the closet and his wife found out. Believe me I think she knows all of the details. She knows that you and him have had sex. She knows your friendship isn't one of just having a few beers over a ball game. She has figured this out and knows her husband has become very close to you. He may have admitted his dalliances with you to her. When she learned this and had time to put it all together she gave him an ultimatum. I don't know what that is but I'll wager she knows everything that has happened and wants it to end.

The why is for a couple of reasons, maybe more. First, her mother instinct kicked in and she does not want you, a gay man, to be near or even influence her children. She probably has a phobia about gay people. Second is born out of her own security. They together have a home, family, companionship, and have built a life together. If he leaves her for you all that is broken down and she will have to rebuild, on her own. Plus the shame she and the children would perceivably endure from family and friends once his sexuality is out in the open. Being a gay man you know the rejections you get for being gay. Your friend has been beset with an ultimatum from her. Now you bless him with another ultimatum. A double entendre he has to endure. He's now in quite a pickle and can't bring himself to remove himself from either relationship. Except the relationship he built with his wife is stronger than with you. He wants, desires, to have a relationship with you. You are sating his desire to have sex with another man. At the start it was the best of both worlds. He got his desires fulfilled with you and was able to maintain the family man persona. But now that it is out in the open and he has been given a choice, to save face and avert all the issues that goes with it he has to find a way to step away. It would be easier for him if someone else made that choice and what I see is he wants it to be you.

My advice is for you to take that role and make the choice. Not out of anger but out of pity for him and self preservation for you. I remember a relationship I had many years ago. It became where I had to make a choice to insure my own happiness. The trouble was I ended the relationship I had with the other woman angrily. I had to move on because I had a deeper love for my spouse than I did for what was basically a sex partner. I loved my sex partner and still do to this day. But I had to make a choice and did it wrong. I think if you slowly back away and don't let him use you as a sex partner you would be better off. That's the self preservation I mentioned. The pity is for both him and his wife. What does it matter if he is having sex and also loving with you while remaining in love with his wife and their family they built. But he now doesn't want that casual sex because of the emotions that comes from the association and the pressures placed on him by his wife. So now when he calls don't answer all of them. Make yourself appear to be busy and let the call go to voice mail. After a week or two of missed calls he'll possibly reduce the number of calls per day. He may not but at least give it a try. I think eventually this relationship will wane but be guarded if he suggests meeting up for sex. That may indicate him just playing you for sex and not really wanting any thing more than that. Cut him off slowly but nicely. It'll go better for you if you do and that is the most important person in your life that you need to care for. Yourself. BTW, I believe you will keep those balls hanging nicely below your cock and maybe ready for another man to fall for.

 

It's calling "unrequired love". Thats hard for one of both.

Many peoples don't take it so seriously. Sex is not love. In the gay scene, sex can be very directly. Not rarely are alibi wifes / marriages, for carrier, business, job, family, social environment. Appearances are deceptive.

The most people think, that all people think like them. When two persons with difficult thinking come together, there is in the most cases a conflict. With same interessts, there is a special conflict. Not all people think in the default man/woman and hetero separation. There are peoples who don't differentiate and give nothing to identities. Identities are absolutelly dispensable. What every person feel is important. These people live out their sexuality instead of living up to an identity. And for many is the social status more important than sex.

 

Thanks to everyone for all the great feedback. I truly appreciate the help. As it stands now, it looks like this whole thing may end on Friday 4/14/23. He has asked me to meet him for lunch to talk about our relationship. Up to now, I have tried to remain supportive and allowed him time and some space to sort things out. We've had a few telephone conversations where we've talked about our future but noting seems to get resolved. He's still a good person who says he thinks of me and what I'm going through but says the pain I feel is double for him. I have played all by his rules to keep this going but sometimes I can't help telling him I love him at which time he gets frustrated and sighs but will squeeze out a "me too" response. I've tried everything I know how but he says he's not happy with his life. He says he can't smile anymore and will fall in deep thought about this situation. I asked him if I am the problem for him and he responds no but says his home life is not what he wants. The marriage is not the same since she saw the text message and goes back to not wanting the kids to suffer for something he did.

I get frustrated because he had the kids when we started our affair and can't understand why the possibility of his wife finding out about us never occurred before to him before I became so heavily involved. The bad part, is I'm beginning to blame him now for me feeling so rotten. I feel like a complete outsider and the least considered person in this circle. I went jogging today at the park and saw his 14 yr. son throwing a football with another kid and he acted like he didn't know me. This is the same kid we used to go the movies and have lunch. I'm not sure what the wife told him about me but I feel like a diseased person that everyone is to keep away from. I've shared these feelings to him but he always responds with things are worse for him. I get little or no empathy in the situation. At least, he has the wife and kids to come home to each day and I have no one.

I hate to say it but I'm starting to feel a lot of anger towards him. He's told me that in the meantime, we can be friends and in if we see each other in public we can have casual chat because wants to wants to know how I'm doing and keep in touch, I told him we can't do that because friends are allowed to call or message each other and his wife won't allow that so to me is not friends. Sometimes he even talks about moving out of state. When I ask if he's running from me, he denies it. I'm afraid when we talk on Friday if he expects me to act like we're acquaintances, I'm going to tell him I never want to talk to him again or hear from him again. This time we'll play by my rules. I dislike his wife so much for everything she has said about me like I'm a diseased animal because I'm gay and he doesn't defend me. I almost wish she would find out completely about us.

I'll let you know how it goes Friday but I'm sad because I feel we're at our end. I've never felt more love for any guy in all my 60 years as I have with this guy.

 

Lou, I do believe this man is leading you on and has a lot of mental issues you should avoid. It seems he is always one upping you. Case in point is you wrote "he thinks of me and what I'm going through but says the pain I feel is double for him." Other examples of this come out over what you have written. He seems to present a more difficult position than you and shows no compassion for your feelings. It's always about him. IMO this man is a cancer in your life and you should end the relationship. The love you feel will fade over time and I believe you can find a mate who will join you and be a companion. So on Friday, play by your rules and end this relationship. As hard as it may be to do, do it for you. You deserve better and better is out there.

Papa, know we are our own worst critic and, because humans are very intellectual, tend to torture ourselves by letting people torture us. What's good is we can control our emotions and take care of our persona by recognizing when others are undermining our joy and happiness. Once you realize this and are in control good decisions are made for your own well being. Instead of letting your lover dash your hopes disregard him from this point on. No more texting, phone calls, or canceled dates. Cease contact with him and move on to other relationship. You also deserve better and better is out there for you too.

 

I find it hard to believe that a man can be called bisexual, and may just be gay men trying to meet social norms.

I agree that women can have the ability to be intimate with men or women, because the rewards are different. A woman can get emotional and physical pleasure with another woman. They also can have a rewarding relationship with a man, finding financial security, expanding their sexual health and producing children.

Many potentially gay men, take wives at an early age in order to succeed in the heterosexual environment at work or business. This allows them to have children and produce heirs for the family. In later life when the female partners sex drive wains, they can direct their attention to loving other men.

 

Do you consider yourself an example of this statement?

 

OK but, that is an issue only for you.
There are gay men who try to fit social norms and don't 'come out' for a long time. That's partly because of the stigma attached to the subject which, if I may say so, is at least partly perpetuated by those who don't want to understand or accept. (It's not about belief because it doesn't matter what someone thinks/believes/accepts when it's none of their own personal business).
Those guys are gay but they hide it as much for perceived self-preservation as anything else. They may preserve themselves outwardly so life doesn't become too troubling, publicly, yet withholding it can be equally destructive to their mental health in the longer term.


Some guys are bi-sexual in that they like to play with both men and women even if they do the same-sex fun in secret. They may enjoy the cerebral connection equally between the two, as well. Some may suppress their 'gay' activities to maintain a stable hetero relationship. Some may not have realised they are bi or gay until after they got married or until later in life.

Some guys may be bi-sexual in that they are straight but play with another guys sexual bits. No deep cerebral connection like they may have with a female but for them, it's all about the cock and orgasms when they meet a guy.

Lots of variations.
Funny it's almost like the spectrum of colours in a rainbow.

Are you unable to consider that the first sentence can apply equally to men as to women?
Here's a thought: I may choose something to live with, such as a Mercedes. I may happily drive a BMW if the Merc were out of action.
That doesn't mean I want a BMW even though it functions suitably well, for my needs, when the Merc is out of action.
(Sorry ladies for that analogy but I think it's a bloke I am trying to explain to).

I consider that absurd and actually demonstrative of some considerable ignorance but, I shall assume it's more likely you have described it in a very clumsy way.

 

The rainbow, a symbol used to differentiate sexual preference from heterosexual. As you say sexuality is a spectrum. You stated just a few of the many ways people find their niche in life.

 

In response to all of you. I am not Gay or bisexual. With response to men, some are proudly Gay, others suppress the feelings by have a Herero sexual relationship with a woman, and in later life abandon the marriage and seek male companionship. The thought of touching another man makes my skin crawl. There is another word for men who love women and men simultaneously and it is called divorced. Therefore the term bisexual is a paradox. Women who love men and women are king of turn on or enticement for most men.