Hi, this is my first post here, i just need some advice regarding my husband. I dont know how to talk to him about our sex life. He is absolutely terrible at sex, mostly because he doesnt take my needs or pleasures into account. When he wants sex, he tells me, hey, lets go upstairs. No foreplay, no romantics, nothing. He will kiss me for a minute, then start undressing, ask for me to suck his (unshaved) dick, and then hell **** me in a few different positions and its done. Its a chore for me, because i get no pleasure out of it, and because its not pleasurable for me, my lady parts are not properly lubricated, and it ends up hurting/bleeding (even though i'm not a virgin). Ive tried talking to him about this, because im very resistant to having sex with him, but he just got insulted. I tried sending him some articles that explain some of what he needs to learn, but he didnt read them. Please help. Im all out of ideas. How do i fix this?
I would have to leave him. How long have you been with him? Was it this way in the beginning? If so it will be much harder to fix now then it would have been in the beginning. If he thinks you are there on demand for him he is misinformed and you need to fix it or,,, seriously I would have to leave him. I feel sorry for you, sex is a wonderful thing between two people. He needs to hang out with sheep. Baaaaah! That was mean but it might be true if sex is about flicking on a switch on your body to please himself when ever he is ready.
I agree with Sallysmart, his sexual behaviour is part of a much deeper rooted problem with his personality that from your description displays immaturity, empathetic ignorance and insecurity. As you are married I can only assume that your sexual relationship has likely never varied much but you are finally seeing that it is not evolving in ways that will work for you. If you are more worried about insulting him rather than forcing him into understanding how he is hurting you than perhaps you also need to change your priorities as well. If you believe that he is worth going through what you will need to in order to get your desired change then stay with him but I would put my money on the fact that men like this never typically do and that another person's attitude is not worth a lifetime of unhappiness.
I did a short stint dating with a guy I thought I loved and he was ok but not anything special in bed. He thought he was tho because he thought his dick did it all. Done! He went on hopefully to find someone who didn't care as much or Maybe he was informed what sex is all about. I do know he found another after I left him but they didn't last long either, don't care why.
People are typically givers or takers, with just a few down the middle. In a marriage and especially with kids it certainly isn't easy to find time to be romantic as life is just to hectic. You always hear about Men just want it now and woman want the romance and the deck is in many way stacked against both in different ways. Bottom line though if you're reaching out to him to try to improve things and he's not taking any of it into consideration and is only out for his own needs then that is very bad and needs to end. Communication is key here and if you cannot get his full attention then I don't see how this situation can improve. In that though, really ask yourself, are you doing everything you can to help improve things? Romance can't just a one sided thing. A woman cannot just sit back and expect the guy to do everything and exactly how the woman wants. It needs to be a teamwork effort.
In my case, at least I didn't feel it like a chore, but I was very frustrated. After almost 20 years of giving and not receiving, I was serious about divorce and started looking for a property to buy and move away. That was what he needed to change. Now our sex life is very good. Good luck.
It's no good if you can't have back and forth communication, for one. If you guys are newly married, and can't work it out, sex isn't the only thing in a marriage, but it can ruin one, either way.
I don't know how women,,, or guys could live with someone they love and go so long like years, especially ten or twenty without before killing their partner or leaving them,,, God 6 weeks would turn me into a miserable asshole, unless it was due to illness but even then it would be tough. A month ago BF had a cold for a few days and so nothing,,, then after he got over it I was sick with it for two weeks,,, and so still nothing, Grouchy Bitch with a cold,,, people seemed to let me have lotsa space, haha.
It's called unconditional love, but one can call it anyway one wants. I don't recommend it, but that's how I love. Egoistic people have more fun. Putting another person's wellbeing before your own isn't for everybody.
Well you are a strong woman then because I would think something was wrong with me or him and something would be done to find out what then steps to improve my life. I guess it might depend on what we learn as we grow. I remember my brother trying to get my sister and I to go get things for him. My mom said "they aren't here for you, get it yourself" and she stood by that standard. Love is one thing but women are not goFers as she called it, go fer this and go fer that for any man. Having said that one guy I was dating for about a year and then was living together with started to think I was around to do things for him. It took me a while but once I could see I was falling into that picture and all of his good looks went out the window for me I moved him out of my house back to his mom's place. He started to demand things and give me shit for things gone wrong, I had a bad feeling I was going to be there for his needs and not mine and I could see our sex life going that way soon too so I didn't let him get there with me. I don't serve a man to love him, I pick my guy on his ability to see us both as partners in everything and yup, he was a hot looking dude and I hated to push him out but a guy's looks don't make me stupid. Momma always said some men will take from you, some will love you for every bit that you are and will prove it every day. They have been together over 53 years and they do things for each other. I'd sooner live alone then love someone for his own reasons. Just me I guess, or a bit of my momma in me.
OP is probably long gone cos she didnt get what she wanted. But likely the usual story, married some guy she knew full well she was never going to be attracted to cos early on he was easy to whip, engagement and newlywed probably sneaking around fucking other guys that did turn her on, but ones that would chase her. But now they dont chase her, never learned how to seduce the guys she wants, because she was always more interested in attention and/or money than men, so has no clue how to seduce men now, so now is pretty much solely reliant on this husband that she never wanted in this way in the first place for sex Probably hardly ever put out the first couple years they were together, a whole lot of "is that all you ever think about?" while she's humping other guys, porn is so demeaning to women, why do you have to look at other woman....while she's humpimg other guys and fapping to gay porn, then a decade or so later wonders why he is bad at sex. By now the hubby has probably worked most of this out, "so resistant to having sex with him" so she still probably only puts out once every couple months, he knows there is no use him trying cos she is going to complain anyway, and even has a little smirk everytime they argue about it, cos its now payback for his earlier years of sexual frustration. She's never been truthful to him, so they have never communicated properly, so no chance of it now Before anyone chimes in with my suposed hatred of women, certainly not from any first hand experience, just sick of hearing this kind of stuff. Most of them are like this, I quoted you, because of what you said, how you not going to get bored with the same one all the time, you dont sound like the rest of them. The ones like the OP, stuck in that reverse goldlocks range, never actually interested enough in men to learn how to chase them, porridge too cold......but 72 in her username, so shes probably in her 40s, so now too horny to be happy with the hubby she was never attracted too, porridge too hot
If it hurts, STOP! I agree with other posters, you need to tell him that he hurts you and sex is not pleasurable. If he's not willing to work with you on achieving mutual pleasure, get rid of this selfish lover. You can help get into the mood by reading romance novels or erotica. Using lube can help but if your head isn't in it, I would hold off on the physical aspect. Either he is using you or he simply doesn't know how to please you. You need to sit down and talk to him so that you can figure out which is true. Then you can take appropriate action (dump him or work with him to heal your relationship.)
And you would be right here, women, or men should not get involved with someone they don't match with sexually because as much a small part of the relationship it's a big part of it to one at least or both and if it's not right then it will probably never be unless they have lots of patience, something I have but not when it comes to sex, I have to make sure it's not just going to be a headache. Before getting married I know it's all good, doesn't mean it won't fail later because of something else like my first marriage, we just lost interest in each other as we aged together, no biggie, we parted as friends using one lawyer to make it a legal ending so it happens. But seriously, why order chicken at a restaurant if you really had a hankering for steak? It isn't going to be good no matter how you try to convince yourself it is. I have to know I am going to be happy which in turns makes both happy.
Any relationship, whether married or not, takes EFFORT. Sexual incompatibility (barring physical issues), is just an excuse to be lazy. Men and women do have different sex drives. Most men are at their peak around 18. They start to decline as they get older. Women start to peak in their 30s. I'm in my mid-thirties and I can tell you, I want it several times a day. Hubby's drive hasn't diminished, but we have to deal with life, you know- work and kids. So we don't get to do it as often as we would both like, but the goal is to try every night. Usually we get to at least once a week. IF we are lucky, three-four times a week. But it's about MUTUAL pleasure. We both do what we can to make sure we are satisfied and that our partner is satisfied.
Yes a relationship is not without effort to make it happen but one liking sex and the other not liking sex is a problem, or one liking it certain ways the other does not. That's what people need to find out, what makes them both tick before getting serious as in long term living together or marriage. Not good for a man or a woman to wish for something the other partner does not do and try to avoid sex or push certain ways after the relationship has been built. Not that new things shouldn't be introduced as a thought as they are realized to see what happens but a person should remember if he/she, the partner, didn't before, chances are they might not want to now just because the other does suddenly. An example, BDSM, suddenly comes as an interest, your partner might say fergit it, and since they met and got to know their partner as he/she was then that person might not want the changes because it's something they never would be interested in. I know what I like but would have an open mind to some things but if I said no I would mean it, no point in pushing, get a new girlfriend if it's going to be a blocker or headache. No man is worth me feeling hurt or pushed around over sex.
