Honesty is what I am looking for. I have mentioned here before that I am lucky enough to have a wife that is very good for me, and I, her. She is awesome in every way - but one. Sexually. She went through menopause, at first her sex drive was unaffected, but as a few years passed it collapsed. Today she basically has no sex drive. (She tried hormones, several, had too many complications) I have lied to her of course, telling her that my own drive has fell, that it isn't that important etc. etc. And I should say, I absolutely do not hold any negative feelings towards her for this. She didn't ask for it, and she can't change it. So that leaves me very unfulfilled in that arena. Of course it bothers me, I starve for female sexual interaction and female sexual attention. And that is where this thread comes in. On a different forum, I was talking to a gal. One thing led to another and we ended up on a chat app (no face!) and mutually masturbated. It was awesome. I so much needed that. Therapeutic. There is exactly 0% I will cheat on my wife IRL. None. I will not fuck this up. I will never do better than her, and I would die before I would hurt her like that. But that doesn't change the need, the desire. I tell myself the online anonymous isn't real, and it really isn't, I will never in 1000 years meet this person or any person. But there is some guilt of course. I am aware of how we judge ourselves, by intent, not result. Am I being completely fucked up? It is only an online thing, and I am not going to entertain doing it with this one person over and over where any kind of feelings on her end develop. I have no intentions of hurting someone else either.
Yes you’re getting yourself worked up over nothing. Why not ask her to let you go find some relief? If you’ve been married that long and she won’t give it to you, is she not compassionate enough to let you go get some?
My simple advise would be, A man's gotta do what a Man's gotta do. We only get one chance at life and for most men sexual relief is much sought after necessity, therefore there should be no shame involved in "playing with others" if your wife shows no interest! And there are also wives a plenty that will accept her spouse's needs and her own reduced in participation. "As long as they are not subject to discussion about their spouse playing the field with others" Marriage has multiple ways for two people to make up a successful partnership and therefore if you dip below your own concerns about how you may wish to continue sexual activity that might upset your wife. You need to play with others, to suit your libido and your resulting pleasure just might encourage your wife to either; endorse your activity or even get her back to regular sex routines! Best of luck.
I personally think you have found a way to have you sexual needs met and have no one get hurt in the process. I am in exactly the same situation. And have done the same thing. What I found was I get my needs met and I don’t resent my wife for not wanting to meet them. I don’t have that nagging sexual tension of not being satisfied. My wife has said she “ doesn’t want to know” how I get taken care of. Is it a perfect solution? No, but I don’t have one of those available.
Just ask for her compassion. If you’ve been married this long she should know your needs. Tell her you need some. If she gives it to you then fine. If she doesn’t then how could she blame you or want to not go get some?
Respectfully, It does appear she realizes that her desire is not there. That said… If y’all communicate well then she should at least listen to your desires for a more fulfilling sex life.Maybe she could at least give you a nod of approval. Let her think about it some. Tough question here. Does she know you masturbate? Do you hide that from her too? My wife and I masturbate any time we want too. We both know and freely watch each other openly.
Who's a naughty boy then, lol, I thought with such a high sex drive as you two have, wanking would have been history by now!
Thanks Ray.., Your correct, Actually my wife does it more than me. She is very open about it. Sometimes she wants to watch me masturbate and I will.
Marriages have open and frank discussions about finances, children, house keeping, friendships, and many other things. Why not about sex and sexual needs as the marriage ages and the couple changes. People do not live parallel lives. Sexual desires and needs do not remain equal for life. No matter how you do it, anonymously on line or with a live person, there are times that sexual human interaction is required. If a spouse who is no longer sexually active expects the partner to also cease I call it reverse cheating. It is cheating the active partner out of being able to enjoy a natural function of life. So no OP, you are not completely fucked up. You are fulfilling a need in your life and should be allowed to enjoy it without guilt.
I have the same issue, my wife is menopausal and has very little sex drive, where as I am still just as much a man as I was when we married. So all the pleading and talking has not helped and I go without, I too have resorted to camming, it is nice to see someone enjoying watching me and orgasming with each other. I feel guilty but every now and then I go back, to feed that need. So don’t beat yourself up too much.
Seriously, OP, you and her need to have a long and uninhibited conversation. If you can accept her lack of desire for sex, it is more than reasonable for her to accept your need to then go get some elsewhere. As long as you both approach the conversation with a true care for each other, all will go well for both of you. If you don’t have the conversation, resentment may grow.
Yes. And that is where I am now. I am very aware of the damage of resentment in a marriage. If money is the root of all "evil" in life, resentment is the root of why marriages fail. People, in general, view older men as "dirty old men" - without any thought as to what their situation may be. Why they are this way. My wife is simply great for me. Except sex. I love this woman. My particular problem is she was in an abusive marriage for way too long. Gun to the head kind of abuse. So this makes her very susceptible and quick to self blame and self loathing. I can't just say to her, generally - "hey I need sex, not just you allowing me to have sex with you, but interactive sex where I know they want to too". I am in a rough spot. And i am not sure what to do. It is hard. Jerking off, doesn't cut it. Camming helps, but it is barely a band aid. I am not even 60 yet.
I know it sounds too simplistic but anyone who has done this as a couple will tell you that what I suggest now is absolutely true. You two need to take a small dose of pure mdma together. The resentment will be gone. You will speak openly to each other. You will understand each other. You will wish you had done it sooner.
Ok. It’s not as though I’m affected one way or the other. I mentioned a solution, that I know from direct experience, would help he and his wife to open up and lovingly understand each other. More so, after the dose has worn off, they would remember the whole experience together and their relationship would be better. I wasn’t suggesting they get blasted out of their minds at a three day rave. Anyway, I hope he finds some way to improve his situation and his marriage. I feel very blessed with my marriage and wish everyone could have a relationship as solid and satisfying as my wife and I enjoy.
