Frustrated and feel hideous... Is my sex life beyond salvage???

Hi there,

My problem is (in my opinion) a complex one, and has a lot of details which may or may not be relevant, but here it goes. Please read to the end and answer honestly and openly and i will help you with any problems you may have to the best of my ability
Ok, so I'm 26 and my partner is 38 this year (i female and my partner male)
As of next month we will have been together on and off for 4 years ( we have spilt up twice for a few months, the last time being about 2.5 years ago.
The background to the problems we had is when we met I had recently lost my mother who was the only family i had, and had come out of a relationship with a serial cheater, liar and bully. Every boyfriend i had had up until that point had cheated on me in some way, usually holding a flame for a previous girlfriend.
My partner, who has admitted to always having "ex girlfriend pedestal syndrome" has always worshipped his immediate ex when a new relationship starts, also lost his father around the same time.
When we met, we moved in together almost immediately, and spent a lot of time together. We were both highly attracted to each other and the sex was the most mind blowing, adventurous sex of my life, he did exactly what I likes and i believed i was the most attractive girl in the world to him. I was so confident in his attraction to me that as a bisexual women, i’d be happy on occasion to involve other girls in our sex life. I also learned that he was turned on watching me sleep with other men, so this happened only a few times and was fine with us.
I found out that he was keeping in touch with his ex behind my back multiple times and i split up with him. after about 2 days of being separated he ended up meeting up with her and sleeping with her. He took her to a fancy hotel, took her shopping and i learned while they were together took her on fancy holidays, bought her clothes and she never paid for anything.
I know it is childish to compare yourself to someone’s ex, but i can’t help but wonder what it is about me that my ex feels less of a need to spoil…whats wrong with me? I am an insecure person anyway from an abusive family and terrible confidence issues from ex partners.
This along with a multitude of other lies felt so reminiscent of history repeating itself of my other boyfriends that I was spurned into multiple "revenge" one night stands.
We of course, eventually split again.
At this point I'd like to add that My partner is not a romantic person, he does not give gifts, or kiss much or plan romantic surprises and I made my peace with that as I suspected that was just who he was. It was the price i had to pay for an amazing bond and great sex. He has always been my best friend.
Another twist to this story is that When we met I was working as a model and he a plumber. I found myself starting a very lucrative career as a professional dominatrix.
This, at first was a major turn of for him, and used to excite him, but as with all things the novelty wore off and now me being dressed up for sessions doesn’t even raise an eyebrow.
When we split up in 2012 for 3 or 4 months, again, within a short period of weeks he’d all but moved in another girl to our flat.
That was short lived, and he left her for me after a few weeks. Again, more lies and deceit surrounded it.
I then find out that in the few short weeks he’d been with this girl he’s moved her in,told her he loved her, taken her to a friends wedding, had weekends away, shopping trips, meals out and most importantly had taking her to a sex store and bought her lingerie and sex toys. To this day he has not done that for me.
Again, I find myself asking WHY???? why am i so taken for granted that after 4 years i don’t get the same treatment a fling of 4 weeks gets?
Anyway, so we get back together about 2.5 years ago, and we’ve been great. He stopped working, and came and worked for me as my domination business was doing so well.
There are no more lies, he spends every waking minute with me.
He’s loving and doting, and everybody around thinks we are the perfect couple.
However, what people can’t see is that his passion for me has gone right out the window. The connection that made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world now makes me question my attractiveness at all
It doesn’t help that when we met i was a fresh faced 22 year old. It was been a tough 4 years and the age is showing. I’ve put on about 5kg that i’m trying to shift.
I used to be a bit of a free spirit when i was younger and have a high sex drive and voracious appetites. We have sex about 1 time a week which lasts between 5 and 10 mins (it used to be 3 times a day and prob 30 mins) and it’s only usually following a “we never have sex anymore" gripe from me to which he usually responds “alright, lets have sex then” So i only get about 40 mins of sex a month. Which i used to be able to bang out (if you’ll pardon the pun) on an average morning!
Nothing as a woman makes you feel more beautiful as yip start to find your first few grey hairs and wrinkles and you’ve put on a little stress weight than feeling like you are strong arming your partner into having sex with you.
He once told me that all his exes have complained that they never had sex, he said it was because he wasn’t attracted to them.
He has told me he used to suffer from premature ejaculation with them and not last more than a few minutes as in order to get aroused in the first place he would have to think of something other than his partner at the time to turn him on, and sometimes he’d overdo it and that would leave to his ejaculating after only a few minutes.
Though he was never a marathon shagger, he used to last a good amount of time. I’m noticing that time is less and less. When we do have sex he barely looks at me, and if he can’t avoid it i see he closes his eyes
I find myself laying there trying not to cry, not enjoying sex as all i can think is how hideous he finds me and how terrible i must look.
There is no kissing, no real foreplay in my direction (i still try to give him oral and hand relief, but to be honest the one way street has made me lose any motivation to do it)
I make an effort to look nice when i go out, i spend lots of money of expensive hair makeup etc and am even going to my first botox today, all to make him find me attractive again. Nothing works.
I would consider swinging again like we used to but i could only deal with him sleeping with other women when i felt like he found me as attractive, if not more.
Now i’m not sure i could handle his attention going in the direction of someone else more
I try and speak to him, ask him what i need to do/change but he either point blank refuses to admit there is a problem on his part or gets defensive, nasty and starts shouting and being so horrid i end up crying my eyes out and locking myself in the bathroom just to get away from the onslaught.
Since we have got back together in earnest (basically when he stopped lying about everything) i have learned to trust him a little more i haven’t cheated on him or even spoken to any other men
I often daydream about joining a dating website, just to see if people still think i’m pretty, or whether i’ve passed my peak
I would never do it as i made a vow to make this work as i love him very dearly and he loves me back.
I’m not sure if we did split up if I would even have the confidence to get naked in front of another man anymore.
I have sat here writIng this since i work up this morning after having one of my periodical sex dreams i now have due to sheer frustration
He can sense something is up and keeps coming over here and kissing me (not something he usually does) and trying to look at the computer.
I wanted to talk about it this morning with him but knew there was no point so just got up and got on with my day.
So yeah, i apologise profusely for this 5000 word essay but i feel there are so many contributing factors to this that it all needed to be explained.
So my questions are as follows;
Do I have ANY right whatsoever to feel excluded from this generous and giving and sexual behaviour that he seems to give to other partners other than me?
Is it just a normal progression of a long term relationship? is this a normal amount of sex/attitude from a man to his long term gf?
Is it worth staying in a long term relationship that is rewarding in so many ways, but your partner seems to now have little to no sexual interest in you?
when i get older and things really start to fall apart, is he just going to shop me in for a younger model?

Please help, i have no one to talk to and I am so confused.

Bella

 

That Post Has To Set A New World Record For

A "One Post Wonder".:2thumbsup:



Cheers Glen.

 

im so sorry..... i just needed to get it all out... i have no family to talk to and all my friends are massive gossips...

 

i just looked up "one post wonder" on urban dictionary.... so i'm a weirdo 1 poster because i'm doing to a forum and specialises in sex topics and this happens to be my first post? at some point doesn't everybody write their first post?
Maybe some of us are too intimidated to write not these forums as there is usually snarky comments instead of support and advice.....

 

Often people who make posts like this do not return to read the replies, so people will be hesitant to read the whole thing and bother to write out a thoughtful response. It is better to spend a bit of time and become a member of the community before asking for really personal advice, as you're likely to get better answers.

 

Advice for what? you've blamed just about everything and everyone except yourself

 

hello eggsprog,

Thank you for taking the time to explain what to the untrained eye seemed like a quite insulting and rude post.
I now understand both what you and glenglen are saying.
I understand that this may be the case, due to what i do for a living i get a multitude of emails that never come to anything.
Im just not sure how i can preemptively join such a niche forum on such a niche topic??
I wouldn't be writing a 5 million word autobiography on a wednesday morning unless i clearly had an issue that was reaching boiling point in my own mind.
i heard my estranged granddad died this week and it had driven me to sort out my problems, and sort them now, before its too late?

I hope this helps you understand my reason for "flash posting" if you will

bella

 

i haven't blamed anyone, or at least tried not to... but given a blow by blow account of how things have taken place, with as much honesty and clarity as possible without making my post even longer. Ive even written some of my main questions at the end
This post is to give people such as yourself the opportunity to tell me, should you have the inclination to, that you believe i am to blame, and what i can do to change things, rather than be nasty...

 

Sorry to hear about your granddad.... Welcome to HF.

 

thank you, i appreciate it.
xx

 

So after reading your post I would have a long talk with him and if he doesn't seem truthful and willing to try to fix things I think you need to move on without him. You don't need to waste anymore time on someone who won't take care of you and make you feel loved and wanted.

 

thank you tazer, sorry for delay in reply. i didn't see the post had gone onto page 2....
its so very hard to have a conversation with someone who either starts slinging mud or denies there's even a problem x

 

He knows that there is a problem, why would he be looking over your shoulder, giving you kisses like he was earlier. He is just dening it or hopes that it goes away.

It hurts to have your heart broken and he doesn't sound like he is the one for you. Get out of this mess and find someone who will truely make you happy. No reason for you to go through what he is putting you through. It will be hard at first but it will get easier every day after that.

 

dont worry they attack everyone Bellalondon, just gotta laugh it off.

I think you should just cut it off with the guy, sounds like too much shitty past to make anything worthwhile, move on and help yourself out.

 

Your post is very long and I only read half of it. It seemed pretty repetitive anyway...

1. You need to end this relationship. (You jumped into this relationship- moved in and had sex with him right away? It works for some, but it didn't work for you.)
2. You need to figure out who you are and what you want. (I know I don't put up with cheaters. You need to decide what you will put up with from someone in a long term relationship and STICK TO YOUR decision. You also need to realize that you deserve better than this jerk.
3. I think you are picking the wrong type of guys and so you are going to have this problem in the future. (Actually, I read a great FREE book that might help you. It's called Finding The One by Diana Persaud and it's free on smashwords. It's very short, I think less than 20 pages.) You should check it out, I really think it will get you in the right direction.

Honestly, everyone needs to be with someone who treats them right. He is neglecting you and showering attention on everyone else. Does that seem right to you? If my boyfriend did that to me, I would dump him in a heartbeat. Any of your friends would tell you the same thing.

12 years is a large age difference. It works for some, but not for everyone.

 

So this is how you get all them women in your party bus... Just kidding.

Good advice, I won't add anything. And to Eggsprog, can I quote your message above in my sig area? The one about one time posters,,,, it's a perfect hit on the nail.

 

I only blame you butt nobuddy listens.

 

I never thought of a party bus..... It would be hard to find a driver in this crowd though.

 

It's simple for me, I would break up with the guy.

From reading your post and thinking of myself in that situation, the only thing that I have is the habit of being in a relationship with this guy. And that's nice. It's nice to be someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. It's nice to have a routine centered around that. But, I want other aspects that come with being in a relationship. I don't know if he finds me attractive and I want to be found attractive, and most importantly know that. He doesn't give me satisfying sex and I want that. You didn't say much about his emotional ability, and if he doesn't have that neither, I want that. It's nice to have someone that makes me better, not worse and I don't get that with him, he makes me a worse person. I can go on, but you get my point. He is not giving me the other aspects of a relationship, so to put it frank, I have no use for him and I'm sure he has no use for me. So, let's end it and find people that do give us what we want and need. So, that three years down the line when we see each other again, and I'm with my love and you're with yours, we can be happy for one another. I don't know. That's just how I roll. I don't like wasting my time on people that can't give me what I want and need and I don't like wasting the time of others if I can't give them what they want and need.

 

I agree... Sorry to say but if he's not making you happy anymore, then why are you wasting your time? To be honest, it sounds like he stopped making you happy a while ago, though now you're just with him out of familiarity. I actually read the whole thing and although I feel sorry for you I did raise my eyebrows and roll my eyes several times. It sounds pathetic and you seem weak for going back to him after all his bullshitties.

You're only 26 and you have grey hairs coming?? Purely from the stress of this ludicrous mess you call a relationship. No. You deserve better and dammit you're not too old to move on and get someone awesome who will fuck you fifty times and love you forever! DO NOT TRAP YOURSELF. Go. He sounds like he has some issues- don't believe the bullshit. Just leave.