I want to try to keep this short and simple. Between nine years old and 11 years old I was sexually molested but I think of work through that fairly well. At 11 years old I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and at 12 years old lost my vision. That's about the time the worst disability came into my life, severe depression. For the most part I have not let my physical disabilities get in the way of living life as best I could. Both the depression and subsequent self-medicating with drugs has at times made my life a living hell. Fast forward to now, I'm 53 years old and almost 2 months ago I attempted suicide which I've always been against. Some people will say that it is cowardly and selfish today but when you are there that place where you absolutely believe there is no other way out and you're completely hopeless, you just so much want the pain to end. I'm still after two months trying to find some reason to go on. I don't think for a minute that I am any different or unique than anybody else that faces depression every day. One thing I wish more than anything is that I could feel something other than just being numb. I really just want to cry but am just unable to. The only real emotion that recently I have had is just anger and that's not something that I'm really used to. I been in various therapy since I was a teenager and that this latest place for five years and have been on just about every antidepressant there is. The only relief I have, and this short term, is the overuse of Dr. prescribed medications, some of which I do need but just can't seem to take them as prescribed. A lot of you are dealing, as I am, the hardest part of the year that being Christmas. I just want it to be over, the holiday season that is. The thing is that I do have really positive and external things in my life, such as my volunteer work and a really wonderful loving church family. But we all know that it does it matter how wonderful things might be on the outside when you're dying inside. I do also linger on the fact that I don't have a spouse and I live alone and I foresee being in a wheelchair sooner than later as my legs are getting worse. I simply do not see a very bright future and am really struggling as to why I should go on. I have always had a heart for anyone that may need a helping hand but it's hard to love others as my mother taught me, when you hate yourself so much. Well I guess this wasn't too short but I needed to write it. Thanks for reading and any experienced input would be greatly appreciated.
In 9 days from the time of this post this holiday thing will be over. Not a holiday basher but this year the heck with it let it be over and things back to normal. I often feel lonely but the holidays amplify the shit out of it. I am off the benzos, don't take anti depressants and feel better. I really have alot of shit on my plate right now and can get wicked angry and therapy and AA stuff I was ever exposed to all says anger is bad in one way or another and I think that's bull.. Ya sure be some perfect being with no anger no resentments "let it go" is the magic answer to everything, oh please. It really really seemed to me that therapy, psychology psychiatry had this underlying theme or like a hidden agenda to create submissiveness and get people to accept crap and not fight back. At the same time I miss the AA a bit cause now I wont go room full of people and catch the covid, alot of that program irritated the crap out of me it was a good way to be around and meet alot of people. AA was my fallback if no place to go one holidays. 9 days this holiday thing is over, days get longer and things back to normal what ever that means these days. Hold on almost there.
First I also cannot wait for this holiday season to be over with. I haven't had a happy or joyful Christmas in 20 years because I do get more depressed at the holidays. Also one of the best things I did was get involved in AA but I have not been in quite a few months and I have got to get back going. This has been a really hard year for me as well as so many others. On July 13th I really lost all hope that I was ever going to feel any Joy or peace and I was still using Vicodin and Adderall that I just hated so much using but I could not stop. So I took it up on myself to do something then I have really not believed in in a very long time, I took a major overdose of Vicodin and Xanax and I was so stupid that I did not do it at night time but in the morning so of course when my sister could not get me on the phone they came over and interrupted the whole process. I spent five days in ICU and after I got home I foolishly thought that my failure to commit suicide meant that God perhaps and more in store for me. But as far as I can see he hates me as much now as he did before I did what I did. I'm really at the same place, if not worse, then I was before the suicide attempt. I still go to my church because I love my church family and they love me and support me unconditionally but I don't have it in me to tell my pastor what I really think. But I've been trying for 20 years to have a personal relationship with God but have only felt rejected and have came to hate him because after all I believe he must hate me because he has not answered lifted a finger to help me in any way. Anyway thanks for the Post and I hope mine wasn't too negative. I am always hoping that around the corner but there are good things that perhaps are going to happen but then again maybe I'm just being naive. be good to yourself and have a good one and you can message me anytime
I'm sorry that you've suffered so much for so long @Blindboy suicideforum.com might be a good place for you to get some suicide and mental health support. Do you want suggestions or advice? It's ok if you don't. I hope something can help.
I will say a prayer for you Blindboy!!!!! If I could,a big hug would come to you .......I hope your doing ok!!
