Friends with benefits gone wrong?

I was unhappily married for 7 1/2 years to a "man" who was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me through out our entire marriage. Ok with that being said I found myself looking else where for affection. During our 5th year of marriage I met someone (for privacy purposes I'll call him "buddy"). I told him I was married, that I was only seeking out a friend nothing more. (My husband was the only man I had ever been with sexually at that time) so surely I was sceptical and scared to initiate any sexual relations with someone new. Fast forward about 6 months.... Buddy and I would text here and there and talked on the phone a few times... my husband continued his abusive ways ....some days were worst than others. I was feeling fed up so I met up with Buddy... We had a couple drinks, and well, I finally gave in! It was amazing! I never knew sex can feel soo good, he made me feel beautiful and wanted ...he put me on a feeling that I never had. You never forget something like that. I knew that I wanted to see him again. But I also felt guilty about it. So I left Buddy alone for a while (a few months) and tried to work things out with my husband, but to no avail his actions towards me didn't change. So at this point me and Buddy started seeing each other more, I explained to him that I still didnt want anything serious with him ...that our relationship would be based on sex nothing more, you know a friends with benefits type of relationship. He agreed. Shortly after that, my husband and I were no longer sleeping together (I lost interest). I am happy to say I finally got out of that horrible marriage.

Well 4 years later ...Buddy and I continue to be friends with benefits. Every time feels like the first time! Always different always feels brand new. However, I've always understood the terms of having a friend with benefits and the main rule is to NEVER catch feelings. Which I never did. But I can't say the same for Buddy. You see during one of our intimate encounters he insisted on "making love" to me... I said ok and went along with it... While we were doing the deed he said to me "I love you" ...I pretended I didn't hear him and kept going but then he said it again ...I looked at him, smiled and kept going... So he stops me and looks me in my eyes and says "Queen, I love you!" For the life of me I couldn't say it back to him.. I didn't want to hurt his feelings either.. So I just smiled at him and started kissing him, I didn't know how else to get him to stop saying that ...I just couldn't say it back.. I couldn't! I can't say something like that to someone if I don't truly feel that way for that person. He left it alone. I didn't want that to affect what we had and I didn't think he did either. So we agreed to meet back up soon as we usually do. But shortly after that night, I tried meeting back up with him and he just didn't seem interested. So we stopped talking for almost a year. I finally tried reaching back out to him... And he was all for seeing me again. So we haven't stopped seeing each other since, BUT every time we hook up he still tries to tell me he loves me or he'll say it under his breath but I refuse to acknowledge it. I just think LOVE is what complicates things, which is the last thing I want because it could all be so simple if we kept our emotions aside. We just can't be together, it'll never work! We're a lot alike, which isn't a good thing. Its more than that though. It's just something I don't want with him. All I want is to have A relationship with him not to be IN a relationship with him. If that makes any sense. And I've always pretty much told him that.

Ok well as of recently (last month) he told me he wanted to get me pregnant!! He saw the look on my face and shortly followed up with "by accident" I couldn't believe what I was hearing, He can't be serious ...can he? I was in shock. Total loss for words!! That completely caught me off guard. I haven't spoken to him since and quite frankly I don't think I am going to see him anytime soon or if ever again. Having a child is such a permanent decision, and I just think to myself why would he want that with me? Why?? Why me?! I don't understand it.

So my questions are: Why do you think he would want to get me pregnant if we are not completely involved with each other?
How long is too long to have a relationship with a friend with benefits?
Am I wrong for continuing the relationship even after he said he loves me, knowing I don't feel the same?




Advice/Questions and comments are welcome and appreciated

 

Seems to me like he wants to get you pregnant as a way to always have some sort of bond with you. If doesn't matter if you were right or wrong to begin with. This isn't what you want right now. Time to walk away.

 

I think you should tell him pretty much what you said in this thread.

He was really good for you, made you feel great. You don't love him though, and you don't want what you have to be an closer than it is.

If Buddy can't deal with that (and it sounds like he can't), then it's time to end it.

 

I would say it's time to end it now because....she already told him those things before, she has never responded to "I love you" and after all that he came back with "Hey...I want to get you pregnant" To me...that is game over. I have no idea what type of protection is being used in this relationship but what's to say he doesn't try to knock her up on purpose?

A woman actually did that to me. I don't regret raising my son, etc. but frankly...I didn't know she was going to do that and had I had even the slightest idea she would...I would have dumped her in less time that it took me to type this post. I once had a GF try to play games with me by telling me she was pregnant. She let me sweat it out for a few days before telling me she was only joking (who the hell does that?) I told her "You might not be pregnant but you are single!" I don't mess around about that topic.

 

mmmm...you may be right about the ending it part.

The knocking up issue is a little different for males and females. Usually it's the girl who wants the baby and tries to get pregnant, but I suppose that it can work the other way around too.

Big difference is that a girl can take morning after pill or get an abortion. Guys don't have any control over whether the girl is going to have a baby or not.

 

**************
I may have came off a little cold on my last post so to clarify ...I very much enjoy what buddy and I have.. That's why I always respond to him whenever he comes looking for me. I'm addicted as much as he is ...I'm just not as emotionally invested in it as he is.

So here's an update:
Since my last post I've seen buddy twice (despite his numerous efforts to see me) and I made it clear to him that I have no interest in having a baby anytime soon. He seemed to have taken in what I was saying to him. During the first visit I found out he is living with his gf. Ok, I can't say too much considering how my and buddy's relationship came about. I'm single, I have no serious involvement with anyone, so if he's fine with it then so am I ...I'm just having fun. He's contacted me a few times after that so I seen him again not too long after ....Then he mentioned "kids" again and I told him again NO! I don't want any kids. It's like it's in one ear and out the other.
I just don't understand him. We are having sex and that's it nothing more than that! Why does he still feel the need to say that to me??!! And I've asked him and his response was "because Your the one that got away" What the hell is that even suppose to mean? Smh. He's a lot older than I am, but I feel like I've been a little more mature with handling this friendship of ours than he has. I want to try to get through to him one last time before I completely stop this relationship. If I can't, I guess all good things must come to an end... right ?

 

You and buddy just want different things. Your wanting the relationship to just be strictly FWB doesn't make you more mature.

 

RUN LIKE HELL!

I speak from experience. there are 2 basic types of guys who will agree to the kind of arrangement you have, the kind who actually mean it when they say it's OK, and the kind who tell you what they think you want to hear so they can get a foot in the door and change you into their definition of perfect regardless of what you want.

This guy is going to keep tossing "I Love you." and "Let's have a baby." at you till you say yes or leave. He doesn't actually care what you want because he is certain he knows better and you just need to accept it. You have come from one kind of domination and walked into a new one, and you can't change him. He is who he is and you don't like that or you would not be here.

Walk away and try again. A new guy may prove to have problems too, but you did spend years with abuse, and there had to be something about the man you liked to marry him in the first place. What you need is time in the field to learn how to find the aspects of a man that you wanted without the aspects you don't want. Mistakes are part of the journey, but as long as you learn from them, you're moving forward.

 

I think your sense of what "love" is is distorted based on how you might've been raised about the concept as a child.

It seems you're looking for something magical, and there also might be an explanation about why you were attracted to your ex-husband who ended up being really abusive.

Ultimately this guy could've been really good for you, but it seems you are subconsciously looking for something else, possibly an emotional trigger, that you look for to define that you are attracted to a certain person. That emotional trigger, might be a bad thing to be looking for from an objective relationship advice perspective.

 

Your husband being an abusive dick to you is plenty of reason to leave him! It doesn't justify cheating on him. Nothing does. Sounds like karma has come to pay you back with this other guy. If all you want is to have sex with other people there is no shortage of guys out there that would be more then willing to help you out with that. Hell it doesn't even matter what you look like or have to offer they are out there. Just ditch this guy and carry on.

 

Wow what entitlement you have. Get pregnant get your life paid for.
Women like you make me sick!

Shouldn't the question be "are you gong to pay half the CHILD'S bills for the next 19 years?" Or is it really about you and not the child.

 

If the man is the one demanding to make a baby you didn't want, then yes, that's all on him. If a man wanted a puppy I had no interest in caring for, he can pay for that too.

It's different when a condom breaks or a couple PLAN to have a kid.

 

So if the reverse were true and the woman wanted a child but the man did not but they had one anyways (lets face it women are the gatekeeper there & rightly so) against his wish, should the man's not also be able to say
"you wanted it you pay"?

 

Yes. Glasshopper, you got the ideal. A woman who lies about birth control to force a man to be bound to her by a baby has nobody to blame but herself. There are plenty of single parents from honest mistakes already, so the last thing the world needs is children born from bad soap opera plots. Courts don't rule that way, but it is the fair way to do it.

Besides, the guy in question has a GF in addition to a buddy, so why is the GF not making the baby? If it's a fertility issue, a surrogate is typically paid well for carrying the baby for the couple and there is always adoption, yet this buddy is being expected to do it out of obligation because he wants one. Talk about a sense of entitlement since he won't be the one bloating with stretch marks and the having to possibly rip the most tender place on his body trying to bring it into the world. You do know many woman have to be sewn back together after labor so they don't shit and piss out of the wrong hole, right?