For Family and Friends

Indeed. Sometimes, people will battle just for the sake of winning, to the detriment of any and all else.

 

I know-- I spot it because I got it.

The things I have to work hardest to suppress in myself I can pick out quite easily in others.

 

That puts you a step ahead. Winning! lol

 

As long as I keep forging ahead I'll be okay. Funny how I came out of school thinking I knew so very much and now I've come to realize how very little I really know. Learning from my own mistakes results in my ability to spot others making the same mistakes.

 

My son had a setback. He drank yesterday afternoon. He had scheduled a day off because they had the plans to go out of town which fell through. He was gone somewhere for 3 hours, came home, got something to eat, and went to sleep. His wife didn't know he had been drinking and she and the girls went out to eat. My son was supposed to wake up and go to a mandatory coaches meeting for his daughters' softball team. While his wife was out she called and asked us to go over and wake him for the meeting because she couldn't get him by phone. My husband went over, woke him, and left assuming everything was cool. A little while later we got a text from his wife. He told her he had drank during the afternoon. He also told her he "destroyed the house" in anger when he realized that he had screwed up and not made that meeting. I don't know anything more. They live next door but I'm not butting in and I'm hoping they don't call me during any drama.

They've done that enough times that last time I ended up calling the police and my son went to jail for 24 hours. He had charges of 4 counts of cruelty to children, and a simple battery charge because he ended up blocking the door and not letting her leave with the children. He wouldn't open up and let them out. Everyone was screaming and yelling and crying so I had to call the police. He got off with no charges in the end because she wrote a statement saying I had over-reacted, etc.

I'm disappointed, and pissed off actually. He needs meetings and rehab and he refuses.

 

Sorry about that-- be strong and secure in your own path and hope that he does fully come to his senses. I hope that it all works out for the best. Sometimes the best thing to do is just step back- though I'd be concerned about the kids.

 

Yeah, it makes me wish I could wring his neck. It's so upsetting for them to see their parents arguing to the point that their daddy has to be hauled off to jail for it.

The other charge they arrested him for which I forgot above was False Imprisonment. His story was that he was afraid she'd take the kids and run off out of state. He didn't hurt anyone but he did prevent their leaving by blocking the door with his body. She just wanted to get the kids out of the house while he was so drunk.

He gets belligerent and I understand that he speaks very meanly to her 9 year old daughter when he does. That is usually what precipitates these scenes.

 

It's not an easy thing to deal with. I am grateful to not be much of a drinker. I have been blessed a a few ways- including a certain perspective on behaviors and social dynamics that resemble enabling an addiction- minus the addiction. There are some people who may think that they're somehow better than the next person who might happen to be struggling with alcoholism or drug addiction but the same types of self deceptions and enabling behaviors foster so many other problems and poison the interactions between family members... emotional infidelity, obsessive habits, even simple laziness... but for there not being a heroin syringe, crack pipe, or liquor bottle at the center the underlying issue does not get uncovered and confronted.

It was put to me this way- the addiction is just a symptom of a disease that one only begins to confront after the substance use ends. The fact that your son is even trying to deal with it is a good sign but if he sees it as merely a problem with the bottle then he most likely is not dealing with the core issue and is fated to return repeatedly to the bottle after every well intended attempt to quit drinking.

Perhaps he sees a stigma in the support group meeting format... or looks down at those who participate but in doing so he is denying himself a very worthwhile resource and worse, he is choosing to subject his family- including his children to this cycle. What kind of person would he look up to? Is he impressed by big, intimidating biker types? I can virtually guarantee that you'll find a few who fit that profile working the steps. Perhaps assembling an intervention group of people he will shut up and listen to is in order...

 

He idolizes stupid thug rapper types

Before that it was baseball players. He didn't put forth the effort he should have in high school, probably due to a little drinking and pot smoking, and he did not make the team in his junior year. He really went into the dumps after that - mood wise. It was very disappointing to him. I don't think he ever truly regained his pride after that. What's worse is that one of his lifelong team mates made major league. I think he let himself down and just never got over it.

 

Then if possible find a group of "gangsta" types who are conscientiously working the steps to talk to him.

Underneath all the "tree trimmings" we're all just people.

 

Hmmm...I'll see what I can find.

 

Stinkfoot, you are a genius! I found this great piece on Eminem. My son loves him. I'm going to send it to him now and talk to him about it on Monday. Thank you for the idea! My hubby even said to send you a hug and kiss for this idea, lol.

http://www.kingice.com/blog/index.php/tag/alcoholics-anonymous/

 

I hope that your decision to furnish your son something he is (hopefully) willing to make good use of is instrumental in him seeking recovery on his own.

I think helping is sorta my therapy to help come to terms with what went on in my past. Thank you for the opportunity to at least try.

Good luck to you and your family.

Edit- I'm not exactly a fan of his music but Marshall Mathers (Eminem) just won a bit of respect from me

 

I sent it to him and this is the reply I got back...This is where his head is at:

"I dont know what im going to do... im just tired of letting everbody down and failing myself over and over everytime i try to quit"

I sent him this back, and will talk to him in person on Monday unless he wants to sooner:

"I'd say really dedicate yourself to AA. If there is an issue with withdrawals, then I'd say do a rehab first. If it is just a psychological addiction, and not physical, working the AA program to the absolute hilt is your best bet."

 

I also added this:

"None of us are going to give up on you and we aren't going to let you give up on yourself, either."

 

Nice sentiment.
It seems that at some level your son is sincerely trying to confront the problem. I wonder if he fully comprehends what the underlying issue really is- beyond the surface problem with drinking... or that it is something besides just a physical addiction.

I think one thing that a support group provides is a way of holding a recovering addict accountable outside of relying on family members and the associated toxic power struggles that will ensue. Your daughter-in-law should consider finding an Al-Anon support group so that she doesn't feel so alone and isolated. The strain being placed on your relationship not only with your son and his wife but also your grandchildren is not reasonable.

 

I do not want to make excuses for her but I do understand where her head is at on this.

She thinks the most important thing she can do after being at work all day/week is to spend time with her daughters. She rarely goes anywhere or does anything without them. Intellectually, I know that in the long run it would benefit them all if she did take care of herself; however, I am sympathetic to her thinking and feelings on this. My husband and I have offered to stay with the kids and strongly suggested that she attend Al-Anon. We've offered one of us to go with her if she wanted. She's printed off meeting times/places for Al-Anon and AA meetings hoping that she and my son could attend simultaneous meetings. Something came up, my son's drinking I believe, and she never went. Isn't that sadly messed up?

As I've stated before, she has been difficult to educate on Alcoholism. That's one of the reasons that I want her to go to meetings. She really doesn't see how attending Al-Anon would be beneficial. In her mind, the problem is that he needs to stop drinking and hasn't.(period)

As for him and addressing core issues - All he has been able to come up with is "I don't feel like I'm having fun if I'm not drinking". He carries a chip on his shoulder about needing to grow up; his long time friends are still single and childless and party as much as they want to. He doesn't feel like people should give him a hard time over wanting to feel good.

Now, since he has missed a coaches meeting that was very important, perhaps he will start to see that the drinking is causing problems instead of thinking that his wife and parents just don't want him to have a good time.

 

The White Chip - White Chip - This is considered the most important chip by most people in the program. This chip siginifies your desire to give AA a try and not drink or drug for that one day. It is sometimes called the surrender chip.

I found one on my son's dresser last week.

He said he'd been to a mid-day meeting on Monday where most of the guys were older than him. On Wednesday evening he went to a meeting somewhere else that he'd been to before. Tomorrow I will ask him how many meetings he went to in the last week.

 

There does seem to be an attempt on his part to confront the problem. I hope that he persists with this- and finds someone that he will trust who will sponsor him. I'd almost advise caution on pressing for details but you know your son better than I and are in a better place to anticipate how he'd react.

 

I'm hoping that things are okay with your son Aerianne.