For bi men whose wife is still "in the dark".......

KD23:

I could NOT agree more, my friend.

Makes PERFECT sense to me, from where I sit.............

 

.....too, you have to wonder about the wife of an older bi male, who, for her part, has simply no further interest in sex, and could care less who hubby is having sex with, as long as he makes no request of her in the bedroom...........

 

Which is why a lot of guys are on the DL except she might take great exception to hubby being faced down/ass up and being inseminated or taking on five guys and blowing all five of them, swallowing cum, getting a facial, stuff like that. Some women of the "I don't care" variety really don't as long as he's taking care of home and not asking her to have sex - and they mean it; some of them don't and get all passive-aggressive on the poor guy and throwing shade at him at every turn because he's out having sex with someone else even though she said she didn't care and, importantly, didn't want to know.

Which is why guys just hit the DL and won't say anything to her about it because she can't bust your balls about something she doesn't know about.

 

KD23:

Again, you speak simple, "down on the subject" common sense; I would agree that, as long as the bills get paid, and the house taken care, the "I really don't care" wife has no issue at all with hubby smoking more sausages than Jimmy Dean, and getting his ass plowed, pounded, and blasted with multiple sperm loads, as long as her overall " home life" remains "unaltered".

Every married bi guy should be so fortunate...........

 

If only. As far as men's health goes, us not having sex has been a problem since the first wife told the first husband, "Not tonight - I have a headache!" Monogamy, way the fuck back in the earliest of times, was meant to ensure that women would get pregnant and bloodlines would be, um, cleaner than they were so as to lessen prenatal deaths and, um, genetic anomalies due to inbreeding and, supposedly, there would be no question about who the baby daddy was, not that it worked all that well then or now. The marriage vows are still considered to be highly sacred and are to be inviolate so if she's given up on sex or is physically unable to have sex any longer, what's a husband to do?

Nothing. Take out some stock in Cottonelle or Kleenex, get a supply of those comfortable toilet seat covers, and several cases of lube and that's all the sex you're allowed to have unless you're a devout Catholic and running up against the Church's "no contraceptive" rule which, last I heard, prohibits masturbation. Doesn't say it's a sin but it's easily implied. It's funny that back in the Victorian Age of Sex, men and women could marry and it wasn't unusual for a husband to have a mistress since, in those times, a wife's job was to still get knocked up and sex was just for reproductive purposes - and if hubby was "allowed" to have a side piece, some wife invented "What's good for the goose is good for the gander..." but we got away from this early version of "negotiated infidelity."

Enough of the history lesson. In 2025, there are more men interested in having sex with men than ever before and I suspect that the Internet is responsible for making all of these men visible when, pre-Internet, there was no such visibility for bisexual men - gay men were always visible. Those of us in the know, however, know that even from childhood, boys being boys was a real thing and we knew and learned that if girls didn't want to do it, almost everyone had that one friend who handed out blowjobs like a free lunch and some were even willing to get bent over and fucked. But the rules said that if you did this pre-adult, you had to stop doing it and turn all of your sexual attention and energies toward women and women who, over the decades, have gotten even funnier about giving up the coochie and defending their legal right not to.

For as long as I've been aware, husbands/boyfriends who got stripped of their access to the pussy have "gone behind her back" to indulge in sex with men, either for the first time in their life or they have, as I say, returned to the party. Is it worth risking irreparable harm to one's marriage? A lot of men think so since, for them, the lack of sex is unhealthy, causes physical and emotional stresses that we're not equipped to deal with thanks to all of that "men don't do" bullshit that I heard in the 1950s. You would think that if she really loved you, she would understand why he needs to keep having sex, preferably with her but if not...

If you had to choose between your marriage and your continued survival, which thing has to be done? Some men would swear that they would die before they hurt their wife like this and some men say, "Fuck that because if I don't do something, I'm going to die before she does!" There's a reason why they still say, "What she doesn't know can't hurt her..." even though I've had reason to disagree with this (that's just me) but it's been "proven" by a lot of men that they can get deep into having sex with other men and she remains clueless or, like you said, she really doesn't give a fuck as long as he's doing the shit he's supposed to be doing as her husband... except beating that pussy up and like she liked him doing when they first met.

The facts of the matter are that not all married bisexual men are that fortunate and unless some seriously major changes are made to our morality and social contracts, the DL is alive and well for those men who have to go there.

 

KD23:

EXCELLENT response; easily worthy of "editorial" status!

Again, not only decades of personal experiences, but also, a mature, highly-educated outlook on situations such as this speak many, many volumes indeed.

Again, EXCELLENT post, my friend!

A bisexual married man still "closeted" easily can find his marriage more complex than he previously imagined, especially when he finds himself with going to the "DL" as often as is possible, or simply jacking to m/m porn, all the while trying to stay off his wife's "radar"........

 

More complex? Sure, when you consider the logistics involved to be as discreet as possible. If the wife isn't keen about porn, sure - watching any kind of porn as an aid to masturbation might not go over well but since a guy is more likely to keep doing it anyway, it can make the marriage more complex. Staying off of her radar is part of the logistics involved. If the husband is known to be out and about and has male friends he normally hangs out with, the logistics involved are simpler; if "Rick" is hanging out with "Larry" watching college football - and like they normally do - perhaps she has no reason to think about anything, oh, like the blowjobs that are sure to happen during halftime.

It gets complex and complicated if the husband is a homebody - he just goes to work and that's about it - and he doesn't have any male friends, associates, or acquaintances that he'd be known to hang out with. It could get even more complex with him having to explain to her that he's going to see a friend that she knows nothing about... and a friend that she hasn't vetted and approved for him to have and... things get messy and complicated to the point and extent that a guy wanting to hit the DL for cock is going to have a difficult time with his logistics and being able to stay off of her radar.

All of this is the kind of stuff that has to be thought about when planning to hit the DL for some cock action. The men already busy keeping their wives in the dark have figured out how to do it...

 

KD23:

VERY valid points all, to be sure.

Indeed, as you've clearly pointed out, such a "hot button" issue CAN indeed become FAR more complex to the bi husband, even more than he had previously thought.

No "outside" options?

Leery of online "hookups", afraid that the wife MIGHT just find out?

No close male buddies or co-workers?

Yeah, I can easily see this rapidly turning into one of those classic "stuck between a rock and a hard place" situations, for certain.................

 

It's always been that situation. Nothing we've done has really changed it. I'm not sure what you mean by "outside options" but if you're leery of on-line hookups, have no close buddies or co-workers you're "fond" of, then the rock and a hard place gets to be a harder place and more so if the soon-to-be-sneaky husband is holding out for his ideal FWB.

If you're keeping her in the dark, the rock and hard place... are still there but you're doing what you have to do while doing your level best to keep her clueless... which is possible but, eh, not always likely because it wouldn't take much for her to (a) think that you're cheating and (b) rule out you cheating with a woman and (c) well, that only leaves one other possibility and... say it ain't so! He wouldn't go there... would he? Maybe she asks; maybe she remains silent.

I can feel the pressure of being between that rock and a hard place... and I don't have to keep my lady in the dark.

 

"Complexity" is but "simplicity" on steroids, with a VERY AGGRESSIVE nature.

If only dealing with bigotry, destructive stigmas, and festering homophobia, "complexity", in all of its varied forms, will always be ready to attack the unsuspecting...........

 

"Very aggressive nature?" There's nothing all that aggressive about trying to put your wife "in the dark," making it to the DL, and getting to play with some guy's cock. The only way those three things you mentioned come into play in this situation is if you're married to her and that's the way she turns out to be. Otherwise, any of those things cropping up can be ignored since it's not very damned likely that anyone else is going to know or even suspect that you go both ways... unless you tell them and you find out that you told the wrong person. And if you're unsuspecting, maybe you shouldn't do this.

Once you decide to do this, there's no fucking around and making this harder on yourself than it already is doesn't make any sense.

 

KS23:

Forgive me, I was only speaking in "generalalities" when I made that comment.

I guess what it all boils down to, is that it all depends on the "tolerance" level of the wife....meaning, MIGHT she be OK with her man having sex with other men, OR, maybe going totally apeshit and possibly pulling a (God forbid) "Lorena".........I guess it all depends on the wife........and the marriage itself.........

 

That's just it. For the man trying to figure out how to do any of this, the one thing that's the most difficult to figure out is what would she say or do if she found out that he's sleeping with a man. I think a lot of it has to do with the exact reasons or circumstances as to why they're not having sex; the 'hangup' here is that I've known guys to hit the DL with guys just because she won't suck him off or he's tired of begging to be sucked. I have known guys to hit the DL to have sex with other guys simply because she won't have sex with him when he wants to.

The "classic" menopause situation is just that - classic and while gynecologists say that post-menopausal women can still have sex, for so many women, it's the perfect moment in their life to close the legs and never open them again which, of course, is one of the main reasons husbands hit the DL either for pussy or, yup, dicks. It's just not the only reason or circumstance that will get a guy on the path of playing with a dick and figuring out how he's going to do it and, yeah, the logistics are a motherfucker and, as mentioned, the one variable that really can't be accounted for or predicted is if she finds out, what will she say or do?

That's usually the first indication that you don't know your wife as well as you think you do. Making this more of a 'problem' is that women can change their mind in the blink of an eye so if you have it in your head that your wife is going to go all ape-shit crazy on you because you were discovered sucking your friend's dick, maybe she wouldn't. Or she would. Fuck! Even guys who have had this conversation with her in the past and has heard what she had to say about it - and it's usually along the lines of, "You'd better not!" will plan around this bit of information but if she said this way back in 2007, shit, she could have changed her mind because she has to know that the less sex she has with you, the more of a potential problem this is going to be in the relationship and if she doesn't know, someone wake her up and quickly.

Guys thinking about going there and wondering how to keep the wife and other people from finding out and are reading this? Do not despair even though this particular thing only scratches the surface of a more complex line of thinking: Who, what, where, when, why, and how are the things that you have to be able to put into play; it will eventually come down to motive, means, and opportunity and I have found - and as a lot of guys have - that if one of those three things are missing, guess what you won't be doing? Usually, the stumbling block here is... opportunity, followed by means which involved W5H previously mentioned and motive, in this, usually takes care of itself and it can be any reason you can think of so you can find out what so many of us already knows: Getting some dick is damned good.

 

KD23:

Once again, an excellent, thorough, and VERY insightful post.

I guess what it all boils down to, in the end, is that there are NO TWO SCENARIOS that are EXACTLY alike, in regards to married bisexual men and their spouses.

And, you and I BOTH know, that there are MORE than a FEW bi married men, who, after seeing what the wife is REALLY all about, regretting now the day that they tied the knot........

 

I don't know of too many men who haven't felt some regret about marrying their wife and for some reason or another. The thing that we shouldn't really lose sight of is that this whole leaving the wife in the dark thing isn't totally and completely a woman's fault for not wanting to have sex: It's our society's fault for continuing to not allow or give any recourse to and for married couples who, for whatever reason, aren't having sex when sex is still very much needed.

If a man chooses to put his wife in the dark like this, he accepts the consequences of his actions should she happen to find out. That's just the way it is. "High risk" and "high reward."

 

Makes sense to me, for sure.

There isn't ONE aspect of life where most of us haven't any regrets, regarding missed chances, wrong decisions, and so on.

Believe me, I have many, but, after awhile, you learn to "put it all to rest", and concentrate, instead, on tomorrow, and the day after..............

 

Tomorrow's another day and one that could bring yet another regret.

 

KD23:

Truer words have never been spoken, my friend, and I speak for all of us....

 

KD23:

I want to ask you this question.......

If a new aquaintance (who was a bi male) told you he was serious about his girlfriend, and planned to propose to her, what "man-to-man" advice would give him, regarding his sexuality and what do do, regarding his intended?

In any event, I am sure your advice would be very sound, mature, and level-headed........

 

I'd ask him if she knows that he's bi; if she doesn't, I'd ask him if he's planning to tell her before they marry since, afterward, lawyers get involved. I'd ask him if he was going to give up getting cock so he could be a model husband to her and if he could go without having sex with a guy for decades, if necessary. I would "advise" him not to cheat on her with anyone. I'd tell him the same thing my mother told me: "Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you can make it..." which is the wisest piece of wisdom I've ever heard. If his sexuality should come up in a conversation, do not lie to her. Telling her the truth could be a problem but lying to her is an even bigger offense.

And if he finds that he can't ignore the call of cock and he must answer, I advise him to not get caught or outed. Unless, of course, he has one of those special women that every bi guy wishes he could meet and marry. I'd let him know that if he thought the rabbit hole was deep when he discovered his bisexuality, it's even deeper being married and, yes, I'd tell him before he gets to find out that the worst thing in the world is to be bisexual and married. After all of this, he's gonna have to find out for himself and assuming that he's a grown man. I'd also tell him to forget all that porn shit about threesomes and trying to get her involved in something that she might not find agreeable... and might get him divorced.