For bi men whose wife is still "in the dark".......

KD23:

Agreed; it can all get quite complicated......as well as painful (emotionally AND, perhaps PHYSICALLY), depending on the reaction of the "in the dark" wife.

I am also now recalling another old saying:

"No pain, no gain."

Seems oddly appropriate, somehow, regarding this "hot-button" issue............

 

It is dishonest. 100%. But you hit the nail on the head, I don’t resent her for not providing sex as long as I’m getting it someplace else. It’s the best solution I can come up with. I don’t want a divorce! It might be hard to imagine that I love her, but I do. We have been married 45 years, a dozen grandkids. My family dynamic is important to me. She knew of a friend I used to go on bike rides with. There is no reason she needs to know we were also sucking each other’s dicks.

 

Not going to catch me disagreeing with you! I've known a lot of guys who've asked their wife, "What am I supposed to do if you're not going to have sex with me?" and the wife gives some version of, "Nothing. You're not supposed to do anything." Puts a guy in the position of either accepting forced celibacy or yeah, bike rides in the woods.

 

Fellows:

I am now hearing another old saying in my head:

".....DESPERATE situations require DESPERATE measures......"

'nuff said!

 

Putting your wife in the dark isn't what I'd call a desperate measure although some guys might see it like that. You have choices when it becomes clear that sex is the last thing your wife wants to be bothered with.

• Accept being made celibate (not counting masturbation)
• Settle for masturbation as your only form of sexual release/relief
• Divorce her
• Suppress your need for sex
• Ask her for permission to have sex with other people
• Cheat on her anyway if you don't get that permission

The question becomes at what point does a man in this situation become desperate enough to start considering what his options could be and more so when the sex he feels... better about is doing it with another guy? So much time playing the "what if" game with himself as he weighs the pros and cons of any or all choices he can think of. Guys can box themselves into a corner because, on the one hand, the only way they're going to get laid is if they cheat on her and getting permission is deemed to be out of the question but, on the other hand, he doesn't want to cheat on her, doesn't want to divorce her.

How do you sneak something like this past someone who knows you like your woman does? She knows your daily habits; she knows your friends if you even have them. Very likely knows your bank account better than you do and is watching the money with a frugal eye.

And some guys just say, "Fuck it..." to themselves and go right to cheating and letting the die fall as it may. If it's something that they really want to do, they will find a way to do it and if the wife doesn't know, then she doesn't know.

 

KD23:

Without a doubt, one of your BEST responses thus far! (Double-A plus!)

Too often, many forget how POWERFUL a man's sex drive can be; it cannot be as simple as saying, "No, I'm NOT cheating on my wife, I'll just have to do without getting off with other guys."

Hell, even I know that when a man (married or single) is HORNY enough, fuck, he HAS to get the RELEASE not only CRAVES but NEEDS!

Sex and lust are two VERY FORMIDABLE powers.......and, when it comes right down to a man GETTING the sex he NEEDS (and CRAVES), well, I need not elaborate further........

 

Many actually do not forget how powerful the male sex can be; they would prefer that it not be so powerful, that we - men - aren't slaves to the hormone storm that slams into us at puberty and, for many, doesn't end until we're dead; it's why generation after generation of women continue to insist that sex in a relationship isn't and shouldn't be all that important.

Is that all we think about? You bet your ass it is! And we have so many sexual outlets thanks to human ingenuity. There are only so many ways to put A, B, C, and D but, you betcha, it sure the fuck can be fun and satisfying to try all of those ways.

Now, can it be that simple to say this? Yes. Is it simple to actually not cheat on your wife? It can be but for many, if you don't cheat, you won't be getting any dick to play with. Plain and simple. Trying to get permission to get some dick... is not impossible but wholly improbable because relationships - married and unmarried - have to comply with the rules of monogamy and heteronormativity. No exceptions or deviations allowed but, ah, um, yeah, there are exceptions and deviations because... needs always must.

 

KD23:

You have to wonder about those married guys who actually ASKED PERMISSION from their wives, to get some dick/ass when the urges for m/m sex is far too strong to ignore........and just how many broken relationships/screaming matches were the only result?

There must be thousands of instances of this scenario actually taking place.......and all living hell breaking loose............

 

Just interjecting a bit of "levity", here, in this otherwise serious topic.........

I think SOUND advice for ANY married bisexual married male, is the following.....

IF you should ever decide to finally "come out' to your wife about your "getting it on" with other guys, DO NOT......repeat, DO NOT do so when she is "on the rag"!

Indeed, EVEN MORE dire consequences may follow.....(!!)

All kidding aside, NEVER uderestimate your "gut feeling", nor dismiss common sense..........

 

What I wonder is how many of those guys got their asses turned into shredded wheat, wound up sleeping somewhere else in the home, got served with divorce papers (and after he thought that things had settled down). Do you really want to know who your wife is? Ask her for permission to go out and have sex with men because (a) you've always been bisexual but hid it from her when you met and then married, (b) "all of a sudden," they got this urge to suck cock and the longer they tried to ignore it, the stronger it got and it's now to the point that if they don't do it at least once, they're going to be driven crazy or (c) she's not having sex with him anymore, he doesn't want to cheat on her with another woman, jerking off is no longer taking the edge of and... sex with a guy is less of a threat to the relationship.

I hope they're wearing fireproof Kevlar and Dragon Skin body armor when the wrath of Woman rains down on him, taking something that's sorely affecting him and making it all about her and all aboard the pity party train to Locoville. I've sat with guys as "moral support" when they went to ask her for permission and... the things their wives have said has shocked even me but at least in one such situation, I told the guy, "If I were you, I wouldn't do this; you should just keep doing it on the side like you been doing." He thought he knew her; he thought that she'd understand; he thought that she loved/cared for him that much.

He was wrong. Every single day, a man has girded his loins and has decided to sit down with his wife to talk to her about his need for cock and to ask her permission to pursue this need and they learn that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is no joke and a real-deal consequence of asking her a question you thought you could ask... and now you know that you shouldn't have. I have stood and listened to husbands blatantly lie to their wives about fooling around with someone - and especially if the someone was me - and the lie was flawless. This one guy was torn because he didn't like hiding this from her, didn't like lying to her, was too addicted to sucking cock to be able to just walk away from it - and he wanted to come clean.

He did. Found out that she already knew and found out that she was cheating on him since she found out that he was sucking cock. Their marriage didn't survive it.

Hell breaking loose would be a good thing by comparison. If you have her in the dark, keep her there for as long as you can...

 

KD23:

I've also heard the expression "a bitch on 18 wheels"; it would seem, then, that this would aptly describe the "thwarted wife" who discovered her husband was also into cock.

Though, of course, a lifelong bachelor, even I know that there MORE than a few men who are indeed dominated and cowed by their wives.

When I worked at a major financial institution for nearly 25 years, trust me, I saw a whole olther side to these ruthless, gung-ho, out-for-blood stockbrokers and other higher-ups.

They'd cut an "underling" down to minute shreds with their abusive, caustic demeanor.

BUT, I have seen a number of these guys talking to wifey over the phones reserved for their private use.

To say many of these men were obviously "milquetoasts" and QUITE subdued with their wives made it easy to see who REALLY "wore the pants" in their respective families.

Regardless, a bi married guy who is even THINKING about "coming out" to his wife would do well to consider the fact that MAYBE he does NOT know her as well as he previously thought.

Proceed with caution, fellows, and do so with extreme vigilance......

 

Facing her about this isn't about the guy being dominated or subdued although I've heard of such situations. If' you've ever heard any of the coming out to the wife horror stories, you will have a damned good idea of how much of a very bad idea this can be, including your girl, Lorena's infamous surgery without a medical license. You try to "predict" how she might react if she were to find out that every time you go hang out with "Hank," the two of you have been sucking and fucking each other silly... and for years. You have "an idea" that if she were to find out, it might be bad... or maybe not.

It'll drive a man crazy trying to predict how she's going to react. Maybe she's been outspoken against homosexuality or maybe she doesn't have an opinion or, sheesh, maybe she's pro-homosexuals and hates the bullshit they have to go through to be treated like the American citizen they've always been and none of this stuff can be a real indicator of what she's going to say if she finds out - or you tell her - that you and Hank have been getting each other off for years. Or you and Hank have been talking about giving each other a bro-job since, you know, it's a guy thing and it's just sex but as you're doing your planning around how you're going to be able to do this without your wife suspecting that there's some funny business going on and because you cannot begin to guess how she might react, you... decide not to go for it. It's not worth finding out if the horror stories are telling the truth, you don't want to hurt her (even though she's hurting you by cutting you off from affection and intimacy), you don't want to throw away all that you've built together, what would the kids say and think, yada, yada.

Or you shrug, say fuck it, and go over to Hank's place and find out what it's like to give a guy a blowjob and to acquire the taste of cum as well as finding out if it's true that guys give the best blowjobs. If she finds out, she just finds out and whatever happens after that just happens, but you have determined and decided that you had to do something because you didn't want to find out how bad "or else" was going to be.

 

From what I've been reading (and learning) here, it would appear that the WIFE is often the "controlling factor"; if a married bi male "comes clean" with his wife, any of the following scenarios mat follow:

1:
Wife might say. "as long as you keep a roof over our heads and pay the bills, I'm OK with you having sex with other men,"

2:

Wife could go TOTALLY apeshit and assault him viciously, both physically AND verbally.

3:

Wife could threaten him with divorce, IF he continues habing sex with other men.

4:

Wife COULD tell him she wants a divorce, right then and there.

5:

Wife could hold him as a "sexual hostage" and REFUSE him ANY sex until he swears off men for good.

Outside of the first scenario I mentioned here, it's all pretty fucking ugly. no matter how you try to slice it...........

 

Sure, any of those things could happen. "Controlling factor," methinks, is a poor phrase to use in this situation; that would presume that she's pussy-whipped him into utter submission and now he sounds like Oliver asking if he can have more. No, this is more like confronting a force of nature over a subject that is morally forbidden and violates marriage vows, and many women take this as a personal insult to them and no matter how hard you try to explain to them that this has nothing to do with them, well, they're not trying to hear anything that sounds remotely logical.

She could, in turn, cheat on you and purely out of spite...

 

KD23:

You've brought up a VERY valid point:

".....she could, in turn, cheat on you and purely out of spite......"

A scenario like this could easily stoke the raging fires of marital discontent even further........"

 

It could... but it could also set the stage for... mutual permissions. You just don't know what's going to happen. The "problem" here is that everyone tends to focus on what could go horribly wrong and that completely overshadows the fact that, um, no, it doesn't always go into the shitter. Some wives choose just to look the other way; maybe they say that they know, or they don't say a thing. Marital don't ask, don't tell. Permission can be bargained for - how much is it worth to you to get it and what are you willing to give for this permission?

Maybe the wife whose sex drive is now permanently stuck in Park tells him to do what he has to do and that she understands his needs must be met. Maybe she thinks that it's better than he does things with another guy rather than another woman? The point is that if she were to step back into the light of things, it's not always a bad thing.

It just usually is.

 

Cannot help but wonder now, about a bi married guy getting thrown out of his by his freaking out wife, and end up "sharing digs" with one of his non-married FWBs.

Could their "relationship" be taken to still a higher level?

Might he just start putting all his attention into cock and male tail, and just put pussy behind him?

In such situations, of course, it all goes by the individual......there must be thousands of interesting stories, I'm sure........

 

I've never heard of it happening, but I suppose it could happen. Why would you assume his FWB is unmarried when married men tend to seek out other married men? If one guy gets outed, the guy he was having sex with could get outed as well so what are the chances or odds that they could wind up sharing digs with an FWB, married or otherwise?

Would he leave pussy for just a steady diet of cock? Some guys would (I would never do that) but I feel that most bi guys wouldn't turn their back on pussy but, ahem, if they're with a guy now that he's been kicked to the curb, monogamy rules kick in again and right along with the no-cheating rules.

Out of the frying pan. Kinda begs the question of why you would get out of one monogamous relationship because of cheating and get into another monogamous relationship that could be subjected to cheating, wouldn't you think?

 

Also to consider:

Supposing the married bi guy has also been "in the closet" with his "blood kin", and non-FWBs, and, when the wife discovers her husband's true sexuality, threatens to "out him" to all involved?

THAT could be a true bloodbath, too freaklim' scary to even contemplate.....