first draft

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by paix, Jan 10, 2005.

  1. paix

    paix Senior Member

    this is just a ruff first draft, I'll be editing for years to come, but I needed some therapy, comments and critiques are appreciated :)
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    My love for you speaks like a prophet with a broken tounge
    It knows not what to say, only the inflections that flow over the words
    Like the tip of my tounge over my lips every time I think of your eyes, and my soul bleeds and cries

    My love for you is pain and hunger, it is beauty
    and all the things I have never been able to speak
    It’s the words on the tip of my tounge when I wake
    and the taste in my mouth when I loose my train of thought in the middle of the afternoon, when the light is hazy, soft and yellow, and I can’t think straight for 10 minutes after

    My love for you is scared, alone and the only thing that makes no sense in my life, but the only thing I want to explore.
    My love for you is the end of a sentence that is cut off before it’s spoken and then forgotten.
    It is punctuated with a laugh, soft, low and sweet,
    And a tear that does not taste salty

    It bleeds me and I ache for days
    The weight on my chest and brief memory of your fingers
    It digs me a hole so deep, and I don’t want to climb out.
     
  2. kidder

    kidder Member

    'It’s the words on the tip of my tounge when I wake
    and the taste in my mouth when I loose my train of thought in the middle of the afternoon, when the light is hazy, soft and yellow, and I can’t think straight for 10 minutes after'
    I like that passage. It's tactile and visceral.
    But why is love always imprisoning? Why is it such a bully? Maybe, when all is said and done, love is what we spend our lives trying to be free of.
     
  3. paix

    paix Senior Member

    thank you, I prefer writing that's tactile, I'm glad that got across with mine.

    I think for me that the whole unrequited love thing is what keeps me sane, I have no idea why, gotta break that habit, lol.

    Love is amazing, but it's bound to drive you crazy whether you're in it or without it.
     

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