firendship, love and judgement

ok well i finally told my might-have-been how i felt, and it did not go well. he's leaving for school in a few months, far away. but the reason why he rejected me hurt even worse than the news of his leaving. i've felt incredibly hurt about this all week, actually, and now i question whether we truly had a friendship.

i talked to him i told him my experiences, good and bad, and i thought that he was listening to me as a friend. he was judging me. furthermore, when i told him of the rough times - yeah, i've failed in marriage, i've been on welfare in the past, and some of my family relationships leave much to be desired...well, that's all he saw. someone to pretend to listen to and feel sorry for so that he could feel all noble. he wanted to see me as a victim. he wouldn't even see my strengths. he wouldn't even see what i carried myself through, what i'm carrying myself through now. he wasn't even seeing me.

and this is the worst part: he does not, cannot, will not see me as a whole person. i have children, therefore i am one-third of a unit. i am my children. we have no separate friendship, no separate relationship. he feels a woman cannot be separated in his perception from her children. not that he has a problem with children - he actually wants them, but either his own, or else adopted with no remaining trace of birth parents. he wants a blank page he can paint on, his way, with no pre-existing, outside influences. in other words, i am damaged goods.

my children are separate, whole and unique people. as am i. should i find another relationship, then any relationship between my man and each of my kids is going to have to be it's own relationship, and form its own way over time. the presumptions my friend was making about my kids and his imagined responsibility and relationship with them were insulting, both to me and my kids.

it is disillusioning. i thought i had so many important things in common with this guy. but it still hurts - especially the judgement, because i hate being judged. it leaves me feeling that i am somehow flawed by my experience, that proving myself through childbirth and motherhood instead leaves me somehow stained in his eyes, that surviving the challenges has screwed me up rather than making me stronger. it makes me feel like damaged goods. and that really hurts.

 

Hey Kitty... i feel your pain... looking at it from a slightly more objectional view, i'd advise you to walk away. You'll find a better guy. Someone who will appreciate you for what you are and not what they want you to be. Hope things work out for you, genuinely...

 

kitty, i'm sure you realise now that you need someone else, but this is why it hurts, you believed him to be someone he turned out not to be. i'm not too sure of the situation, but you need someone who doesn't judge you, someone who accepts you for who you are, and loves you, not to mention someone who loves your kids. there are people out there who do, and will when you meet them. don't lose hope. try to carry on, the pain will go away in time, try to keep as happy as you can, and talk to close friends on how you feel

 

Damaged goods? That is so silly. I mean your a human being, what does he want some virginal teenager? I don't want kids , but I think motherhood is a beautiful thing. Once you have kids you're still a woman! I's not like you should become just a mom, and lose yourself in the process. As far as challenges you overcame, that's something you should be commended for. Good for you, girly. It's a shame your "friend" turned out to be so judgemental and selfish.

 

God this guy makes me sick. Sorry to rant but this is the typical male-oriented driven situation that makes me so mad at all guys. They should try being the one who has to look after the kids after one of their sex ran out on us in the first place!!! Seriously. F*** Him. If he can't see you for the wonderful woman and mother that you are, he's not worth your time.

Now where's my Uzi submachine gun?

 

I'm sorry Kitty has been hurt by this guy.

But do you really need to turn this into the ugliest example of sexism and prejudice? Why would you be mad at "all guys" because of what one did? If I get mugged by a black guy, should I get mad at "all black guys"? I've had MY heart broken by women in the past -- should I blame "all women"?

Maybe when you grow up past the point of implying that you'd SHOOT someone for not meeting your behavioral expectations, you will be able to see your post for the hypocrisy that it is. You'd bitch up a storm if some guy lambasted "all women" for being shallow and insensitive. What? You thought GUYS had a lock on that kind of behavior?! Give me a break!

Blue skies,
-Jeffrey

 

Don't look at yourself through his eyes. He doesn't sound like a great person to me. It's fine if he doesn't want to see someone w/children, that's his choice but he shouldn't pretend to be supportive if he isn't. Hopefully you'll find someone who will appreciate the fact that you've survived several obstacles and admire your strength. It does hurt when you've been mislead. Good luck and try to get through this too!

 

Typical rationalization. Lots of people get mugged by lots of people from any race. How does this compare to this situation where the roles of gender are almost set in stone. A lot of men view women with children as no go areas. The reverse is almost never ever true. It is THIS kind of lock on behaviour that needs to be changed. However with this bullsh*t rationalization it's no wonder it never will be.

As for the gun, have you ever heard of a sarcastic joke?

 

you even said it there, not all men are like this.

do you really believe that a man cannot love a woman with children?

i don't know what has happened to you, i can only guess you have had bad experiences, but blaming the male population will not solve your problems

 

i agree that the guy sounds like a total jerk, but i don't agree on it being a typical male oriented driven situation

in both sexes there are bad people, you can't summarise/categorise all males in one category and all females in another