Finally in Love Again but Somehow Still in Pain

Okay, here it is: I will soon turn fifty and nine months ago fell absolutely head over heels in love for only the second time in my life. But the woman is only 29... perhaps going on 40 herself, but also going on 14. And I am losing my mind.

I am not a bad guy at all, curious, well-read, still growing into an artist's life, have been loved by funny, sexy, nice women who appreciate my humor, ambition, and excitement for life, and in better than "good" shape. I never asked for this age difference, have found it surprisingly easy to ignore the age difference from my side as I love everything from new music to digital design.

Allison is amazing --- incredibly intelligent, pretty, sexy, and every guy's dream in bed. Yes, she is also incredibly patient, educated and mature (just the fact of our relationship is testament to that)... but also has that occasional spoiled little-girl thing happen.

I NEVER asked the Universe for such an age difference... yet -- to me, and I believe her as well, the age difference only matters when we go out the front door, as we live in a college town, and even though some of her best friends have older husbands, etc. it is having a negative affect as she tries to balance her need for young female friendships with our relationship.

Thus, our "problem" is the problem: I just want this to go on as long as it can... but her desires, our reality, and society's influences seem to slap down every single molecule of optimism, confidence, and positive action I can take to stay with this incredible woman. I never feel that great of an age difference, but it doesn't help that she actually LOOKS even younger than she is. Allison wants me happy and "not too serious"... but our relationship, which is so great when its just the two of us, seems to deteriorate every time we walk out that door.

She's super ambitious; I provide her with emotional support and encouragement; teach here about art and life; try to give her as much space and freedom as she desires, but I just flat love her like crazy -- unlike anyone I've known since I was 22.

Young friends tell me she's smart, is far too young for marriage, and has not decided what she wants; older friends tell me she is still immature at 29, wants freedom, and doesn't know what she wants.

And of course, she has an unlimited and open future and could live anywhere in the world she wants. And her independence, lack of trust in people, and lack of candor about her own life also suggest she could just as well move on without me.

I do of course have strong and focused career plans... but at this age, my age, you start to ask what is REALLY important when you finally find someone you really love.

I know she loves me and I love her, but also know that she is keeping her options open. Soon our time here will end and we can either go separate ways unless she sees a future for us both. I've been incredibly trusting and open with her about this, but ultimately -- no matter how much I "take charge", its her call.

I have had a couple of other male friends who had also went though incredibly painful relationships with much-younger women, only to come out on top with partnerships, marriages, and/or even children, all of which Allison has stated she wants... but is not at all sure I am young enough to look forward to with her. As I said, I've always been an optimistic person, but the odds, and hints -- in both directions --- from her are driving me crazy, and she does not want to discuss the future which is obviously not a good sign.

As I've said, I've been incredibly fortunate all of my life... received more than my share of love and support, but this is the first time ever that I have ever really been unable to maintain what I want most --- a likelihood of a continued relationship with a woman that I love deep in my heart.

Thanks for listening and your thoughts.

 

So basically a dozen paragraphs full of wonderful little cliches to help you stay in denial and not have to face that you've hooked a suitcase full of unresolved daddy issues

 

Let's be practical. It's a 20 year age difference. That's a lot of years if you are considering children. First, you need to consider your age and your future children's ages. If you have a child soon, you will be close to seventy when they are graduating high school. Think of the child's perspective. Will you have the energy to take care of a child? Will you change diapers?

Another thing to consider is that you might not be able to have a healthy child. (The older we are, the more damage is done to your body, the higher the chances of having a child with a birth defect. This is true for men and women.) You need to decide how you are going to act/react now and discuss the possibility of those issues.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a large age difference per se, but you need to be aware of the consequences of your actions. Hubby and I are almost 7 years apart. In my early thirties I miscarried. Thankfully we had two children prior to the miscarriage. I couldn't imagine having to endure multiple miscarriages.

At 29, she should be out of the spoiled brat stage. That is certainly a concern.

 

Stop worrying about the age difference so much. Stop worrying what other people think, and just enjoy the relationship. If it ends then it ends and it probably wasn't the best situation for you.

How long have you been dating though? You claim you're in love and I can't really tell if you are or not, I'm not exactly sure what you're feeling, I'm not in your shoes. But, are you sure you're not just in lust and excited over the idea and in love with the idea of being with someone younger and attractive that makes you feel younger as well? You almost make it sound like you think she's better than you just because she's younger, and that she will leave you eventually. Give yourself more credit than that. If you don't want to deal with the issues that arise from the age difference, then this is probably not a good relationship for you.

But like I said, just enjoy it...

 

I think whatever is written in the stars sometimes is meant to be.....and if things don't work out, then they weren't meant to be...Maybe you are analyzing it too much......so sabataging things yourself...????

 

Try the rule of three.

If you question something 3 times then you know you shouldn't be doing it.

 

I thought about this thread a bit. It seemed a bit odd or off or something. I am not quite sure what....but forget 3 times, I have to agree with Ari here that if you even have to ask people's opinions once....about your love and hers, something is not right.....I am a romantic by nature and still maintain, when you know you know.