My girlfriend has basically no sex drive. We last had sex about 2 months ago and about a month before that, then another month before that. Meanwhile my sex drive is stupidly high. I understand why hers is low. She has about 3 different medications that have probably all lowered it. She also has depression and anxiety issues and is stressed from teafher training. So I understand why she has no sex drive, but it's been going on for ages and in the least selfish way possible, it's really difficult for me. To me sex is a very important part of a relationship but it's just not to her. Any advice?
Do NOT get involved in a sexless relationship. It’s not everything, but it is a huge part of a healthy marriage. It is intimate communication between partners. Has she always been this way? When you were a new couple (assuming you were sexually active), was there more going on? Has she told you anything about previous relationships? You love her and you want to marry her, but there has to be something she can do. Don’t call off the wedding yet, but seriously, seek professional help. You risk a lifetime of disappointment. You have needs and if she can’t meet even half, you’ll always want more. Good luck. I really hope you can figure something out, and I hope any other advice you get here is sound. You want to marry her, so I assume you want to be with her and her alone. So don’t listen to the open relationship/fluid marriage crowd. That’s my opinion.
Thanks for the answer. Earlier in our relationship of 6 years (we're both 22 right now) there was a time when she had a higher sex drive when we were teenagers then once the puppy love stage was over her sex drive came in waves of about a week at a time when she had a higher sex drive then a week or two when she didn't. In last year or so it's just plummeted. I know about all her past relationships that's nothing to do with it. Another thing I forgot to mention was just over a year ago she chose to get an unplanned pregnancy aborted. That obviously had a huge psychological impact and I'm sure that is a big part of the reason she now doesn't want to. Like I said in the original post, I know there is legitimate and understandable reasons she has a lower sex drive. I just don't know how to deal with it. She knows and apologises that we never have sex but nothing happens about it.
In my 52 years, I have seen three relationships similar to what you were describing. None of them ended up well. She can apologize all she wants, but that does not bring a missing piece into your relationship. If you can live with that, God bless you. Knowing what I know about my relationship, there is absolutely no way I could continue Juan. A lot of that is hindsight. Knowing what could have been. Or in your case, foresight, hoping what might happen. Your worst case scenario is you’re cut off completely. Then comes the depression, the fights, the break up. Your best case scenario although highly unlikely is that everything goes perfectly well. Odds are things will continue as they are now and most likely worsen over time. Can you live with that? I know I couldn’t. Not dedicating my life to someone like that. Like I said, sex is an intimate way of communication. Communication must be 50-50, give and take. If someone’s not willing to communicate with you, that somebody who’s not willing to be with you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Then again, I am not a clinical psychologist or sex therapist. I may be completely wrong. I doubt it.
Have to agree that is not where you want to start in a relationship, I have been married 27 years and my wife and i were in perfect sync for around 20 then menopause hit and her desire waned but she still understands my needs and we have found a balance that works. If she has no sex drive now then the road ahead is pretty rough because age and kids takes its toll on a woman's sex drive so you will be on forums complaining about how bleak it is. My brother was in a sexless marriage and he ended up divorced with two kids from another woman. She was eager but nuts so they eventually ended up married but that did not end well either because he was too starved for intimacy to see her many flaws. Twelve years on his own and he finally met his sole mate where everything clicks but it was a miserable road to navigate. Best of luck but give real thought to the next step
I agree with the other comments, my second marriage that I'm in now started off with a hiss and a roar. Multiple times a day for a year and a half.... thought I was in heaven however now its once a month if I'm lucky, wife has similar issues as your girlfriend and also due to being 53 she is at the stage of menopause which has really taken its toll. I'm understanding but in a marriage second time around and feel no where to go from here. She finds its sore afterwards and just doesn't feel up to it now so I try and understand however I really do have needs and I don't want to have to go and have an affair. She offers BJ's but it's just not the same. So like the others you really need to think hard about this. I'm not saying it's all about the sex but to be honest as time goes on and you just don't get it you then crave more for the satisfaction. Love to hear what the ladies have to say so at least we maybe able to understand some more.
Thanks for the reply, I too would love to hear from some ladies. I understand what all of you have said. I just couldn't imagine leaving her. We're planning our wedding and starting our lives together. Leaving out of the blue for what seems such a trivial reason, it just doesn't make sense. I want to talk seriously to her about it. But she's super stressed and stuff and not in a good frame of mind at the minute so I don't want to add to it
I understand but in all honesty talking is truly the best thing to do, I guess that's why we are still together but it's just so frustrating I want it so much. I just hope it will return.... sigh!
I know the feeling. We're only young too, both 22 my sex drive is through the roof. I wouldn't dream of cheating with another woman. But I've been really curious for a while what it's like with a guy, so it's getting harder and harder not to go and experiment with a guy. It feels less like cheating because I don't 'like' men so it would just be sex. But I know it's still cheating. It's getting difficult
Get out while you can. This indicates a lack of compatibilty which exists at more than one level. Right now you see the primary barrier the clearest but others are there just not encountered as of yet.
Not much I can add to YouCanTrustMe... he is absolutely correct. I was in a sexless marriage for far too long, I stayed to raise my kids then I got out. It is dehumanizing.
If sex is that important to you, you'll eventually cheat. You don't plan to...but you will bc she's not giving you the attention you know you need! Let her know that you're feeling that way....you don't want to think of fucking other women but if she's not willing than eventually down the line its gonna happen.
After 10 years of marriage, 2 kids, and some tribulations, my wife has no sex drive. I have heard all the reasons from her. I have not once treated her differently, though I have swallowed the self-doubt, felt my own confidence crash, and still provide the love and security she needs. It has been nearly one year since the last time we had sex, her drunk and "horny" but so drunk she threw up. After a week of her teasing me and being flirty, crotch grabbing I was ready for some physical lustful fun. We had one kid out for the week at the grandparents, the other fell asleep early and was in his bed. My wife was in the kitchen, and playful, I kissed her and rubbed her but. She moved my hands off and giggled, turning around. I hugged her from behind and let my hands cup her breasts. She stopped me and said no. I stepped back, she was serious. I calmly said it has been nearly a year, and she just spent the entire last week, and all of that day being sexual. Her reply killed my need, urge, and frankly care for her. She said, "so what." I said I need sex, she said she doesn't and she is fine that way. Do not think it will get better. We had a great sex life for the first couple of years and then it stopped. It never got better. We talked. She knows. She does not care. Once you are married, it is too late. Once you have kids, it is not as simple as leaving. There is more to sex than just getting off. I can not fuck her if she is not into it. It breaks something and I hate it. My wife was 32 when it started going south. It has been 6 years and the time between gets longer, and her comfort with it stronger. Good luck. Sexual bonding is a powerful force, do not think otherwise. Mr. T
If you have kids, you got to stay till they dont need you.. you cant leave the kids and destroy their lives because Daddy isnt getting any! If your not even married and your not getting any.. it's not going go change.. 22? Get out of there, she wants a career not sex! How many times you guys done little things to make your hormonal wife feel good? No, I dont mean the flowers and stuff.. run her a bath and leave her there, you cook! Even if it's a takeaway.. looked after the kids while she has time out? Sugest to go to the drs with her, because you want to help her feel good about HERSELF! And look into this hormone replacement therapy stuff... Women and men are different about sex.. once you stop trying, we dont respond. We dont have a dangly bit that keeps getting aroused.. your the breader, its nature.. not ours. So come on,, buy her a bath bomb, a tube of lube.. give her time, then a massage.. who knows...
Morrow, That is what I meant when I mentioned children. Once they are in the picture, you can not just split. Children are the priority, and that is something you must consider. OP is not married. Do not misread my words. Also, I have noticed a trend in these kinds of threads that negates one side or the other's viewpoint. You bring up the themes that are often overlooked in many cases and work both ways such as hormones, perhaps even emotional or relationship issues that lurk below. But also assumptions like your others are made, that men do not do their utmost to remedy the situation with the abilities at hand such as taking over domestic chores and applying a basic set of human standards to their partners such as understanding and appreciation. In many cases these days the roles are also reversed with more women pulling full-time jobs and men staying home as fathers. No, at some point, for either party, this may all fail. And this is generally when people turn to the internet and forums as posters and no longer lurkers. The dangly bit you mention can also be a burden, as stress builds and eventually psychologically it becomes impaired. Once you stop responding, despite our tries, we quit trying. This works both ways. Sometimes you end up with a credit card payment and a closet full of lotion, toys, and intimates only be left with a disinterested partner who is just fine in the absence of sex. If there is going to be an issue in the physical intimacy portion of the relationship, for either party, this will cause future issues. I am not sure a bath bomb will reduce the problem for the OP, as stated, there are deeper issues. These are issues that accompany and pre-date any intimacy issues, but create the complete package of what one will be getting into should marriage be on the table. In my case, Even after level headed discussion, the ball is in her court. You see, to her, there is no issue. So I am resentful that it is MY problem, not hers. I just acknowledge that these are realities, and the OP deserves to know that sometimes a bath bomb and takeout aren't going to solve anything. And I most definitely do not believe that one should remove all thoughts and future expectations of sex simply because the other partner is unwilling when that is now part of the potential future. There are two people to consider. A history of medication for emotional issues is a place to start. Anxiety and depression further still. These are areas of her personal health and also, potential reasons (not excuses) for low libido. Reasons do not require an apology. Now that OP has had input from others, there are options. It is up to OP to decide how to go forward. Now low libido or non-existent is one thing. That combined with (or due to) anxiety and depression will become coupled with relationship and trust. Maybe a bath bomb for both. If the relationship is new, it brings both potentially good and bad. Good in that they can work on her mental health together, perhaps creating a positive and balanced environment in which to further mental health, reducing the need for medication, allowing hormonal balance and improved libido and self-confidence. Bad, in that the OP becomes part of the partners' negative mental health reinforcement, but placing OP in a state of obligation for something that he is not truly obligated to, locking OP in guilt as the main concern would seem to be, surface, "shallow" sexual urges. I agree with ordering takeout. "Sugest to go to the drs with her, because you want to help her feel good about HERSELF! And look into this hormone replacement therapy stuff..." is an interesting idea. Perhaps more so, allowing yourself to be involved, at her discretion, with the mental aspects. HRT while on medication for depression and anxiety may not happen. Also realize, your emotional reaction to the lack of sex, or rejection is also tied to hormonal reactions as well, especially in the moment. Mr. T
Yeah I agree with the general consensus... Something isnt right, address it with her if you cant talk it out then get out, you only live once man.
Even some that are good at the beginning will end up doing it just to comply. And that even sucks more than having to jerk off every morning in the bathroom floor while watching Pornhub.Remember once the bull is behind the gate, it is done...
