I really like having sex just like any other girl, but even as a 21 year old I have a lot of residual shame towards having any sort of sexual thoughts towards men, which makes it practically impossible for me to get involved in sexual situations. I don't know how to get over it. I have no idea how to initiate sex, or flirt or show interest in someone. I'm terrified to leave the "friend zone", even though I know it's like probably as easy as literally just asking these certain people if they wanna have sex. I pretty much have to be already having sex before I can actually be aroused, and even then, it's really hard for me to get into it. I've pretty much got to be drunk in order to really be into it. I even have kind of a boyfriend like person, but I can't really get all the way into that. I don't understand. We're really good friends and really like each other and stuff and when we have sex its fun and intense and stuff but ugh I can't initiate sex at all. I just wait till he wants to, which is at least every few days and often daily, but if I want to have sex I cant figure out how to do anything about it. I'll just sit there and stew in this sexual desire that I can't express and it makes me feel weird and irritable, and when I look at him and interact with him my brain just blocks it all off so that I can continue on like I have no sex drive at all. Even though it's all still just stewing in there and making me agitated. But lately I don't really even feel any sexual desire anymore. I know it's hiding back in my mind somewhere, but I've spent so much time ignoring it that I don't know where it even is anymore. I've forgotten how to be horny. But then when I do have sex, if I'm drunk enough/stuff gets kinky enough it just all kinda explodes out in this weird confusing and really strong sexual arousal, and that's admittedly really fun and all, but hell, I want to be able to look at people and be comfortable thinking hey, that person is attractive, especially when that person is supposed to be my boyfriend Is there a way to get over this?
Hm... yea I'm sure there's a way to get over it. I used to be like that with the feeling weird being the one initiating.. I'm not sure why for me. But trying to think of what has helped me and I think it was basically just two things- the first one probably being the most important. And that is just repetition. The more times I would be the one to initiate the more comfortable I would get with it. The other thing is that I have flat out told someone, after feeling like that for a while, that I hate being the one to initiate. And just talking about it made it easier for me after that.
Was sex discussed much in your household when you were growing up? Was it talked about in a negative light?
Yeah I dunno, my parents never really talked about sex with me, just sorta expressed their fear of me being a pregnant teen, so I never had sex or thought about it till I was like 19 edit: had straight sex for the first time like 8 months ago
A lot of the time kids pick up attitudes about sex even without words. I never heard my parents have sex and I never heard them mention more than a few sentences about it ever. I got over a lot of repression and guilty feelings about sex from girls I went out with a few times that had no sexual inhibitions whstsoever. I think I still carry some inhibitions myself, but I gotten over most a little at a time. You might want to read more from people with different viewpoints about sex. Try challenging your beliefs and attitudes about sex by asking if your judgements toward sex are valid.
Lol, well you are 21, so multiply that stewing 10x, them multiply that by 20 years, and thus by 41 you'll be a total nutcase
Hip Forums is a great place to help you challenge any of your beliefs, biases, viewpoints, etc. There is a lot of good advice about sex and sexuality here...and some very funny troll posts too.
Here's a troll post. Get real drunk and spread em wide and tell him to git on there, it's initiated and you did it, yeeehaw! Ok for real, seriously, I was shy about it at first too, my hubby was the initiator and he was good at it. He was the one that helped me open up to it. He didn't push things just hinted them and tried some things slow. After a while I couldn't wait for the next time. If your man knows what he is doing it will be fine. If not then it might take a bit. It is awesome and when you find that point of wanting it you probably won't go back to where you are now. Mind you some women don't find that, I hope you do. Some women find sex just sex but those who seek what makes them horny most or are introduced to those options will get as much out of it as their man will and that's how it should be. I saw in a thread today where one woman said she didn't really discover good sex till she was around 40 years old. That is sad, it should come more natural to us and we should be free in the mind to just go for it. It's the taboo part that we shouldn't till we are married that still plagues us I think and then some. Honestly, if you can't, try getting a bit drunk with the one you trust a few times, I hate to say but it might open doors you are finding hard to open if he isn't the kind to open them with you as an initiator. Just a few drinks to loosen the mood and let you go with it. But make sure you trust him first and he won't do shit you don't want happening. I hope you get there because if I stayed like I was at first I woulda missed out on a hell of a lot of mind blowing events. One thing for sure is you are likely gonna always have a man by your side. You can give him sex all he wants and even try at times to hold back, Makes for a crappy relationship, or you can find your likes and get the most out of sex and maybe more then him, haha. You gotta get past the ikk part you have set in your brain about sex, and that's not unusual, to have the ikk idea, great sex gets most past this problem, the taboo thoughts.
if you give him a big hug and don't let go, he'll probably get the idea or offer him a massage therapy might help you with the shame feelings hope this all works out!
