I used to be a really nice person, I was a good kid growing but there always been an edginess to me, I guess a dark side. As I grew up, looking back id say to a certain point I was still a pretty good person, but I feel like as the older I got the greater my dark side grew. I cant pinpoint the exact moment I started feeding into that dark side of me, making certain decisions that maybe a good person wouldn’t, kind of my own version of “breaking bad”, and long story short I guess eventually as the years went on I just became a different person. I broke bad a long time ago and now I guess ive been feeling like ive been turning into a better person, kinda like opposite of how I was when I was a kid with a generally shitty person going through bouts of having a good side. To be honest these days I really feel like my dark days are behind me, im not that guy anymore, when I sit and think about it, I actually feel like ive become a really great person and 10000X more mature than I used to be. I make the right decisions, im wise beyond my years, im a good friend and I good things. Don’t get me wrong though, I still feel like im far away from being a the great person I think I could be. But heres the problem, theres a part of me that feels sick at who I am now. Like It feels almost wrong, way I grew up you had to be tough, and I suppose that’s why that other side took over. Sometimes I feel like the way im now is just a front, a mask im showing the world and that dark side is still me, just more suppressed and it might manifest itself one day in the worst form. Sometimes I feel like ive become weak, that strength is through power of brawn and not brain. Ive become so cold and jaden about life love friends and the world around me that it actualy feels weird and wrong to actually have feelings and happiness. I also fee week, and I miss that strength I had. I don’t know, just wanted to rant and see if anyone has any words of wisdom for me.
Sounds like you had to survive and you did. The way I grew up did that too, so I developed this tough exterior but I'm still a good person with a good heart. Yours is in there too. You wouldn't be thinking about it if it wasn't.
This might not be a good place for you, for all we know you might turn into the next bbad or deviate. Run now while you still can!
well, you are what you do, in my book. you might feel like a total piece of shit, but you do good things then you're a good person. all this stuff about feeling like you're really a bad person underneath and the good person thing is just a mask is wrong, IMO. "Good" and "bad" aren't really states of identity. we call someone a "good person" because of acts that they perform in the service of others, it doesn't matter if they feel somehow intellectually dishonest about it. being good is something that you do, not something that you are, necessarily.
Might just be hormones or something.... Hang in there, we all go thru multiple changes as the years pass....
The more you continue to be nice, the easier it gets to be nice. Changes the patterns and then it becomes a new pattern.
