Feel Empty After Using A Sex Toy With My Girlfriend

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here and I feel like I am really desperate for some help. My mind has just been making me feel terrible and I can't get over it.

My girlfriend and I are 26 and we have been dating for 3 years. We have sex, oral, or finger about once a week. We can only see each other on the weekend because of work and we don't yet live together. She never used a sex toy and neither did I. She orgasms every time I see her (after sex I go down on her) and she probably has 3x as many orgasms as I do. I just love to give her oral and love to finger her and hold her.

I got her a vibrator for christmas, one that is just used for the clit. I was excited up until the point where I actually bought it. Right after I bought the toy, I felt like were going to be losing part of the intimacy of our sex. I felt a huge knot in my stomach and then couldn't sleep thinking about it.

I gave it to her for christmas and tried to keep a positive attitude. I let her know my concerns and she was really supportive, which is amazing! I warmed her up with some fingering and then we used the vibrator. We didn't really know how to use it, but it didn't matter and she finished from it in decent time.

I felt terrible watching her orgasm and just seeing her be pleasured without being able to use my tongue or fingers like normal. It felt like I did all the foreplay then watched someone else finish her. She insisted that my oral was better than the vibrator and that she felt intimate using it with me, but I just felt empty inside. I felt like we didn't do anything sexual that weekend. I felt like if we kept using the vibrator and learned how to really use it that my oral wouldn't be the same to her and she would always want the vibrator.

It's nice that she wants me to use the vibrator on her, but for some reason this eats away at me. I feel like using it isn't intimate on my end and that's the main reason I love any sex with her is because of the intimacy and connection I feel with her, the pleasure comes second.

I've told her all this and she is so supportive and said that she doesn't want to use the vibrator if I feel that way or that we could just use it for foreplay or something. But then I feel like I am letting her down because she was so excited about the idea of me using a vibrator on her. And I feel terrible because I don't think it's fair for me to keep something like a vibrator from her, but I just can't help how I am feeling.

Basically, If I use the vibrator on her, I feel like there is no intimacy, I feel she's going to lose interest in me using my finger/tongue or at least be wishing I was using the vibrator when I was giving her oral. I feel like I am watching my girlfriend get pleasured by someone else and just thinking about her orgasm with the vibrator when we used it makes me upset because I felt like there was no connection between us. Then I also feel stupid and selfish for feeling this way, but I can't help it.

If we don't use the vibrator then I feel selfish for keeping an experience away from her. I feel like I am letting her down. I hate that too.

I don't know if its because we do something sexual once a week and I just want it to be intimate since it's our only chance to have sex or if It is just something I can't get over.

If anyone has any advice on overcoming this situation I would really appreciate it. She's been amazingly supportive, which is great, but I feel like it's my issue to overcome and would like some help.

Sorry if the post is confusing, this topics been really messin' with my mind. We never had any problems with orgasms or sex until this point...and it's not really a problem but something that just bothers me.

 

I can see why you would feel like that. I have a vibrator and we haven't really used it much during sex, I think I got use to using it alone when he wasn't here and now when I try it with him here, I feel awkward.
Can you use it on her while your licking her pussy, or while you finger her, or all three or do you just feel like you don't want it around at all?
You could tell her that you would rather her use it when your not around? I think most women probably use it when alone anyways.
I wouldn't worry that she won't want you. Vibes are great but I also crave the cock and a rubber dildo is not even remotely the same.
My arm gets tired pushing it in and out and it's not the same feel etc.
Vibes are no replacement for a mans tongue either, I mean they feel amazing but they are both so different and I just love a wet tongue licking me.
One last thing about vibrators. I have noticed that when I use mine too much, it desensitizes my clit a little bit and then when my BF eats me, it seems to take longer for me to cum. I'm not sure if that happens to all girls but it happens to me, so that is the downside.

 

I just found an article that I think is very true. It has to do with vibrators and when women use them a lot.
He states that when women become use to getting off so quickly with a vibrator that when it's time for real oral sex, we become impatient because we are use to getting off quickly. I would say this is true and this is why I rarely use mine anymore.
When I took a break from my vibe and just used my fingers, my orgasms were better and the sex was also better.

http://www.davidwygant.com/women/blog/turn-him-on/why-vibrator-dependent-women-are-the-worst-in-bed/

 

Thanks for the responses and not just ripping on me for feeling this way haha.

She's not interested in using the vibrator alone, she just wants me to use it on her.

I think part of me is a bit worried that if we start using a vibrator that she's not going to get as good orgasms from oral. It's in my head that I'll be going down on her and she will be thinking, "I wish he would use the vibrator on me." and my oral isn't going to make her orgasms like she used to.

Oral is our main form of sex, we do have sex, but we both love oral and make that core of our sex life. So my fear is that if the vibrator starts to come into play too much in our sex together then she will lose her sex drive with me since she may get used to the vibrator and that the oral experience will get worse.

I'm not sure if this is playing a factor too, but we only have sex/oral once a week. We don't see each other until the weekend and for me, If we only have sex/oral once a week then I want to do something that is intimate between us. Maybe if we had sex/oral 3-4 times a week I would be okay using a vibrator, but the other fears are still there.

I just don't want to start using it, find out that it hurts our sex life and lowers the quality of our intimate sex - like oral, and then either have to stop using it or just deal with it. She says she more wants to use the vibrator because it's kinky, but we've only used it once so far and I felt terrible after using it.

She's been amazingly supportive through all this, but that sometimes makes it a bit tougher because I see both sides of the argument and never want to hold her back from experiencing anything! But at the same time it just bothers me so much using it at this point.

Not sure what answers I'm looking for but the feedback you two gave did help, so thank you!

 

Well I kind of agree with you about the vibrator but it may be ok because your only using it once a week. However, if she uses it alone everyday and again with you, then I do think it could affect her orgasms. Women do become dependant on them and then have a hard time cumming without them.
What if you buy a dildo and use that in her pussy as you lick her? Then there is no vibration but it's still kinky, if that's what she's craving...

 

Don't worry about it, some years back in our fourties I brought home a dildo sort of as a joke but wondered what her reaction would be.
I was a bit surprised when all she said was " wow, that's big." So I asked if she wanted to give it a try, it was 10 am and the kids were in school. She just said " okay" and she started getting naked. She looked at a bit while I fingered her and just said " you may be sorry" and I asked why and she just said several reasons. One was " it's a lot bigger than you, it will take sometime before it gets back to normal size, I'm 40." I started to go down on her as I always had before sex and she was very wet pretty quick. I took the tool and rubbed it up and down her pussy for a minute then slowly inserted the head, she reacted with a deep breath and a little ohhhh. I did this about five or six times and she seemed to like it better each time. I then pushed about four inches in and it was quite a sight to see her sort of easily take it. After about 10-20 strokes I pushed another two inches in and her hips began to rise and fall as her hand went to her mouth as she covered her moans. Then she had a very big orgasm, once she started coming her right hand went down on my hand holding the tool. She pushed it a little deeper in, she had about seven inches in her as her orgasm continued. Her left leg was shaking at height and she was louder than I had ever heard. She came for a good minute. Her face was so red and she seemed to have just run a sprint. She made me leave it in her a while before withdrawing which was normal but as the fat head pulled past the last two inches as it came out she shuddered very hard. I'd never seen her come that hard or fast with me. She was a bit embarrassed but in a couple of days she asked me to do it again. For a couple of years it was a monthly event.
I enjoyed seeing her have so much pleasure but it seemed to discipate with continued use and we stopped using it so I threw it away worried the kids might find it. A year or so later as we were in foreplay she asked if I still had it, she was pretty disappointed.

 

One thing I wasn't comfortable with when my wife and I started expanding our sex life was masturbation. She use to ask about it all the time saying that she understood that guys do it all the time.
Then one night she asked that I pull out and come on her, it became a regular thing since the first time I did it she had already come. As I jerked off on to her pussy she started playing with her clit. It took me longer to come than since I was a little insecure about what I was doing. As I started getting close it seemed to stimulate her and as I was coming on her hand and pussy she got off. It was very erotic. We started getting naked sometimes and just masturebated in front of each other.
Later I found that when she had sex in her teens the guy would always pull out and jerk off at the end to try and prevent pregnancy. Seems she really liked watching them. Wonder if other girls ever experienced this fetish.

 

Come back and re read this thread in 20 years and you'll see where you stuffed up

You said "connection" with your girlfriend about 3 or 4 times...when talking about fingering your girlfriend.

Do you think any of the girls actually believe you are talking about an emotional connection, or do you think they think you are really talking about horny and excited?

Also, she and others like her may also use the term "emotional connection" but she just needs a big piece of rubber/plastic to get off harder than she can with you.

Which do you think is more likely, that if you communicate your insecurities about the vibrator with her, she is more likely to stop altogether. ...or simply hide that from you for the rest of the time you are together?