Father-son Relations.

what I said was that the verbal abuse of a child is also abuse. It can have devastating effects on a child.

I never said "it is wrong to ever verbally abuse someone"

I think that RA verbally abused the op, so I gave RA back what he gave

nothing hypocritical about that

 

everone makes mistakes too, Id say try to get along with your dad, and dont hate him cause you werent raised exactly how you wanted to be or thought you should be. atleast you know whats up


I love my dad !

 

Difference of opinion I guess. ROLLING's post (as many of his do) seemed to be tough love, had some advice attached. Yours was telling someone to ram something up their ass.

Tomato, tomahto I guess.

 

I'll try this one last time before I decide you are just clueless..

If you are comparing what a child who gets physically abused by a stranger, to one who is emotionally abused by their parent, I can understand why you might think that...

However, when you are talking about PHYSICAL abuse from a parent, there is NOTHING more EMOTIONALLY DAMAGING to a child... period. Make all the noise you wish about how terrible it is to be talked down to, or yelled at, or to be made to be felt worthless.... I agree it is terrible... and IT IS AUTOMATICALLY INCLUDED when physical abuse comes from a parent.

It's like you are picturing my childhood was perfect except that I got physically abused... You don't seem to grasp that you can be emotionally abused and verbally abused without physical abuse... but you CAN'T be physically abused by your parent without at LEAST emotional abuse being included, in a far worse manner then 'daddy didn't talk to me or teach me how to throw a ball', which by the way, also applies to my childhood...

Actually you keep doing so, you are just trying to do it in a manner that doesn't make you confront the issue head on.

 

I love father and son porn I dunno why I just do

 

decide what you'd like

I am well aware that physical abuse also implies emotional injury

some children have been driven insane or driven to suicide by verbal abuse alone

I guess it might be like chinese water torture. A drop of water on your forehead might not be a bad thing. Enough might drive you insane.

I would agree though that physical abuse can take abuse to a much more extreme level that can be produced by verbal abuse alone.

It sounds like you got a pretty extreme level

 

yep... clueless...

 

I can understand that you are acting irrationally, but you are nonetheless acting irrationally. There is nothing wrong with my reading comprehension skills, as you implied in your negative rep. I never imagined your childhood as perfect or free from emotional abuse.

I think you're imagining that I've said things that I haven't. Go back and read the posts.

 

No imagination involved.

 

I've always assumed that everyone's daddy was an alcoholic and that every son had father issues. My dad was an angry drunk who used to punch my dog in the face and throw me across the room. I've since accepted that as part of growing up. Now that he's old, and I've gained a few pounds, he can't do that anymore. It's the circle of life man!

 

Jeez, alot of hatred in this thread. I'm sorry if I caused any unwanted emotions regarding one's father to come out in a lot of people.
I'm sorry if anyone was abused.. and I can understand completely why you'd be so angry about it., Also that you may be envious that my father wasn't abusive in that sense.

It's hard to relate to people can't see and touch online, you know?


I just kinda feel like, fathers and sons should have love in their relationship...
And I don't care if that's seen as wrong by some people.. I've pretty much made it one of my big goals in my life to raise a son with love and compassion.

I will take some advice from this thread and make peace with myself and with my father.
I hope you all can do the same. I don't want to hold hatred in my heart any longer!

I love you all :afro:

 

Bless you good sir.

 

:sad:I wish my dad was still alive to love, hate, fight with, debate with , go to ball games with, drink with, to curse at, and to thank - for doing the best he could trying to undrerstand a very radical son- who at times made him proud and at times made him want to hide his head in the sand
Im grateful for the peace we made at the end:sunny:

live is too short
JJack

Not judging anyones emotionS here- -just my own persosal feelingS- -carrying around hatred is counterproductive (IMO)

 

A lot of people seem to be under the impression that people should forgive or at least move on, from being upset that someone may have abused them...

Here's the lesson I think everyone should learn in our society.

If you hurt children, you will not be forgiven or EVER 'accepted' as a part of normal society.

This idea that victems should move on and get past their anger and love their abusers... just shows you how out of touch with reality some people really are.

So there is no confusion or mis-understandings about this...

There is NO forgiveness in me for anyone who abuses children or animals, and zero tolerance for those who think such people should be allowed to 'live as they choose'.

I think anyone who even for a second, can think badly of a victim for their hatred towards their abuser while preaching forgiveness, is fucked in the head and I truly wonder what it is in their past that they hope they will be forgiven for when it becomes public.

As for those who bitch and whine about their father (or other parent) not loving them enough because they didn't teach them how to throw a ball, or they were trapped in their own hell (that they did NOT pass onto their kid) and didn't have time for them... they are being petty, short sighted and extremely insensitive to those who were treated the same way PLUS had the actual physical abuse that is ALWAYS accompanied by emotional abuse.

To me, that someone would accuse me of jealousy over them not being abused, shows just how fucked in the head some people can really be.

 

Everyone has different ways of dealing with things. I think people should feel what they feel, but maybe the idea of getting past the anger is not meant to be about loving the abuser, but being ok with yourself. I don't see how it's healthy to carry anger and hatred within you, but I also have my own issues feeling (not feeling) anger.

My experience of abuse is not with my father, so maybe that would be a completely different feeling. I was sexually abused as a child by my grandfather and I don't think I ever felt hatred or anger. I didn't realize it until years later because I was so young. Initially I felt guilty and then just uncomfortable. I never told anyone, sometimes I wish I had, but don't see the point anymore.

The only time I felt anger was when I found out the same happened to older sister, but much worse since my parents actually lived at my grandparents house for a couple years. I felt angry because it never occurred to me that could've been the reason why she is so insane. I only felt angry towards my mom because there's the possibility that my sister told her (I don't know at what point) and her rection was "don't say anything", this would very well explain the tumultuos relationship they had. To me that's even worse than the abuse itself, but this could also be another of my sister's lies. I didn't find out about this through her, but her ex-girlfriend told me. Everything else she told her was pretty much a lie, from what country we grew up in, to the names of our family members etc. I think eventually I'll bring myself to talk to my mom, but sometimes I think I don't want to know.

 

OP:

I don't think you owe him anything. Maybe he tried, and he could have been much WORSE, yes, maybe what he did isn't quite abuse, but he sounds utterly lazy and childish.

Which likely isn't his fault. He probably wanted to be your bud because he didn't know how to be your father, and tried to do the next best thing. Or because he had a truly abusive father and would have preferred a bud.

But you don't owe him anything. However, if you've got your own life under control, you might owe it to yourself.

If you've properly forgiven him, let him know how he fucked up, but THAT you've forgiven him, and THAT you're okay.

If you do care about what he feels, you should let him know that you're okay, at least. I EXPECT he knows he fucked up, and I expect he always knew this while he was fucking up. He probably doesn't feel great about it, even if he can dull that with more alcohol.

 

It is exactly as healthy to carry around anger and hatred as it is happiness and love.

If my hatred was towards all fathers, or all men, or some such generalized group, because of what one individual did, then it would indeed be a bad thing.

My hatred and anger are directed exactly where I want them to be, and exactly where I think they should be, towards those who abuse those less able then themselves, human or otherwise with a special package of hatred especially for those who abuse their own children.

As for my father, I couldn't give a fuck about him... The choices he made, were I would assume things he either thought were right, had no control over or whatever other reasons someone may suggest... and I just really don't give a fuck... What he did (to be clear, my father's abuse was purely physical violence, nothing sexual that was others...) was 100% wrong if he requires my forgiveness for something, then he is fucked...

As for forgiveness for myself... lol Perhaps you haven't noticed, but love for me is not in short supply... lol

 

I havent seen mine in, coming up to 20 years now. And thats pretty much all my fault, I was a total little shit when I was a teen. He didnt handle having a son like me very well.

I wont go into detail, same old same old, but after all the shit we went through.......then I got to 30, sat down with my Uncle and we had a deep and meaningful at some family BBQ, he told me that my dad (who grew up in a big family) was always seen as the dumb one, teased all the time when he was little by siblings and all the other kids.

So it wasnt till then that it clicked, he was angry / frustrated at the world long before he met my mum, long before he decided to have a family. So basically none of the shit really in the end had much to do with us

I'd agree with this sentiment.

Having perfect role model parents in the long run isnt actually a good thing, it teachers the kids to be too dependant on others. If you are forced for whatever reason to be more independant when younger, its better for you later on in life.

How many times you heard the story of the rich successful business man who started off on struggle street, had to look after the family as a teen. How many of those Supermum types were the middle kid that basically was the one parenting the younger ones.

The 'importance of family' mantra is part of that holier than thou crap that comes from those that have to say it anyway cos it does take up their whole life and they dont know any different anyway.

So your father wasnt all that you wished for, oh boo hoo, get over it, and you do better then he did.............only for your kids to end up too dependant and submissive, destined to get fucked over by everyone when they hit the real world...then get bitter and angry and turn into your father.

Its a viscous cycle

 

Yes, it would probably signify a problem if you hated all of your own sex, tom

At least I hate the OPPOSITE sex.... not much better, but... meh...

 

I feel like if my father had a problem with me it be his problem. I could care less and if he were to dare treat me in a less then favorable manner he wouldn't see me again and ide be fine with it. I love him and all but no one is so important to me that ide let them make me feel bad or unhappy