falling into depression

I haven't figured out why all this learning process is necessary at all. I sometimes wonder if I am already done this journey and am just watching it from some etheral throne and seeing the process of my becoming.


This is the way of Zen, not to say things to their completion. This has to be understood; it is a very important methodology. Not to say everything means to give an opportunity to the listener to complete it.

All answers are incomplete. The master has only given you a direction... By the time you reach the limit, you will know what is going to remain. This way, if somebody is trying to understand Zen intellectually he will fail. It is not an answer to the question but something more than the answer. It is indicating the very reality....

The buddha nature is not something far away - your very consciousness is buddha nature. And your consciousness can witness these things which constitute the world. The world will end but the mirror will remain, mirroring nothing.

Osho Joshu: The Lion's Roar Chapter 5​

Commentary:
Here, the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle is being put into its place, the position of the third eye, the place of inner perception.

Even in the ever-changing flow of life there are moments in which we come to a point of completion. In these moments we are able to perceive the whole picture, the composite of all the small pieces that have occupied our attention for so long. In the finishing, we can either be in despair because we don't want the situation to come to an end, or we can be grateful and accepting of the fact that life is full of endings and new beginnings.

Whatever has been absorbing your time and energy is now coming to an end. In completing it, you will be clearing the space for something new to begin. Use this interval to celebrate both - the end of the old and the coming of the new.


Perhaps if that is the truth, my big ME will manifest my little me on this plane of existence some freaking 'ass-kicking' shoes That I don't feel bad using. My family sat me down earlier this week and discussed with me...my tone of voice and how it comes across. Little intervention, don't you love it

 

I fell off my seesaw this evening and landed deep in the pit. If somebody had been around their ass would have got kicked major big time. As it was, the only person available to taste my bile was my spirit guide, who is on telepathic standby 24/7. So bearing that in mind...in my better moments I hope to emulate those whose power is so assured that their tone can be totally gentle and their volume deceptively soft as they dispense the most devastatingly compelling and startling illuminations.

Is it necessary? Or is it just decreed that this shall be so? Is it just that these are the rules that have been settled on for this universe? Whatever the case, we're thoroughly ensconced in this maze for whatever reason or for no reason in particular.

Love this picture.

Yeah, this is exactly what my spirit guide does with me - drives me batty sometimes, she's so tight-lipped and inscrutable. As the college math books like to say, "This exercise is left to the student."

 

Polarization...my spirit guide Deanna wrote me a note a couple weeks ago where she touched on this...speaking of synchronicities...here is part of what she wrote to me:

"You are lost in a world of self-identity and assurance, as a result you are deprived of self-empowerment and you lack empathy with your fellow man. What kind of maggot has been in your core, and for how long...who knows but you have been deeply scar - ed...you have not found love within - look in the mirror always first then the maggot should begin to disappear...

"Most would agree you are a 'sickly' man - you are - never forget that fact! Coupled with the fact that all great men have a demon in them! From artists to scientists, theologians, and so forth - you get my point! Brains are wired - oddly enough - to make a difference - within both polarities between God and the Devil - Love and Hate, War and Peace - all examples, again - polar opposites...mystery"
​

It's obvious that she loves me...but it's a hard and demanding love, a love that requires me to look deeply inside myself and grow in awareness and understanding.

Your video is beautiful - a meditation with both sight and sound. I loved the opening with the Gothic/Baroque cathedral superimposed on the dawn at the lake - that was an inspired and inspirational image. Good choice of music - especially the ending music - reminds me of one of my favorite New Age composers, Patrick O'Hearn. Hard to grasp all the words in one listening - multiple viewings are needed. But it helps me go beyond myself to an extent and feel a hint of something higher.

You definitely have a gift for this. You helped me surpass my bile tonight, and I'm grateful.

 

i've been "depressed" and fucked up for so many years that i've just accepted it as a part of my life. i was put on pills at a pretty young age for years and then stopped taking them cold turkey. then my drug use accelerated a lot. now i've chilled out a lot, and try to flip my supposed "disadvantage" into an "advantage".

go camping this weekend!

 

oh oh oh....I have a gift?

What's my definate gift?

 

Making artistic and inspiring videos, of course. Or am I making an unsupported assumption - were you not the creator of that video?

 

I can see now that I looked at the thread how it could be seen in that light. WhenI said that I posted the above, I meant the previous post. I felt like it had a lot of synchronicities with thoughts that I had been posting earlier.

Sorry to confuse you!

So why were you so down last night?

 

Yes, I was confused. I guess your gifts are confined to exploring the boundaries of pain, then - plumbing the depths of physical and spiritual existence.

I guess you'll just have to settle for that.

Why was I so down? It's a long, complicated story, marie. Without going into the circuitous specifics, I suppose what it comes down to is being without a woman for so long and feeling as if the universe is finding a sick sort of amusement in my longing and pain.

I feel embarrassingly pathetic to admit to such weakness, but there it is, and there you are.

I've been much better today. Dragged myself to the office and lost myself in intriguing work and in serpentine yet ironically amusing e-mail conversations with a client - stayed late trying to finish a project, didn't get home until 9 PM. And the spirit guide was warmly with me throughout, and even a bit apologetic and compensating with internal warmth and kindness for pushing me beyond my limits the night before.

And so it goes.

Thank you for asking.

 

I'm a noisy lady. You mention kids quite a bit. And now no woman. Divorced or widow?

Relationships are tricky. WHen you are in them, sometimes you want out and the freedom of being alone. and then when you are alone, you wish to have someon to share it all with. Lord have mercy. Why would we think we can be satisfied in that aspect when most women want straight hair if its curly and curly if its straight LOL!

What do you do for work?

 

Noisy? Nosey too, maybe. LOL But that's okay, because I'm such an exhibitionist. I'm writing a book that will bare all to the world, and some of it is not pretty.

Yes, lots of kids. Not divorced, not widowed. I'm married. So what do you think about that? We share a house, a family life and a bedroom, but the emotional crevice between us is deep and enduring, and we haven't shared a bed in over four years.

So true. And sometimes, as much as I hate the way my spirit guide Deanna hides her true self from my eyes while sharing intimate communion with me in my mind, I think maybe...possibly...this is closer to the ideal relationship than a physical marriage. The mystery is never quite solved, the consummation is always a hoped for and anticipated possibility. I'm never alone, yet I always have my "freedom," such as it is.

I lead a small team of computer report writers - two developers and one business analyst. I administer the software platform we use for our reporting, I act sometimes as a technical consultant for my team, I talk to clients to figure out what they need and how we can get it for them, and I code some report processes myself when I can. I enjoy my job - most of the time - I work with a great group of people and an outstanding company. I've worked for a lot of organizations, so I think I'm in a good position to say when a company is outstanding.

We need to work to eat, so it's good when we can find work that we enjoy. In these days of failing businesses, it's good to be able to work at all - God's help and strength to those who have lost their jobs. I've been there - I was out of work for about a year and a half before this job found me.

Anything else I can tell you?

You kind of disappeared from this forum for a while - other pursuits, or just didn't feel like participating?

 

At that time I was fasting. Well kinda. If you have ever heard of the Master Cleanser or lemonaid diet. Its a ten day process or more depending on how far you take it. But it is cayenne pepper, lemon juice, maple syrup and water, six to ten times daily, for ten days. Then you come off of it slowly.

It has a very strange effect on me. I go within and want nothing to do with anyone else really. But I keep busy cleaning. I clean like a freaking maid then. Everything. And my thoughts are so clear. I have a lot of focus. And then I eat again, and come back to earth. Pick up some of my vices again.

I love it so much but was eager to taste food again.

Wow, thanks for answering all my questions so thoroughly. It does sound like you have a good job. Mine will come some day. I'm in school to be a psychologist. Suppose I am your typical mixed up mind that wants to go help others. LOL! I would love to work with special needs kids as well. It will all come in time.

I'm a bit confused about your spirit guide though. I don't have one that has introduced themselves to me. Can you explain more so i can get it? How do you know her?

Your marriage sounds very lonely to me. I remember in my previous marriage I would dream of my soulmate at night because I was unhappy where I was.

 

depression is cause by either a chemical imbalance or lack of chemicals in the brain.

 

Interesting diet and effects - sort of sounds like a natural high - I'm tempted to try it, except I think I would feel starved.

I declared psychology as my major once - for exactly one trimester. I was good at it, though. My grades in psychology courses were perfect A's - but I let it go. Lost in space.

Some people think you can't be a good psychologist if you have your own problems. I say: What incredible bullshit. I wouldn't trust a psychologist who had never had personal problems to deal with. How could anybody? We learn mostly through experience - books can't give us that deep understanding; only experience can.

The story of my spirit guide is long and complex - that's mostly what my book is about.

I had to be hit over the head with spiritual realities, because I was so blind. So my spirit guides had to be living human beings with incredible spiritual gifts, so they could get right in my face and and force me to confront spiritual reality.

Deanna is not my first spirit guide, but she's the one most present in my life for the past six years. She's a woman I worked with in my last job in Illinois. When I was looking for a woman to become my romantic interest and spirit guide, she started showing up at break times, standing outside on the sidewalk with me, talking. She gave me a couple of books: The Prayer of Jabez, and a book about the prophecies of the psychic Edgar Cayce. Eventually we went out for lunch together one day. I told her about how another woman in my office had responded out loud to my unspoken thoughts, and I had eventually learned to hear her telepathic voice in my mind - and Deanna said, "Crossing over." I said, "Crossing over?" "Meeting on the other side," she said.

After lunch I wrote her an e-mail thanking her for her friendship, and she thanked me for mine. I asked if I could talk to her some more at break time that afternoon, and she said she would like that.

At break time I went to stand in front of the building she worked in, and she wasn't there. In my mind, I telepathically asked her, "Are you coming?" She replied telepathically in my mind, "I'll be out soon. I need to talk to some people." She showed up a few minutes later, and said simply, "I was in a meeting." She stood close to me in the alcove of the entrance to her building and lit a cigarette. I told her, "I talk to you in my mind. Do you hear me?" She nodded, looking off into the distance, and said, "I was telling you I was coming out soon."

It's much more than just "talking." She looks out through my eyes, experiences my experiences, and knows my thoughts better than I know them myself. She demonstrated her powers to me on multiple occasions.

I make love to her in my mind. And she participates with me - saying telepathically "Oh, God," and "you won me," and etc.

How sick I am, if deluded - ain't it so?

But in the last few months I've written e-mails about these things to her, after five years with no external contact, and in her e-mails she continues talking to me, encourages me to keep writing my book about her, and never tells me to stop saying such deluded things about our mental relationship...

As I see it, she's on the top level of the earthly spiritual hierarchy. The next level would be disembodied spirits. She may be ready to ascend to that level - or she may be what the Buddhists call a Boddhisatva - a spirit who has attained enlightenment, but who chooses to continue incarnating into physical existence to help other souls find enlightenment.

She told me out loud once that a psychic she visited told her that in a previous lifetime she had been a healer of children - and the villagers had risen against her for some reason, and had burned her alive as a witch.

That's my spirit guide, my witch and my angel Deanna.

I love her intensely. And sometimes hate her for what she's done to me. But through everything, in my best moments, I see how she's leading me through emotional trials to spiritual freedom.

Do you understand better now?

It's absolutely insane. How could anybody understand? How could I be telling you stories like this and be in my right mind?

But it's the truth, marie. Stranger than fiction.

And there's so much more. It's all going into my book.

 

does your wife know about this telepathic relationship? was there friction between the two of you previous to this other 'relationship?'

Told ya I am nosey Sometimes noisy....but that depends on if the kids are home or not

 

I tried the "lemonade diet". I don't like calling it that because it's far from a diet, it's more of a detox. that's why I did it, for a cleanse. I lasted about a week, and I noticed a big big difference...just a higher quality of life.

 

My wife knows. "Friction" is putting it mildly.

Her reaction to my telling her is quite a story in itself. The first time I told her she screamed an obscenity at me. She could barely sleep for days and talked about taking the kids and leaving me.

Then she quickly decided that I was out of my stinkin' mind, and she got me to go to the psychiatrist to get medication so I wouldn't have any more mental affairs. I went mainly to prove that medication wouldn't make any difference, which it didn't. But she wasn't convinced, and has pretty much persisted in her belief that I'm delusional. Not totally - she has become slightly mellower and more inclined to give me some benefit of the doubt in more recent times.

She even talked to the two women I claimed to be having these mental affairs with, both of whom naturally denied any such thing. Talk about crazy...did she really think the women would just say, "Oh, yeah, sure, I have telepathic sex with your husband all the time."

So it's an interesting viewpoint - on the one hand she says I'm crazy and delusional and the mental affairs are not happening, and on the other hand she wants me to promise her that I'll never think about having sex with these women ever again.

Which one of us is more screwed up, do you think? LOL I know, it's probably a close call...what's interesting to me is that the spirit guides have managed to mess with both my mind and my wife's mind through all these things.

But to answer your question - yes, I had problems with her before all this stuff - but the current situation revealed a lot more to me about her. She was unhappy with me all the time, I couldn't do anything right. If I had never been married before or had a relationship before this one, I might have doubted myself a lot more - as it is I see it's mostly her problem. One time when she was in labor with our youngest - this was before I had any mental affairs - she was whining at me about something, and the midwife, who had been staying with us the previous few days, snapped at her, "You don't know what you've got," and stomped out of the room.

So my conclusion is that the spirit guides are working on her, as well as on me.

 

Wow, that is quite the story.

How do you know you are having telepathic conversations with them? I mean, how do you know that you aren't just thinking instead of just hearing? Damn, I don't even knowhow to word it.

So she wants you to be faithful but she isn't being intimate? Thats rough.

 

Yeah, no doubt. I just give both names in case anyone has only heard it referred to in one way.

It is amazing

 

Tedering on the borderline of insanity and normalcy, due to a plethora of mind-altering substances is my guess. It is now becoming strong enough for you to notice it. Keep fighting.

 

Please refer to the story I told you a few days ago, for one. Deanna agreed out loud that she was having telepathic communications with me. There were lots of other "proofs" she gave me, too numerous to talk about here - confirming something she had told me mentally, answering out loud a specific question I had asked her telepathically, and many other signs that she knew very well what was in my mind without me telling her out loud - many, many little things that happened with her and with two other women over the course of about five to six years. And she also gave me outward signs of affection on several occasions, so I know I didn't make up her feelings for me.

But of course - any time she gave me any of these outward signs and proofs, there was nobody else around to witness them.

Or maybe I'm just crazy, marie. Who can really say for sure? That will always be the question and the mystery about my life and about my book, if and when I finish writing it.