fake confessions!

Hipforums...... I am your Father.

 

Up until a couple of days ago I found pride and satisfaction in thinking that I was the best hedge trimmer on the Island and I found even more pride and satisfaction when I started thinking I was the best in the world. But after I finished trimmer a border hedge on Friday instead of the usual wow’s and applause all I got was - it looks ok and I was thankful for that because I thought it looked awful. I just couldn’t seem to find the shape in this hedge – it was huge so maybe I was intimidated. I don’t want to have to start thinking that I am not the best hedge trimmer on the Island and I really don’t want to have to start thinking that I’m not the best in the world so I have spent my weekend thinking up excuses for the poor job I did on Friday.

Example - my tools weren’t sharp – there was a family of raccoons hanging around the hedge and even the best hedge trimmer in the world could easily get distracted by then and goof up a 4 foot section or 2.

This is a little off topic but one of the reasons I love hedges (opposed to fences) is they are shelter for lots of wild life.

Anyway September will be my busy season for hedge work and I hope by then I will be back to thinking I’m the best. Cheers!

 

Elvis Presley came over to my house for dinner tonight and as usual I got insanely jealous when he took out his guitar after supper and played Blue Hawaii for my wife.

But this time I let my jealous side get the best of me and while he was combing his hair I snuck out to his microbus and loosened up the distributor cap. When he couldn’t get his vehicle started he decided he had better call a tow truck and asked me if he could borrow one of my disguises so he wouldn’t be recognized - I lied to him and told him that all my disguises were at the cleaners.

It turned out that the tow truck driver was a part time poperoutsee and he took a photo of Elvis – Elvis offered to buy the film from the guy and he wanted $75.000 for it. Because I figured the whole thing was partly my fault I talked the driver down to $60.000. I kind of think that my wife knows I get upset when Elvis comes over for dinner because she always makes my favorite desert – banana and peanut butter sandwiches. Cheers!

 

Sometimes while I am walking to work in the morning - I close my eyes when I cross the busy highway for an adrenalin rush.

 

Lol that last 1 made me LMAO.

 

Once a month I buy a six-pack of beer and then go and share it with the troll that lives under the Bernal Creek Bridge. Out of appreciation for the beer the troll teaches me how to do troll things. Last month I learnt how to stick my head under water and catch a fish. This month I will be learning how to safely gather milk from bears. My wife thinks that my troll apprenticeship is a waste of time and a waste of beer. But I figure that when the shit hits the fan and society crumbles I will be able to take her under a bridge and provide for her.

Cheers and happy weekend!

 

My penis is 14 feet long.

 

My twine brother’s new girl friend thinks that she is the Queen of England because she is a famous colonist. At our last barbeque it was pathetic watching my brother be a butler with nothing more to say then – yes “Dear”. What really pissed me off was when the wife and I were talking about how the raccoons were getting our chickens and Dotty looked at me and said something like, “well that’s what happens to pathetic men”. I lost it and said something like – well Dotty dear, shut up or I’m going to bury you in the peat moss bog and then dig you up in 20 years and call you mummy. She turned on my twine brother like a barracuda because he let me talk to her like that and before I knew it my twin brother was leaving my barbeque/ birthday celebrating - early because Dotty told him to. Any fake advice would be appreciated.

Cheers and happy weekend!

 

When Mr. Dressup died he made arrangements in his will for the wife and I to legally adopt Cassie. Shortly after Cassie arrived at our house I figured we had made a mistake all he did was hum and do arts and crafts. I have not been able to read the sport pages from the newspapers in years because Cassie makes pirate hats with them. Any way in hand puppet years he is 36 years old so I figure it is time he put the art and crafts away and gets a job. Cheers!

 

Last week I cloned myself and for a first attempt at cloning - Meme (my clone) turned out pretty good if I do say so myself.
My confession is now I want to clone myself 10 more times so that I don’t have to work and I can just sit around and smoke this years harvest. My wife says that it would be like a dictatorship and that I will turn into a bigger chronic then I already am.
I don’t think it would be like a dictatorship because I am always telling my self to get off my butt and get to work. So what would be wrong with telling my clones to do the same thing? She’s probably right about the chronic thing though. Cheers!

 

I'm really from the Planet Zigborg. We are a simple race and we don't eat because we feel that dying young is to get to afterlife faster...kind of like a spin on your planets buddhism. They sent me here to study your species and I realized that ants are actually the superior species. If anyone wants to join me on my ride home your welcome...but I got to warn you there is nothing to eat at my house.

 

i poured pepsi into my vagina using a funnel

 

I figure that the only way humans will stop fighting amongst them self’s is if they had an alien race to fight with.

So today I am going to do some modifications on my short wave radio – then start bombarding alien worlds with lame knock – knock jokes. I hope they get pissed off and come to earth and demand a meeting with the world leaders to find out were the knock - knock jokes are coming from. Then I hope they get really pissed off when earth’s world leaders tell them they don’t know. And then when an alien goes over and gives a push to a leader of a County and demands to be told were the singles are coming from I hope a leader of another Country say’s – hey you can’t do that to my homeboy and it will be on. Cheers!

 

That was one of my favorites so far.

I was walking down the street one day when the clock hit 2:12 A.M. where I met the man with No name (I always call him Whats his name again?). He said he was expecting me and gave me a rhombus key to access "the elevator." He was a very peculiar creature like being, so I went into the elevator and ended up in the Underground. The Underground is a town about 1387 feet below the earths surface, and is inhabited by amphibian people. Well I ended up with Mean Victor, the toad, who always complains about work, and Dimitri, the easy going axolotl, who wears nothing but his whitey tighties. We basically just play a poker like game, made up in the Underground, while Mean Victor listens to the race track. Every once in a while we get mail from Lenny the Mailman and his pet slug Muskrat. Secretly I have a crush on Sally the Salamander. (This is a story I'm writing...but it was good for this.)

 

Well, the other day, I was sorting through some boxes in the attic, and I found the original copy of the Bible. Which was nice.

 

i have dentures.

 

I dont get ill every winter.

 

i never do drugs

 

My arsehole is bleeding.

 

Quite a few years ago I heard a song on the radio and part of the words in
that song were ",it only hurts until you cry after that you don't ask why."
I figured that was no way for any one to think so I put some kitchen utensils
in my brief case and hoped on my surfboard to pay them a visit.
When I got to their apartment building I heard some kind of trouble
some kind of fight and I knew I was at the right place so I headed up to
the second floor and knocked on their door. When they answered I told them
that I was the Fuller brush man and they told me they were kind of busy.
I told them that we were having an 80% off sale and they let me in.
After awhile I told them the real reason I was there was because their
arguing was getting out of hand. Then they kissed - made up and lived
happily ever after. Cheers!