My Beloved has been off her meds for 72 hours now. We're back to me getting screamed at and cursed and told repeatedly in great detail how much I'm hated. Between bouts of white-hot rage and effusive tears, she's suicidal. My PTSD therapist says I should leave until she calms down; my company is contingent upon being treated with at least a minimal level of courtesy & respect. Hard to do when you've "contracted" with her doctor to stay with her 24/7 (her behavior in that moment doesn't exactly instill confidence in her impulse control), and it's 38° and pouring rain at 10:00 PM. Go where, exactly? Actually, she explicitly wants me to find another mate, so that she can leave and kill herself in peace. Besides; I love her; she's my mate and my best friend. I won't abandon her. I'm not supposed to agree with her delusions, which would only reinforce them. I'm not supposed to deny her delusions, which would only entrench her resistance. Instead, I'm supposed to relate to the underlying emotions and psychological needs which are giving rise to the delusions...all the while maintaining the clinical detachment and healthy interpersonal boundaries requisite to remain sufficiently emotionally engaged yet not get sucked into the maelstrom of her mental illness. I just don't think that I have the skillset to juggle all that on a unicycle on a high wire while she's going full-throttle 'Linda Blair' on me. All my efforts seem to accomplish is to further escalate and enrage her. I've got issues of my own; I've got Asperger's, so my social skills can be pretty pathetic on a good day, and PTSD; while she's erupting like Vesuvius, I'm going all dorsal-vagal and shutting down emotionally; I can almost feel the circuit-breakers popping off in my head. She feels like I'm not listening, not hearing her, and that I don't understand, trust and believe in her...which considering her generous helping of industrial-strength, batshit crazy, is factually true. She made an oblique and very succinct apology and started back on her meds last night; doctor appointment today; counseling Wednesday. I awoke at 3:00 AM this morning, so tense that I feel like one big muscle cramp.
Now I'm crying; this is all just so fucking hard. Just the other day I was thinking how nice things are going; relaxed. She was stable and her old self again, and I wasn't constantly looking for a tripwire and feeling like I was walking into an ambush. Wow; talk about delusional.
I'm so sorry Piobaire that sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. I really hope she gets back on track with her treatment and things settle down for you both soon. X
If you've got to be there, show her you're listening by not letting it be a one sided fight. Give it back with both barrels on every issue and don't back down. It made me and my ex wife, daughters mother, friends again. Shocks em back to reality in a way that walking on eggshells won't. Commit to it and it'll work. Kindness won't knock crazy down.
The off-meds issue is a common one. "I feel great, what do I need meds for?" usually leads to disaster. I wonder if she could write a letter to herself reminding her of why she should stay on meds
I think that when she started winding up Sunday morning and any attempts to deescalate just added fuel to the fire, she realized that this was beyond her control, and was playing her like a marionette.
Yes. She talked to our MD yesterday at length, and she's taking her meds again. She Zooms with her therapist today. She's back to her old self, but I shutdown so hard it takes me a couple of days to recover. It is absolutely clear to me how folk 200+ years ago would've believed beyond doubt that this was demonic possession.
Do not dwell on that, things are so much better these days. x Stay strong, you have good support on this forum.
