Most nights during the week I spend at least 20 minutes meditating usually more. I awake everyday with a prayer.. I pray to be compassionate, kind, loving, generous, peaceful, happy, nice and to be a good person in general. I pray for my soul to be healed. Throughout the day I try to focus on these things, I try to be the person that I pray to be and I try to do it without changing my true self as an individual. I believe in spirituality not in a specific religion though I'm really into buddhism and hinduism, but I feel that every religion is a path to God, and I also believe EVERYONE is a teacher. No matter what faith and political belief they have they can teach you something. But what have found is that theres a major flaw in my spirituality. No matter how often I pray or how hard I try to be a good person I can't be. When my friends thought it would be funny to drive through puddles and soak the men working hard as hell on lawn maitnence in the hot and rainy weather last weekend I felt so bad, I felt what they had done was so wrong, and plain mean, but I couldnt do anything about it because it had already been done, and all I could say was, "that was so dick" as they enjoyed a hearty laugh. I didnt laugh, but at the same time I couldnt speak up. I can never speak up unless I'm being selfish. I feel terrible for the things a lot of my friends say and do, and a majority of things I would never even think of doing, but at the same time I sit and allow them to do it, never saying a word. Because if I was to say something I'd look like an idiot, and be made of for it. Now I can never manage to say the right thing, which means I'm really not doing the right thing, and to make matters worse, I'm mean. Even when I spend all day trying to be nice to everyone, even people I dislike, I'm still mean. I hurt my parents when I constantly argue with them over some of my strong opinions, I hurt them when I'm lazy, I hurt them when I don't do things their way, I hurt them when I ingest psychoactive substances, I hurt them when I get bad grades, and I hurt them when I'm selfish. But the thing is I dont want to hurt them, I dont try to hurt them, even when they told me things to get me to focus more in school like, "your a big part of the reason we're thinking about getting divorced." "You obviously dont love us if you would treat us this way." Those words hurt yet I still dont intentionally look to argue with them or be mean, but I am. Its how I naturally act and I want to change this. I want to be a genuine good person I want to help the world, and I want to be compassionate more than anything. I want to be peaceful and loving. And I've looked inside myself and towards multiple different religions to help me to be the person I want to become, but as each day passes I still manage to hurt my family even when I try so hard. I also want to be genuinely happy, I want to be able to smile at EVERYONE, no matter what, just so I can make their day better, but I cant. And I want to be more concious of others around me. I want to be this person I describe. How do I do it? How can heal my soul and become this person because I feel this is my true self or else I wouldnt have the intentions I have. But how do I do it besides through meditation and prayer because though I will continue to do these things, they havent resulted in me being what I want to be. And thats why I ask everyone no matter what religion you are to give me your input. Please help me.