Evening Frost

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by ripple23, Jan 5, 2005.

  1. ripple23

    ripple23 Member

    Even in the kings garden the roses

    will be brown by morning

    and the girls will look sad without the scents
    of lilacs stained on their dresses


    I will only stay one more day



    yesterday a silence that cannot conquer the rain;

    the truck approaching had no distance to thunder

    the yellow cars carry with them

    a lighting of rest



    If we find our way before dawn

     
  2. kidder

    kidder Member

    You've grasped in four tiny letters the essential elements of this primitive blemish. Well done!
     
  3. Bhaskar

    Bhaskar Members

  4. ripple23

    ripple23 Member

    thank you thank you. believe me what you see here is better than what you would have read had i not realized that the original poem is complete shit.
     
  5. browneydgrl

    browneydgrl Member

  6. littleskinny

    littleskinny Member

    don't understand everyone's comments....
    I enjoyed the first part very very much. Quite haunting. You lost me in the second half though!
     
  7. Bhaskar

    Bhaskar Members

    just read the revised version...some very beutiful images there. You create the setting perfectly and then just paint a scene over it very subtly. Good job.
     
  8. TheSkaEffect

    TheSkaEffect Member

    i likes it :):):)
     
  9. ripple23

    ripple23 Member

    i put up a poem first then decided i hated it so i erased it but couldn't figure out how to delete the whole thread so just wrote 'nope' where the poem had been.. then posted this one whch is actually similar to the first one.

    yeah i lost myself in the second half, it was a quick little automatic writing excercise while i was reading a book of poems by Andre Breton (leader of the french surrealists....)
     

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