end of the road for me

I NEVER said you shouldn't be upset. And I never said they were "just" embryos. All I meant was that sometimes its not physically possible for an embryo to continue to develop, and there's not always anything you can do about it. It doesn't mean you're a failure--look, you can grieve all you want, but when you start to hate your own body it's gone too far. You can grieve in a healthy way without flogging yourself.

And for the record, I never said I know how you feel. I've never tried to have a baby because I know I won't be ready for another 20 years. But I have experienced medical trauma--I had a liver transplant 2 years ago for still-unknown reasons, so no, I don't know what it's like to lose a baby, but I know what it's like to lose a vital organ. And believe me, there's a grieving process with that as well. I went through hell, but eventually, I knew that I was going to have to continue with my life. I'm not comparing our different experiences, but I am saying you are NOT HELPLESS.

You DO need to grieve, but saying things like, "It's the end of the road for me..." is only digging yourself further into a hole. That's not grieving, that's emotional suicide.

If you don't trust therapists, what about your husband? Surely he's grieving too. I'm just trying to encourage you to reach out to someone LOCALLY, because relying too heavily on the internet for support can be risky.

One more thing...I HIGHLY reccomend you read the book, "Waking the Tiger." It's about trauma--emotional and physical--and how our bodies react to it, and how we can heal from it.

 

ive read that book and its as helpful as american society...its not
and losing an organ is nowhere near the same as losing a child
and as for relying on the internet, there are a few girls around here who have helped me quite a bit brighid, hippiefreeek, drumminmama, humblebee, earthymama are all great women and thats why i look for support here is because of them

 

Sweatdreadlover - I have never been in your shoes but I know many people that have. Miscarriages are very common it could be as simple as your body and your emotions are healthy eneough for a baby. Like everyone else said many women try for up to 10 years to have a baby. Don't blame yourself for what happened there was nothing you could do to stop it. Just give yourself some time to heal your body, mind and sole. IT can be very upsetting to have suck high expectations for yourself and not get what you want. Just give yourself even just 6 months eat right exercise, get healthy and happy again, save money then start trying again.

 

Oh, it makes me SO angry to hear about misconduct with such sensitive issues like pregnancy and miscarriage. I lost 3 out of 4 siblings I could have had and one of them was completely due to a doctor's complete incompetence. My mother miscarried her first pregnancy, from natural causes, but the asshole doctor didn't do a thorough exam on her and her body hadn't completely cleaned itself out, so when she got pregnant just a while later, she miscarried because her body rejected the pregnancy since there were still remains from the first. She went to a different doctor and they had to do a d&c, and then her third pregnancy came along a couple of years later, and tada! Here I am, 20 years later. She miscarried my brother Adam when I was two, but then two years later, one of my best friends, my 16 year old brother Jordan was born.

Don't give up hope, my parents never did and while they had to grieve a few times, they got to rejoice ten million times more because they held strong and kept trying. I know you're probably in some horrible pain right now, and it's completely alright to take some time out for you in your healing process, but don't let this discourage you from life! There's beauty just waiting to come to you, and while it really sucks that you have to take the bad along with the good, remember, you must have felt happiness once to be this sad now, and you will be happy again. Hold your head high and smile for your future children.

 

thank you very much ramona

 

You know all the right things to say, I know I would have been re-assured by this when I miscarried about four years ago.

 

read this and please do some of the things it says for women like me who have suffered....tact IS a big deal....this is important for some of you who handle such issues poorly

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

 

Wow, who exactly are you wanting to read that? So many people on here have gone out of their way to give you love and support...I don't understand why you felt the need to post that.

 

Sweet; Why don't you spend some time off the computer since theres so many ppl on here that have "babies" or are saying the wrong things.

Time to heal

And think of new things in approach to a new way of doing things. Think positive

 

Beautifully said and wonderful advice! Thank you for sharing your story.

I was recently talking to my mom about pregnancy and such and she mentioned like others here that during her childbearing years, they didn't find out they were pregnant until at least 4 months along. For me, she found out in March...I was born in June. I think all this technology, which has caused us to obsess and be able to take a test at home as soon as we may suspect pregnancy, must be causing so much heartache since the chance of miscarriage is so high during the 1st trimester. Sometimes, I think it would be best to be back in the older days, when we would never know we were pregnant until we are nice, round and ready to pop LOL.

 

drummin mama...what you say is true...although it seems to me as if maybe i wouldnt make a good mom and maybe im just a terrible person, thats why god keeps taaking my children away form me, i dont know. i feel like maybe i dont deserve children, and healing is not something i do very well

 

its how your reading it sweet!


understand a lot of women do miscarry and it will take time to heal. Its not your fault.

 

read this and please do some of the things it says for women like me who have suffered....tact IS a big deal....this is important for some of you who handle such issues poorly

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."


this is only meant for those who say things that are hurtful




Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty sure all that stuff you wrote is not needed because some women on here have suffered a miscarriage or family has.

What you have to look at is your healing process not looking at the day before and the day before that look forward and time will heal itself. I'm sure what ur going thru your husband is going through as well so its not easy for him either. So he has to heal himself plus try and help you too ...

Dwelling on the past is not going to help the present or the future and thinking process and negative thinking and all that will only cause more harm to your body in the future when the time comes for another.

Theres no need to repost what you wrote

 

i didnt write it it was written by someone i met in a babyloss forum , and i guess its been yed by ALOT of women such as myself