Eating Disorder

haha you said it...

it fucking SUCKS.

 

interesting tohught- does summer trigger you guys more than in winter because of teh bathing suits and wearing less clothing?

i guess in a way it does for me, but not really. im pretty much this crazy all year round...

 

Actually, USUALLY it works opposite for me, because I have SAD... so because I get really depressed during the winter months, it often triggers a relapse because of the down-mood I'm in---

But, I guess this year is different than most years.

I believe a lot of my relapse has to do with the fact that I quit smoking, and heightened anxiety/depression, mixed with a little weight gain and what not... I should have been more careful, and paid attention to the signs, but...too late now.

I'm supposed to get my period today and don't even feel PMS in the slightest [I PMS hardcore before my period] ...so I'm a tad nervous about that... I suppose if I miss my period, I need more medical attention/therapy than I thought.

I thought I wasn't doing THAT bad...but then again what I think is really distorted right now.

I hate this... I was doing so well, and then BAM. Ugh....

 

i guess this is something i should probably know already....but have always wondered about this. guess i might as well throw it out there and find out. i have, at times, gone months without a period as a result of eating- disordered patterns (8 months last year being my longest continuous period of this). however, what most of my 5 year battle with this has been characterized by is extremely infrequent and irregular periods. in the past year and a half or so, i haven`t had more than 4 periods- and none of them have been normal (like they were before i started restricting hardcore) as of now, i`m eating fairly normally but my periods haven`t yet returned to normal. first question is whether or not nutritional deficiencies can lead to infrequent and extremely short periods (maybe 3 days of bleeding total); second question is whether or not having a period every couple of months carries the same health risk that complete amenorrhea does.

 

Well I actually sort of asked about this on the something-fishy forums just a bit ago, and what I know is vague....but maybe this helps answer your question a tad:

Some people will get their periods back almost immediately.
Some people will take as long as YEARS to get their periods back, and regular again.
And some people NEVER get their period back, and become infertile as a result.

However, since you are getting yours, I would ASSUME that maybe it's just taking a little longer for you to become regular again... keeping eating right, do what you can to keep stress levels low, and don't overdo exercise, and wait it out a bit and see if you get it back more regularly.

Also, someone told me that if you go to the gyno you can have them check your hormone levels and what not, and see if you're still ovulating normally and all that good stuff...and they should be able to tell you whether you are on the right track.

Everyone is different, so no one can really answer that question except your doctor. I have friends who don't get their period every month, don't have an issue with eating, but are completely healthy and normal in their reproductive health....it just is a matter of stress levels for them and what not, and it affects how often or little they get their periods....some people are very touchy like that.

I don't think I am, because I've been under a great DEAL of stress for the past few years, almost consistently and haven't missed a period.... unless I do now...which if I do is probably only because of my eating issue, and nothing more.

Still....like I said, I would go to the gyno if I were you and have it looked at. If I so much as miss this one period, I'm going for sure and being checked...I don't want to take risks of letting it go too long without medical attention, because I'm only 19 and there will be a time when one day I want a kid of my own.

 

apples- what is the fear that is driving this problem.is it a fear of putting on weight?
so what!
if that is you in the picture than let me tell you you are a stunning beautifull woman and you have such strong looks.
if not the weight what else emotionly or psychologicaly is driving it.
i know its addictive but it has to stop for the benefit of your long term health.
i have written this without reading in their entirity your posts,so forgive me if i have missed something obvious.
to all those who are suffering from disorders let me tell you i almost lost my life becase of mine but i had to make a choice whether to live or die.
i was within days of losing my life!
but chose to recover,dont know why, just felt i could have a better life.
and although life has thrown some awful things at me since i recovered i have recovered.
maybe the mental process has moved to other areas of diffuculty but i have conquered mine and you can too.
if anyone needs to pm me for help please do.
this is not an illness that discriminates it can afect anyone.

 

just a quick line.
apples- i cant beleive you saying you have no self control or will power in my case that what was driving me my obsession with losing as much weight as i could even tho i didnt know why.
you are the queen of self control and when you are ready to recover you can go for it using that will power.
you can overcome this, i did.

 

Thank you--
to answer your questions:

Do I fear gaining weight? Well yes, but not because of the weight itself. Because the issue is centered around control/self-control and the dangerous need I have for feeling in control, the only way that it relates to weight is that... if I don't see the numbers on the scale down, I feel I must not be controlling myself enough. I really, in actuality don't want to be skinny-skinny, or anything to that affect... I think most celebrities are disgusting with how thin they are... so it's not REALLY weight, and as long as I avoid the scale, weight is no part of it what-so-ever. [meaning, if I use the scale, I become focused on relying on the numbers to tell me how 'in control' I've been] And, I do try to avoid the scale at all costs

Is it something else? Yes, like I said it's a control thing. And where does that come from? I'm learning....
Through counseling I have been learning that it has a lot to do with the fact that I am bad at balancing out my spunk and my passiveness--- There are times when my spunk is heightened, and I'm good at telling others "No" when I need to and what not; and when I'm good in terms of having that spunk and utilizing it, my eating is better... and then there are times like now, when I am void of that spunk, and I begin to feel as if I don't do anything for myself, and that I let people walk all over me, because I don't feel strong enough to say no when I need to... and the reason I don't is a fear of hurting others feelings.

Other issues I have directly are related to how I was brought up in terms of food; Both of my parents were a little over the top about meal times, and focused lots on their weights, calories, portions, etc; Not to mention lots of arguments were ignited over dinner time. Perfection was crucial at the dinner table---must sit up straight, no elbows on the table, hold your fork right, eat all your vegetables, chew with your mouth closed, etc---and if any of these "rules" were broken, hell broke loose, and sometimes I was sent to my room.

It's really more than just one thing or another, or even just a couple things.... a lot of small and moderately sized factors have aided in and do in aid in my problems with eating. I'm a sensitive person, and I absorb everything around me.... as with any anxiety people have, they release it somehow, and usually in a negative way, before they ever learn how to cope in HEALTHY ways...and I'mstill in the process of learning healthy coping.

I am finding help, so I can assure you things will be fine. But, I expect it may take a while to get through this.

Thanks for your kind words, and I hope my answers cleared up any confusion

 

youre humility and altruism is beautifull.
so many people of your age ,and thats not trying to be dismissive or patronising, are so full of themselves and arrogant an full of bs.
you are obviously a submissive personality,but iwant to ask you if people are prepared to walk over you are they worthy of your sensitivity to them?
to hell with them they aint worth a jot.
youre right about the scales and seeing them move down,that brought back a lot of memories to me! but i got over it by getting something else that was more important!
you already realise that!
you can do it.
what else do you have in your life that you can focus on with as much strength of character where you can prove to yourself and others what a strong and onderfull person you are?
Youre parents no longer control you do they?
so you can get out of there table routines.
i can remember how awkward it was when i was ill,and she seved me a meal and i had to have everything just right on the plate,the portions and how they were seved how to get rid of them when she wasnt looking, how to hide food,how to make it look like i had eat it and so on.
thankfully those days are gone.
id like to thank you .apples for thestrength you are giving me in through youre writing.
you are a beautifull woman.

 

i m careless and do not care food. m i suffering from eating disorder

 

probably not,because eating disorders are all about caring- just not for yourself. and ususally, people with an e.d. DO care about food, just not in the normal way. i tihnk about food all day long. how many calories, the ingredients, the taste, and the fear of it really. its all a mind game- because i can rarely bring myself to actually eat the food.

but i cant tell you if you do or dont have an ED, everyone feels and deals with them a bit differently. maybe your way is to just disregurd and not care about food. have you read these posts? do any of them relate to you? you dont have to be diognosed as anorexic or bulimic, you could be EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), which is still as bad and can/ will morph into a more visible problem.

 

*blush* Well thank you...

I know I will overcome this, it's just a matter of time, patience,and hard work.

 

oh yeah. today I ate like a normal person, and i feel like i'm going insane inside. i can't stop pacing and freaking out.

it really sucks that i want to be healthy, and eat healthy, but when i do, i feel like im a loser.

i hate myself for eating all that i did, and i know to people who dont have an ED or dont get it, think that's absurd.

so i cant even talk to anyone else about this right now

so i just get to deal with tossing and turning in bed all night thinking about how much i suck and just want to cry until my stomach hurts.

;aldskjf

 

its that same feelign that makes me not want to get better. i dont really even think about getting better. one day i was with my familyy all day and ate like they did for a day, and that night i cried myself to sleep for about 2 1/2 hours. all because my stomach hurt so bad and i felt so bad. i felt such guilt, such pain inside. i promised myself id never do that to myself again. id never allow myself to attempt to eat more than i "know" i should, because its not worth the pain. it was tehn that i decided the lyign and manipulating was WELL WORTH the pain inside id feel otherwise.

i watch myself write these things and i know in the back of my head they are not logical. but actually, they are quite logical to me. ugh i dont know. im sorry about your bad day apples, i really am.

 

Yeah, I dig what you're saying... But, when I feel that way, although I feel the way you do, I also just plain and simple feel like... I just wish I could eat normal like that, and just not feel upset. Rather than just being upset, and thinking that not eating is worth it...or whatever, I just feel like I wish I didn't have to feel that way.

Ugh, I can't explain it.

But, I AM apprehensive to proceed with recovery, because I know I'm going to have to feel this way a lot through my recovery, and right now I don't feel like I can deal with that. I don't feel strong enough, or prepared for it. But, I want recovery so bad ...so I'm all torn up inside. I still haven't told my counselor.

I went to counseling yesterday... and we do a lot of dream work in my counseling, which is helpful to me, because I have very very vibrant dreams, and they often really affect me in some way or another--- Anyhow, the dream I told her about yesterday, when she was asking me questions, to help me analyze what this dream may have meant to me, I knew for a fact it related to issues with my eating, but I couldn't and didn't tell her...and I think she could see through it. When I told her "I Don't Know" or came up with something else to answer with...I could see in her eyes that she knew I wasn't being 100% honest. Sure, most of the things I said were truthful, but I didn't give her the whole truth, and I gathered from her reaction to everything that she could sense there was more to it, than what I was giving her.

I feel like I am making a lot of progress with her in a lot of areas that are huge concerns of mine... But, is there going to only be a limit to the amount of progress I make with her, if I don't tell her about my eating? I'm still debating inside, about that, because... I have one theory, that maybe, if I work out all these other issues with her, it will have an affect on my issues with eating, because eating disorders have very very little to do with the actual eating/not eating part...and more to do with the way you feel about other issues in your life. BUt the other part of me thinks, and knows, that if I don't tell her, it will probably get in the way of important things that I'm currently feeling that she may need to know about to help me.

*sigh*

Anyway... I pretty much set in stone for my boyfriend that there is no way in hell I am going to go out to eat with him ANYMORE for a long time, because I just get too upset. He always begs me to go to all these chinese places and what not with him, thinking that if I just go through with it and tough it out that I will end up being okay, but im NOT. It makes me feel worse, and it seems to further my behaviors.

I.E. I will starve myself for days after eating that way, or I will exercise til I hurt so bad that I'm practically immobile the next day, etc. And, when I just eat the little amounts that I do from day to day, and keep with it, I don't go crazy to the point where I completely starve myself or OVERDO exercise.

I know myself and my disorder better than anyone else does, and I'm sick of people trying to tell me how it is, or will be, etc.

Unless its coming from a therapist or dietition who deals with EDs, I highly doubt they get what I'm going through.

;lasdkjf;alksjdf

 

but apples a lot of us have shared your thoughts who went through this in the past so we know and remember your pain and unsettled mind.
dont over eat just eat the right amount and settle your mind.
once you decide to eat a balanced diet on a regular basis it will become easier in your mind i gauruntee that,honest it will.
but you musnt give in to these thoughts of it being wrong when you eat too much.
just relax and eat the right balanced amount and you will get there.

 

its like you took the thought right out of my mind.

 

random note:
I feel really violent when I hear/see of pro-ana websites and the like. I wish I could find those fucking morons and break their fucking faces.

rant, end.

 

Yeah also, I have come to the conclusion that the something-fishy forums are lame. I understand that they have to watch and regulate it so that no one puts anything triggering or the like on there, but, they get really carried away with the posts they close.

I don't know if I'm going to go back there again, it's annoying. You can't really talk anything of much importance without it getting closed. It's lame.

 

yea i used to go to a site like that, it may have even been that one, (i dont remember cause i was on it for only like 2 days) but it was so dumb cause they let you say almost nothing at all.

so thats why i like this site. except the few people who think they know everything. its funny; im not a hippy AT ALL but this is one of my favorite sites, this and myspace.

so my ED is getting crazy- and im feeling some serious pain. ive been realyl sad and depressed lately and i just dont care to eat drink or even swallow my spit (ive noticed i spit my saliva so i dont retain it as water that could be making me bloat).. and tongiht i was out with family for dinner and ordered teh usualy: vegeburger, no bun, only lettuce and a tomato. and wow, eating just like 3 bites made me literally sick.

ugh. it hurts but it feels so good. i dont know why i tihnk this but i really like this hurt, even though all it makes me want to do is lye down and cry. i deserve it.