Eating Disorder

wow I'm so sorry for both of you.. I hope you the very best in the crazy battle...
I feel so bad.. hugs to both of you.. I was feeling pulled back to it a few weeks ago but coming here everyday and reading all the posts in this thread has made me feel much stronger knowing I'm not alone...
you guys are in my heart and thoughts all the time..
please be safe!
much love always,
Hollie*

 

Yeah, I think I understand what you're saying and how you feel...

Although, when I'm dealing with things by not eating/restricting... I don't feel fine. It is the only way I know how to deal with things, and how to feel like I have control, when everything else is out of control, and out of my hands... However, I always understand that it is quite the opposite, and it ends up tearing me apart.

Like, right now... I'm scared to death of recovery, because I feel like I "need" my disorder, otherwise I'll feel lost and more out of control... but at the same I fully recognize and understand that my disorder has control OF me. And that is a fact. And knowing that, inside, is what depresses me... because I feel like I'm in this constant battle of a lose, lose situation.

If I eat, my disorder makes me feel like a failure. If I don't...my real, true inner self is ashamed and disappointed in me for letting the disease distort me, and consume me.

It's weird...sometimes I just feel as if one side of my brain is playing tug-of-war with the other side. And it hurts a lot.

The whole thing fucking sucks.

99.9% of the time I'm exhausted, or I have a terrible stomach ache, but I still can't make myself better. I don't know which I'd rather be sometimes....mentally sick, or physically sick... If I eat, I feel mentally unstable, but if I don't...I physically feel like death. And neither are much fun....

ugh. I'm going to shut up now, I sound like a whiney bitch.

 

god ^^ that is exatcly how I feel.. like word for word..
mostly the tug of war comment...
when I was contemplating getting healthy I freaked out thinking if I didn't have my E.D I had nothing .. I felt like it was the only thing that was MINE.. I completely know how you feel..

 

Thanks, sweetheart. I'm glad to hear you're doing so well, and I'm glad that coming here is of some help to you... although I'm still dealing with it, talking about it here and on the something-fishy forums makes me feel a lot better.

On the something-fishy forums they have these "games" you can play that are supposed to jog your mind on why you want and need recovery, and how the disorder affects and ruins your life.... and I think they are really helpful, although very very emotionally draining.

 

thanks hun.. I'm not doing great.. I still have my days but I feel atleast more mentally stable.. I was planning on going to the something-fishy forums.. I seem to like putting stuff like that off though.. this place makes me feel more normal, when I go there I don't feel like I'm nearly as healthy as I need to be.. ya know what I mean..

 

i`m actually doing better this week than i was last week...one final from being done with school this semester, and looking forward to being able to relax some. last week was terrible, though....had friends worried and loveliness like that. thank goodness things have stabilised this week. when things are like this, i don`t necessarily consider myself to be completely eating disordered, though i do know and admit that i`ve definitely got some seriously disordered habits at times. do any of you ever wrestle with what exactly `normal` is? i`m always forced to concede that my understanding of the word/concept is pretty skewed and end up having to rely on someone else`s understanding of it to keep moving forward in recovery....otherwise i`d have stopped and decided i was done a long time ago...

 

Yes, well, that's the nature of eating disorders really... the fact that the person's outlook on things can be a bit distorted...or as you said, skewed.

The reason that they get to the point that they do is because of that distortion, and the inability to see something for it's true self---whether it be your eating habits, how you look, what "healthy" is...or whatever.

That's the most difficult part of the disorder, and recovery...is dealing with that disorted outlook on those things, and trying to change them to more realistic perspectives and adapting to those realistic points of view. It's harder than it sounds.

A lot of people who don't deal with it, say what I just said, as if it is really easy to just change that, and quickly adapt...but it's not, especially when it's something you've been dealing with for a long, long time.

I think even when I was doing really well, I think I still had a distorted perspective on what "normal" eating was...or what normal habits were, etc.

 

^this is very much true of my life as well....something i`m still wrestling with on a daily basis. i`m moving towards normal gradually...but it`s a slow, difficult process- and most importantly, one which we eating disordered ones cannot undertake alone. were it not for the people in my life who love me enough to speak truth to me- those closest to me- i wouldn`t have made any progress whatsoever.

 

i dont even understand what 'normal' is.

last night i went to my brothers play, wizard of oz, and he did a wonderful job as the wizard. we had family from out of town come in that we havnt seen in a while. everyone was so happy afterwards and decided to go out to ice cream. i wanted to go so bad. SO BAD. but i couldnt. i just couldnt. i went home instead and sat in my room for the 1 1/2 hours they were gone. i know why i said no to going, but i dont understand why i felt so inclined that i wouldnt just go anyways, even just to sit and talk and laugh with everyone. see, this is what scares me. its like i cant even control myself.

ive been thinking about it and its like i was mezmorized and just robotically said no. im so used to doing that when someone is like, "wanna go get something to eat?" NO I DONT! I DONT WANT TO GO GET "SOMETHING TO EAT." "why not?"

because it makes me feel like shit.

sorry, ranting, but im having a really hard time dealing. im so tired of living day to day like this. i hate it- if im not upset over not eating, then im upset that i dont. and if i do eat, i cant live with myself either. i know my problems root deeper than 'food' but its like i cant pinpoint it.

wow, sorry this was so long. i just have so much on my mind and this little forum here is the only place that wont 'go tell my mom' lol :/

 

Yeah I understand.... I feel the same way. I rarely say no when my family wants to take me out for dinner or something, because I feel horrible, and I know that I should try to eat... as well as, I know I won't eat alone, so I better do it when I know I can.

[odd because a lot of people with eating disorders DON'T like eating around people, but I'm almost opposite... I have to, otherwise I know I won't eat at all]

although, my mind is still there and present... though not much, it's enough for me to WANT to get better, and to want to try and do what I can in the meantime before I'm all better. When you're still really warped into the disorder, and it's still fairly "new" [meaning, you haven't yet tried to recover] it's really difficult to WANT to recover, because the disorder doesn't allow you to want that.

Anyway... I wanted to rant about something.

I've been doing what I can as I said... and I set up an appointment with the dietition and tomorrow I have a meeting with my counselor that I think my mum's coming with me to, to help me explain things to her, so that I can start taking care of the problem once and for all, before I get sick, physically, and more sick, mentally.

Well, my fiancee is growing impatient, and expects things to be better now. RIGHT now, even though things are still in the process of being set up.

On the way home from work yesterday, he asked me if I ate anything at lunchtime, and I told him no... and naturally he became upset. But, I honestly was planning on eating with him, because it's the only way I can get myself to eat right now, as I said before... well before I could say anything about that, he got all worked into a tizzy and started snapping at me, and telling me that he was getting pissed because I keep saying it will get better "but things are only getting worse"

I explained to him, that they may get worse before they get better, but it will get better....because I won't let it destroy me. I've tasted what it's like to feel close to stable, and I want more of it.... and there's no way I'm going to let this shit drag me right back down, only to kill me. And I keep telling him this, and that it's not my fault that I have to wait two more weeks to see the dietition, but I don't know... I think he's just upset.

I just hate it because, I am doing what I can right now... I'm not just letting this take over my life, and not asking for help... you know?

I know and understand why he's upset, but I wish he understood where III am coming from, and I wish he would have a little more confidence in me, that I will get better. I almost feel like he lacks faith in me on this matter.

I don't know... And I explained to him later, "You don't have to get upset if I hadn't eaten anything yet by the time you see me, because I will... I always make an effort to eat, everyday."

And I do. I know I don't eat enough to stay healthy right now, but I'm trying as best as I can, I really am. I think I've only not eaten anything at all for one day out of this whole relapse, so I'm already doing much better than I ever had in the past...

arrgh I'm just so frustrated right now.

I WISH I could just make myself all better, I want that more than anything, and I hate hate hate upsetting HIM on top of upsetting myself, but ugh unfortunately it doesn't just happen that way.

This past weekend, I tried to eat like a normal person on Sunday or Saturday... I don't remember...either way, I felt like jumping off a cliff after I completed a full meal, and ended up exercising the rest of the night to alleviate all my stress over the subject... and then, after freaking out like that, the real me, felt even worse for letting it get to me so much. I just wanted to be able to eat normal, and feel decent about it, and carry on. WHY CANT I DO THAT RIGHT NOW? WHY AM I SO UPSET WHEN I EAT?

I keep asking myself that, and I honestly don't know the answer. I can't f*cking figure it out and it's getting to me more and more everyday.

ok Im going to shut up now because I could go on forever about how sick of this I'm getting, and how I wish June 1st would just come, and how I wish I would know what my therapist is going to say and how things are going to work...because I just want stuff better. ASAP.

 

see, people dont realize the constant hurt that E.D.s haunt people with.

im very sorry your fiance isnt seeing eye to eye with you, but its good that you understand he just wants whats best. its easy to push people away in times when you absolutly need them, so just make sure you keep that in mind, but ive no doubt that you know that clearly.

thats intersting youll only eat with people- i find it almost physcally impossible to pick up a fork and repeatedly put food into my mouth when im with people. maybe a raisen here or there but definitly no a meal. i start getting nervous as if they are all watching me, and i KNOW they are thinking that im eating so much and that im just getting fatter by the minute. and once i start eating i feel like either i have to stop completely or keep going at a brisk pace, so then i feel like they are watching my inner turmoil play out for them. theres probably not a whole lot more that i hate than that feeling. i guess i feel vulnerable in a way. weird.

and keep ranting, it helps to read it. anyone.

 

yeah well I feel under pressure a lot too, but not for the same reason... I feel under pressure to eat more than I can handle eating, because I feel like they are watching me to make sure I clear my plate. So I get nervous that, if I get full...or if I start to feel shitty about eating, that I won't be able to stop because then everyone's going to get upset about me not eating again.

It IS odd, but I think it's because I've been through the worst stages of an eating disorder, and went through therapy/recovery... So it's like now, there is more of MY mind present than there was in the past... in the past the disorder consumed me to the point, where I didn't have a mind of my own anymore.

I do still.... not enough, because I still get upset over eating to the point that I cant force myself to eat enough, but its there enough for me not have the worst worst behaviors that I did in the past.

I hope you get better.... I know how it feels, and I hope someday you look to recovery

 

I have an eating disorder. I know I have it but there is nothing I would do about it.

I am a comfort eater. I tend to eat lots of cakes and sweets. It is an addiction really. When ever I feel stressed I tend to go for a cake or a chocolate bar. It is kind of my vice but it is not doing me any good.
Matt

 

i think everyone takes comfert in food to atleased some extent, i wonder where the line is drawn that classifys it as a problem. i guess its not too different from any other disorder- its a problem when it consumes your thoughts and actually creates a never-ending stress in your life. do you thnk you have binge-eating disorder?

 

comfort eating is dangerous as it is usually a substitute for a deeper seated emotive,well tahts what i found in my own case and it wasnt too long before it ties in too the other side of a balanced diet.
not trying to scare any body just writing from experience.
if any body cares to pm me to alk directly with a eating disorder i will try my best to help as i hve a history of one in particular.
wishing you all good health and peacefull minds

 

yes, i realize that whether you over eat or undereat, its all just as dangerous.

feel free to share your story, i know atleased i am hearing in your story, and anything else you ahve to say!

 

Yeah I feel absolutely terrible about myself today.

I would love to write about it on something-fishy but it would probably get locked for being "triggering"...almost anything that isn't talking about recovery is locked, and while I'm all for recovery, I still have to deal with these issues.

I ate pretty close to what a normal person would yesterday, and ever since I've been feeling awful about myself. And I exercise like crazy when I feel like that... not even just because I feel awful about everything I ate, but because if I don't do something to keep myself occupied and active, I start to get insane inside thinking about what I ate and how I wish I wouldn't have, and how I feel like I'm a failure for doing so.

I know that I'm wrong feeling those things.... and that eating is essential, not BAD... but for whatever reason, if I tell myself I'm not going to eat a particular thing, or I'm not going to eat at all, and then I do anyway, I feel like I have NO self-control and that I'm just a big failure with no willpower what-so-ever.

I hate it... because one part of me feels all that, and the other, smart part of me knows that's just a silly thing to feel...but I still can't help it!!!

It really is an obsessive compulsive pattern, because I have this constant back and forth, repititive battle inside me all day long concerning the issue.

It's ruining my fucking life.

Now I'm in pain in my hips from walking so much...in pain in my stomach for overdoing the crunches, and my shoulders hurt from walking with a 5 pound weight in each hand. And I just want to cry and stop doing what I'm doing...but if I stop now without help and support, I'm going to go even more mad.

I'm so out of control....

 

And yeah,

Eating is necessary to life, as dietcoketree said once...
And I think that's the catch... if I can't be in control of anything else, then to be able to say NO to something so essential to my being, and tough out the hunger and the pain, I feel as if I have conquered something, and that I have power over something. It's the ultimate thing to be able to say NO to.... if I don't cave in to food, which is vital, then at least there's something that I CAN say no to, and be "strong" with.... because I'm not with anything else...and something as powerful as food, is a big thing to be able to say no to and control....

I know that it's exactly opposite.... but what I feel often controls me, more than what I know.

I'm always caving in to what people want, because I sympathize for others more than I do for myself all too often... and I think then, it leaves me in this position where I need to have a hold of something to make me feel tough and strong and like Im not always caving in and weak....

yeah. that sounds fucked.

 

tears built up reading your post apples.

i dont even know what to say. my body also hurts- yesterday i ate a bread roll that i told myself was just full of carbs and fat and that theres no reason i needed it. but for some reason i just got up and picked it up and ate it. all of it. every-last-crumb..

i ran to the bathroom and started to cry. i knew what i had to do next. but then i came to my senses, and remembered how bad my throat hurts to sing (im a singer) when i purge. so i dried my tears and took me and my full stomach and walked away.

i walked away to the treadmill, where i proceeded to walk 3 miles to burn 300 cals, double the amount in the bread, just incase.

in result i got NONE of my homework done, falling behind in classes and loosing my social life. i know exactly the hurt and turmoil behind each and every one of your words written. now, your doing a lot better than i am considering you getting yourself help and being positive about it, so i hope im not bringing you down. just know that i feel your pain. your not alone. i wish people could realize the things that really make this horror a real pain- its not 'getting skinnier' and just whatever. its those moments where you feel like your fucking worthless cause you cant even control your own self.

 

Yeah, exactly...

Although over-exercise is equally as dangerous, I am still proud and glad you walked away from the bathroom. Even though you went straight for the treadmill, eliminating that one thing because it affects something you enjoy in your life, is a step in a good direction... a small step, but a good one. Because you thought of yourself, and what you enjoy in life to the point where it made you a little stronger.

I hope you realize how brave of you that was, even IF you went to exercise... it was still brave to break that habit, if that's what you'd call it.

Treadmills are addicting though... for some reason I always had more of a problem over-exercising when we had a treadmill in the house, than any other time. I still exercise quite a lot, outside, and inside doing my sit ups and curls, but no where NEAR as much as I did on that treadmill. That's all I would do for hours and hours on end any free chance I got...even if it wasnt really free time, as you said you had to do homework and you didnt... that's exactly why I never graduated high school, and got a GED instead.

If these disorders were just an issue with weight... they wouldn't GET to the point where the person is literally dying, and ruining their life to the point where they can't graduate, work, or talk with friends....and they often do get to that point, before they ever get better.

I know it seems as if I'm doing really well because I'm getting help...but dealing with this relapse feels almost harder than before, because now I have a past to compare to... like, sometimes I feel like "I used to go 10 days without eating a thing...and now I can't go two, I'm a fucking loser" And the fact that I have myself to compare TO myself makes it that much more devastating when I'm trying to recover.

I know that everything I feel is a lie, and is absurd, but it's there, and I can't turn it off like a switch....it takes a lot of hard work,and a lot of emotional turbulence to get to the point where you don't feel that way anymore.

It fucking sucks.