Eating Disorder

that just boggles my mind. i cant even imagine what it would be like to 'be where i want to be.' congrats though, thats awesome!

 

Yeah, I gotta agree with you ^^

It *probably* wasn't an eating disorder, but no one really knows that except you. Like dietcoketree just pointed out, usually when you have an eating disorder [aside from binge eating, that is] you don't have a fixated weight that you want to achieve, the goal just keeps dropping everytime you get to your goal.

BUT, like I said... no one can say if it was or wasn't except you. Maybe you had some traits of an eating disorder without actually be affected by them to get "sick"

dig?

And yeah, either way, congratulations I hope I can do that one day... just stay where I want to with my weight.

 

i think my mom is catching on again. im scared to death.

 

Well update:

I talked to my old eating disorder therapist, who's retired now... and she's being super helpful which is good. She suggested a nutritionist for me, who is familiar with working with eating disorders and...she also suggested something in dealing with my current counselor.

She said I should meet with the dietition and formulate a plan with her, and then bring it to therapy and show my counselor and explain things and tell her that I'm working on it, but woudl like to continue seeing her, and if she feels stuck, that she can give this lady a call, OR my old therapist a call.

I pretty much love my old therapist.

so it looks like things should work out much better than I expected.

I'm still a bit nervous though just because... it's going to take a lot of courage to go through with all this, and it's a big change in my life.

 

i`m actually relapsing a bit as of late as well, as i`ve been under a lot of stress and been sick for three weeks now. the one person who knows a fair amount as far as what i`m going through with my ED now happens to live 45 mins away, and he`s quite distressed. he`s a nurse, and keeps threatening to drive out here and take care of me since i`m obviously not doing such a great job of that on my own. if anyone else were to tell me this, i`d probably get mad but it`s ok coming from josh. i know i should probably be giving some more people at least a heads up that i`m struggling quite a lot, but i`m not sure i`m comfortable doing that. people are bound to start noticing soon though...already gotten some concerned weight- loss related comments from people who have no idea i`m struggling with an eating disorder...i`m just blaming it on being sick.

 

if it was controlling your life and thoughts to the point where YOU thought it was problem then it was probably an E.D

 

apples- im very happy for you!! make sure you keep us all updated. i know i dont know you but i know your story, and its really going into a good direction. i wish you the best of luck. it will be hard, i cant even imagine being in the situation you are as far as openly seeking help, but keep pushing and youll make it through. its inspiring to hear of someone going and GETTING through all this mess. congradulations.

 

not nessesarily, all the models i aspire to be have little or NO muscle. they are just sleek and tiny. you either see bones or the hollow of one. but i agree, people that want to loose weight for the sake of loosing weight should excersize. its when you become obsessive that its a problem.

 

Meh, it's never been about the weight for me really. As it progresses I become obsessed with it, but it's always been like a control thing, and a coping mechanism. I know how dumb it is to take it out on that, but I feel lost without doing so....

it sucks a lot. I wish I didn't feel that way, because I think I'm smarter than that.

 

well thats the whole point. its unattractive to YOU because you dont have this issue, but to me thats like perfection.

its not all about weight though, dont get me wrong, its more of something you can control that no one else really can.

 

If you're trying to recover, or looking to-- the message boards at something-fishy.org is really good...I joined today.

But, you have to be really into wanting to recover for that message board because anything mildly triggering to other girls is forbidden, as are numbers [weight, size, etc] and anything relating to that.

I like the reply-only forums; they have little exercises you can do that I think helps your attitude a little.

Anyway, so I guess it's something to check out if you're interested. The site also has lots of good facts and what not, outside of the forum.

 

I've joined there too.. it is a good site, the girls there are very nice..

 

Yeah I honestly don't see anything sexy about a lot of models and such these days...

The only reason I ever think I'm fat is because I don't see what other people do.

In my head I know that I'm not otherwise I wouldnt be losing weight, or a certain pants size, etc... but when I look down at my tummy, or in the mirror...I see something different from what I know, and it plays tricks on me.

I don't try to get down to that "model size"---it happens because I don't see it.

It's weird, and I hate it with a fucking passion and I wish it would just go away and that I could just see myself from the outside so I wouldn't be so retarded and self-critical.

My problems with eating go far beyond that, but when in the midst of dealing with that sort of thing, looking at myself and seeing something that I think looks terrible, pushes it farther. I want recovery more when I don't look at myself.

So yeah I've been trying to avoid mirrors and such lately.... then maybe I can come to my senses more quickly and easier.

It's not as easy as it sounds though. I'm so used to looking at myself, in the mirror, or otherwise just looking at my arms and stomach and stuff---- I'm not even vain like that either which is the weirdest part. I just have an unhealthy obsession with examining myself.

Like, if I'm up north and I know that ticks thrive there... I will CONSTANTLY be checking myself....like nonstop every couple minutes.

That's how I am just in general.... it's weird :S

 

Oh do I know what you mean. I go through that almost every day of my life. Distorted self image, I never really see myself as I appear to others.

 

i went through a time where i would avoid mirrors at all costs. even seeing my reflection in at window would make me feel just HORRIBLE. i wouldnt even look in the mirror getting ready for school, i think i was a bit OCD about it. however lately, ive been looking in mirrors nonstop. if im watching tv, ill go run to a mirror during a commercial. when im sitting in class at school ill take out a small mirror from my purse.

i dont know what im checking for. i guess what im thinking when i look in a mirror is "did i gain weight since i drank that tea" or whatever. i guess im checking to see if im still 'there,' if that makes sence. its hard to explain, im sure you guys have atleased some idea what im talking about. its not that i like looking in a mirror, cause i dont, i just feel like i neeed to.

 

today has been such a hard day to get through. i hate this.

 

life is a bitch like that.

 

soo... update... hows the week been going?

 

Well, my mom got an appointment for me to see the dietition on Thursday, June 1st. Now my only issue is getting a ride there, because I don't know my way around the city well enough to take myself. I get lost everytime I attempt to drive in the city.

Basically what I gotta do is go in there, have a consultation with her, formulate some sort of plan and the proper exercise I should be doing, etc. and then I gotta go in for two follow ups afterwards to see how I'm doing and where I need improvement or help.

Total, it's going to cost 180 dollars from my pocket which isnt bad but I'm not excited about it either.

Otherwise, I'm not doing so well. It seems to get worse with each passing day. I need to tell my therapist asap... I'll probably have my parents do it because i'm chik'n.

 

things are getting worse with me. im going through a breakup so im really hating myself right nto and trying to supress all these feelings of loss.

its funny- at times i feel sad because ive lost him, but others im just glad that i havnt eaten so atleased i have that going for me. people keep telling me, "you seem like your dealing with the breakup well!" and its just like, "yea. i am." i figured out i could be replacing the hurt with just the mentality to keep going with the habits that keep me sane.

i always loved the quote, "what nourishes me also destroys me." its true with everything ive experienced in my life. wheres the healthy balance? is there one? are there really people out there who will just eat a burger and not freak out, just a little? are there people who actually deal with things? or do we all have a way of destructive self medicating- whether it be seriously destructive or not?

i guess i just cant imagine a way to deal with things productivly. i dont know what 'productive' means anymore.