Eating Disorder

RE: recovery:

it's my view that one reason recovery is so hard, is that 'recovery' is simply defined as 'eating normally', but this isn't recovery in my view.

Recovery must involve no-longer obsessing about weight/food, & this is much more than just eating normally.

It must involve either:

• finding you can eat & not get overweight
• OR you lose desire for food
• OR you stop believing that its necessary to be thin
• OR you lose desire for approval

 

im exactly the same.
i hate eating and i constantly think about wut ive eaten.
i also stopped writing everything down cuz it was all id do.

lately ive been eating like a pig though.
ive been home alot. and high alot.

 

I've recently started "recovery". I put that in quotes just because I am afraid to admit it. Anyway, hugs to all of you with ed's.

 

*hugs* I believe in you, sweetheart. Good luck

 

I've been anorexic for a year. I'm male and 16. actually right now I'm fasting so I can lose some weight. It's kind of an off an on relationship with anorexia sometimes I eat alot then other times I fast, purge and use laxatives. slowly but surely I lose weight. The lowest I've been is 110. the highest 140. my ultimate goal weight is 88 lbs. I still wonder how long I'll have this disorder. I don't want to graduate high scholl with anorexia.

 

I havn't been on this site in a very long time, and i wish i could say ive gotton better. i actually did start to get on the right track for about a month or so, but ive recently just fallen back into my old habits. i missed having a secret of my own for a very long time. i dont know, im just ranting, but i really dont want to get better now.

 

I'm doing "well".
I'm eating like a normal person.
And it was great for awhile.
Now I hate it again.
I feel terrible about myself all over again and think about how much I really want to recover (in a more negative sense) often.

I'm talking with a counselor about it. It's not helping. I just want to go back to what I'm familiar with...

 

And what about the need for control, which I feel is the reason behind most eating disorders?

 

So, as I said before, I went out of state for a week to visit my dad. That week, I was puking so unbeleivably often. It was almost robotic and I definitly both lost control, yet gained it from the feeling of ridding myself.

Now I'm back home and I'm not as desperate to make sure I'm empty. I'm back to my weird eating habits, but I havn't really puked as much as I had been.

Do you guys find that when you are put out of your regular schduale and environment for extended periods of time that you intensify your behaviors?

If so, I think I understand why so many girls loose control at college and become very ill. I can almost feel myself being one of those girls; and I'm not really disgusted by that at all..

 

I think you're right on the money ...and it's odd that I never put two and two together.
When I look back now, it seems some of my most vivid memories of struggling with an eating disorder ocurred on vacations and such. I more distinctly remember falling backwards twice as far while up north than anything.

When I think about the time I felt lowest struggling with bulimia, I immediately think about the summer when I was 16 and we stayed in a lodge up north. This was also the first time my parents caught me purging...they had no clue before; but I was doing it so frequently while I was up there, it would have been near impossible for anyone to miss it. We were at a restaurant, my parents and I, along with my aunt, her hubby, and my cousin... and I excused myself to use the bathroom... I purged, and apparently you could hear it all the way out in the dining area, and my mother rushed to the bathroom and cried for me to open the door... when I did she started bawling...and I felt so embarassed and ashamed to create such a scene, I felt so violated that she caught me, and moreover throughout all the feelings I had being ashamed in myself for going to this length, I was still angry inside, that I couldn't finish purging, and it was all I thought about the rest of the time we sat at that table... I just wanted to go back in there and for everyone to just leave me the hell alone so I could "fix" myself again.

That entire two weeks I spent much of my time sleeping on the couch, when I wasn't purging...and when I was awake, I felt miserable and anxious and didn't feel comfortable if my stomach wasn't growling...even if I hadn't eaten, if I didn't feel hungry, I didn't feel right.

I also bought laxatives when we went into town and kept them hidden the entire time...
and when I look back, I feel terrible about the fact that I probably ruined everyone's vacation being miserable and retarded. I wish I would have enjoyed it too..

I always looked forward to these vacations too, which makes me the most sad about the whole thing... I always grew so fucking chock full with excitment at the idea of going on vacation, but when I'd be there, I'd spend it drowning in my eating disorder.

However, I do know that a big part of it was that there were no scales to keep tabs on how much I was gaining or losing up there...so I think subconciously felt like I had to go an extra mile to be sure that I didn't pack on the pounds. I clearly remember always arriving home from these vacations and running straight to the bathroom to weigh myself...and I became so heavy with anxiety before I stepped on that scale, paralyzed with fear that I'd magically be 10 pounds heavier.

I was definitely a prisoner of the scale. Or rather, the obsessive compulsive habit of checking the scale for approval or disproval of myself.
Getting rid of the scale was the most difficult thing I've ever done, and that's sad. It's sad that through everything I've experience, the single most difficult thing I have done is overcame a fucking hunk of metal.

This fall when I moved out on my own, I didn't have a scale to take with me... I always used my parents' scale, or my ex-roomate's scale..and I panicked like I never had in my entire life when I was there without a scale. My first plan of attack was to go out and buy a scale ASAP... and my fiancee kept begging and pleading that I don't, and threatening that if I did, he would break it and dispose of it... and that if I got another one afterwards, he'd just keep destroying them until I would give up and break free of the stupid thing. I thought to myself, that I'd hide it from him. But the more time I thought about it, and the more time I spent away from a scale because I was too poor to buy one, the less I felt like I needed it.

Now, I finally feel O.K. without it. It took a good three months for the anxiety and panic attacks over not knowing how much I weigh to subside, but it's much better now. There are still times where I feel like I "need" it, in fear that without it I'll become obese and large... I can't trust what I see in the mirror because my self-perception is so distorted, and always has been... so I'm afraid that the same could work in reverse where I might get large and see something else. It scares me sometimes, but I have grown strong enough to control my behaviour. I still do my exercises to keep myself from going mad, and there are times when I still go a bit overboard with the exercise but it's improved a lot... and I'm eating well in the meantime anyhow.

I hope someday I'll be free of all the anxiety that I do still feel time to time regarding my weight... but for now, I'm just proud of how far I've come.

 

btw, dietcoketree, I give you major props for being so real and honest about the way you feel during the struggle... because, that's the most difficult thing to do...it was for me anyway. I was ashamed and embarrassed of the way I felt, that even through counseling I rarely spoke of how I *really* felt. I've been struggling for about 9 years, and just RECENTLY, have I really came out about the feelings that tie together with the disorder.

I never wanted to admit the great deal of competition I felt against others and myself, because I just felt wrong for feeling that way in the first place... I never wanted to tell anyone that I didn't WANT to recover during those points, or that I feared going back to the chubby 10 year old who got made fun of for her weight all the time...
just recently have I fessed up to these things, and I wish I would have sooner.

It was after I read the book "Dying to be Thin" that I realized that what I felt was not at all uncommon (for those with the same disorder) I always felt that somehow my feelings and issues were so far-fetched and different from others so I felt very alone in the entire thing...
but when I read that, I realized that maybe, if I was as open as these particular patients were, maybe I could get the help they did.
The book also did an amazing job of putting my feelings into words for me, because I always had trouble doing that in the first place. So when I saw it in writing, I was actually very excited and relieved ....that I could relate, and that I finally had a way I could speak out to people that were there to help.

Just a few weeks ago was my first time approaching my counselor of my fears of being the fat kid again, and it was by far the most intense, and yet the most sucessful session I had ever had. In that one session, I felt as if I had taken 100 pounds off my shoulders... and through her nodding of understanding, I finally saw light at the end of the tunnel.

Another reason I was always ashamed to admit that I'd been teased, is because I felt like such a big baby for letting it get to me like that. I felt stupid, because I know so many people are ridiculed for similar things, but I took mine to a whole new length. I always downplayed the effect it had on me, because I thought it shouldnt have effected me at all...

however, upon telling her all this, she was quite surprised at how much ridicule I had endured, and let me know that it wasn't surprising at all that I felt the way I did through all that outside pressure.

Anyway, Im done rambling now.

 

Apples I love hearing your insight. You seem to take the words or feelings from way deep down inside me, telling me things I didn't know I knew. The whole thing about needing a scale because you can't trust a mirror to tell you what you look like is exactly me. Almost. I am actually terrified of the scale because I'm afraid it will tell me that I am fatter than I perceive myself to be. The only time I get on a scale is when I truly feel like I am at an okay weight- which has been about a year now.

I also was a fat 10 year old. I remember crying in a bathroom because some girl told me I was fat. I cried and cried and cried. To this day, I try to not think about it because it brings so much shame and humiliation, not to mention self-hatred and immense insecurity.

 

Has anyone been ridiculed for being thin? I was a skinny kid and had people call me names sometimes. Usually it was not meant to be hurtful but a few were rather nasty. Bullies tend to naturally pick on you if you're a skinny kid. I don't know if some people go the opposite way and start trying to gain weight as a response to being ridiculed. I stayed the same weight anyway and tried not to let things bother me too much.

.

 

I don't imagine that anyone's interested because this thread has been quiet a while but I'm up to 110lbs (from 100) and have been there for a couple of months. I still can't find clothes that are small enough though.

 

ive never had either. but i did know of a compulsive lier/attention seeker who claimed to have it. I beleive that she was but only for the attention that she would get from it.

 

I don't doubt that people who are naturally thin have to deal with some type of humiliation (although, you can understand how i might lack in sympathy- as i desperatly want to be TINY), but I do wonder just how bad it is. Fat people are considered lazy... so being teased for being too thin is to say that you are too active? Other little connotations that being 'fat' bring seem so much better if you are talking about the other end of the spectrum (being skinny).

 

i have always been naturally thin, and i got bullied for it - along with other things. the worse the bullying got, the worse i felt, and eventually i stopped eating properly at the age of about 11. i'd eat a pot of yoghurt in the morning and maybe a biscuit at lunch but nothing else. i was at bording school at the time, and i only ate when i went home, and after eating i'd feel sick. it wasn't anorexia, but it wasn't exactly healthy either.

i left that school, and i was okay for a while. i don't know what i am now, but i certainly don't eat properly. i don't eat breakfast, i don't eat lunch and i hate eating my evening meal. every food i look at i can eat once, then i'm sick of it and can't touch it again. i can't eat out at all because i'm so self-conscious. and when i eat or drink anything, i get paranoid that i'm going to be sick.
i don't know if anyone else is like that. i know it's not anorexia or bulemia, so i don't know why i put it here. it comes and goes ever so slightly. the only time i'm truely normal is when i get the munchies
i guess we've all got to find something worth fighting for. my best friend's sister was anorexic and bulemic, then she met her fiance and she got better and they now have two beautiful children. she's a vegan now as well...
peace out, and i hope you can all find faith and happiness within
xx

 

I think its important to understand; An 'eating disorder' is not limited to Anorexia or Bulimia, but those are only two of many. If you can't classify yours, which I can't seem to either, then you fall under the catagory of 'EDNOS,' which means you have distorted eating, but just doesn't meet the criteria of other commen distorted eating. The fact that you hate food and the situtations you find yourself in with it means that there is a DISORDER there, it is just your job to figure out why it is there and what you can do to relieve it. Part of solving the problem is knowing what is wrong in the first place. I hope I've given you atleased a bit of insight!!

 

I was anorexic and bulimic. I was anorexic from age 15 to 21. At age 21, I turned bulimic and was until about 25. It's a rough road. By the time I was admitted to the hospital, I was down to 65 lbs.; my hair had fallen out; periods had stopped. I couldn't get out of bed and was on IV's. Being in the hospital for a total of 16 weeks, my doctor told me that if I didn't eat, I'd die. What brought me to the hospital? Over a period of 3 years, I went from taking 2 laxatives a day up to a whopping 60 pills a day! I'm "dead" serious. My doctor convinced me to turn my life over to him; to give up my control.... I finally turned around. I'm 47 now and still struggle with it every single day of my life going through different eating phases. There's much I can say on this topic, but you can over come it; you just have to learn to live with it. Just as an alcoholic has tendencies, anorexics do, too. Learning to love and accept ourselves for who and what we are is not easy. It takes a lot of work; but, that work will set you free to a certain degree so that you can live your life. Good luck.

 

Thank you very much for your insight. It is good to hear that there is a way out, though at times (and most of the time for me) I don't WANT a way out. I totally agree with the tendencies; I do things that make no sense, but because they are apart of my routine, I cannot left them undone.