Eating Disorder

Apples and diet coke tree: WHen I was in the hospital I kept throwing up my food every time I ate. I wasnt forcing it it would just happen... I wanted to start getting better but my body wasnt letting me... ANd my favorite nurse told me one day, to every morning look myself in the eyes and say that I was beautiful and that I deserved to be healthy and happy. She said I didnt have to believe to just do it every day and that eventually I would start to believe it. Well 5 years later I still look myself in the mirror every day and remind myself that I am beautiful and that I am healthy. IT took a long time to get better and a lot of hard work doing other things... but it is a start and it makes you start to think better of yourself. also I was always told to think of one thing I liked about myself and write it down every day... eventually you end up wtih a really long list of great things about you...

anyway I just thought I would let you guys know some things that helped me Because I want you to feel better and you deserve to feel better!

 

thanks katmeow. i know im not a terrible person, and im sure there are good things about me. its just hard to see those things soemtimes when its hidden under an ugly girl is how i think of it in my head.

 

It seems as though anorexics view life as a competition, where the thinnest person wins, as if some point someone will say STOP & then everyone will be examined to find the thinnest person, & that person will be rewarded with all the money & boyfriends/girlfriends they want. But of course the sad truth is that there is no end to the 'competition'

Apples, 3000 sit-ups is an enormous amount, I initially couldn't believe it, but having done a calculation I can see that it is possible. How long does it take? & what do other people make of it? or do you do it in secret?

 

coketree, do your parents know you have an eating disorder? & if so, what do they make of it?

 

I tend to disagree with the competition thing, only because... I'm terrified of competition becauuuuse of my low self esteem...if that makes any sense. It's more or less a competition with MYSELF...if that makes any sense. I get great TEMPORARY satisfaction out of doing something extravagent and almost inhuman... and then I just want to keep pushing myself further because it's like I keep thinking "i can do even better than THIS yet!" ...yet, I never tend to compare myself to others that way... its just this inner competition between me, myself, and I. A competition between my logic/common sense/natural instincts and a competition between how I feel, and what I want for myself.... and it's very difficult to win against yourself...

Blah, i can't explain it very well.

for 3,000 it takes me about an hour or hour and a half... but that's with taking small rests. I go pretty quickly and put an enormous amount of vigorous effort...

My fiancee is usually the only one to witness my sit up/exercise binges like that, and he doesn't approve, and he usually gets very upset about it and tries to talk to me about it and warn me that I'm going to end up severely hurting myself..
But otherwise I try to keep it private...and I dont even like doing them in front of him, but sometimes I do.

Oh, and to add to that... the sit up thing is also one of my competitions with myself...I used to tell myself 1,000 was enough, and I wouldn't go over that...but that didnt last long...now I find myself wondering that maybe i could get up to 5,000... I think its common for anorexics/bulimics to constantly push their own envelope... Although, Im still trying to figure out what drives me to be this way... and why I dont feel comfortable NOT being like this...

I don't really know why but there are certain parts of my disorder I tend to keep more secret than others.... and bulimic tendencies have always been much harder for me to admit to, and be open about than anything ever has. And exercise is technically included into that because I have this binge purge cycle... although i dont usually technically binge, I "feel" like I am because Im not used to eating ilke a normal person.

Its so complicated to explain, and I try to summarize, but its not something you can summarize...

Even after coming to this thread at least once a week, if not more often, for months, I still have so much I could say and explain... that's why it's so difficult for even top professionals to treat... it's EXTREMELY complex, and intricate.

 

RE: the word 'better':
It makes me sad to think of someone doing so many sit-ups, it must be very boring & also painful. I do stomach exercises myself, but only about 100. I used to exercise excessively & it was a kind of 'self-punishment'

I've looked back at some of the early posts, & i think you really hit the nail on the head when you said
"I can't even get into detail because it's almost too gutwrenching to physically type it out... "
I have to say its gutwrenching for me to write this out, but its all to do with fear & being willing to explore that; & its important not to rush into this, or else it wont work, & could even cause further emtional problems. I wrote more on this but deleted it.

I can relate to what you say & am always interested to read your comments

 

to your earlier question solar, no my mom does not know i have an eating disorder. she knows that i am 'weird' about food, as it causes many fights and arguements, but to my knowledge, she doesnt think 'bulimic.' my dad, who i visit a couple tiems a year, also thinks there is something funky about my eating habits, and will often tell my grandma to 'make sure i eat.'

they probably all know deep down that there is a problem that is more than "im just not that hungry" or "my stomach hurts," but its too painful to admit for everyone. there are times even when i feel like im normal and there is nothign wrong with me except that im fat. ive visted this thread many times thinking, "im glad i dont have to have that problem."

IRONICALLY ENOUGH THOUGH... i started this thread so i know that my thinking is messed up; and soon after i tell myself im oaky, ill go into binge mode or ill feel my stomach growling and force myself to keep busy so as not to eat.

i found out recently that this girl who im friends with is bulimic, and she doesnt know that i know. i feel a rush when im around her; a fire inside of me, and i compare every aspect of our bodies that i can. i look her her arm, look at mine, decide who "wins", (whose is skinnier), and then do another body part. and i just watch her go about her day as she always has, all the while thinking, YOU THROW UP. the thought pounds my head. im not becoming obsessed with her or anything, but whenever shes around, my mind fixates between wanting to tell her and just wanting to look better than her.

i feel so bad because shes such a nice girl :/

 

Dietcoketree (by the way I LOVE your screen name)-

I can understand the competition thing I was (still am like that) It was actually the worse for me when i was in the hospital because WEll when meal time came around I was around 10 other anorexics... dinner was a whole competition... But yes the rush is still there when I know ima round some one with an eating disorder...
Just remember that its your distorted thinking...

Im just wondering Coketree.... are you trying to get better, wanting to get better or still trying to admit that you have a problem... Im just curious to see hwere you are in all this. You seem like such a nice girl.

 

I hate my boss. He called me into his office and laid into me for being too thin and for the fact my clothes are too big for me. When I said I had an eating disorder he wisely informed me "No you dont you're not a teenage girl."

P.S. I've actually gained another 1lb (I'm up almost 2lbs this month)

 

i am 17. ive had food issues since i was about 9. it became a 'problem' about 4 years ago, and i think at this point i really am still trying to deny the problem. i know inside of me that i feel very uncomfortable in situations and im very sensitive to anything referring to my body. i know that i have habits that i dont realize i try to hide, but i do because deep down i know that they are not normal.

some days i feel that because im so fat that there is no way i can have an eating disorder because those girls are 'skinny.' yet i know somethings not right because every night i have to get rid of my trash (filled with vomit) and mask the smell that ive now become used to.

im glad you think im a nice girl, lol, i think your very sweet to talk to also.

 

thats bullshit and discrimination, don't take that kind of crap from your boss.

 

absolutely right
descrimination & totalignorance

 

aloneinabigbadworld: That was a horrible thing for your boss to say to you... And you should be soo proud of yourself for gaining those two pounds! I hope you are doing well.

Dietcoketree: thanks for sharing... sounds like we have a lol of the same food issues... and about the same time frame of having them... I hope that someday you can fully admit that you have a problem and get help... because Happiness is possible!

 

What would you suggest I do? I can be a bit of a push over (and OCD about the perfect employee workwise) at work, so speaking to my boss about it scares the sh** out of me.

I spoke to my therapist about it and she focused more on the progress I was making and ensuring I didn't let what my boss said get to me.

 

i havnt eaten in two days and im feeling that high that i get when i do this and im realizing that i truly dont know why id get better. yea, it be nice to eat with everyone else, but nothing is worth this feeling of lightness and control.

im not trying to put a trigger out there, im sorry if this is not helpful but if im being honest, thats how i feel.

 

here i go again another article from a uk paper, for those of you stateside Lena Zavaroni was a uk child talent show winner who died from anorexia .
i post this in the hope it will help you get out of the lifestyle.
i was thinking earlier today that for those who are worried about losing something of the qwirkiest mental sides of this illness i have to confess that a lot of what happens in my mind now is similar to when i was ill but i am a lot more stable and calm nowadays,well to some extent but those are other issues for another day.
heres the aticle.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/yourlife/health/tm_objectid=17859029%26method=full%26siteid=94762%26headline=exclusive%2d%2di%2dhaven%2dt%2deaten%2dfor%2d6%2dyears%2dbut%2dlena%2dwanted%2dme%2dto%2dstay%2dalive%2dand%2dhelp%2dother%2dvictims-name_page.html

 

well I agree you should be focusing more on your progress at this point, because its best for YOU... if you get too heated up about what others say, I think it will definitely interfere with your recovery...

However, if he says anything again, I would definitely do something about. Whether you want to speak up, or if you want to report him. Saying personal, discriminitave things like that are not typically legal or OK in a workplace like that as far as I'm concerned...

This one time, let it slide, and focus on yourself...if he does it again though, don't let him get away with that.

 

Oh and if he does do anything again, like that, let me know and I can gather as much "legal" info as I can for you... my fiancees mother is a paralegal. But as far as I know, at least in the state of Wisconsin, even SAYING discriminating phrases such as that aren't legal.

Even just co-worker to co-worker regardless of whether or not their position is higher than yours... I know a company can get into a lot of trouble for that.

We had a guy here, where I work... a construction facility, that is... that was a racist, and worked with one of our Jamaican employees and gave him hell for it everyday... legally OUR company could have been sued though it wasnt something we seen or heard. So, eventually, my dad the vice president here, had to pull him [the racist] from the company because he was making our place of work very anti- equal oppurtunity/affirmative action.

I don't know if these laws vary from state to state, on what is considered discrimination or not... but I do know for sure, that what you dealt with is HARASSMENT and I'm pretty sure that's not legal anywhere...in the work place, or not.

 

so, as we all know, an E.D. is NOT about loosing weight, but more a reaction to how we feel about our lives and an attempt to make it 'better.' im starting to see some other emotional problems i have.. there are three guys that i genuinly like and they dont know about eachother. im not dating any of them, although im feeling and hearing from people that they are all about to ask me to be thier girlfriend. they dont know about eachother; as one is from work, one from school, and one in another school district. WHY do i put myself in impossible situations like this? i dont want to choose, though i know i will eventually have to because at one point or another, the level of friendship with one will be carried to the next level. ive been stressing about the desicion i know ill soon have to make and then realized that its been three days that i havnt eaten, aside from a binge that i 'took care of.' i dont know what to do and am scared to loose any one of them.

anyone have simular problems presesntly or in the past? i dont understand why my life seems to revolve around getting involved in impossible senerios, thinking i can solve them by not eating. :/

 

Thanks for the offer but this is Texas and I think anything that the boss says here goes. I'd argue there was something diferent between racism and what he did.

The weirdest thing about this is my therapist says that anorexia isn't something I can necessarily 'fix.' I keep looking for things that I can do that will make me feel better tomorrow and my therapist keeps telling me to give it time, that it'll come when it comes, but I might never be 'better.'