Eating Disorder

Eating disorders and all the insults that you have taken for being overweight must be terrible. We are bombarded with TV commercials showing the thin chicks. The females have been programmed to feel inferior if they are heavy......this programming might be impossible to dismantle for some people so they become mentally ill.

Can you focus on a beautiful career where you are needed. You can beat the slim chicks by being better educated than them and making youself valuable for business.....A beautiful mind and heart are far more valualbe than a beautiful body.

Break the mental programming since it wrong and shallow.

 

This may seem like a couple of retarded question. I've been good about going to the therapist and nutritionist. I try to live by the diet. I've actually gained weight in the last couple of weeks but I'm down to 103lbs (which I don't think I've weighed since I was 11 or 12) and I still think I've got a gut when I look in the mirror. In addition, I hate it because Ive lost so much weight I can't go into stores and find any clothes that fit me. The smallest waist Ive found for guys is 28 and they still hang off me. Any idea how long it take before I see an improvement (my therapist says it's good my weight has stabalized, but it might take time before I see any meaningful gains 'that stick')? And where I can find clothes that fit me?

 

It takes a while when your body has been in starvation mode for so long. Especially because you exercised so much, your metabolic rate is probably still pretty good, and burning off calories a lot quicker than it would in some people.

Lots of anorexics find that they only gain about a pound every couple weeks. It might take a while, but its worth the wait isnt it?

As for clothes that fit you... I wish I could help, but I'm not a guy so I dont know much about that. For girls its fairly easy because they make such a wide variety of sizes.

 

I struggled with anorexia from the time I was 9. I didn't notice it then, I just started eating less and less until I ate nothing at all.
At 11, I went on a 3-month fast that hospitalized me. I got so sick, all I remember is laying in my grandma's lap one night, freezing cold and shaking. My skin was pure white, my lips were blue, and I couldn't move, couldn't even hold myself up. My mom got off work (we lived with my grandparents because my parents were going through a horrible divorce) and took me to the hospital. I remember bright lights, at least 3 or 4 different doctors (two pediatrics specialists and one or two "normal" ER doctors) and a few nurses. I remember one of the nurses picking me up and saying something, "She must weigh about 60lbs." and then being put on a bed, and IV's and a catheter and not much else, except that I was cold. I woke up and I was surrounded by tubes and monitors and there was a nurse in my room at all times.
That was when they tried to start "recovery". I had a psychologist, a regular pediatrician and all of the nurses in the office knew who I was and why I was there. My mom had to go into my Elementary school (grade 4 and 5) and tell my teachers what was going on, and leave a long list of emergency numbers. I was going to the doctor/pychologist at least 2-3 times a week, and I had blood work every week. They put me on a "regular diet" and some sort of pills that made me hungry, and if I didn't eat, they made me throw up bile and stomach acid. The doctors said that, with nothing to absorb it, the acid was starting to eat my stomach.

That's when I learned to hide it. I started throwing up the food that I was forced to eat, and lying about what I had eaten while I wasn't home (which was nothing at all). I learned all of the lies to tell, the people to tell them to... how to hide the fact that I wasn't eating, how to make it look like I weighed more than I did at the doctors' office.. basically all of the tricks that an anorexic learns, over time.

Then I started eating normal again. I didn't really notice, it was as if nothing had even happened before. I would eat normal for a while, fast or purge for a while, etc. I gave up on trying to recover, because I got tired of it. I would fight so hard, and then I would relapse, which made me feel terrible about myself for going BACK to the disorder, and then I would recover, feel bad for gaining weight, relapse, feel bad for relapsing... it was a vicious cycle. So when I was 16, I decided that was it. I wasn't trying to recover any more. Enough doctors and psychologists had already given up on me, I wasn't about to give up on myself and just die, so I figured I would deal with it the best way I knew how.

Now, especially being married and my own and my husband's health being a top priority, I just have a few rules for myself AND my husband. I don't buy junk food, and when I buy grocieries, I only buy healthy foods (100% whole wheat or multigrain bread, lean meats, nothing processed, etc) and when we eat, we NEVER eat until we're "full" - just satisfied, not hungry any more. He works construction and I'm a housewife but we also have a dog, so we both get "regular" amounts of excersize every day, nothing incredibly excessive. We don't eat a lot of candy or sweet stuff and when we do, it's home-made so I know exactly what's in it. Pretty much just basic "healthy living" rules have helped me stay on track with what I SHOULD be eating and how much I SHOULD be excersizing, instead of eating too little and excersizing too much.
I still have "issues" occasionally, but my husband knows that he is allowed to tell me I need to eat something if I haven't for a while, and I listen when he tells me to because I know he's just looking out for me. It's kept me from completely relapsing for over a year now.

 

I almost died of embarassment this afternoon. I was complaining about clothes to my neighbour and she gave me some of her son's old clothes, saying they should fit me. They did, but her son's 13, so thats not a realistic solution.

 

Sorry to hear. I had the same experience not too long ago... only fitting in girls' clothes, the only problem with me is, as much as they fit me everywhere, they arent ever long enough. Im fairly tall for a woman, and its hard enough finding adult sizes that are long enough.

 

I hate it and can hardly buy them, the vendors would think I was creepy. My therapist says my goal should be at least 126lbs, which means almost a yr if I gain 1lb every 2 weeks.

How is it possible that when I see myself in the mirror I look fat when I'm too thin to fit into adult clothes?

 

i really wish i had that problem... i wear like a 9 or 7 if im having a skinny day. id kill to have 00's hang off of me. what do you guys know about greafruit juice and its effect on your stomach and all that? ive started drinking it throughout the day in hopes that it has the benefits i hear it does...

 

Trust me you wouldn't. I've got to learn to be 'happy with the skin I'm in' as it were.

 

Ah-hah, yes, but I'm sure you know deep down, as well as I do...that you will never be satisfied. As someone with an eating disorder, you could weigh 10 pounds, and still want to lose weight. You know what I'm saying? Even if you got to the point where 00s were hanging off you, you wouldn't see it as an accomplishment for long before you wanted to lose more weight.

And trust me on this one, because I've been down that road several times. I told myself just a week ago if I got down to 110 lbs. I'd be happy. I got down to 110 lbs. I'm not happy, now I want to lose more.

And it's always been this way throughout the entire 9 years I've struggled with an eating disorder. Nothing will ever satisfy...because even if you don't realize it now, its really not about losing weight...its coming from something inside. And losing that weight isnt going to fix whatever problem youre dealing with inside...

Don't take this the wrong way, but youre still young, and its very easy for you to believe it may all be about the weight....but over time you will realize there is much more to it. It's NEVER all about the weight. When all survival instincts are put aside like that, theres much more to the problem than just being dissatisfied with your weight.

 

i cant answer that, but i can say that it happens to most people with eating disorders. I get it all the time. I know Im thin, because I fit in tiny pants and I'm considered underweight by doctors... yet, when I look in the mirror, down at my stomach, or even at photographs of myself, I don't see the thin that I *know* inside, is there.

 

coketree, did you see my post #466 ?

 

Does it go away when you gain weight or am I stuck with it now?

 

i get up at 5am on the weekdays because i have to attend a Morman seminary in the morning before school that starts at 6am. i do not beleive in the beleifs; but my mom is very strict and does not leave it optional to me to attend or not.

i dont NEED to work on the weekends, but they are nice hours to have in the sense that im usually done by noon so my day isnt filled with work.

i totally realize i need more sleep, now more than ever especially. i literally have been falling asleep in my classes and no matter how hard i try to stay awake, i will doze off and not be able to concentrate.

i feel im overall just exhasted; barely any sleep, the whole eating thing, and im busy all the time doing something for someone always.

im sorry i didnt respond earlier Solar.

 

i've never had any eatting disorders myself, but some of youprobably know that ihave had experience with freinds who have, many may remember the thread my dear freind ana started (shes doing muchbetter by the waythanks in part to allthe support she received from folks here) i was reading throughmany of these posts, i did skip past a bunch & will gobacktothem after, but it really is refreshing & good to see everyone openly & honnestly discussing this hetre..&not in a way toreinforce the diseases hold onyou.., i thinkit was apples & oranges who brought upthe important point that although food is the issue that consumes your minds..food..weight..size.. the real issues haveabsolutely nothing to do with these things
diettree thisz is really just a guess, but, i'mthinking we should be discussing more about your relationship withyour stricty mourmon parents ..in particular about how theymake yopu feel about yourself?
almost always these issues can be traced back to the wayyouve been treated, by parents, or peers (especialy stupid high school kids) in those cases its often a jealousy/competetionthing or just downright meanness..even the most beautiful &thin girls can be made tofeel fat &uglywhenthat idea is crammed intotheyre heads over &over..but often its not even that, but an overall feeling of worthlessness, orr hopelessness, of having no real control of theyre own lives..so..food..weight..at least thats 1 thing you can control, evenif it kills you..but does it solve anything? no, because the things inyour life that you really want tocontrol are still not under your control..say fuckit & sleepin..your your own person, youneed totake control of your life..not let your life controlyou (are you controlling your weight? or has it taken complete control of you?)
i would like tohear some of you try to discuss some of your triggetrs..search backinyour lives tothose things that really started the feelings that eventualyled to your disorxders..understanding & reversing the effects of those will be more helpfull i think then discussing the actual weight/food issues

 

sorryihad togoback & pick this apart, because asistated in last post, ithinktheres a few veryimportant things youve said here without realizing it...1 your family, theyre beliefs & stricktness..& theyre unwillingness to let you make your own choices, (perhaps even making you feel evilor worthless for not accepting theyre beliefs) leaves you little room to feel free & in control...

this is fairly typical as well, always doing everything to please someone else..& it never being enough..working yourself to the breaking point..all for theyre approval...(same with weight..if i only lost 10 more pounds everyone would like me) but even if it was possible to be totaly perfect in everyonres eyes, does it matter if your stillmiserable?
what makes you happy besides the empty happiness you thinku can get from not eatting (wich uknow willnever really make u happy)..forget what everyone else wants fromyou..what would make u happy..even if its totaly opposite of what they want?..thats what u need to find out..and do..& stop caring what the hellthey expect fromyou...expectations can be deadly especialy when they expecty more then u can give, or something contradictary to your personalityor beliefs..

 

your mind tricks your eyes...close them...& feel...your hands feeling the ribs..hips..bones protruding..cant be tricked..it takes conceously retraining yourself how to see yourself as you truly are to breakthat mind trick..but your hands wont lie to you..you wont be able to feel a belly that doesnt exist...1 freind told me its also a matter of how ulook (not see) at yourself, iforget exacrtly what she said, but..it was something along the lines of, (may get this backwards?) looking down your body, instead of at it..straight on..i dont know exactly what she meant, but it was like the angle or something made it impossible to see fat where there reallly was a concave indented belly?
allican say is,you cant trust your eyes or mind..

 

Soaring eagle you really have some great insight and understand eating disorders well more than most people with active eating disorders do. It is all about the core issues self esteem and ho wpeople have treated you in the past. a lot of getting better is learning how to control and express your feelings. And how to stop worrying about others all the damn time and start worrying about yourself. and what is best from you. I still struggle with that one, however I have gotten much better at expressing feelings... I jsut wnated to say thanks for posting!

 

yes, soaring eagle, i thouroughly enjoyed reading your posts. i think the fact that you have known and been affected by people who have had to deal with the disorder makes you unbiased and uniquely knowledgeable. thank you for you insights.

you hit the head on the nail with how my family just ties me down and makes me feel worthless because im not 'mormon' and like them; so thats hard to deal with.

i know i think im 'dealing' wth it, but im really not.

this past week ive tried really hard to just eat when im hungry but ive never felt so fat, and i KNOW that i really and done eating 'healthy' for now. im just not ready.

 

I'm not sure if you know "inbloom" but I think he put it best when he described it as a mental disorder that has an effect on your weight and eating behaviors... the eating behaviors aren't actually the mental disorder, its a product of it...if that makes any sense. He doesn't have one, by the way, he just knows it pretty well because I have been talking to him for years, and another girl we both know has dealt with eating disorders as well.

There are soooo many things that its difficult to pin point one or even several, because there is MORE than several incidences/feelings/life changes that has aided in the developement and progression of my eating disorder.

I guess the biggest thing though, is that... as a child I was really good at everything [not to sound too arrogant] ---I was always praised for my good grades, positive attitude, friendliness, artistic skills, etc--- but one thing I never seemed to do was make choices for myself. I seemed to rely on my parents to make choices for me...what kid doesn't? But when the transition came, when I got into junior high and parents and teachers both were like, "this is all on you now...soon you will be in high school, then college" I didn't know what to do, and I instantly started feeling like a failure. Not to mention because of this big transition, the kids around me were different too... focusing on boys, and fashion, and all sorts of stuff I never even really thought about. I became insecure, aside from their ridicule, simply because I felt so out of control just being left with this "here you go, grow up now" type of thing, and then, on TOP of that, because I had always done exceptionally well, I had a LOT to live up to.

I remember in 6th grade, I got a B in communications.... my parents were livid, especially my dad, because in all honesty, that year the school was going to make me go to the high school for English class, because my communications tests showed that I could comprehend college level english studies... It bothered me so much when my parents were livid, not only because it was the first time I ever upset them when it came to school and smarts, but because I was livid with myself as well. I knew I could do better than a B, but everything was falling apart around me, because not only did I have to live up to such an expectation when it came to school, but I had to live up to expectations of my peers as well...and I was failing horribly when it came to that. I didn't fit in anywhere, and I was the ugly, fat kid with glasses and curly hair... or at least thats what all the kids at school told me. I felt as if every achievement and failure, therefore related to that.... I cant explain how I made that connection, but that's what seemed to happen as a result of all this shit going on around me when I just wanted to keep going as I had known things to be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm 20 now, and know the importance of responsibility and change, but when you're 10 and 11 years old... that's not something you comprehend. it's not something that a lot of children, like me, had an easy time dealing with and juggling. And it wasn't something I ever discussed with my parents, BECAUSE I didn't understand it. Aside from the B I got, they always told me I was so wonderful at everything...so to me, there wasn't really anything to talk about. they thought I was perfect, so I had to BE perfect.

When I quit ballet at 10, not only were my parents upset because they were "so proud" of their little ballerina and then I just wanted to stop, but I also gained a lot of weight because then I wasn't as active, and I got ridicule from relatives aside from peers at school.

And, still, today this day, I have this ridiculous idea planted in my head that if I can resist food, I'm beyond human...and I was RAISED to be beyond human. You see, my dad was a real perfectionist, and I was supposed to be perfect because of that... and I had to excel at everything, and I certainly wasn't excelling at my weight control. It made me so frustrated that I could seem to do everything else so well, but I couldn't get my body under control.

Either way, my body wasn't my main concern, it was the control behind it. I'm not like and never have been like those girls who can eat like normal humans and stay very thin.... I'm basically naturally pretty big ...because when I eat even UNDER 2000 calories, I gain weight easily. And because that is something that is out of my control...because I can't control the body and structure I was born with it frustrates me. I can be whatever I want to be if I put my mind to it with ANYTHING else, except that.

So basically I'm still ridiculous in that sense, because I still feel a twinge of superiority in myself [not in comparison to others, dont get the wrong idea] when I can resist food. I mean, you eat food survival, and everyone has the natural instinct to eat when they are hungry... and when I resist that I feel as if I have some beyond human control for being able to say no to something that is so powerful as weird as that sounds.

However, I KNOW how ridiculous it all is the same sense. I'm not stupid, and I know that what I feel isn't right. I know that it's actually more out of control to resist something so important like food... but I still haven't figured out how to get around that. I am really trying, and I have my good times and bad times. I've been eating well the past week...and although I loathe every minute of it, I've been DEALING with it. But I know that without proper help or a proper strategy of my own it won't last, because of the anxiety I feel. Just the other day I started crying because I can't seem to resist food right now, and it's driving me nuts. It's not even so much that I feel fat [even though I do] as much as it is, that when these periods of insatiable hunger take over and I can't control it, that out of control feeling bothers me...and I think that whole feeling out of control, is what makes me "feel" fat. Because "feeling fat" doesn't exist. That's not a feeling. I really believe it's a metaphor...but whatever that's just my opinion, from my own experience.

And although I've been eating well the past week, I've been stupid about it, because then if I get anxious about it, i'll go and do 3,000 sit ups to compensate for what I've ate.... and just two days ago I ended up pulling a muscle in my back because of that, and had trouble moving the next day...without being in excruciating pain.

I do want to point out, as a random note, that I just moved out of my friends apartment into my own with my fiancee... I have no scale at our new place, and as much as everyone close to me feels that that's a good thing, it's really not. It's basically tempting me more to deprive myself of food again, because I don't have something to tell me "You're not getting fatter"...I don't know if I am or not, I cant trust my eyes... so I simply want to prevent myself from losing control again, and the scale is what tells me whether I still have the control I desire. Does that make any sense? Maybe not healthy sense...but...

Anyway.... I think these are the main things.

I can write more later...

And if you have any ideas to "reverse" it as you said.... feel free to tell me, I'm open to any ideas... I may rely a lot on my eating disorder, but I don't particularly enjoy it.... all the time, anyway.