Eating Disorder

i'm sorry my posts jump around so much. when i read what you all write, i make mental notes in response to points you make and just list them out .

i wonder if there is a healthy way to have an eating disorder. if you can only eat 1000 calories a day, but be healthy? take calcium and lots of multivitamins, and eat a little from each food group? maybe?

whenever i'm calculating my calories, if i end up at 1700, i'm slightly disappointed. if i'm at 1300, i'm satisfied. if i'm at 1000 or less, i feel good about myself. but if i get to 2000, i get angry. because "fat people eat 2000 calories".

my mom has never directly admitted to it, but i know she has had an eating disorder for most of my life. she's eating "normally" now, and it kind of disgusts me. she buys all this junk food, and makes herself these disgusting, cheesy, greasy pastas. i would rather be like me than be like her.

um... what else is there to say? i just got back from camping out in the woods for a few days, and we barely had anything to eat. before that i did some ecstacy so i didn't have much of an appetite for a while. half of me says i'm doing good. half of me says, go eat some cookies.

... i'm not being helpful. i'm sorry. i know what i want to look like, it's a control thing AND a vanity thing, and honestly, i don't see myself "getting better" until i look that way.

 

I suffered from anorexia -bulimia on weekends, when eating with friends or family were necessary- last year. It was hell, I forgot I could feel *happy*! I was so depressed because of it (no, not the other way around), and went through spastic mood swings where I would be hysterical, and smiling and normal 5 minutes later. Every day I thought about how I lost myself (stopped hanging out with friends almost entirely, so i could avoid any food situations, felt exhausted after working a 5-hour shift, couldn't concentrate in school, hated myself, blocked out all of my hobbies so I could focus on calories and weight 100%). It started off as wanting to lose 10 pounds, but even after that tripled I was still wanting to lose more, so one day I called my mom from school and blurted out everything, and started seeing a dietician and psychologist.

Basically, recovery was even harder than dealing with the ED, maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was so worth it. Climbing that hill was exhausting, but the sunset was so worth it! I love me and I love my life now and, even on the bad days, I wouldn't change a thing ^.^

 

An eating disorder is never healthy, and not so much because of the physical aspect but because of the mental aspect. There have been times where I have considered myself still "disordered" simply because of my frame of mind, and that frame of mind is never healthy to have. It will affect your life in other ways, aside from what you're eating, how much, if you purge, whatever. And no matter how well you may doing with eating NOW, if you carry that frame of mind for a long period of time, it can turn into something physically dangerous. Women especially are at major risk when it comes to restricting calories because of our reproductive systems. In my nutrition counseling, I have learned that it takes about 500 calories a day for the reproductive organs alone to function properly. If over a period of time, your body isn't absorbing the calories you need because you're restricting them, it will shut down the reproductive organs [hence why anorexics miss periods] because the body wants to grab those extra calories.

While that might sound like not such a bad deal, considering you don't have to deal with monthly cramps and the whole lot, what that actually does is fool your body into thinking your menopausing [no lie] and your body starts to age quicker.

Athletic women also need to be careful of this, because if they aren't eating enough calories compared to the calories they burn off, they can develop amenoreah as well. I actually know a LOT of girls in high school who were in a bunch of after school sports, that didn't actually have an eating disorder, but lost their periods due to the high impact exercising and not enough calories taken in to compensate.

I'm sure you know as well as I do, that this still isn't healthy. The problem with an eating disorder though, is just that. It tricks us into actually believing that this acceptable. 1600 calories a day in itself for prolonged periods of time is referred to as semi-starvation, and can be completely physically dangerous if you're also exercising. Many people who go through weight watchers and other weight loss programs in which calories are restricted to around 1500 calories a day, end up having problems in the future with keeping a healthy weight because it starts to screw with their metabolic rate. My nutritionist was telling me that one of her clients, never actually had an eating disorder but was in and out of things like weight watchers for many years, and now actually has an issue with being overweight and can't seem to drop the pounds because it screwed with her over a period of time.

I can tell you right now though, that your situation is like mine from the sounds of it, and I know that even if I ate 2000 calories a day and stayed the same weight I am now, I still wouldn't be pleased because of the control issue.

Yeah, still, eating junk food isn't healthy or normal either. Eating too much junk can be just as dangerous as anorexia, physically. People all too often forget this, and forget that being overweight is just as unhealthy as being underweight. The goal is to eat a well balanced diet, and find an ideal weight...

 

I'm glad you're doing better now, that's great!!!!

The thing you mentioned with mood swings is actually hysteria caused by starvation. Although the disorder itself screws with your mind, starvation in itself starts to really eat away at your mental health as well. Which is a big part of why it's so hard for those who have been struggling for a while, to get out of it. The wear and tear that the starvation mixed with the disorder itself on your brain definitely acts as a huge obstacle and barrier to recovery.

But as you have proven, it is entirely POSSIBLE to recover, and it makes me so happy to hear peoples success stories. Good for you!

 

so who here has recovered from an ed but still has mental traumas and what areas do they cover if this is not too intrusive.
i always had a temper but since recovery suffer violent fantasies.I have walked out of two jobs because of violent episodes and have to be very carefull who i trust and have anything to do with.
i am sure that the extremes of the fantasies are entwined with my former anorexic state of mind.
unfortunately even though i know that the violence is wrong even in a fantasy which i cant control i often enjoy them at least untill the guilt sets in.
any body else have related problems.

 

not recovered. but i do have little "mind things" that bother me throughout the day. during the day multiple times, i will just totally and completely space out and relive out in my head a past memory or something that might happen or something totally unrelated. i dont do drugs.. (just fyi- im not high). anyways, ill become so detatched from reality that i forget whats going on and when i 'come back,' i will sometimes get up really fast and then i get a major headrush and everything fades to black.

 

*hugs* Thank you, sunshine And the hysteria thing- it's scary, but isn't the whole damn thing just a horror story? Thanks for clearing that up, it makes perfect sense!

 

yeah but head rushes are enjoyable so is day dreaming and being non drug spaced.
what about more extreme mind set,after all we have all tried to starve ourselves to death, or is that just me.

 

hmm. i just went to a 3 day bluegrass festival and did a lot of ecstasy, drank a lot of water, barely ate, and lost a lot of weight. two raves, another 3 day bluegrass festival, and the state fair are all coming up this month. i'm kind of beginning to realize the distortion is real, and i really am too thin, and i really never will be able to look in the mirror and say "okay, i'm done. i'm happy with myself now"... no matter how small i get i will always feel fat. i am going to try really hard to just stay where i am now and not try to lose any more. i'm going to try to weigh myself and find out how far off from average i am . i'm terrified of getting too thin and terrified of gaining anything...

it kind of sucks. a lot. i wish i could just be one of those girls who is really tiny and eats whatever she wants.

<3 i love you all. go eat something and don't feel bad about it. right now.

 

i would go for a week of eating nothing but one slice of whole wheat bread and a gallon of water and a cup of orange juice and a cup of milk a day then the next day i would eat a regular meal then go back to eating one slice of bread and drinking all those liquids and then i would change it up to just eating a piece of fruit and liquids or some veggies finally aftera year i relized how stupid and unhealthy it was for me and started to eat normally.

 

you just stopped??

ive also gotton very good at this whole thing. i dont even get really hungry anymore. and ive been running my ass off. i hope i mean that literally. i start everyday with some fiber cereal (no milk) and thats it for the day.

totally aside from the whole eating thing, or it appears to be, ive been feeling really empty inside. i almost feel so empty that it doesnt bother me anymore; like im numb and it doesnt matter whether i feel good or bad because its all the same anyways. my relationship with my mom is yet again going through a rough stage and we havnt talked in days. i just feel ugly all around. school is starting up again, my senior year, and its so scary for me to think that in one year, ill have to go out into this world and DO something. ill be on my own.

and then i think, "i hope i dont binge nonstop since my mom wont be around." like, i think thats what im most afraid of.

im kind of glad though- with all these issues, i dont really have time to worry about 'normal' things. i dont know if thats really a benefit or disadvantage yet.

sorry, my thoguhts are mixed up and all over the place. good to get some of the crap out of my head though.

 

I started getting anxious again last night over this whole thing.

I keep attempting to get better, but then when I start to improve, I relapse again because I get too upset. I was trying to eat really well for the past month or so, and I gained 4 pounds... which is NOT a lot at all, especially over a month's time of eating double to triple what I was eating months ago.

But, it wasn't as much the weight as much as I have been upset that I can't seem to resist hunger pangs anymore. Saying "no" to hunger pangs, always gave me such a high, a sense of ultimate control over myself. And now that I can't, I somehow feel I have lost control, although I know I should NOT connect the two.

Last week when I looked at myself, I appeared to be thin. This week, I feel like I've instantly gotten fat. I know it's not really this way, and it's a total distortion of myself, however, I can't help but believing it when I keep seeing it.

I am smart enough to know, that no one gets fat overnight... but when it comes to my disorder, somehow the rules of common sense do not apply anymore. Anything is possible.

I feel like even if I simply take a bite of something, it's instantly spreading to each part of my body breeding more fat. It's ridiculous.

 

Apples+Oranjes,
I understand what you are dealing with...I've dealt with an ED myself for over four years now. (Off and on ana/mia) I know it's hard...I wish I had the answers for you, but sadly I'm stuck in the same boat myself.
If you want to talk though about it, I'm here.

 

that sounds REALLY unhealthy. try eating something small (like a few crackers and a couple spoonfulls of cottage cheese) every 3 hours, if you insist on barely eating and exercising a lot. and add milk, or soymilk, to your cereal. less calories doesn't = less weight... it just messes up your metabolism.

<3

 

i know... it would be so much easier to be healthy if we could just see ourselves the way we really are. about the one bite instantly becoming fat, i explained it to someone the other day like this: imagine your body is crawling with bugs, and the only way to get them off is to shower. you would shower constantly. for someone with an eating disorder, it's the same thing, but they feel their body is covered in fat and the only way to get rid of the fat feeling is to not eat. just one bite brings all the bugs (fat) back, but you can't just shower it away. it's stuck with you, and all you can do is wait for your mental bugs to die off on their own, and hope you have the strength not to invite them back. trying to recover is like trying to accept that the bugs will be there and it's best if you let them stay... in our minds, it really is that disgusting and terrifying, which is what makes it so hard to "get better".



i'm doing good in both sides of my brain today. i've eaten lots of healthy food, but it's still under 2000 calories. but when i look in the mirror, i see a chubbo little girl who would be perfect, or as close as possible, if only she lost a few more pounds...

i did have a stupid little epiphany, though; all the girls i know in real life, that i would love to look like, are either on coke, meth, or heroin, and you can tell by looking at them. i already knew this. but i've realized, i don't want people to look at me and say "yep, she's an etard" the way they look at those girls and say, or at least, think, "yep, she's a junkie". i realized that, since i started doing ecstasy a lot, yeah, i LOVE the spiritual and emotional and fun part of it, but having tons of energy, and no appetite for days at a time, is a huge bonus. i respect this drug too much to become addicted, get a tolerance, and "lose the magic" just to destroy my body. but of course... i think about it the same way i think about food. i feel so strongly for both extremes. it seems so wonderfully simple... do what i love and look how i want... but it's not healthy.

sorry... blagrhhhggre.

 

Lots of people do drugs because of an eating disorder.
I've had multiple friends that have done coke and the like, simply to lose weight. It's really sad.

My good friend stopped doing coke, and she put on a few pounds since then, even though I think she still looks fabulous... she seems upset about it. I hope that this doesn't create a relapse in her drug recovery for her.

To me, diet pills and what not are just as bad as all those illegal drugs though. For a long time I was addicted to laxatives, and I'm still suffering the consequences even though I stopped a while back. I used to take like 8 diet pills a day [way above the dosage] and I was really sick for a while because of it. I looked just as "coked out" as girls who actually did coke.

Drugs and eating disorders are HIGHLY connected. As well as self mutilation, but in my opinion heavy drug users are self mutilators in their own way.

I feel that because of all these connections the biggest underlying cause of an eating disorder is a simple dissatisfaction with thyself, whether its inner or outer or both... I feel that, its more than just a poor body image... its almost an utter disgust in yourself.

I feel that the way we see ourselves in the mirror, is really a reflection of how we feel about ourselves on the inside. I know this probably all sounds really corny, but it's just my observation and personal experience. I noticed when I seem to be ashamed or unhappy with something I've done, a choice I made, etc. I see myself as uglier or fatter in the mirror. When I feel inferior to others because of my personality, I feel I don't look as good.

I was researching this a few months ago...and many ED therapists believe that the terms "I feel fat" and such are really symbols for a deeper unacceptance of ourselves.

Your mind can play some pretty intense tricks on you, and its difficult to distinguish what's really going on when you're so focused with what you're seeing inthe mirror. It is a signal that something deeper, on a more sub-concious level is going on, but because we don't use our sub-concious in waking life, and tap into it, all we see is the physical problem.

Dig?

 

I also want all of you to answer this for me:

Are you generally a people-pleaser who seems to take the blame for things even if it is not your fault? Do you feel at fault even when you *know* it isn't your fault?

 

to the first part, yeah, i dig. totally...

and to the second part; i don't know my personality to have any rules. i guess i do apolagize a lot, and i try really hard to make people happy, but feel terrible at how often i fail. i feel like an asshole for bringing people up with high expectations and then letting them down when i don't do what i said i would. i can't really answer the question how you asked it. i'm sorry.



when i think "i feel fat", i genuinely do feel fat and want it to go away.

this is such a strange "disease". i hate it. i love it. it's addictive. it haunts me. it is always in my mind, no matter what, providing order and structure when i need it, but it won't leave me alone when i don't. it makes me feel amazing about myself. it makes me feel worthless. i have cut, cratched, punched, and burned my body. i don't have a "problem" with self mutilation. it's something that you truly cannot understand, unless you understand it. it's something you are desperate to win at, but you don't know which side to play on...

i've eaten a kudos bar and parmesan garlic bread with marinara and i feel sick, i don't want to eat any more today. i hate feeling full.

BLAUGH. repetition.

 

I don't know if I've really had what could be called eating disorders. I've always been skinny. I went through a troubling time where I dropped down to 88 pounds. A number of people close to me passed away at the same time and I got distracted and forgot to eat. I didn't even notice it until one day I was simply looking at myself in the mirror. I was still completely functional at that weight and managed to get back to a more normal weight slowly on my own. I'm still only 140 but feel healthy.

These weight issues are nothing to joke about. I have empathy for anyone who is going through such an ordeal.

.

 

oh wow. i know this might piss you off because it has to be difficult to deal with, and i'm really sorry, but i wish i could drop down to 88 pounds without noticing...


i didn't stick to my "i dont want to eat anymore today" thing for long. i've had cookies, salad, soup, spaghettios, candy... i'm eating triscuits, cream cheese, and tomatoes right now. i feel blech. way over 2000 calories. way. like, 3000.

i'm so sorry i'm turning this thread into a stupid record of what i've eaten. i'll stop because it isn't helping anything.