Eating Disorder

i remember being 8 years old and disgusted with myself.then i remember being in gym class wanting to leave because i didnt feel like i could talk about 'body' things.. and ever since then things have escalated to the point at which i am now.

i really have no one to talk to either- my friend claims to be bulimic but she does it in such a parading way that its purely for attention. i dont know...

 

i have been anorexic for a year. but mine is like. i have to completely starve myself, if i eat one thing, i binge and binge and binge. i would go through times when i would lost so much weight, and then have ot eat cause i would feel like i was gonna pass out, and then binge for weeks and gain it all back, and feel disgusted with myself and starve again. so i think i fucked up my metabolism, but im in the process of losing weight the healthy way. its hard, because im so tempted everyday to starve myself again, but my mom threatend to commit me to a mental house, so i have to eat healthy now. but im getting better its really hard tho.

 

i was the same for 5 years...used to go days without eating, and then binge a couple days worth of food in a matter of hours after finally giving in to eating a bowl of cereal. to get past that, i finally had to just put up with the binges until my body decided that it was no longer starving...gained some weight and looked like shit during that time, but i`ve actually lost a bit of weight since my metabolism`s readjusted itself for healthy eating. it is tough to stick with being healthy, but it`s so worth it....

 

yea.. im the same with all of that- i hate how you just decide to just decide to eat one thing and next thing you know, youve lost all control. and then its like shit now i cant eat for 5 days.

 

Yeah... I first started feeling unhappy with my appearance when I was about 4... I was in ballet from the age of 4 til I was about 11... then I joined again when I was 14.

And, I remember going to ballet when I was that little, looking at the other little girls, and looking at myself and feeling ashamed.

Apparently, when I was just 5 I came home from kindergarten one day and asked my mom if I was too fat, and she said no and asked me why I would say that and I told her because I noticed I was bigger than the other kids [I wasn't fat, but I was a little chubby]

The thing is.... I don't remember how it started really, it's a big blur, and I didn't know what I was doing and what was going on...it may have been about weight it might not have... all I know is now, and in the past few years it has been NOTHING about weight and appearace, honestly....

I have a control issue, especially when it comes to food.... and when I'm feeling out of control in my life, I tend to start controlling my intake of food to almost nothing, as if it's almost reflex.

As I said before though... it's not really uncommon for my family

 

And in reply to the last few ....I was like that big time when I was about 16. The therapist I saw actually considered it a bulimic pattern more than anything because my periods of starvation were like purging what I ate before hand.

I struggled with the common type of bulimia as well, which was a very ugly, intense experience. I'd have to say that was almost more hell than any experience I ever had with anorexia.... there was just something so emotionally draining about it. It sucked the life out of me. Not to mention the disease had such a grip on me, it led me to do things I normally wouldn't have, such as abusing drugs like laxatives, ephedra, diuretics, and diet pills. The abuse of those drugs were probably the worst part of it all... I was killing myself, and I knew it, but I couldn't seem to stop without feeling like I wanted to kill myself anyway. Luckily, I got help for it almost right away. And bulimia is something I like to believe I have overcome, and hopefully for EVER.

But, the thing I have dealt with most of my life is your text book case of anorexia... eating a mere 200-400 calories a day, not enough to live on. Usually occupied by heavy exercising or days where I don't eat at all. Somedays I've just felt like death....
I still struggle trying to completely overcome that particular aspect of my history with eating disorders... it's the one that's just hardest for me to shake, and control.

 

thank you VERY MUCH for sharing your story. i cant even describe the calm i feel to know that im not alone. i hate to call it 'bulimia' or 'anorexia'. that makes it seem so general and 'normal' to just classify it. i dont know, maybe i just hate the words.

 

wow I had no idea so many hipforumers have this problem.. I have been and still am struggling with Anorexia...
I am sooo much better about my thinking.. which I think is the first step.. I don't judge myself as much as I used to but I still have horrible eating habbits and I still get down on myself now and again.. I want to be healthy so bad but it's not like someone can just be anorexic one day and not the next... it takes lots of time.. with me it was mostly about control.. I needed so badly to be in control of something.. when ultimately it controlled me, and I now realize that.. I am sooo happy that this thread was made and girls can openly talk about this without others bashing them.. thank you to all that have shared their stories..
maybe we can all start our own group to help support eachother.. it's an idea!
much love to you all,
Hollie*

 

I agree greengoddess, this thread is a good thing I think. I'm glad everyone can talk about this openly without rude comments, and relate.

I always found it to be such a big help when someone who was dealing with something similar, was there to talk to.

*hugs to everyone*

 

yea... its really sad because everyones pictures on here are really beautiful. now i know that translates to absolutly nothing in most of your minds, but i just thought id say it.

i love this thread. i check it like 3 times a day!!

 

had, but i dont know any of my freinds who at one point or another, havent

 

really? do you think that at one point, a person will use food as a substance to control? i understand that probably at one point in everyones life they will diet, but dieting and E.D.s are two VERY different things... and its also not right to confuse poor body image with having an E.D because those are two very different things too.

 

not everyone, but in this generation, idols are everything

 

definitly. there are probably more cases now because the media inflicts so much insecurities upon anyone innocently taking them, and driving to the point of literal mental illness.

 

Civilization is what causes insanity. And civilization very much includes media...media is probably one of the biggest chunks of civilization---

That's always been my opinion.

But, I don't blame it all on media, because I honestly don't feel influenced by the media in that respect what so ever. And I don't think I ever really have been.

But I can tell you what the media is also responsible for,
In the news and in magazines, etc. parents are always learning about "healthy choices" for their children. When in reality, they aren't really learning anything because no body really knows.... everytime we think we've found something healthy, it turns out not to be, etc--- and I think it's putting pressure on parents and guardians and other elders to be controlling of what their children eat, thinking it will help. In reality, that control is what creates a good breeding ground for an eating disorder in my opinion.

My parents were always so anal about finding the "right choices" for me, and I always had to clear my plate. Even as a child it made me feel out of control with my own body, and I'd often spit out whatever I didnt want to eat in the toilet after dinner.

On the other side of the media, the most common perspective--- I think the most dangerous part of all of it, is that they portray women and men in these uncommon, unhealthy body types and what not--- but yet rarely is a word ever spoken that probably 99% of those models and actresses or whatever HAVE eating disorders. So people begin to believe it is somehow safe to get down to these insanely low weights and what not.

The other half of it though, is just that society takes eating disorders too loosely. The whole concept is still a fairly new idea, because it wasn't recognized as a problem and dangerous until probably just before most of us were born.... And because it's still a fairly new idea, there are still many people who believe it's simply a diet, and that it's about vanity, and even those who do understand it, I don't think know how to correct those who don't.

It's still a very tricky issue to approach, and I'm afraid until all of us learn more about the disease, it will probably get worse for our society before it gets better.

 

It's odd that often the prettiest girls who definitely fit most men's ideal of what women "should" look like are the ones with eating disorders or body-image problems etc...
It's unfortunate that having guys or just people in general just honestly say 'no you're not fat, no you're not ugly, you're beautiful' if they really mean it, doesn't seem to help at all either.

Apples, your comment about excessive control being a good breeding ground for these things, I really think that's true too.
Your post made me realise that if I ever had a child, I wouldn't make him or her strictly 'clean up your plate or you're in big trouble' etc.. I don't think it's good. I'd certainly try to get them to eat but if they didn't, what would happen?
They'd get hungry eventually surely?!
You need to have control as a parent, but to be a dictator about it seems almost worse than being too open and free.

I sometimes wonder if these eating and body image disorders are so rampant in girls only because that's the single most vulnerable part of a young girl's ego usually... her appearance. It's just so sensitive, this topic, and so highly under the spotlight all the time, 24/7, day and night. When you're under pressure as a teen from every single direction anyway, just that little bit too much and then something's got to give, and this harsh spotlight, well take a look at any glossy magazine, you can see where it's pointing... your body!

It honestly is a very distorted fantasy world, the media etc... nobody can ever live up to its desires. Since I continue to realised this more and more, the more I think about it, it wouldn't take a millionaire star with a bleachy smile to make me over the moon....
I enjoy honest, "real" people more now, they're so much more beautiful and dignified.
When someone who you like smiles just for you, you can appreciate it all on your own, whilst everyone just walks on by because she's not famous or in a magazine. In a selfish way that makes it even more precious!!

 

I understand that lack of conrol feeling. For example , if im going somewhere where i dont know the layout, I wil lsemi freak out because I dont have my escape plan figured out if I need to leave

 

VERY interesting. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder as well, so maybe it's related somehow.

I really liked that story though, I wonder if something like that could work for things like panic attacks and what not. Hmm...

But those two or three sessions must have been SO emotionally draining for him.

I'd also like to point out a couple other things that can aid in developing an eating disorder.

One thing I learned fairly recently is that there is actually a disease/disorder that psychologists are studying called BDD= Body Dismorphic Disorder. It's not just your average girl saying "I'm fat" or "My hair is gross" sort of thing...it takes that to a whole 'nother level. Body Dismorphic Disorder is exactly what anorexia describes regarding a distorted self-perception, at a very dangerous and almost obsessive level. It's like, if someone kept obsessing about their nose being crooked, when it really isn't. And psychologists/psychiatrists are starting to study this, and how it can result in eating disorders, and how it can make it more DIFFICULT for someone with an E.D. to recover because of this distorted perception of themself. I read about this about 6 months ago or so, I'm not sure if any new information has erupted since then, but I found it to be quite interesting.

Another common trait in patients with eating disorders is OCD. The problem is, I think sometimes people brush off OCD until it becomes severe. Repetitive thoughts, and routines are symptoms of OCD, but they often go unrecognized because they are so hard to distinguish until that one boiling point. I think I may be mildly obsessive compulsive, and luckly I'm going to therapy for panic and what not right now, so that will probably help tons before it gets too bad--- But, throughout my whole eating disorder, I would repeat in my head what I ate, or didn't eat, or what I wanted to eat/not eat for the rest of the day ...and I'd repeat it so much in my head until I felt like I was going to start crying and screaming. Also, frequently weighing myself I feel was a symptom of an obsessive compulsive type behavior. I would weigh myself every half hour, as if something would change by then. I knew it wouldn't, but I couldn't seem to avoid the scale without going crazy inside.

Anyway---Both of those are HUGE factors in eating disorders, I think, and I think that before assessing the eating disorder itself you have to take care of the underlying disorder or whatever FIRST.

 

That's interesting. I myself did ballet dancing for about 9 years. I ate, slept, and breathed ballet. It was my life. I definitely felt a pressure to stay very thin, however, my disorder was there many years before my serious ballet dancing.