Eating Disorder

P.S. another note on the children aspect...
I recently had an abortion because not only was I not healthy enough to go through with the pregnancy, but another huge part of my decision was because I know that I have a long way to go before I am fully recovered, and the last thing that I want is for any kids of mine to pick up on my unhealthy behaviors and develop them as well. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had a child that developed an eating disorder because I "taught" them those behaviors and ideas.

Again, no offense at all.. I just worry a lot about future generations and eating disorders and it is the parents responsibility to keep those things as far away as possible from their children in order to prevent it.

 

just imagine what the next generation will have to deal with. if you look back, each new 'batch of kids' brings more insecurities, more needs to succeed and rise about the others. and today, things are competitive to say the least. think of all the girls and young women today (...us!) that will soon be mothers of thier own daughters. we wont be able to just 'stop for the sake of kids', as much as we may want to.

its a bit scary actually. part of the female 'typical mommy role' in a family setting is to generally do the dinner planning and stuff. i cant even imagine the tormenting i will involentarily bring on if i dont sort these issues out. i fear that if i even MAKE dinner or food, the kids will see me just sit there and watch them, or i will cook the blandest and health consious meal that is basically just as ridiculous.

(as i was writing that, i was actually thinking... would it really be THAT bad if my family didnt eat too much? then the girls wont ever get fat, and therefore never suffer to be skinny. snapping back to reality, i see thats the whole problem anyways. teaching them to starve will only create suffering).

well, i guess my future family is screwed then. lets hope the dad has a good head on his shoulders lol.

 

No offense taken.

I have no "behaviors" around my kids. I eat, I eat healthy, I eat with them. I am comfortable with my body because thanks to the Phentermine, it is where I want it to be (minus a few cosmetic touches). We don't "diet", we don't talk about being "fat". I totally agree with you.

I don't allow them to say anything derogatory about thin or overweight people. People are people.

My parents had nothing to do with my body image issues. Mostly it was the dancing. I am short (5'3) and in order to look proportionate to the other long, lean dancers, I had to be really thin. Staring at yourself in the mirror day after day for hours a day can fuck your head up too. I blame it on the classical ballet standards of perfection and beauty in dance, not my upbringing.

I had low self-esteem in school too. Mostly because I wasn't well liked by most of the girls in school. The guys liked me, not "liked" me, liked me, but I was a cool chick to hang out with. I never had any boyfriends though, go figure.

I was always trying to fit in with "A" group of people and never really fit 100% with anyone. I was the most preppy, girly, "outcast" at my school. The punks and goths even had their own group of friends(for as much as they played the "outcast" card, they really weren't THAT outcast) that I never fit into either.

I spent some time in therapy, dealing with some of my self-esteem issues, which are connected to my body image issues. Essentially it came down to accepting and feeling comfortable with who I am and what is important to me. What makes ME feel good, is looking good. It sure sounds simple to just fix it in therapy, but like I said, I don't have the time. I *really* don't. It's not about me and my issues right now. My job is to make sure that my kids are raised with love and acceptance and being loving and accepting towards other people. Someday they will learn of my inner demons and that's ok. I think it's important for kids to know their parents aren't perfect. I'm tragically flawed, but there's a lot about me that's good and if my kids grow up and are confident with the people they become, they I can simply point out that even a chick with body image issues and a whole host of dysfunction can raise awesome kids, be an awesome wife and brings something to everyone she encounters in life.

You have to pick your battles. I'm not in "danger" with my issues. I don't rsk leaving my kids motherless. I am functionally dysfunctional. I'm ok with that.

 

good for you, soggygranola.


you know what, im sure EVERY woman has insecurities. of course no one thinks they are perfect. its just interesting in deciding where to draw the line of whats 'avarage insecurity' and 'disorder.'

i guess you can give a textbook answer, that disorder is where it takes over your life in a negative and over-controlling way. but as i read what soggygranola (i smirk everytime i write your screen name lol) had to say, it just makes me wonder if theres a little disorder hiding under the flesh of every woman. whether it just be thinking, "i wish i was thinner!" or "wow, it'd be nice to have slimmer thighs."

i hope im making sense, its all so clear in my head. sorry if ive confused anyone lol.


well just another thing. ive noticed im ALWAYS touching my collarbone. i like it. i feel like its become more pronounce and i can seem to keep my hands off of it if i can help it. hipbones too.

it makes me happy, then it makes me sick. then i touch it some more :/

 

i`ve got the collarbone obsession going too...just about given up on the hipbones though because with the way my torso is proportioned, i have to be very very thin for them to be noticeable. my stomach is apparently naturally flat, so it`s gotta be more than flat for them to show. i`m also slightly obsessed with my arms as of late...maybe just because i`ve pretty much given up on my legs ever being presentable. i guess this puts me somewhere in the netherworld of ED`s and normalcy...neither sick nor healthy, neither disordered nor normal. i`m definitely terrified of trying to cook for/raise a family though because i am a child of an eating- disordered mom. i grew up having ED`d behaviours modeled for me from very early on (my mom`s ED predates me). she`s now got a mild form of osteoporosis as a result (at 41 yrs old)...i`m terrified of this happening to me. just something i`ve gotta come to terms with i guess...

 

Yes, that makes sense.

However, there is a huge difference between insecurities and disordered patterns of thinking and processing.

When an "insecurity" drives you to the point of starvation or purging, it's no longer an insecurity, it's a disorder. When an insecurity becomes an obsession, it's not normal anymore.

All of my girl friends have things that they wish they could change about their bodies or faces, but none of them are obsessive about it. Not the way I am.

And when the insecurity is linked to a control issue, or something that is a bigger part of the picture, that is dangerous as well.

It's odd though, having an eating disorder, I have my disordered patterns of thinking, but I also have individual separate, normal insecurities completely aside from the disorder.

I don't consider my eating disorder an insecurity at all, really. There are many times when I know that I'm thinner than I should be, rather my problem lies within an inner control issue. A perfectionism issue... and not perfectionism with my body but the way I live.

Another thing that is so ironic is that I have an issue with being average. I don't like to eat average, exercise average, look average, act average, or make average art...
But on the same token, I always feel like an outcast for being different.

I have this inner obsession with perfecting myself to the point where I must exceed the norm when it comes to absolutely everything. It's annoying.

 

Thanks for clearing that up, it made much sense.

The only thing that worries me is the diet pill use. But, I won't elaborate because I'm sure you already know the dangers and what not.

I'm glad that you leave it out of the home though, good on you if you can separate the two.

And everyone is dysfunctional to a point lol... it only becomes a problem when you can't live with it. If you can, then that's alright.

I'm in therapy because I couldn't live with my problem. And because I couldn't keep it under control and separate from the people I love and my life outside of my issues... It interfered with work and relationships too much.

If it didn't get to that point, I wouldn't be in therapy.

 

Yeah, I think it's really important to be responsible for your issues. Recognize when they are getting out of hand and you need help.

I think I am pretty good about doing that. When I need a little extra help or when I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed, a couple months with the therapist helps ground me. I don't need it daily or regularly, but when I do need it, I get it.

I am strong, independent but by no means reckless.

I know the phentermine has it's own bag of issues, I have ADD and it helps with that too. I don't take more than I ever have to, I'm pretty disciplined about that stuff. Mom was a prescription drug abuser always taking too many Soma or antidepressants. I take it like it's ordered and I never take a dose higher than I need at the time.

Thanks for allowing me to contribute to the conversation. You guys are really great and I appreciate your sharing.

 

these last couple days ive been eating soooo much. and i feel like im trapped inside mounds and mounds of calories and fat just clinging to my body. i wish i could squeeze it all off. i really wish i could just take a candle to it and melt all this extra 'me' off. and i get so frustrated that i just eat more. i hate the binging cycle of what i go through. i was doing so well before. SO WELL. and now ive ruined it all.

im sitting here and my head keeps making 'plans' for today... about how i wont eat more than 300 calories and how ill work out off and on all day long. im trying not to do that because i know that ill probably fail, and that will just make me eat more.

i want to just go clean everything in my house because I feel so cluttered. but theres no mess around me; so i just sit here. i feel so cold and empty inside. i feel so alone and isolated. it doesnt make any sense because im constantly surrounded by people.

sorry to sound rantful, but i figure thats what this threads for.

 

This is a silly question, but its becoming an increasing problem for me. How do you make yourself eat? I ask because I was put on a diet by a nutritionist a month ago. I gained 1lb in the first 2 weeks but that made me sort of panic and have found it harder to even think about food. I have to admit, I've barely eaten since Tuesday.

Intelectually I know I should but the act of sitting down and doing it is getting hard.

 

This topic is so great. So many people are struggling, and recovering from eating disorders. I myself have been dealing with what I like to call an 'issue with food' for a few years now. Sometimes I'd just rather not eat, because I look in the mirror, and feel so disgusted. I just want to lose weight, and be content with who I am on the outside. When I feel that way.. the sight of food makes me sick. Then, when I eat, I think "oh my gosh.. how could I have just eaten that" Other times, I am fine, and just go about eating, and life, with out any after thoughts or regrets.
It hasn't been that huge of a problem, but as of recent my anorexic tendencies/ restrictive eating habits have become more prevelant. I am not a skinny person though, I've got a few extra pounds, mostly cause by a medication I was on which altered my metabolism. That's part of the problem... having a signifigant weight gain, that I couldn't control. Now, though, I feel like I can sometimes control what I eat, how much I work out, etc. etc.
I have goal weights, and sizes, and really try to keep on track. Sometimes I fast. But, I'm not losing dramatic amounts of weight, or really being unrealistic, and destructive with these eating habits. I feel like once I reach my goal weight.. not even a specific number, just a specific look, and feel of contentment with myself, thats when I'll stop thinking this way, and having this issue with food. Of course, it'll be a weight.. size.. look I'll have to keep up with. But, I don't think that once I reach that, I'll push my self further and further to lose more.
It's really a complicated thought cycle. However, it's just one aspect of my life. Of course it affects other things... but as far as my personality, and being happy with everything else in life, I have to say, that I am really content and wouldn't change a thing.

 

Just like with anything else, you have to develop a new habit.

I know I never used to eat breakfast and the idea of starting just did not appeal to me. I knew I *needed* to though, so I started out small.

Usually carbs are less "heavy" and won't upset your stomach, so I started with 1/2 bagel with butter and cinnamon and sugar. That's all I could stomach.

Before I knew it I was eating an eggwhite omelet with part skim mozz cheese, a piece of whole wheat toast with low fat peanut butter and a piece of fruit (banana, orange) every day.

Baby steps. Set small goals, be true to them and be fair to yourself.

 

"Before I knew it I was eating an eggwhite omelet with part skim mozz cheese, a piece of whole wheat toast with low fat peanut butter and a piece of fruit (banana, orange) every day."


excuse me, but holy shit. i quote you because i could have never put that meal together by myself.

lately, ive been thinking; "i wouldnt even know how to eat normal if i tried." i dont really know how to tell if im hungry because for so long, it hasnt mattered i guess. i know your supposed to eat 2000 calories and follow the food pyrimid, but still, if i had to plan a days worth of food, id have no clue WHEN to eat, how much at that meal/ snack, and how you should split up the food groups. i guess it all sounds simple; but the act of it is so overwhelming in my head. i guess thats, like, "DUH" since its called and eating disorder... disordered and distorted eating, but i have no idea what 'healthy eating' is either. i mean, like i said, i get the food pyrimid stuff, but that just seems like textbook knowledge, not real life- which is whats really helpful.

 

as you know ive posted here and offered advice and i am here for pms to anybody who wants to talk.
i am well converesed in anorexia as i was a victim in the 1980's and also male which at the time was quite unusal.
i recovered.
but it was close, a matter of days. and,yes, it did determine my lifestyle for years and still does to some extent but i got there in the end.
a lot of people here want to get well but like being"ill" shall we say i.e. that is they want to be better but the real fucker about this illness is the mental side and the determination to self destruct, well all i can write is the more you eat regular amounts,healthy amounts more your mind will settle and you will be able to deal with everything. but you have to make the choice to get better and" stop playing the game".
its time to stop!
and heal
and everything will get better.
beleive me
it did for me
it can for you.
please make the right choice.
get better and live your life.
best wishes to all.

 

OH MY GOD! UHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, !!!! wtf is wrong iwth you girl ???

YOU have EATING DISORDER and MENTAL DISORDER if u dont understand waht is healthy eating... AUHAHHA u know what ?.... Eat Omega-3 and 6 mostly in fishy... it develops ur brain and cells in it.. so maybe u will finally understand what you need to understand by this age...

Do u have a fat ass ? just curious.

 

Ugh, ignore that guy.

Anyway, I don't know guys... Mostly, things have been okay, but there are somedays that I wake up, and things just aren't right. Saturday morning, I woke up, and my head was filled with those obsessions again, and I couldn't make them stop. All I ate that day was a little bit of pasta at dinner. I couldn't seem to get myself to eat, and I didn't feel hungry really, weirdly enough. There are days when I feel famished, and days where I don't even think about food.

I don't know. Like I said, for the most part, I'm growing numb to it, and it's kind of scary.

I'm having some physical problems that I'm a bit worried about, but I keep denying to myself that it has anything to do with my eating, considering I don't *feel* starved. It's weird.

And dietcoketree, I know exactly what you mean... I don't know how to eat anymore. I used to be so good at getting all the proper amounts of each food group in everyday, and eating until I was full...now when I eat, it's usually just carbs, and I pig out. Which then, makes me avoid food because I am afraid of doing that again.

I hate it.

 

im going to keep on posting it untill y'all get well!
of course you wont be hungry if you dont eat as your body gets used to the lack of food.
but yu've got to get out of the mental side of it, the self indulgance of it,the whole central to your life thing,you have to give it up if you want to survive.
the only way to get through it is to eat!
start with small light regular snacks dont fear the raging fear in your mind as you eat it will subside eventually.just make that effort,you can all do it.
i did just in time to stop my premature death.

 

Gaz or Jazz.. so you had/have an ed? it is visible? how do people react to it? i have always wondered how males get treated with ED's justbecause it isnt really "mainstream" (i know thats not really the right word but you get what im saying.)

 

it was a liong time ago over twenty years but the legacy remains both physically and mentally,although i take positive aspects out of both areas as i realise now in my 40's that a lot of the mental side of ed is a part of my personality.
i was always something of an outsider in my community because of my alt beleifs and because of my long term health problems but they a re nothing to be ashamed of.
i was often perceived when i was really ill as either a heroin user or a homosexual but it didnt matter to me as i was in control of my destiny so i thought.
as for the visual signs i went from at age seventeen 189 lbs [13 and a half stone} to
at the age of nineteen 95lbs[under seven stone] i never saw myself as fat when i was losing weight but i was just driven and compelled to go as low as i could .if you wee to ask me at the time why? then i couldnt tell you, it just was the most important thing in my life.i lost all my friends and my relationship with my family was overshadowed with rows and my deceitfullness.
but it got to a point where i had to stop.
i was holding a job down in a factory but was becoming too weak to work and started having blackouts whilst operating machineary,really frightening.
my employees were concerned about my heaalth and contacted my parents behind my back but it just made me more determined to go on,but i was getting close to death.
until one day i couldnt go on and broke down and had to admit i had a real problem and wanted to get better,that was the start of my recovery,the realisation that iwas ill and it had to stop.
of course there were relapses on the way to good health but i had to keep going.
some awful things have happened in my life since but i realise now that i am a surviver and can get through almost everything.
a lot of it i am sure is to do with maturity and comes with the passage of time,that not trying to be patronising to young people,but is what i beleive.
life gets aa lot easier after you have found yourself and accepted yourself and you have lived some adult life.
If you had known me when i was ill and see me now you wouldnt of beleived i had survived i was so ill. my mother told me after i decided to get better that she was sure i was going to die.
i made it i know you can,i know you want to.
its time to start now.
love gaz
p.s.
as for treatment it was in its infancy in the mid 80's especially for men,unheard of, so it was a case of using my mental determination and my desire to get better

 

wow, thank you very much for sharing that. i cant really explain in words but im very thankful you opened up like that. im overjoyed that your alright and in a much better frame of mind.