Eating Disorder

pardon me for having an opinion.

you can't really blame me for believing that this thread was nothing more than a pity party for skinny chicks who think they're too fat.

i mean you have two of the same people saying the same thing 4,000 times and petting each other's fragile egos.

i think what i said had some merit. most of it is psychological and self-inflicted unless, of course you've got some sort of cancer or something.

300 posts on the subject of skinny chicks talking about how they are so proud of themselves for not sticking their finger down their throat after eating cake and the like is just obvious pity seeking to me.

so if i am wrong...educate me, i'll listen to anything you say that is reasonable.

 

What? This guy's a loon. Sure it's psychological, but not in the way you are thinking.

Lay off, Jeff.

 

fuck you, "LIBERTINE"!

or should i tell them your name as well, dickhead.

 

I don't give a fuck, dumbass.

You are the one that got all crazy and shit. I was just explaining that what you said wasn't necessarily true. You are the one who went all apeshit.

 

hahahahahahhahaaaaa whatever.

 

Educate you? I've been trying to do that throughout this whole entire thread to anyone who had questions... or fixed opinions like yours.

The real point of this thread is because like you, most of the world has this opinion about eating disorders that is so far off and skewed from the reality of what they actually are. The thread is here for people who can relate, to have comfort in knowing that someone understands. The thread is here for support, and to supply facts and knowledge on the topic in case someone is confused or inquisitive.

Don't get me wrong, I understand entirely why people see it that way... it isn't something a person could understand unless really experiencing it. Just like someone who has never had sex, doesn't really know how it feels... Just like someone who has never broken a bone, doesn't know how much pain it really is, that sort of thing. And thoughts, and feelings are even harder to grasp, if you've never experienced them before...it's hard to see the rationality in someone's thinking if you don't firsthandedly understand it.

I don't expect you to get it or understand it... I don't expect that out of anyone, but I do think that the rude comments can be left aside. And instead of assumptions, you could rather ask instead of being so sure that you understand completely what is going through our heads.

I'm not going to defend myself, because I don't need to. And I don't want to defend eating disorders just because I have one either, because some of the things you described may happen in some cases, but every person is different, and I think it's highly stereotypical/ignorant/generalizing to assume that, that is so with everyone.

I'm glad you repeated the term "skinny chicks" a couple of times, because that proves to me how little you actually know about eating disorders. Have you done any research? I think you should...

Men suffer from eating disorders as well... more male cases go unreported, untreated, and completely unnoticed because of the social pressures, and stereotypical ideas that people have, just like you showed, by referring to only skinny chicks suffering from eating disorders.

I actually dated a guy who dealt with an eating disorder, and he wasn't feministic, or media-obsessed. Rather, he suffered from many of the same mental issues that I do, that aid in eating disorders... panic/anxiety disorder, certain phobias, perfectionism/over-achiever, OCD, and depression. It's not like he opened up a Vogue magazine and said "Omg I wish I could look like that."

And tied in with that, that explains a lot about the control issue involved in eating disorders. When you suffer from other mental disorders that are literally of interference in your life and daily functioning, you start to feel out of control. When you get 3 panic attacks a day, and can't control obsessive thoughts or routines, you start to feel a little whacked out, and like your life isn't put together. When you feel like nothing you do is ever right, either because of a personality trait, or because of upbringing, confidence levels in that area go down as well. There are many different factors in eating disorders, and I find it highly absurd for someone who is as undereducated on the issue as you are, to assume that only skinny chicks who want to look like a Victoria's Secret model suffer from eating disorders.

Now, on with the rest of your point...
I hate pity. I tend to ignore the subject completely when talking with friends, if they ask about it, or make a comment, because I don't feel comfortable with their pity. I get it enough in real life, why the fuck would I have to come online to seek pity? Do you think we don't have lives, or friends, or families that are concerned the way it is?

It bothers me when people are concerned. I don't like upsetting people I love. Which is the whole reason I am in recovery, besides my own personal reasons... Because, I don't want to put them through any terrible and troublesome feelings/worries.

I know myself very well, as I've had to spend lots of time thinking about who I am, my life, and what I want to do with it, in order to recover... so don't think for a second that you can come on here and tell me what I'm dealing with, and what kind of person I am.

Just because two girls share similar experiences and discuss it, doesn't mean we want pity... we discuss it to learn more about ourselves, and the disorder. We discuss it to better understand things, and deal with things.

And sometimes things get repetitive because people ask questions that were already answered.

Sometimes things get repetitive because OCD is a common trait in eating disorder.



I never shunned your opinion, I simply shunned your rude, ignorant attitude.

 

and although there are probably some technically 'skinny chicks' in here, im defniitly not. i mean, im over 110 pounds and 5'3

 

i was thinking about this today and you really cannot understand what an eating disorder is like unless you experience it. i think it HAS TO be classified as a form of ocd, because it is exactly like a person who can't stop washing their hands or counting their steps because if they don't it doesn't "feel right". you have repetative thoughts and a feeling of extreme uneasiness unless you do what you feel "has to" be done, or not done.

when i lived in my old house, the whole time i lived there, when i'd turn the light on in my room, it would flicker three times. i HAD TO run down the hall, not seeing the first flicker, turn around at the end of the hall for the second flicker, and run back during the last one. i was horrified of what would happen if i didn't do it this way every time. to me, eating can feel like if i had just stood there and watched the light flicker, or if i had left while it was flickering and not gone back. it feels awful. it's like your action is what is keeping the world spinning, and when you do it, you can feel the planet halt and you absolutely HAVE TO correct it. i don't mean this literally... obviously... and it's really hard to explain in a way a normal person could understand. carrying out these actions is something you can depend on, something you can guarantee will absolutely happen no matter what. and when that's disrupted, it can be shattering. now imagine this action is not eating... you have to eat to live. your body wants you to live. but you feel like if you do eat, any certainty you have will crumble in front of you.

i don't know about other people... but it feels that way to me. there are so many different layers, and there's no one explanation.

 

Prismatism, that was an excellent explanation. Nice analogies, I'm in love with analogies.

I have some other unexplained mental disturbances going on and I'm not even sure I know how to explain them. I suppose it would be more of a paranoia, than anything. If I hear a light sound, I'll ask whoever I'm with about three times whether they hear it or not, whether the answer was yes the first time or not, because I'm paranoid I'm just hearing it. [and most often somebody else does hear it, so it's not a schizophrenic thing... it's just me being paranoid]

I have constant paranoias of getting severely ill and dying, or going to the hospital, and this interferes with my life because it causes constant anxiety for me, as well as spending more than a normal person would in doctor visits and the like.

I'm always feeling like things are sketched out, and it just gets annoying, because I know that I'm overreacting, but I can't put an end to it.

I think my eating disorder relates to paranoias of sorts too. I can't really explain it though. I'll try to later.

All I know is, it's been really difficult for me these past few days. I'm eating more normally, because I'm forcing myself to. And it's emotionally difficult, and upsetting. After I eat something I know I've done good for myself, but I feel terrible, like I did something I shouldn't have done.

Anyways, I'm already paranoid enough over health, so I'm forcing myself to eat even when I feel like crying and throwing a tantrum inside because it IS ruining my health. And that really is the last thing I want.

Right now I'm having my good days and my bad ones, and the good days are normal days, days where I feel stable again. The bad days are hysterical. I can't keep thoughts or feelings organized, I get mood swings, repetitive thoughts, and those feelings are what cause me to not eat well. Though, even then I try to eat, and it makes me feel worse for a while.... but later the feeling goes away.

It's overall getting better, but sometimes it feels like the end of the world [not to sound like a drama queen lmao] My "self-talk" is improving, because I can override the bad feelings stemmed from the disorder. And that's good. But like I said sometimes it just doesn't FEEL good.

I know this whole thing right here sounds redundant, but it's because I'm trying to find better wording for what I mean, and there aren't really any decent words to describe it.

My boyfriend has been fucking amazing. Yesterday I was a basketcase, and he simply listened to me rant and cry and pour my heart out. I started getting upset and saying that I can't believe he loves me because I know I'm crazy right now, and he held me and promised me that everything was okay and he'd always be there, crazy or not. That's really good to know, and reassuring, because a lot of times right now, I feel like I'm going to drive people I love away with my insanity.

I'm moving in with a friend, and my boyfriend is moving with me... And though I know he knows how to handle and deal with these moods of mine, I worry that my best friend is going to see a side of me that I never wanted her to see....and I keep worrying that she's going to end up thinking less of me. I've known her and been close with her since I was 6, but I don't know if she's truthfully seen me in these moments of panic and hysteria.

I think sometimes it's almost more difficult when you're not completely crazy, and you still have rational thoughts and feelings, because it just gets confusing and you realize that what you're doing, thinking, and feeling is off the wall, but you can't stop it with the snap of a finger.

I think a major factor in why I relapsed back into not only my eating disorder, but this state of mind, was because of my anxiety over medical worries. It got to the point where I couldn't function because I just worried so much over it. My therapist thinks that the eating disorder came into play, acting like a bubble to temporarily take my mind off of those stresses that I was dealing with, that felt as if they were ruining my life... but because I couldn't just put an end to the eating disordered thoughts and feelings, now I have more on my plate again.

Does that make any fucking sense?

In other news, I realized something that triggers panic attacks for me last night. I heard sirens, like ambulance sirens... and started going absolutely insane, and couldn't breathe normally. I panicked, because sirens remind me of a terrible car accident I was in when I was 13, where somebody was in a coma/died, and I had to be taken to the hospital as well. It was the scariest experience of my life... I get panic attacks in the car, and when I hear sirens, or if a motorcycle is driving nearby while I am, because it was a motorcycle that hit my side of the car.

I should have gotten counseling for this after it happened, but after a month or two I thought I was okay because I didn't feel as bad anymore. But now it's coming back to haunt me. The first month or so after the accident though, I would have flashbacks, and terrible images in my head of what happened. It was frightening.

Anyway thats kind of irrelevent to eating disorders, but that was part of my hysterical moment yesterday. It was scary.

 

You guys are doing such a great job with this thread. There's a wealth of information and some incredibly insightful observations have been made. Keep up the good work, don't let those that don't understand bring you down. Beating disorders of this nature takes time, a lot of willpower, and a lot of repetition. Having people to talk to and a support group of sorts, like the one here, is invaluable. Kudos to you all!

I do want to comment on the similarities between OCD and eating disorders though. There are a lot of similarities between them, especially with anorexia. A lot of research has been performed looking into this, and it's still pretty much on the fence. One thing to keep in mind, and it's a bit semantic, but most people with say, anorexia, usually feel good about the rituals they have, as in, doing those rituals makes them feel better. People with OCD don't usually do this... the rituals feel wrong, they know it, and it makes them feel bad. The good people in Vanderbilt's psych department have published several papers on this subject (their entire eating disorder section is fantabulist for anyone wanting to get down into the nitty gritty)

http://www.vanderbilt.edu/AnS/psychology/health_psychology/ocd.htm
http://www.vanderbilt.edu/AnS/psychology/health_psychology/mariahtext.htm
http://www.vanderbilt.edu/AnS/psychology/health_psychology/anorexiaocd.html
http://www.vanderbilt.edu/AnS/psychology/health_psychology/comorbidity.htm

 

so update on my little birthday thing. i cant even say it but lets just say that i ate A LOT. i got home from my 'fun birthday' and layed on my bed and cried. i wanted to fall asleep so bad to just end the day, but i couldnt because i have this thing where i have to be awake for 2 hours atleased after i eat. i feel so selfish because my whole family just wanted me to be happy. they have no idea that they did the one thing for me that breaks me down. and i HATE that i cant just be grateful and leave it at that.

so you guys probably know that i have a diet coke thing.. ive ALWAYS got a can (or liter) in my hand. its sick, i know. the last two days i tried to stop drinking it because i think its making me sick. i was having withdrawl headaches so bad so i popped a can open and next thing i know, ive downed 4 cans.

why cant i do things in moderation? its intersting to me that in most areas of my life, i eaither have to go all out or not to it at all. when i draw a picture, i need to make sure its the BEST one, or i wont participate. there have been contests that ive entered only because i was confident i could do better than the others. and although i will sing in any event or show, i am definitly more inclined to participate if i know i can out do the others. if i think i cant, i make sure i prepare to.

and apples.. that makes a lot of sense. i tend to see that trama catches up with you later when your least expecting it.

 

This may sound like a dumb question (it does to me) but does going to a nutritionist change how you see food? I only ask because before I went, it was like I could forget food. I was never all that hungry so why bother about it you know?

Since I went to the nutritionist though, it's getting so I find food and callories sort of gnaw at me and if I'm not too careful, if I'm thinking about something, it gets so that the callories and the thing I'm thinking about sort of swap places after a while. Does that make any sense?

 

dietcoketree, i have the same problem with moderation. it's why i could never pass anything in school. i would turn in one amazing assignment and the rest would never be finished because i wasn't good enough to show my work to anyone.


aloneinabigbadworld, that is how i feel pretty much all the time.


... i um... have been crying a lot lately, even when there's no reason to... and i've decided to break up with my boyfriend... so things are probably not going to be very good for me for a while... i know that if i eat anything i will stuff myself and feel miserable so i'm going to stay away from food, just to keep from hurting myself more (physically, on purpose). on the other hand, knowing i haven't eaten will make me feel bad about myself, but fuck it.

 

tonight i feel really low. like, this is the kind of low where i wish i could just have someone to hold and tell me they love me and that im beautiful. i used to have that.

i ate a lot today. and when i used to be with 'him,' i didnt feel so bad about myself because i knew (THOUGHT) he loved me. i havnt talked to 'him' in like a month and a half.

ive never felt a loss this deep. ive never hurt so bad. and i look at food as the enemy- as one of the reasons we broke up. he probably hated me being so self consious- always looking in the mirror, not eating when we went out, telling him how bad his food choices were... i mean, i couldnt really stop it, its just the way i think. i hate myself without him. i hate that i think that way- which makes me hate me more. i cry as i write this. i hate the meatballs i ate today. i can feel them pasting themselves to my thighs and stomach. i can taste the fat in my saliva. i mean i know its not realistic but i really cant see me being comfertable with anyone else.

sorry i realize this is getting long.

but i also feel like ill never be 'comfertable' with anyone else again. i hate people touching me but i could lie in his arms forever. i cant even hold a guys hand without wondering " holy shit my hands are kinda fat hes proabyl squishing it and thinking im disgusting". he was so careful with me because he knew me inside and out. i miss him so much. this pain is unebleiveable.

 

it's really... comforting... to know you feel that way, even though it makes me feel terrible. because it is exactly how i feel. i wish i knew what it was like to have to deal with a girl with really low self esteem... it obviously must drive my boyfriend insane, because he is doing everything in his power to avoid me. i am truly convinced he hates me. it seems ridiculous... but it really doesn't. i can't blame him. but i know what you mean... i just want that comfort and certainty back more than anything. he could help me get through this, but instead, he is making it worse than it ever could have been if i were alone. and i still love him. life is hard.

this idea that has been in my head lately, is that this world is SO big, and there is SO much that is true... what else would you expect of earth?... and there are things that are so beautiful they make you cry, and there are things that make you want to become nothing and stop existing. and both are always present simultaneously... when we're sad the whole world doesn't go gray, but when we're happy... not everything is perfect...

it sounds like a really simple idea, but to wrap my mind around the reality of it is harder than just knowing it's true.

i'm doing better with actual eating, i am eating more (or maybe i just think i am), but the guilt is horrible. and i feel really fat, i can't keep my hand of my stomach for three minutes because i feel just enormous.

 

I am sorry to hear that dietcoketree... I wish I could offer some helpful advice, but I can't relate to that particular thing. I can relate to the food being the enemy aspect, but not for those reasons, or because of a guy.

There was a point and time though, that I dated a guy who was verbally and physically abusive. I was struggling with bulimia when I dated him. He didn't know. I DID really care for him, so I thought I should talk to him about it one day.... and when I did he said "Ew, that's disgusting, that will make your breath smell terrible... if you're going to have an eating disorder, you should just be anorexic, that's not as gross"

I was shocked. Shortly after me telling him this, he proceeded to point out that he thought I had fat legs... and that I overall wasn't good looking. When I got angry with him and bitched at him for saying that, he punched me really hard in the arm, so bad that I had a big black bruise. That was the point where I told him to LEAVE, and I locked all the doors and windows, as he waited out in the winter weather for an hour for his mom to pick him up [we were 15]

Soon after I broke it off, I tried to go to his house to talk to him one day, because he said he was going to work things out so we could at least be friends. I'm a very forgiving person, so I went with it. When I went over there, he was pissass drunk, walking around with his pants undone and being obscene. I don't want to get into detail because it's difficult to talk about, but I'm sure you can see where I'm going from here.

After that, I stopped eating again. I saw him a month or so later when I had dropped like 30 pounds and he told me I looked even uglier as skinny as I was.

Anyway, the point of me saying this is.... Although your situation might not be like this, the guy might not have been truly a jerk, like my ex is.... BUT, if he is putting you through any emotional torment that way, that makes you feel as if it's your fault, and makes you feel like it's part of the reason you have a problem with eating, then you need to scratch him out of your life and your heart, no matter if he's a nice guy or not... He must NOT be that nice, if he makes you feel this down on yourSELF.

I know it's not that easy, but I think you know you could find someone who WILL love you for you.

My current boyfriend is wonderful... Never once have I felt I needed to starve myself for him. And now that I am dealing with a relapse, he's been ultra supportive... He doesn't always understand, and sometimes it's irritating, but he's there for me, no matter how much I cry, and scream, and throw a tantrum over something as stupid as food.

You deserve someone who will do that for YOU.

I hope this doesn't come across as offensive at all... it just concerns me that you mentioned your ex a few times now... it's not good to dwell so much on a relationship/past relationship so much that it kills YOU.

<3

 

got a random question. apples- has your boyfriend ever said he thinks you`d look even better if you gained some weight? josh tells me all the time that i`m beautiful now but that he thinks i`d even look better and healthier if i gained maybe 10 lbs. he`s a nurse so he knows what i weigh and what i should weigh...and i do trust his opinion. not sure where i`m going with this...but have you ever been in this situation?

 

if someone told me i could use a few more pounds, i think i may just go insane. even if its true- the idea to someone (like me) would be absolutly ridiculous.

you dont tell a pilot to just stop flying planes. you dont tell someone with an eating disorder to just 'gain some weight.' altough, i understand where that would SEEM helpful, it really just causes confusion and would make me even more disgusted with food. my stepmom once told me, "my, laura, your getting so skinny. why dont you have some cake?" (it was at my cousins bday party). i ate cake that night and thought i had gained the weight she was talkign about- and never had a peice since. that was about 3 years ago. i hear her head in my voice whenever i see or think about any kind of dessert like that.

i would have rather her said nothing about how i looked. i HATE when people do that.

even when people say, "oh your hair looks nice" i get all insecure and wonder if they are just saying that because they feel bad for me in some other way and want to make me feel better. maybe they are just saying it because its the only good thing about me and they want to make me feel good about SOMETHING.

 

You should speak to the nutritionist I saw then. After she weighed and measured me, we had a discussion about callories and weight etc, during when she told me I was about 10lbs underweight.

It was odd, after that all I could think of was how she couldn't see I needed to lose a couple more pounds.

 

He doesn't tell me that, because he knows how I'll react... I'll laugh and say "Gross" lol... But he reassures me by telling me I'd look beautiful at any weight "70 pounds or 370 pounds" he said haha

But he's made comments about me losing my butt and boobs and how it was cute when I actually had a butt and some chest... but then he always adds "But they look cute anyway" haha he's such pro at sweet talking.