Eating Disorder

dietcoketree:

I do that too... I will go to the fridge, think about eating, read the label, and get scared. But I usually don't feel comfortable eating something unless I know exactly what's in it... not even just calories but vitamins and stuff. I'm a nut about labels and always have been... I got that from my parents, when I was little they were always talking about the nutrition facts on the back of things. Though it's a good thing to pay attention to sometimes, it's not good to be obsessed over it, and I am.

I made a little progress by cutting down how much I weigh myself, it's down to an average of once a day... it's only sometimes twice a day if I really get anxious. I tried to stop altogether, but I'm not ready for that yet, I get too anxious where I feel like everything is going to fall out of place if I don't follow my "routine"

I'm on medication right now for an infection in a cut I had, and I hate it because I have to take it on an empty stomach which like gives me an EXCUSE and a REASON not to eat, and I can't be having that right now, its just too easy for me to not eat at all then.

The worst feeling is the battle between me and the disordered me. I feel two things at once, always, and it's obnoxious and irritating. It's like, yesterday I ate a cup of applesauce, a banana, and a small bowl of special K with light soymilk... And I thought to myself "oh god, thats more than enough" but the other part of me laughed and knew it was under 500 calories worth for a day, which is FAR from enough. I couldn't get myself to eat more though because this weird distorted part of me considers a banana one meal, applesauce another, and cereal dinner. Even though I know it isn't rational... It's weird.

I've been expressive about my issue lately though, on here, and with loved ones, so I think it's helping more so... or at least I *think* so. My attitude seems to be improving a little bit. I physically am not eating as much as I should be [aside from my good experience the other day] but I am thinking more and more about nourishing myself, and wanting to be healthy. I'm becoming more apprehensive to listen to the disordered part of me. And instead of sleeping when I feel weak, I try to eat, because i know that's really why I'm feeling terrible. I've been at least trying to get important vitamins, or I take a multi. When I eat I try to eat bran based cereals or bananas because they are good for potassium. Which is important. But yeah, Im doing what I can to keep myself as "healthy" as possible while I'm dealing with this. Clearly I'm not going to be healthy, but you know what I mean.

Feeling weak and tired used to make me happy when I was younger and first dealing with this because it was like a sign that I had good control that day [fucked up, I know] but now feeling weak and tired just makes me feel more ill, and more out of control.

What started out as control, is now controlling me. And there's nothing I hate more than something or somebody that controls me...

My mom has been WONDERFUL through all this. I know that whenever I'm upset I can call her and cry to her, and hear something helpful. And also, when I feel like I did good, like the other day, I can call her with my excitement and she understands just as much how much of a big step that is for me, and she helps give me a sense of pride in doing good for myself. I don't know what I would do without her.

It's harder without her around 24/7 like she was when I was younger, but having her just a call away is working too.

She has faith in me that I'll over come this, and I'm not sure anyone else does. Or at least no one else acts like it. I'm just so lucky to have her, to help me through this. She's a great support.

Anyway enough of my rambling for now lol.

 

Incidentally, I went on a diet at new year as a resolution. I was big, so lost quite a bit of weight (I'm short, 5'6", I went from 180lbs to 127lbs). When I went to my doctor last week on an unrelated matter (I have ADD and needed my prescription filled), he also put me on Effexor XR and told me to make an appointment with a nutritionist that works in his office. Should I be worried?

 

I don't think I understand what your question is, AIABBW. Are you asking if there are instances in the process of loosing weight that we feel 'uplifted' and 'better?' Well, kind of, for me atleased. I get almost a high-like feeling when I put a shirt on and see that, instead of hugging my waist (like a normal shirt), it drapes down off my body. I get a high when I put on pants and see that I'm going to need to use a belt because my pants are loose.

However, that high just makes me feel like I can't stop; that I have to keep starving in order to loose more because what I have lost just isn't enough. And it doesn't even cross my mind that I'm getting skinnier, because I still feel just as fat.

When I lost a lot of weight, I got compliments left and right all the time. It only made me feel sick to my stomach to hear, "Oh, Laura! You're looking so beautiful! So slim, what have you been doing, Honey?" It was, and still is, like they weren't compliemening me, but instead encouraging me to loose more because I'm 'almost there.' I only get that way with comments about my body- I am more than happy to accept compliments about my writing, singing, or art. But when people talk about my body, it's like they are talking about the deepest depths of me. I'm so sensitive to it.

As for your whole 'positive feedback' aspect; there really is none. Because that would require for you to feel good about the situation, and I definitly only ever feel worthless if I eat, or just complelled to keep starving if I'm starving. There is no ground where I look or want positive feedback- because I'll never be at an ending stage where I can say, "Well, What do you think?" It's an endless process that I'll never be good enough to finish.

Hope I answered your question! And your not bugging us; we love talking about it (online, anyways.).

 

That's quite a drastic weight loss in a short period of time. Not too drastic as it's only a little under 10 pounds a month, but you're only supposed to lose about a pound a week on a healthy diet.

127 at 5'6" is okay for your height [not sure of your frame size really though] but even if your weight is in the healthy range, if you're not eating properly, it still can cause medical problems.

Are you still losing or have you stayed at 127 for some time now???

If you keep losing, that's probably *not* good.

But don't be worried about the Effexor or the nutritionist, they will only help if you really DO have a problem. If you don't, then it's kind of pointless... Effexor, luckliy, is a pretty mild and safe medication compared to most. And a nutritionist can be helpful to ANYONE even people without eating disorders, so don't fret too much.

Don't be worried though, if you don't think it's anything to worry about... if you feel fine, then you probably are.

 

I'd still like to lose 3 or 4 more pounds, but I've been at this weight for 10 days now, even though I'm spending a couple of hours a day at the gym. This sort of depresses me because at first I only had to think about exercise and diet to lose weight at first.

Incidentally my frame is large, if that's any use to you.

 

thats really weird, but not really- i also think of one food item as a meal. and i usually only let myself eat 'breakfast' because you have the whole day to burn it off. plus, i can go to bed with an empty stomach and feel my hips bones. kinda sick, but it calms me to know that they are there. i also fall asleep grabbing onto my collarbones; i dont know... in a way in holding onto them so they dont go away. many mornings ive waken up in a panic because i feel like my collarbones are covered with layers of fat and they are no longer visible. i cant tell you the releif i feel when i jump up to the mirror and see that they are still there.

do you guys have a 'drinking problem?' not alcohol; i cant stop filling up on diet coke and diet arizona calorie free tea. yesterday i drank about 3 LITERS of coke and two large cans of the tea. its 1:30 in the afternoon and im working on my third can of diet coke today.

 

Im always drinking something... However, I've always been that way ever since I can remember. I drink more than a liter of water a day, plus coffee, plus diet coke, and sometimes light soymilk... So... yeah.

 

I have a drinking problem.

I drink around 8 to 10 Cokes a day.
And about two twelve packs of beer a week.
And about 14 bottles of water a week.
And a couple of jugs of margarita every two weeks.

 

I don't men this to be rude, but you may not have understood my question but you gave me the sort of answer I suspected I'd get all the same.

Incidentally I don't mean to come over all teachery here but, you're inteligent (and a writer style person), so I thought you the term 'positive feedback' doesn't necessarily mean good or nice feedback, though that's an element of it. It is in fact feedback that re-inforces what you thought to start with. You thought you needed to lose weight, so you lost weight. People started complementing you on your weight so you thought you'd lose a little more. That's a 'positive feedback loop' which is what it's more commonly called.

I hope that didn't come across too teachery, if it did sorry.

Incidentally, I was never much of a drinker at all before I went on my diet. 2 or 3 cups of tea would be fine. I used to snake quicte a bit during the day. I was a grazer. I started to replace snacks with diet coke. I think I'm a little addicted to it now though.

 

lol alright sorry... i sure gave a long answer for such a simple question

 

You'd like to lose 3 or 4 more pounds... okay, but be careful if you have been noticing yourself saying that all along. Like if you said at 130 you wanted to lose three more pounds, and now you find yourself wanting to lose more, THEN that's not a good sign.

It's normal to be at a weight for 10 days, you should be... and maybe the reason you're not losing anymore is BECAUSE of the exercise... muscle mass weighs much more than fat does, and sometimes you will find that the more muscular you get, the more you will weigh... weight is NOT everything.

Easier said than done, I know, as it's hard for me to get that through my head too, even though I actually *know* it.

If you have a large frame 127 at your height should be just fine, and I wouldn't see a reason to lose any weight, but that's just my personal opinion.

Perhaps it's a good idea your doctor recommended a nutritionist... this might be of some use to you, to figure out what's going on, and how healthy your weight is and what not. It's hard for me to say, just knowing you from the internet... I would check into that nutritionist idea, and at least meet with them once, to get a feel for what you're dealing with.

 

It was strange, when this started, my original goal was 140lbs, but as I approached 140, I started thinking about 137lbs and I was thinking that 140lbs wasn't that hard, so why not 137lbs. The same thinking got me to 133lbs etc in 3lbs or 4lbs intervals from there. I'd like to stop at 123lbs though because it's getting harder to reach it.

I know this will sound dumb but I'd like to lose this last 3 or 4lbs because I catch myself in the mirror sometimes. It's not like when I'm standing there shaving, but when I see myself in the corner of my eye when I'm turning round, I know my body could use it.

Incidentally, I've the appointment tomorrow.

 

Yeah, I'm not saying you HAVE an eating disorder, but those thoughts and behaviors can definitely aid in the developement of one, and you wouldn't want that...

You're the one who had the sister that had an eating disorder, correct? You know, eating disorders are very genetic, so it wouldn't surprise me if something along those lines runs in your family.

Good luck at your appointment too, I hope it goes well, and that you find some use in it.

 

I'm the one with two sister who had or have eating disorders. My father (and I guess me a little, when I was heavier) are at the other end.

Just out of interest, what do nutrionists do?

 

A nutritionist will help find a meal plan thats adequate for you... whether you have special dietary needs, or if you are under or overweight. They will inform of the health risks associated with malnutrition and the like, and discuss together what your diet consists of, and what it SHOULD consist of.

 

Thanks. I met with her briefly last Tuesday and she asked me to fill in these about the food I ate and the exercise I did. I'm supposed to take it in with me tomorrow. It was the first time I've done this. Looking at it this evening is strange. I didn't realize how little I've been eating lately. I mean I knew I wasn't eating as much but didn't know how much less.

 

i admire you guys for getting help.

 

i know my posts are a little of a downer, because i'm not getting help and for me it just seems to be getting worse. but all your replies really help, and i love reading everything that's written here. and maybe i'm helping just a little bit, by being an example of what nobody else should be.

i was babysitting this girl, and we went out to eat, and there was a scale at the resturaunt. she got on it, and then i got on it. i weigh 107, i think. which really disappoints me, because of that incident in health class at the beginning of the year when i found out i weighed less than the girl who was trying to gain weight. i haven't lost any weight. but i am visibly a lot skinnier. before that, i had only been weighed once since last fall, so knowing my weight helps me to put things in perspective. i don't know my height, but i'm not very tall. and i have small bone structure. i am meant to be skinny, but not THIS skinny. i'm not meant to be trying so hard and thinking about it so much. i don't think i could be "fat" if i tried, which makes me feel so absurd for being so scared of it.

i have been going through my clothes, and none of them fit me right. all my shirts are too big, all my pants are the kind that should be tight but are too loose on me. i mean, they're not meant to be baggy pants, but they are. so i feel like i don't look good, even though i feel like my body looks better than it used to.

i have a habit of grabbing the fat on my stomach (i know i can't be the only one here who does this normally throughout the day...). that's getting harder to do. but i had a dream last night that my stomach was enormous, and i keep getting scared that's how it is.

something new, is i have lost the desire to eat. it used to be, i would get hungry and fight it off. now i just don't get hungry, but i can feel when it's "time to" eat. and every time i do eat, it makes me feel really sick to my stomach. physically, even if i have no mental regrets. and when i think back about it, whatever i eat sounds like the most disgusting thing anyone could put in their bodies. eating doesn't feel good anymore. it's started to become a painful chore, and i'd rather not do it.

last night i was at my friend's house, and she got hungry so we went in and i got crackers and peanut butter. she got popcorn and animal cookies. it made me feel really good in an evil way when i stopped after about six crackers and she ate a whole bag of popcorn and i don't know how many cookies.

about "triggers", i looked at some old pictures of me a while back and realized i was fat without knowing it. i had thought i was skinny. i think i might have said this before. but that put it in my mind that i could be looking in the mirror and not seeing what is really there. i haven't fixed that problem, but i have reversed it.

for me, it is a control thing along with being about size. i admire people who can fast and meditate for days and days, and i think being able to control "worldly desires" is a sign of spiritual strength. it's hard for me to see the difference between someone who is enlightened and has no desire or need for food, and someone with an eating disorder. how can those people be beyond healthy, but i am putting myself in danger doing the same thing?

i think it would be really helpful if there was a record somewhere of what a normal person eats on a normal day. not a calorie counting health nut, not an obese junk food junkie. a normal person.

i am beginning to get to the point where i scare myself. that actually feels good, because to my distorted mind i am almost where i want to be. to my logical mind, i know i'm close to hitting bottom and then i can start getting better.

 

Sometimes it happens like that... it did with me. I didn't even realize I wasn't eating much or losing so much weight until others started seeing it. I *felt* fine, so I didn't think anything was wrong.

And if you're not eating very much plus spending two hours at the gym everyday that can be a bad combination. Exercise is good [in normal eaters]...but for those who don't eat enough it can be dangerous. Your body doesn't have the fuel for the energy you're expending, and it can cause you to collapse, have a heart attack, or even go into a coma.

If I know I'm not eating much, I try to either not exercise, or to keep it really low key [because I AM still concerned about my well being] Though there was a time, when I was a cheerleader, and I ate about the same amount I'm eating now and would go to practice after school, and practice more in my basement afterwards too. [For those of you who don't know, cheerleading IS a strenuous exercise, it's similar to high impact aerobics] On more than one occassion I actually flat out passed out on the basement floor. Nothing too serious, where I needed to go to the ER or anything, but dangerous enough.

Recently I cut down my exercise a lot because now I can't do too many situps or brisk walking without seeing dots in front of my eyes [not a good sign]...so I try to rest more often.

When your body is in starvation mode, your blood pressure lowers, your heart rate slows, your metabolic rate drops, as many other things as well... and it's best to keep it that way, and rest. Your body does that for a reason, to keep you from expending more energy than what you're fueling it with. It's like a car low on gas, you don't want to drive it very far, otherwise you will run out.

I hope your future encounters with the nutritionist are helpful and that you can assess the problem before it gets worse. I admire you for taking a second look at your lifestyle and questioning it, before it gets out of hand.

 

Well it's official. I just got back from the nutritionist and it's all a little weird. Turns out that my scales have been weighing me slightly heavy and if we correct for my clothes I'm actually 119lbs. In addition she told me I was closer to 5'7 (I'd never actually measured myself, I've always known I was short for a guy and was always embarassed about the height thing). Apparently, for my age, I'm about 12lbs underweight, which is apparently a boarderline thing for eating disorders. I don't see it because I don't look thin, but she says it might just be my mind hasn't caught up with my body yet.

Anyway she talked to me about diet and says I've been eating a third of the callories I need, given my activity level. So she gave me a diet to work with. I'm supposed to stick to it go back to see her in 2 weeks to go through the whole procedure again. It's scary because it looks like so much food.

On the subject of exercise it's weird. I find it in an odd way addictive. There are times when I want to carry on for another 30 minutes or an hour. I'm not sure why, but when I'm doing it I feel different almost like drunk but not quite, I can't really describe it.