Eating Disorder

random question....how and with what can my boyfriend help with my struggle with an eating disorder? josh knows and is supportive, but we`re unsure as to what exactly he can do to best help me. obviously he can reassure me that i`m beautiful when i need to hear it most, take me out to eat what i will eat on days when i`ve not eaten enough, be there to listen when i need someone to listen, etc....but at what point does his desire to help me and be there for me begin to place unnecessary stress on the relationship?

 

I'm not completely sure what you're looking for...

But I think the best thing that a significant other can do in this particular situation is to let you feel in control with it... meaning, not to push you into anything you don't feel comfortable with. I think someone that close to you, needs to let you feel somewhat empowered, as that's the main cause of most eating disorders... feeling a lack of control.

I think once a significant other becomes to obsessed with trying to help you, it does more harm than good.

Of course you need a sense that he still cares, but... too much questioning about what you ate, or telling you have to eat, or get help, will tend to wear on you... even if you know the intentions are coming from a good place.

The other most helpful thing is to listen to your feelings about things, specifically your disorder, no matter how hard it is to hear them. The single most irritating thing to me, about the way my fiancee handles it is he seems to tune me out when I try to vent about my feelings, because its too difficult for him to hear about it... but then that makes me feel upset, and less supported by him. Also, along with listening, is he needs to listen to a point where he can try to see your point of view. Though he will never fully understand it, to at least listen to what you say, and take it in and believe that what you're saying is rock solid and truthful... that will help a lot, because I think it will put some of his fears or assumptions at rest.

If he knows that its because of this or that, or not because of this or that it will help HIM to naturally avoid putting you in certain situations or avoid saying triggering things, etc. Dig?

It will always put unnecessary stress on the relationship no matter how you go about it though, and there's no way you can avoid it, other than to get help and recover. An eating disorder is stressful for you, and everyone around you is included into that equation... it doesnt matter which end you approach it from, it's still going to be just as stressful on friendships, relationships, and family relationships.

 

let him be whatever you allow him to. do you want him to do more than take you to eat on days that you need it? do you want him to do more? less?

its really all up to you- i know that i dont let people do ANYTHING. my last boyfriend of 6 months saw me eat once and whenever he brought the topic of food up, i became very cold and somewhat bitter. he soon learned it was not a topic to bring up with me.

then again, he didnt officially know i had a problem. but since yours does know, i say just let him have whatever part you want him to. come out and tell gim what you want from him, becuase he probably is a bit overwhelmed about how he fits into this whole situation.

 

i am 14 and since i was nine i only eat about every other day sometimes i wouldnt l\eat 4 a few weeks well they caught on to that eventualy so now i eat but i think it is possible thaT I HAVE BULIMIA CAUSE 4 the last 4 months i started making myself puke again and now when i eat i feel the need top puke physicaly i can look at a toilet now and and immediatly puke nobody knows my parents lost custdoty of this weekend cause my step dad did things to me and my mom beat the shit outta me sooooooooooo things have realy gone to hell and to top it off i was last night i was literaly about 6 feet away from being in a car accident it was a head on collsion and i saw the guy dead in his car after he rolled down the hill i saw them cut him out and put him in a body bag the mental images have been driving me insane can u help me???

 

eat?

 

blaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh i am ready to do it i feel it if I was home I would but im at my grandparents, house got broken into-in a creepy non-burgularly way just someone warning me basically, aunt is dying...shitty day all around. i dont need sny consoling i just need to suck it up and deal but sometimes its hard but hey i guess life is hard. it can only get better from here;right?

 

i guess i dont really understand why your posting this in here, although i am sorry for your situation...

but im assuming your talking about how the stress is makign you want to either binge or starve when you say "im ready to do it i feel it." and all i can really say is thats pretty much the nature of this disorder- the need to feel control over soemthing when you loose control of other aspects.

i have a favorite quote that i look to when my day is just going to hell... and that is "this, too, shall pass."

 

so i had a pretty sad experience the other day. you guys may know from my other posts that the relationship i have with my mom basically consists of yellign and screaming and then fake smiles. well the other night, we got into a big arguement and she basically told me that i should move out. our fight was pretty heated, as we are both very stubborn.

while she was yelling i ran to my room just to get away. i felt angry, but im so numb to our fighting that its just like whatever. i looked in the mirror and began to cry.

it upsets me that a fight with the one person thats always there for me doesnt upset me as much as the image i see in the mirror.

 

I hate saying this, because to me it's kind of embarassing, but at 13 I went through 4 days without eating a single thing, only drinking a glass of water sometimes.
I wasn't able to do anything. I didn't have a life, and my body looked horrible too...
I was afraid eating would hurt my throat or kill me, aswell as I thought I was too chubby. Of course I wasn't...

I can say I'm off of it now. I still do have a low self-esteem, but I can often eat without really minding it.
Sometimes I afraid it slits my throat or does something else that doesn't makes sense, then I feel like the little girl who refused to eat again.
But if I get these thoughts, I just go outside for a bit and have some fresh air. Just think about something else. And then I go inside again and it goes okay.
I can even snack again sometimes!

I'm -I think- at a healthy weight again.
Though, I still hate my hips for being so wide.
Doesn't matter how thin I am, they're always wide and they'll always be.
But it's just a part of me, and I'm in the process of accepting it.
There are so many more important things out there than your own weight!

 

Random things:
I feel empowered right now, and I want to put it to use. I sat here for hours thinking, and writing, and I have SO many of my own reasons to recover...and I want to conquer this once and for all.

I don't hate myself, so why the hell am I killing myself?

I'm talking to my counselor on Friday. Hopefully that helps.

The appointment I had with the nutritionist went fairly well. I learned a TON of things, which although interesting, and helpful, was quite overwhelming. It's a lot of information to think about and digest, and start working on. It will probably take a while, but I'll get there.

I'm overwhelmed mainly about how often she wants me to eat, when I'm so used to eating something tiny once a day, if that, but... I'm sure this is something I can work towards getting over with help of my counselor, good self-talk, and continuing to see this nutritionist. I like her a lot, she's an awesome lady.

I won't lie and say things are all better now. I still haven't started with her suggestions and could only find enough strength to choke down some apple slices so far today... but I have a good feeling that eventually this will come together.

The biggest issue I'm dealing with aside from having to feel this tug-of-war inside my head, while taking all this new information in, is the fact that the two people I am around most [my dad and my fiancee] EXPECT me to be better right now, right away. It's stressful, and I don't know how to explain things to them. I wish they would be more patient...

 

I am glad everyone is doing so well. congrats. I was force fed comfort food by my family last night and didn't do what I wanted to do when I had that ridiculously full feeling-I hate feeling full. I like eating to the point where I am not hungry but feeling full disgusts me. Today I am doing better and am feeling a lot better. I am proud of my self for not inducing/expelling (sorry still can't say the correct word). I am going to the spa now and am getting my hair darkened (lo lites) and a massage so hopefully all of my feeling of dirtiness and self-loathing right now will fade as the day ends.
off topic but I love my mom and grandpa they are the best people int he world.

 

Hmm that could actually be helpful... Whenever I did something like changed my hair or otherwise part of my appearance that helped me a little. It didnt get rid of it of course, but it helped a bit because it made me feel like a new person. Sometimes changing is good and helps a lot.

You'll be okay, you're so smart

 

i think i posted in this thread a while ago, i'm not quite sure what i said but i read from page 13 to catch up and i want to share what's going on right now.

today i ate two english muffins and i made pasta. i ate too much of it. then my sister said she had drank 9 glasses of water in a row, and it turned into a water drinking contest. by the 7th cup i was finished, and i went to look in the mirror and i was absolutely revolted. i keep trying to go to the bathroom but i still feel enormous. if i push out my belly, i look like i'm pregnant. my mom brought me a smoothie, and when she told me there was ice cream in it i couldn't drink it. but i feel like an asshole writing this, because i ate so much today that it seems ridiculous to say i have an eating disorder. but then, my sister ate the same dinner as me, and breakfast + lunch (i don't know what she had...) plus a chicken sandwich, a whole smoothie, and cookie dough today. is that what normal people do?

i don't think i'm too skinny. i don't think i'm skinny enough. but you never do, do you? i don't want to "recover" because i'm not where i want to be. i find myself thinking, i can't wait until i really am too skinny, so i can eat without feeling like a pig.

i have all these cans in the fridge because if i eat something, i want to eat at most one serving, and then once i eat it i don't want to eat it again.

i don't think i've lost weight since when i used to be able to eat cookies and chips and drink soda. i look the same. but now if i eat a cookie, even though i know it doesn't affect me, i feel like it does and i'm just one more cookie away from being "fat".

if i'm the same, why am i putting myself through this? if it's not working why bother?

i don't want to be fat.

i think i'm eating the same amounts, but just feeling worse about it...

my mom and one of my best friends are going through the same thing. my friend and i talk about it and instead of helping, hearing about her just makes me feel like i'm not doing this good enough.

 

i am kind of like that too...

a couple years ago i lost a lot of weight and i felt skinny. not skinny enough, but i felt like i could finally eat something without feelign totally guilty. i gained a bit back, and since then ive been on this rollercoaster again. since then i think i may eat the same amount that isnt 'good', but i havnt lost any weight.

ive recently bought this dieters green tea from a health shop and umm wow lets just say its kickin my butt. i tinhk ive lost alteased a ton of water weight, which isnt FAT, but its something off my whale-ish body.

the other night i went to my grandparents for dinner where they were barbequeing. i was so hungry and decided i could eat a half of a hamberger and 1/4 of the bun. well 1/2 a hamburger turned into TWO hambergers and 1/4th bun turned into TWO buns. so basically i ate like a ton. i came home and cried myself to sleep.

it hit me today that i really have no life except what i eat. i used to have a ton of close friends, and now they all seem distant. i used to look forward to fun things and plan stuff and now i just stress out about what i have or havnt eaten.

 

i think we might have that diet green tea where i work. hurray.

i know how that feels to be in a social situation, and eat so much, and then you're alone afterwards and think "...oh...my...god..."

just tell yourself, you've been going without eating until you're full for so long that you deserved it and even FIVE burgers won't make you explode like a cartoon . eating a lot once in a while won't affect you that much.

i went downtown today and saw some friends, and one of them is SO tiny. she does... quite a lot of drugs, (which is fine, her choice) so that's why she's so small. but i was SO jealous. and when i came home, i looked in the mirror and realized we are almost the same size. i am just barely bigger than her, and i'm on my period right now so i'm bloated. i can't believe it, but in health class a few months ago she even said her weight and it was the same as mine. if i remember right, i was a pound or two less than her. but i don't FEEL like that. i feel like i must be 20 pounds heavier.

 

yea i have a friend like that who i consider to have like the perfect body- shes not fat but not rail thin... and i was over at her house one night and forgot pjs and so she lent me some of hers. i was like NO WAY are thses going to fit me... but they did. i still dont consider us the same size though- i feel a lot heavier than her.

 

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If you judge black people, will you one day become a black person?​

 

You will always feel heavier than most people around you, no matter how tiny you get, that's the nature of the disorder, and it's not really "you" that's "telling" you that.

I totally understand what all of you are going through, but I also really hope you overcome what you're going through.

It's not easy, and never will be, but all the things worth something in life are NEVER easy, and always remember that.

It is easier to give into the thoughts and feelings that anorexia/bulimia makes us feel, and become a slave, but it is much more difficult to resist and overcome those feelings, and because it's difficult it makes you a stronger person for overcoming it.

This might not make sense to anyone who isn't even close to thinking about recovery, but one day it will.

I think with an eating disorder you really just have to get to that ultimate point of ANGER towards your disorder, to want to get rid of it.

I'm not recovered, nor am I even doing so hot with my recovery, but I know what I need to do to get there, and gradually I'm getting there.

Sometimes you need things to climax before resolving the issue.

I talked to my counselor on Friday, and things went much better than I expected. Turns out she actually recommends the nutritionist I'm seeing to her other patients, so that will be helpful regarding recovery for me.
She wants to put me back on anti-depressents, but I'm still unsure of this.

I don't want to do it, and I don't trust them, but at the same time, some of the anxieties and OCD behaviors/qualities I have right now will only get worse if I don't do something immediately in the meantime before therapy starts making more sense to me. I don't know what to do about that really. I hate the idea of medication, but at the same time, I don't want my behaviors to get worse.

I am not technically obsessive compulsive, but my anxiety follows and obsessive compulsive pattern, and eventually could turn into something even more difficult to handle...

The mild OCD that I have is the most traumatizing part of everything going on right now, and I really feel it is the main "cause" of my eating disorder... Once I can get the OCD helped, I really feel like my eating disorder will start to dissipate as a result. The repetitive thoughts in my head about what I ate during the day, or didn't eat, or what I should or shouldn't eat will NOT stop no matter how much I want them to and how hard I try...It brings me to the point of tears most of the time. I feel like a fucking basketcase because of it, I just want to make my head stop. I can be doing everything else in the world to "take my mind off of it" but its always there in my head, repeating, and nagging me.

I don't use the scale because I even care all that much about my weight, but rather because I feel like the "balance" of my whole day will be thrown off if I don't.

I am a "routine" person, not because I want to be or because I am that unadventurous or whatever, but rather because I am afraid if I break the routine something will go horribly wrong. These are OCD qualities in the early stages, and they are completely mentally destructive. I don't have "rituals" or weird habits like counting my steps, rather I just can't disrupt what I do every morning or whatever without feeling uncomfortable.

Anyway that seems irrelevant, but it's not. I really feel that an eating disorder is an obsessive compulsive quality in it's own.

I am not going to lie, the whole IDEA of recovery is a very scary thing for me, but living my life like this forever is equally as scary... And I realize that recovering, though I feel afraid, is in reality nothing but GOOD for me... However, if I continue like this, that is scary, and will end up ruining me completely.

I'm not afraid of packing on pounds, as much as I am afraid of what "pounds" symbolize to me.

Why does weight symbolize such utter control or lack thereof?
I'll tell you why...
Because that whole idea is all around us 24/7.

If you turn on the television you will notice commercial after commercial for weight loss centers, with this whole idea that people who aren't twigs "eat too much" and are out of control for doing so.

You see these in magazines as well, and many children are even brought up with this idea. You hear it from your friends. It is a common belief everyone has that if someone is bigger they must not be able to control what they eat.

While some overweight people might NOT be able to control what they eat, remember they have the exact opposite end of an eating disorder... And some overweight people are simply overweight because it is difficult for them to lose.

My whole family has major difficulties losing weight. And it's not because we are lazy assholes who just sit around and eat all day, it's because our metabolic rates our different, our bodies are built differently, and genes also play a role.

People often forget frame sizes. I look at my friend, and she has the tiniest wrists, and fingers, her legs have always been twigs, and her arms are tiny as well... but her mid-section has always been bigger than mine, and it's because she is simply structured differently than I am. When she gains weight, it goes to her tummy, when I gain weight it goes to my boobs, hips, butt, and upper arms. My wrists will NEVER be as tiny as hers no matter how much I starve myself, because losing weight, does not magically chisel your bones down.

I think with eating disorders this is something we ALWAYS have to remember, because I think we often think of weight, and body types as something we can "achieve"... because it IS a common idea that we are brought up with. Like in those commercials "Do you want to look like THIS????? TRY WEIGHT WATCHERS!" Well, it may be true you can shed a few pounds doing those things, face it, you will never look like the person they are showing you, because we are individuals, all built differently.

Just like I will never have my friend's tiny wrists, she will never have my insanely long torso. [I have a long ass torso like Gumby style, it's quite annoying lmao]

Anyways, I have more, so if you have the patience, keep reading lmao...
Because an eating disorder consumes you, and your time, for a long time, the scariest part of recovery is finding yourself again. We lose touch with ourselves when we struggle with eating disorders, because a disorder is NOT who we are as people. Just like someone who is an alcoholic, that is not the person they are, rather it's a disease that they have.

I am shit scared of recovery simply because I keep thinking "What if I meet me, and I don't LIKE me?" It sounds fucking foolish, but it's the truth. I know it's foolish in fact, but I can't help but wonder how accepting I will be of myself when I begin to learn more about the real person that I am, and not what this disorder made of me.

I am also scared of recovery because my eating disorder has always acted as a security blanket. If something terrible happened in my life, I turned to my eating disorder to take my mind off of it, do something with my time... And it gives me a FALSE sense of control, which makes me feel almost EUPHORIC at first... But after a while of dealing with it day in and day out, it wears off, as I'm sure the rest of you know.

The things I need to learn is how to not be so hard on myself to the point of perfectionism, I need to learn how to control obsessive compulsive thoughts and behaviors, face my fears, do something out of the normal, not use food as an outlet for my sadness, not use weight as a symbol of my "control", and to learn how to cope with triggers around me.

I am not triggered by thin models and the like as much as others are, but rather, I'm triggered by certain scents, and places, and people that were present when my disorder first developed as a younger "pre-teen". If I so much as hear a certain song that I loved as a 12 year old, it triggers my mind into that old way of thinking again... And though now, I realize how tiny I was then... I never did when I was going through it, and that's something I have to remind myself.

Relapses are difficult to deal with, because you have a past to compare you to you. I don't compare myself to models or others around me, rather I compare myself to how I was years ago, and begin to feel upset when I can't "achieve" what I did, then.

Everything I am thinking is irrational, unhealthy, and destructive to my whole life, both emotionally and physically. My spirit is dying along with my body, and that's not something I ever wanted to do to myself.

Anyway I'll shut up now. I just have a lot to say about this lol.

 

i read every word. i love your long posts.

isnt it weird how you can understand every aspect of what and why you do things, but as soon as you try to change it, you loose all rational?

sometimes i think that, yea, this problem sucks. it really does. but doesnt everyone have their way of dealing? some people yell, some people may do some type of physical activity, some people do art... so why is it that MY method of dealing is a 'problem?' dont get me wrong, i know that painting a picture to release feelings is a lot more productive than shoving your fingers down your throat, but really.

maybe im deceiving myself but i really see no reason why i cant just continue going on with this. its not like im 80 pounds. people cant even tell i have this issue.

i dont even think i want to get rid of it actually. its annoying and sure, id like to not have to think about how many calories cereal has with and without milk 200 times a day, but i dont see HOW i could really get over it.

i could go to therepy and i could take meds; i could go to classes and get 'support,' but id still think about it. even in secret. which isnt that the whole point anyway? hiding the ways you think?

i hope that makes sense to atleased one person, sorry if i just totally said nothing :/

 

makes perfect sense, but I sense a bit of shame in what you're saying... I think deep down you know that your thoughts are a bit irrational.

Just give it time, hun, I'm sure in time you will do what's best for yourself, and you don't have to recover if you're not ready for it.

If you're not ready for it, it doesn't work anyway.

And I promise you, there will come a point and time in your life where you DO get sick of dealing with it... but it does take quite a lot. I had an eating disorder for about 4 or 5 years before I went to counseling for it.

I'm just encouraging it is all. I hope I didn't offend you. Because I DO understand exactly, to a T what you mean.

And though I might be more fixed on recovery than you are, because you don't feel the urge to at all, I still also have the urge to NOT recover, because it is something you have to battle with to get there. Last night I was extremely tempted to purge after eating a salad out to dinner with my boyfriend and dad... I stopped myself, and thought about it for a couple hours afterwards, but that doesn't mean I don't ever feel like you do. I do a lot... I've just come to the point in my disorder where it's done more harm than good for my soul.

And yeah, I still feel like sometimes, "I'm not underweight, so what the hell is the point of recovering?" but I'm sure you realize, just because you're not overly skinny doesn't mean you don't have an unhealthy way of thinking, and that the things you do aren't ruining your health.

Purging, as you mentioned you do, earlier in this thread and now... is one of the most damaging things you can do to your body, but that doesn't mean you're going to become a stick from doing it. Many bulimics never are underweight but still accumulate multiple health problems from it.

I'm not trying to preach or tell you that you have to recover, I just want you to remember the things that are NEGATIVE about your disorder.

I think you're a sweet girl, and I would hate to ever hear of anything bad happening to you. <3